


It's Not That Kind of Fairytale

by onyxfyrefly



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Cutting, Depression, FrostIron - Freeform, Loki Angst, Loki Does What He Wants, Loki Feels, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Angst, Tony Being Tony, Tony Feels, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Triggers, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2018-11-15 17:28:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 93,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11235783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onyxfyrefly/pseuds/onyxfyrefly
Summary: "For the past six weeks the neighbor directly above him had insisted on throwing a party every Sunday. Not Friday not Saturday but Sunday."





	1. Chapter 1

Thump. 

Thump.

Thump.

Loki groaned and buried his face in the pillow. For the past six weeks the neighbor directly above him had insisted on throwing a party every Sunday.

Not Friday not Saturday but Sunday and Loki's grades were beginning to reflect his exhaustion. His father demanded straight A's and in a matter of weeks his A's had slipped to C' s and one detrimental D.

It had reached the point where his professor had pulled him to the side to express his concern. Loki had smoothly lied and passed off the shaking of his hands and the dark bruises under his eyes as an adjustment to college life and had assured his professor that his grade would come back up.

Loki wasn't sure how that was going to be possible. It was nearly two in the morning and the party was still going strong. After looking at the clock and at the ceiling several times he came to a decision. 

He would probably be hated by the rest of the dorm and there was a good chance he would get his ass kicked for breaking up a party but at this point he didn't care. He had managed to get a full ride scholarship and he would be damned if he was going to lose it because of some party. He would rather die than ask his adoptive parents for a dime towards his tuition.

With those thoughts in mind, Loki yanked on a sweatshirt and grabbed his key before trudging up the stairs. Before he even made it halfway the bass of the music made his chest ache. He briefly wondered why no one had reported the party to the RA but after pushing open the door the answer was simple. No one had reported it because it seemed like everyone in the dorm was intvited. Everyone except for Loki.

Pushing his way through the throng of people, Loki winced at the volume of the music and the sour stench of old beer. He tapped a young woman on the shoulder to inquire about the host  of the event. It took several moments for his request to register before she pointed him towards a short, dark haired man holding court in the kitchen.

Loki nodded his thanks and slowly made his way towards the bane of his current existence. Along the way someone bumped in to him and spilled beer onto his sweatpants but nothing was going to deter him.

The host was in the middle of some raucous tale when Loki reached him. In his frustration Loki's manners were far from his mind. He fisted a hand in the back of the shorter man's shirt, planted the other hand firmly on his shoulder, and frog marched him out in to the hall.

When they were far enough away from the party Loki let him go and fisted his hands at his side. He wasn't one for violence, his brother was more of the punch first ask questions later type, but at this moment there was nothing more that Loki wanted to do but make this man _**hurt.**_ To reach out at let his frustrations out in the most physical way possible. Taking a deep breath, Loki calmed himself as the other man adjusted his clothing.

The stranger slowly turned and instead of being angry, as Loki suspected, he sported a cocky grin. "If you wanted to get me alone all you had to do was ask, babe. Of course I'm not against a little manhandling. Are we gonna need our safewords?"

Loki rolled his eyes so hard he saw himself think. "Do you know who I am?"

The host shook his head and stepped closer. "No, but you're pretty." He reached for Loki who recoiled in disgust. "So what name will I be screaming later?"

The face Loki made would have been comical in different circumstances. He moved quickly in order to put as much distance between himself and the stranger as possible. "I am your neighbor, the one in the dorm directly below yours. The one who hasn't been able to sleep for weeks because if these infernal parties of yours. The one whose grades are slipping because I can't concentrate in class. The one who is this close to losing a full ride scholarship." Loki knew he should calm down and lower his voice but once the words started he was helpless to stop them. 

He stalked closer to the stranger who had lost his grin and got directly in to the man's face. His voice dropped to a venomous whisper. "I am the one who is going to report you not only to RA but to the president of the housing division as well as to the dean. Then I'm going to find out everything there is to know about you and I'm going to make sure you fail. I don't care who you are, I don't care if your family owns this school. I will destroy you. Just because you believe that you are above the rules of this school does not mean that I will be made to suffer. I will not let my opportunity be wasted by someone whose only goal is to piss their family's money and their education away. If you want to party then party, but you will not do so while residing over me. Understood?"

The stranger's dark eyes were wide as he nodded slowly.

Loki smirked. "Good. Of course all of this unpleasantness could be avoided."

"H-how?"

"No more parties. Go find someone else's dorm to destroy. Allow me to salvage my grades in peace and there will be no more trouble between us. Do you think that is possible?"

The shorter man nodded and swallowed hard. "Yeah, of course. Not a problem."

Loki's grin was wickedly sharp. He leaned in close, just to watch the shorter man squirm, before heading back to his dorm. 

Once inside he let himself sag against the door. Where had that come from? He was never one for altercations, preferring to observe and work from the sidelines. Rarely did he ever go toe to toe with someone and never with such confidence. There was something about this stranger that had sparked something dark inside of him. It had brought out a violent side that unsettled him.

Dragging a hand through his hair, Loki let out a sigh. Above him he could hear the telltale sounds of the party dispersing and allowed himself to feel a flicker of victory.

With the adrenaline fading from his veins he sank into bed and tried to get a few hours of sleep without being haunted by the dark eyes of the stranger residing a few feet above him.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day campus was buzzing.

Loki would have paid it no mind except for the conversation he overheard in his afternoon psychology class. Two football players were complaining that the party they had attended the previous night had been broken up by some stranger who threatened their host. 

"This guy must have had balls of steel, man! He just grabbed Tony, dragged him out into the hall and gave him hell. We couldn't really hear much because of the music but Tony's face was white as a sheet."

"You didn't try and help him?" asked a freshman with blue hair. 

"Fuck no, this guy was creepy as shit. He was at least as tall as me and by the way he walked you could tell he meant business. I couldn't see his face because of the hoodie but I wasn't going to get in between those two."

"Did he hurt Tony?" asked the freshman.

"Nah but from Tony's reaction you'd have thought the guy pulled a knife on him or something."

The other jock snorted. "Who'd have thought that the great Tony Stark would have been scared off by some guy in a hoodie."

Loki tuned out the rest of the conversation as his something heavy began to settle in his stomach. Tony Stark who was the son of Howard Stark who was the CEO of Stark Industries which just happened to be the largest and most powerful client that his family's law firm represented. 

For his entire life his parents had sung the praises of Stark Industries. Their offices were filled with Stark technology and both Loki and his brother carried Starkphones and laptops. With the fees from Stark Industries Loki's brother, Thor, was able to go to college without having to worry about being one cent in debt when he graduated. Loki had refused the money and was determined to make his own way.

Loki's insides churned when he realized the implications of his actions. It wouldn't take long for Tony to recognize him. He probably already knew Thor from one party or another and sooner rather than later that bumbling oaf would point Loki out. It would only be a matter of time before his scholarship and the entire life he had planned out for himself would come crumbling apart.

His whole life he had been told that his temper would be his downfall and here was the direct result. If he hadn't been so rash in his actions perhaps he could have acted differently. He could have just asked Tony to stop instead of threatening to destroy his world. 

Loki scrubbed at his eyes. How could he have been so foolish? 

Perhaps if he simply apologized then he could nip this in the bud before it got worse. Tony was within his rights to file a complaint against him which could lead to his expulsion but maybe, just maybe, if Loki apologized all of this would just go away.

\----------------------------

Loki glanced at the clock and back at his laptop. He had waited until evening to go and apologize to Tony, giving the other student time to finish his classes and eat dinner. He ran through a multitude of apologies as he climbed the stairs but they all rang hollow in his ears.

The floor was eerily quiet without the thump of the music vibrating the walls and Loki tried to still the tremor of his hand as he raised it to knock.

Before his hand could connect with the door it flew open to reveal a dark skinned young man with a backpack and pile of books in his arms. 

The young man startled then narrowed his eyes at Loki. "Can I help you?"

"I...um...I wanted to speak with Tony. Is he home?"

The dark skinned man gave Loki a searching look before shaking his head. "No, he's not home."

Loki's face fell. "Oh. Do you know when he will be back? I really must speak with him, it's urgent."

Again Loki was deterred. "I'm not sure when he'll be back. If it's that important you'll just have to try and catch him around campus. Now if you'll excuse me." The other student locked Tony's door and hurried down the stairs.

A ball of ice began to form in Loki's stomach. There went his chance of absolving himself before things got out of control. He shook his hands in an attempt to shake away the tendrils of anxiety that were slowly creeping up his arms.

He sat down at his desk and ran a hand through his hair. Now that the dorm was quiet he could finally get some work done but the determination to pull up his grades was gone.

What was the point? Eventually he would be found out and would most likely be asked to leave. Then what? He couldn't go home. His mother would be thrilled to see him but he could already see the disappointed face of his father glowering at him. He had some money saved but not nearly enough. He was eighteen so legally he could work anywhere but who would hire him without a degree? Was he going to be condemned to a life of working menial jobs just because of one mistake in his youth?

Loki's thoughts began to race and he pushed himself to his feet, physically shaking the dark thoughts away. Nothing had happened yet. Perhaps nothing would happen. It was no use getting himself worked up over what could possibly happen in the future.

Letting out a shaky breath he decided to take a shower and go to bed. He would get up in the morning to finish his homework and perhaps the dark auora surrounding him would fade by morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am absolutely floored by the response to this but I still have no idea what I'm doing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys want to see more please drop me a comment. I'm tempted to give up on this fic.

Loki spent the next week waiting for the other shoe to drop. He avoided all public areas and walked to his classes as quickly as possible. He made sure not to wear a hoodie in fear of being recognized, instead he burrowed into a worn leather jacket that his mother wished would miraculously disappear.

Every time he heard his name called, which was not often, he flinched. He expected some huge upperclassmen to corner him and beat some sense in to him yet the blows never came.

After two weeks Loki allowed himself to relax. Maybe Tony didn't recognize him or if he did perhaps the other student was just going to let it go. It wasn't as though they had gotten in to a physical altercation, it was just an extremely one-sided shouting match.

But Loki should have known better. He was on his way to the library when a hand shot out of nowhere and dragged him into the shadow of the building. 

Loki had expected some huge linebacker that was built like Thor, not a petite redhead glaring daggers at him.

"Can I help you?" asked Loki.

"You're the one who went after Tony." It wasn't a question.

Loki swallowed hard and attempted to school his features into an unreadable mask. "Who?"

"Don't play dumb," growled the woman. "You're one of the smartest students on campus. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

Loki knew he was caught. "I was angry and exhausted and my temper got the best of me. It's not like we fought, I didn't lay a hand on him!"

The redhead's eyes narrowed as she assessed his story. "I believe you. I always thought that bullshit about you pulling a knife wasn't true."

"What?" Loki exclaimed. "I would never do something like that."

Once again the young woman mulled over his answer before nodding. "You've been looking for Tony, why?"

Loki chewed his bottom lip. He'd gone up to Tony's room nearly every night for a week but each time he knocked there had not been an answer. "I wanted to apologize."

"Apologize?"

The taller man nodded and raked a hand through his hair. "Yes, I wanted to apologize for my behavior that night." The woman's eyes narrowed and Loki let out all of his air in a huff.

"AndIwashopingthathewouldn'treportmeandgetmekickedoutofschoolbecauseIcan'tgohomeand-"

The young woman clapped her hand over his mouth with an audible slap. "Enough." She took a step back and removed her hand once she knew Loki had stopped talking. "So that's all you want to say to Tony? You just want to apologize?"

"Yes."

The woman fell silent once more and Loki hated the fact that her expression was completely unreadable. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay. I'll let Tony know why you were looking for him." Loki had a sudden moment of deja vu when the woman crowded in to his personal space. "And if you ever threaten my friends again being expelled will be the least of your worries. Understood?"

Loki nodded and the woman gave him a deadly smile before disappearing behind the building.

Loki's trip to the library after the encounter with the redhead was useless. He couldn't concentrate while dozens of thoughts raced through his head.

If the young woman knew about him then who else knew? Where there going to more conversations in the shadows with strangers? Maybe next time the conversation would be more physical. 

Loki threw his pen down and let his head fall in to his heads. He didn't need this, not now. He had charmed his professors in to giving him some extra credit work to bump up his grades but what was the point when the only thing he could focus on was Tony Stark? 

He knew that the young man was some type of genius double majoring in physics and engineering. He was a freshman as well but already had the reputation of a playboy and partier. And apparently he had friends like the scary redhead.

Part of him knew he should just let it go. At this point the broken up party was all but forgotten and it didn't seem like there was going to be any retaliation towards Loki. 

It didn't help ease the tension in his shoulders, though. Shaking his hands to dispel the prickles of anxiety, Loki began to gather his things. Maybe a run before dinner would clear his thoughts.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who took a moment to comment. This is all I have written so far so we'll see what happens.

It seemed like Loki's luck was only going to go from bad to worse. First he was cornered by that scary redhead by the library, then the last copy of the book he needed for a report had been lost and now he had a concussion.

The most recent of his laments came in the form of none other than Tony Stark. 

Loki's morning had been going great. He had slept well, the dining hall was nearly empty at breakfast and he had managed to bring the D in history up to a B in just a few weeks. At this rate he was sure that he would make the Dean's List by the end of the semester.

There was still some time before his next class so Loki decided to head back to the dorm to drop off the books from his morning classes. On the way downstairs he realized that his boot was untied. He crouched in the stairwell, taking care to get out of the way. The last thing he needed was for someone to trip over him.

Which is exactly what happened.

As Loki stood the sound of thundering footsteps echoed throughout the stairwell. Before he could react a solid body slammed in to him, causing his head to connect with the brick wall behind him with a muted thump.

Stars exploded in front of his eyes and the world turned on its side for one dizzying moment. Loki leaned against the wall for a beat before he realized that his legs would no longer support him. He sank to the floor and blinked furiously to clear his vision.

Once the world swam back in to focus the first thing he saw was a pair of dark eyes peering into his. "Shit. I am so sorry, I didn't see you there. I was in a hurry and Pepper is going to kill me if I'm late again and-" The rambling cut off when Loki failed to respond. "Are you okay? Did you hit your head? Shit, I've never been good at this medical crap. Do you need to go to the clinic? I could walk you. I mean, I'm going to be late anyway and at least Pep can't be pissed if I was helping you. Come on, man, say something. You're starting to freak me out here."

"Enough," Loki croaked while staggering to his feet. His vision swam and he swallowed hard and gulped in air to banish the nausea. "Your endless chattering is making my headache worse." Tentatively he touched the back of his head where a large knot was forming. "I will be fine. Go on and meet your friend."

"Are you sure?" asked Tony. "Your eyes still look a little glazed."

Loki nodded then immediately regreted it when the world promptly turned on end. "It's nothing, I've had worse."

Tony frowned then slowly shouldered his bag. "I feel terrible leaving you here."

"It's fine," insisted Loki while praying that Tony would leave before he passed out.

"If you say so. Again, I'm sorry."

Loki waved off the apology and as soon as Tony was gone he staggered to the nearest bathroom and threw up everything he had even thought about eating in the past twenty four hours. After rinsing his mouth out grabbed his bag and rushed towards his next class.

The rest of the day was hell. His professors preferred to lecture so Loki merely recorded the lessons and would play it back later. He fought against the growing pain and did his best to concentrate on his remaining classes. Unfortunately at dinner the pain had reached a blinding level and before he could react the tray in his hands was crashing to the floor and his body was quickly following suit.

When he woke he was lying on an uncomfortable cot and someone was gently holding an ice pack to the lump on the back of his head. 

"Where 'm I?" he slurred while trying to sit up. 

A firm but gentle hand eased him back down. "Easy there, Loki. You're in the clinic. What do you remember?"

No matter how much he tried he couldn't piece together the events of the day together. "I can't remember. What happened?"

"At some point today you hit your head and you passed out at dinner."

Mortification flooded Loki's body at her words. Not only did he faint like some swooning maiden in a romance novel but he did so in front of a good portion of the student body. There was no doubt that his name would spread like wildfire across campus. 

The thought made Loki groan and the nurse gently shushed him. "I spoke to your mother earlier and she wants to speak to you as soon as possible. She's willing to fly out if you need her to. Do you want me to call her?"

Loki carefully shook his head. "No, I'll call her once I get home."

Slowly Loki pushed himself up was grateful when the world decided to remain stationary. "When can I go home?"

"Now but I want your to take it easy for the rest of the week. I've already emailed your professors and they know to excuse you if you are not feeling well. No physical activity for at least a week and no parties. Understood?"

"Do I need to stay awake all night?"

"No, your concussion is very minor. If you're not feeling well let me know immediately, all right? Now here's something for the headaches. Remember to take them with food." Loki agreed and took the small bottle before pushing himself to his feet. "Your brother is here to take you home. Remember, if you're feeling the slightest bit off call me immediately. Head injuries are not something to take lightly."

"Yes, ma'am."

Loki made his way into the waiting room where Thor was scrolling through his phone. The blonde jumped to his feet once he noticed Loki. "Brother! Are you well?"

"I would be better if you lowered your voice." The blonde had the sense to look sheepish. "Do you have my things? Good. Please take me home."

Outside Thor quickly dumped the trash from the front seat into the back and Loki climbed in  with a thinly veiled look of disgust. The ride to the dorm was mercifully quiet and Thor watched as Loki slowly climbed the stairs to his room. 

"Do you wish me to stay, brother?" asked Thor in the closest imitation to an indoor voice he could manage. 

"I'm fine, Thor, truly. I have some medication and all I wish to do right now is sleep."

"Don't forget to call mother "

Loki allowed himself a small smile. His mother's wrath was legendary and he was sure that Thor had gotten an earful earlier. He was supposed to 'take care of' Loki and in his mother's eyes he had failed in his duties. 

"I will text her tonight and call her tomorrow. I'm too exhausted for a lecture."

Thor chuckled and clasped the back of Loki's neck gently. "You will call me if you need me?"

"Of course. Now go home. It's getting late and I'm not going to be your excuse for skipping your morning classes."

"Good night, brother."

"Good night."

After Thor's departure Loki sent a quick text to his mother and quickly turned off his phone before she could reply. He readied himself for bed and set his alarm before the pull of the painkillers dragged him under.

\-----------

The next morning Loki was groggy but better. The knot on the back of his head was considerably smaller and his vision was finally clear. 

When he called his mother she had fussed over him then scolded him for fighting. It had taken a quarter of an hour for him to convince her that the injury was from an accident, not some brawl. 

Once they hung up Loki allowed himself a smile. His family might be messed up but he could always rely on his mother.

Loki wasn't willing to face the dining hall again so after getting ready he grabbed his books with the intention of heading to the campus coffee shop. His plans were thwarted by a familiar figure lounging against the wall across from his room.

"What are you doing here?" Typically he would have been more polite but his nerves were stretched thin.

Tony snapped to attention and pocketed his phone. "I...er...I wanted to make sure you were okay. Pepper was pissed that I just left you then I heard what happened at dinner and I wanted to check on you."

Loki's eyes narrowed. "As you can see, I'm fine." He locked his door and headed down the stairs, rolling his eyes when he heard Tony rush after him.

"Good, that's good. I mean, I didn't realize how hard I'd hit you yesterday. And you said you were okay when I left but obviously you weren't  and maybe you aren't okay now, maybe you're just trying to get rid of me-" 

"Stark. Stop talking. My headache was gone but your insufferable prattling is bringing it back."

Tony was silent for all of five seconds. "I am sorry, you know." 

Loki finally turned to face the shorter man. "Yes, I know. Your apology is unnecessary yet appreciated." He chewed his bottom lip and stared at a point over Tony's shoulder. "If anyone should be apologizing it should be me."

Tony frowned. "What do you mean? I'm the one that ran in to you."

Loki snorted. "I thought you were some kind of genius. Come on, Stark, think."

It only took a few seconds but Loki could see the exact moment when recognition set in. The dark eyes widened and the shorter man took an instinctive step back. "The party. You're the guy that broke up the party."

Loki nodded. "I was angry and should have acted with more discretion. I apologize for my actions."

For once Tony was silent. His eyes were wide and he shoved his hands in his pockets. Loki guessed that they were probably shaking but he couldn't understand Tony's fear. Loki was tall but wasn't the least bit imposing. He was thin and scrawny, especially when compared to Thor's bulk. Even Tony's compact form was more intimidating than his own.

"Stark, are you alright?"

The young man snapped to attention, an easy grin stretching his lips. "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about the party, I should have made sure no one was living below me." He checked his phone and glanced behind him. "I've gotta run. I'll see you around, okay?"

Loki nodded but before he could reply Tony was already gone. Puzzling over the strange encounter, he headed towards the coffee shop. He was going to need a lot of caffeine before that conversation was going to make sense.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I've updated the tags. I know this chapter is a little dark but bear with me. There will be more interaction between Loki and Tony in the next chapter. I think...
> 
> I have no idea what I'm doing.

Loki just couldn't win. All day his professors treated him like glass which led to many ill-concealed snickers and his books "accidentally" falling off of his desk twice.

Typically this type of behavior didn't bother him, he had survived twelve years of this torment as an underclassmen, but today he just didn't want to deal with it. He just wanted to go home before he either punched someone or, heaven forbid, burst into tears.

As he trudged across the quad he felt his phone vibrate. Part of him wanted to ignore it but if it was his mother he'd never hear the end of it. 

Fishing the device from his pocket he smothered a groan. It wasn't his mother, it was worse. It was his brother.

"What?" he growled, startling a pair of students nearby.

"Brother!" Thor boomed and Loki yanked the phone away from his ear with a wince. "How do you fair today?"

Loki rolled his eyes. One Shakespearean literature class and Thor was convinced that he was the reincarnation of the Bard himself. "I'm fine."

"You sound tired."

"You try sleeping with a concussion and see how much you like it." Loki unlocked his door and threw his books with more force than necessary on to his desk.

It was obvious that Thor heard the noise and concern laced his words. "Are you sure you're alright? You know I am here if you wish to talk."

Loki rubbed at his eyes until bright spots appeared. "I don't want to talk! I...I don't know what I want."

When Thor spoke his voice was surprisingly soft. "Did you remember to take your medication today?"

Part of Loki wanted to snap at Thor but he swallowed the harsh words. "Yes, Thor, I remembered. It's just been a rough couple of weeks."

Loki could hear movement in the background and tried to figure out what Thor was doing. "I'm coming to get you."

"What? Why?"

"So we can go to dinner."

"Thor, I'm not sure that I can face the dining hall yet." 

"Then we will go out. Or get something to go and we can eat here. Now stop pouting and get ready, I'll be there in ten minutes."  
   
Thor didn't give him a chance to respond, the line was dead before the words could form. The last thing Loki wanted to deal with was his adoptive brother but he knew that if he refused Thor's company the blonde would barge in, somehow he had charmed a key out the RA, and would bodily force Loki outside.

The past week had been filled with enough embarrassment to last a life time. Loki did not need to add Thor's manhandling to the list. 

Too soon his phone was signaling Thor's arrival. Trudging outside, Loki was surprised that a literal black cloud was not following him.

"What do you want for dinner?" inquired the blonde before putting the car in gear.

"I'm not hungry, you choose."

Loki missed the frown that stretched across his brother's face. A few minutes later they were pulling up in front of a local Chinese restaurant. 

"Do you wish to eat inside?"

"I'd rather not."

Thor nodded and left the car running as he headed inside. Loki's eyes closed as his head rested against the cool glass of the window. His head was pounding but he didn't care enough to do anything about it.

He must have drifted off as he was jolted awake by Thor yanking open the back door and shoving two large bags inside. The smell made Loki's stomach roll and he swallowed quickly to dispel his nausea.

Once they arrived Loki curled up in the corner of the overstuffed sofa in Thor's dorm while his brother arranged what seemed to be dozens of small white containers on the coffee table. 

"I ordered those noodles that you like."

Pulling his knees to his chest, Loki let his head rest on them. "I'm not hungry."

"Brother, you have to eat."

"I'm not your brother and you cannot force me." The words were harsh but contained no venom. It was obvious that Loki was exhausted if his insults held no heat.

Thor bit back a sigh. This was a familiar argument between them. Ever since Loki found out about his adoption he had tried to stop Thor from calling him 'brother' but he failed each time.

Thor chewed thoughtfully as he considered his words. He knew Loki was fragile in this state and the wrong word would cause him to shut down. "You know I will never force you to do something against your will. I will send the leftovers home with you."

Loki didn't reply but after several minutes he emerged from the corner and pulled a bowl of soup towards him. Thor wisely did not speak, knowing that Loki would open up in his own time.

"Do you know Tony Stark?"

The question was so unexpected that the blonde nearly choked on his mouthful. "Of course. The Starks have been father's clients for years."

"No, do you actually know him? Have you seen him on campus?"

Thor laughed. "Brother, I know you prefer your studies but everyone knows Tony Stark! His parties are infamous. Well they were until a couple of weeks ago."

Loki struggled to keep the meagre amount of food down. "What happened?"

Thor shrugged before shoving another dumpling in his mouth. "I don't know. He just said he wouldn't be hosting any more parties. That's too bad, his parties were the things of legend."

Loki whipped his head to the side so quickly his neck popped. "You've attended one of his parties?"

The blonde's smile was warm. "Of course. I don't know anyone who hasn't been to one of Stark's parties."

"I haven't," grumbled the raven haired young man who was trying to decide whether to dump a container of noodles over Thor's head or pour scalding soup into his lap. Perhaps both. Both was good.

Thor was oblivious to Loki's mounting frustration. "You haven't? Why not, he lives in your dorm."

"I'm aware," Loki replied dryly. "In fact he lives right above me."

It took several moments before his words sank in and once they did the bright blue eyes widened. "I didn't realize..."

Loki waved the apology away before it started. He was used to Thor forgetting about him until after the fact. "It's no matter."

Thor nodded. "The parties have stopped, haven't they?" Loki nodded but resolutely ignored Thor's eyes. "What's wrong? Has Tony done something?"

"He might have been the reason behind my concussion."

Thor was on his feet in a flash, stray pieces of rice falling from his lap to embed themselves in the carpet. "I thought you said your injury was an accident?"

His tone made the younger man wince. "It was. Now if you would please sit down I will explain what happened."  
   
After taking a moment to marshal his thoughts Loki began to talk. Once he began the words wouldn't, couldn't be stopped. 

Loki toyed with a long strand of hair as he fell silent. He shouldn't have said anything. Already he could feel Thor's eyes on him. Bracing himself for the inevitable lecture, he raised his eyes towards his adoptive brother.

Thor didn't look angry or upset, he looked...resigned. The blonde shook his head. "Loki, you must learn to control your anger. Don't you remember what happened last time?" The younger brother flinched and averted his eyes. "What if Tony had gone to his father? Do you doubt for a moment that Howard would hesitate to use his influence against our family? What were you thinking?"

"I was angry! I hadn't slept in weeks, my grades were slipping and I snapped! I had no idea that the host of the party was Anthony. If I would have I would have acted differently."

"Loki, when is this going to stop? You don't get your way and you lash out like a petulant child. It's time to grow up, brother."

All of the pain and anger  that had been brewing inside of Loki began to boil over. How dare Thor say something so unfeeling and crass. It wasn't Loki's fault that he acted this way but aside from his mother he was constantly treated as through his illness was nothing more but a temper tantrum. 

Instead of lashing out, Loki calmly stood and began to gather his things. "Where are you going?" asked Thor around a mouthful of sesame chicken.

"Home."

"Just let me grab my keys and I'll-"

"No." Those two words made the eldest pause. "I will walk. Campus isn't far."

"Loki, don't leave just because you're angry."

The younger man turned, his shoulders slumping in defeat. "I am not angry. I am tired. I am tired of constantly being treated like I'm second best, like I'm broken, like I'm something that needs to be fixed. I am tired of being looked at with disdain and pity. I am tired of my disease being dismissed. I am not you, Thor, I never will be. I would hope that my brother would understand that but I guess I was wrong."

Loki was out of the door and down the stairs before Thor could gather his wits. Part of him hoped the blonde would come running after him but the other part of him didn't care. 

The walk back to campus was a blur. Loki's brain didn't come back online until he was locking the door behind him. He shrugged off his coat and headed to the bathroom for a shower. 

Once he was clean he wrapped himself in his robe and spread a towel across the bed. Kneeling he groped blindly until his fingers found the corner of a worn cigar box. He had found it in his parent's attic one summer and had kept the treasures if his youth in it. Now it contained something very different.

The straight razor glinted in the dull light and Loki immediately felt some of the tension leave his body. His skin felt tight and irritated as he situated himself on the bed. Tugging the robe open he ran his hands along his thighs in a mockery of a lover's caress. Once he found a suitable patch of skin he grasped the razor and closed his eyes, allowing the world to fall away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter is long. It's about time we get to the meat of this story. It also lives up to its 'Mature' rating so you have been warned. Hopefully the next update won't take so long.

Loki loved Halloween. It was the one day of the year when he could, successfully, pretend to be someone else. Despite the bullying of his childhood, everyone always speculated about his next costume. For one day he was popular, for one day he didn't dread walking into the school. It gave him something to look forward to during the other 364 days of hell.

This year Halloween fell on a Saturday and Loki was thrilled to discover that his college's love for the holiday was even greater than his own. 

When the students woke on October 1st the entire campus had been transformed. Black and orange crepe paper was wrapped around every surface imaginable, fake spider webs stretched across every corner and were crammed in to every crannie imaginable. Ghosts and witches and zombies were scattered everywhere and lit by the glow of dozens of stands of orange and purple lights.

Everywhere there were cauldrons of candy and treats as well as the occasional trick which were gleefully posted on social media. The obsession with the season seemed unusual but the upperclassmen took it very seriously. They even found very creative methods of punishing those who dared defile the decorations.

Each weekend there was an activity: first a corn maze, then a haunted house which was followed by a carnival. The final weekend was to be the masquerade ball, an event that was legendary and the envy of all who heard about it. There were always students from rival schools who attempted to sneak in but somehow, even in costume, they were caught.

Loki avoided the maze and the haunted house, his anxiety levels were high enough already and the last thing he needed was to be heard screaming like an adolescent girl because of some fool in a mask. It took the entire week but he finally gained enough courage to head to the carnival.

Once he entered his eyes shone with joy, he was sure he looked like a wide-eyed child but he was beyond caring. He used to beg his mother to go to every carnival and fair that rolled in to town as a child. She didn't always say yes but when she did it was that much more special.

The rides, the sounds, the bright neon lights and the smells transported him to a time when he was happy. When life was easier and he still had a family. A time before he shattered into the mess he was today.

He was never afraid when he went to the carnival with Thor, his older brother vowed to protect him and took that promise seriously. Even when the ferris wheel broke down and they were stuck at the top for nearly an hour, never once was he afraid. Thor kept him distracted with stories and games, keeping his eyes away from the ground that seemed so far away. 

But, as always, things changed. The carnival lost its charm, at least for Thor. It became a way to show off for the groups of tittering girls, giving them the prizes won at the games. Loki became a hindrance to Thor, opting to disappear into the crowds rather than dealing with his brother's not so subtle hints to get lost. 

It was difficult to accept at first but Loki knew that times were changing, they couldn't be children forever. But standing in the center of the Halloween carnival with the wind catching his hair and a caramel apple threatening to drip on to his boots he was reminded of a time when life was still easy. When he still had a brother, when he was still his mother's son. A time when he was still loved.

Determined to keep his mood light, Loki wandered through the grounds while taking in as much as he could. There was a type of magic in the air that dissolved the various barriers that dominated the school. The same students that knocked his books off of his desk now waved or even spoke to him. He watched as a huge jock showed a bookish underclassmen how to successfully toss the rings on to bottles while the captain of the math team explained the odds of grabbing the correct numbered duck to a student who rarely left his video games.

Loki spotted the scary red head and a sandy haired young man methodically putting the shooting gallery out of business. It seemed like the two couldn't miss and the crowd, along with their pile of stuffed prizes, was steadily growing.

Giving the two a wide berth, Loki was trying to decide which ride to go on next when a familiar voice made him cringe. He turned the corner to see a crowd gathered around the strong-man game. At the center, as usual, was Thor. The blonde let out a grunt of effort and swung the hammer hard, crowing in triumph when the bell at the top rang soundly. The owner of the game looked bored as he handed a plush bear to none other than Tony Stark. The dark haired young man took his time scanning the audience before handing the bear to a blushing blonde. He whispered something in her ear that made her giggle before nodding at Thor and starting the process over.

The sight of Thor surrounded by the crowd of adoring peers brought back too many bad memories and Loki abruptly turned and started walking in the opposite direction. He needed to clear his mind, to chase away the bitter taste of past days. He wandered until he found the highest, most terrifying ride and got in line. Hopefully all of the adrenaline pumping through his veins would keep his mind off of his brother.

Loki rode every ride at least twice until his joints ached and his throat was raw from screaming. He was so stuffed with endorphins that he couldn't chase away the stupid smile on his face the entire walk back to the dorm. Too tired to take a shower so he simply kicked off his boots and collapsed on top of the covers. His day hadn't been perfect but it was one of the only bright spots so far this semester.

\---------------

The next week crawled by in anticipation for the masquerade ball. Loki had been working on his costume for weeks and he hoped that his dedication showed. He was going as a sorcerer with a more modern edge. The black, leather pants were almost sinfully tight and he swore as he fought to lace up his heavy boots while wearing them. The shirt was sleeveless but was a pattern of black and green leather woven together to resemble armor. The coat was the piece he was proudest of. He had found an old green leather duster in a thrift store and proceeded to go to town on it. He split the back in to wide strips that moved with him when he walked. After adjusting the fit he had added gold detailing all over, again to make it resemble armor. 

Instead of just looking like a sorcer, he looked like a mage who was ready to enter the battlefield and decimate an army. His mask was an intricate mix of black, green and gold with protrusions that made it seem like he was wearing a horned helm. He pulled his hair back in to a low knot at the base of his skull and lined his eyes before slipping on his mask. After tugging on fingerless black gloves he gave himself a final look on the mirror. Loki was gone and in his place was someone who exuded power and confidence. It was all an act, of course, but that was the beauty of Halloween. For one night you were allowed to become someone else and that's why Loki loved this particular holiday.

Heads turned when he walked in and phones appeared to capture the details of his costume. More than one person asked to take a picture with him and Loki fought to hide his smile. He thought his costume was good but certainly it didn't deserve all of this attention. 

Grabbing a cup of punch, which had yet to be spiked, he found a dark corner and looked out over the room. 

There were costumes of every kind imaginable. It seemed like most of the students took Halloween very seriously because there were very few last-minute costumes. He spotted Thor dressed as a zombie, the scary redhead was a terrifying vampire and Tony was some type of robot adorned in red and gold. It seemed like every student was vying for the coveted 'Best Costume' award which was given right before the unmasking at midnight. The student who won received a cash prize as well as bragging rights. Loki knew he didn't have a chance at winning and wondered who would take home the prize.

As the night wore on he was asked to dance several times which shocked him and to his surprise he discovered that he was having a good time. He finally asked for a break from his last partner, his leather outfit was stifling, and grabbed a cup of punch that was now most definitely spiked.

He wandered around the perimeter of the crowd, slowly sipping his drink, when he spotted a flash of gold and red. He nearly turned around but something made him take a step closer. Tony was backed in to a corner by a young woman who was dressed as an old time reporter. Loki recognized her at once. Christine Everheart, the president of the newspaper and the biggest gossip in campus. If you had a secret she would find it and wouldn't hesitate to lord that information over your head. 

Tony had a smile plastered on his face but Loki could tell by his body language that he was uncomfortable. It must have been the drink because before he knew it he was striding over to the pair. 

Loki swung a friendly arm around her shoulders and smiled at her glare. "You will never guess who is making out under the bleachers."

Christine's eyes glittered, Tony all but forgotten. "Who?"

"It's no fun if I tell you. Better hurry before one of the chaperones finds them first."

The blonde was off like a shot and Tony's sigh of relief was audible. "Thanks, I never thought she'd leave."

"Don't worry about it."

Loki turned to go when a hand on his arm made him stop. He met Tony's dark eyes through his mask. "Who are you?"

"Don't you recognize me?"

The shorter man shook his head. "Should I?" Loki nodded and Tony frowned. He walked a slow circle around the mage, drinking in each detail. "I have no clue. I think you're lying, I'm sure that I would remember meeting someone like you."

A dark eyebrow rose behind Loki's mask. Surely Tony was joking, he wasn't that unrecognizable, was he? Thinking back over the course of the night gave him pause. Not once had he been called by name. He had danced with people who treated him as though he was invisible. He had taken pictures with those who shoved him in the hallways. He had even had a few propositions from those who had called him vile nicknames in the past.

"Trust me, we've met," he finally answered.

Tony shook his head then gave him a sly smile. "While I think it over can I get you a drink? It's the least I can do for my rescuer."

Tossing back the rest of his punch Loki nodded then jerked in surprise when Tony grabbed him by the hand and led him through the crowd. The punch tasted even stronger this time but Loki enjoyed the way in burned though his veins. 

Tony was still studying, trying to place him. Loki confidently met his eyes and couldn't stop the smile when Tony took his hand once more and pulled him on to the dance floor. It was completely packed but neither one seemed to mind.

As the night wore on the space between them diminished until, in a bold move, Tony reached out and put his hands on Loki's hips. The taller man, his cheeks flushed from dancing and alcohol, reciprocated by wrapping his arms around Tony's shoulders. As they rocked to the music Loki slotted one of his thighs between Tony's and felt more than heard the gasp against his neck. 

Part of Loki's brain was screaming, he never acted like this. He was never bold or aggressive but the magic of the night, his anonymity and the cheap vodka created a cocktail that banished his inhibitions. He would hate himself tomorrow but right now, at this very moment, he did not care.

One of Tony's hands crept under his jacket to curl around his ribs and Loki made a pleased sound  while carding his fingers through Tony's hair. Suddenly Tony was pulling back and Loki frowned. The shorter man grinned and grabbed his hand, leading him through the crowd and discretely slipping out of the auditorium. 

The night air was crisp and Loki sucked in an eager lungful as Tony paused while peeking around a corner. He hurried along before ducking in to an alcove and pulling Loki after him. It was a tight fit but the two had just enough room. 

Tony wrapped one arm around Loki's waist and tilted his chin down with his free hand. "Who are you?"

"You haven't figured it out yet?"

"Nope and honestly, at the moment, I don't care." His eyes dropped to Loki's lips when he wet them and a very familiar grin appeared. He rose up on his toes and pressed a kiss to those lips.

Loki's eyes widened in surprise before sliding shut. It had been ages since he had been kissed and he didn't realize how much he missed it until now. He tightened his fingers in Tony's hair and deepened the kiss, enjoying the pleased rumble that he felt against his chest. 

The slick slide of Tony's tongue against his own was more intoxicating than the punch and Loki involuntarily rolled his hips, grinning when he felt Tony's hardness against his thigh. The shorter man retaliated by wrapping one leg around his own to pull them flush together and Loki broke the kiss to moan. 

Tony's lips were on his neck while his hands scrabbled at his shoulders, shoving the heavy coat back and off. "God, you're gorgeous," he murmured against Loki's adams apple. Warm hands ran down Loki's bare arms, causing goosebumps to rise in their wake. 

Their lips met again as Loki's hands slid under the edge of Tony's jacket, swallowing a groan when he met bare skin. The shorter man led Loki's hands to the front of his jacket where a zipper was hidden beneath the material. Loki quickly tugged the zipper down and with a shove Tony's jacket joined his on the floor. 

Loki's hands slipped beneath the thin tank top that Tony wore as his mouth fitted against the join of his neck and shoulder. Tony groaned and arched as his teeth sank in to the delicate skin. Rolling his hips to alleviate some of the pressure, Loki gently soothed the bite with his tongue.

He pulled back for a moment and caught Tony's hand as he reached for his mask. "No."

Tony's lips were swollen when he pouted. "Then tell me your name."

"In time." 

Tony pouted and Loki laughed, leaning in to kiss away the pout. Tony's lips eagerly parted and Loki couldn't ignore the invitation. Tony tasted of punch and alcohol and something else, something that Loki could not get enough of.

Pulling back for air, Loki felt Tony tugging impatiently on his shirt. He raised an eyebrow and Tony nodded. He showed Tony how to loosen the garment and was careful to keep his mask in place as it was lifted over his head.  It was simple to tug Tony's tank top off and their moans melted together as their bare skin met. 

Loki's head fell back as Tony kissed his way down his chest, using his teeth and tongue to tease his nipples in to hardness. He tightened his fingers in Tony's hair, his back arching and hips rolling as he was teased. He was painfully hard, the tight leather of his pants was nearly too much.

Tony chuckled as he slipped a hand between them and caressed the hard length while sucking hard on an already tender nipple. Loki bit back a shout and yanked Tony's head up to kiss away that dammable smirk. 

It was Tony's turn to moan when Loki's hands slid down to grab two handfuls of his ass. His hands wrapped around the slim shoulders as Loki used his grip to pull them tightly together. The position made Loki's trapped erection grind against his own and a strangled sound slipped from between his lips.

Loki's grin was dark as he slowly slid one hand down the back of Tony's pants, his finger delving between his cheeks. 

"Yesss..." Tony hissed while arching towards the searching digit. He whined when the hand was removed but the sound turned in to a whimper of longing as two fingers were slipped in to his mouth. He sucked on them greedily while keeping his eyes firmly on Loki's. Behind the mask the taller man's eyes were blown wide with arousal and he watched as his fingers moved between Tony's swollen lips.

He pulled them free with an obscene noise and  slid his fingers beneath Tony's waistband once more. He wasted no time delving between the pert cheeks and after a beat slowly slid one finger into Tony's tight entrance. They both groaned and Tony pressed back, taking Loki's finger all of the way into his tight body.

Loki pressed a strong thigh between Tony's as he began to slowly thrust. Tony couldn't decide whether to roll his hips forward against Loki's thigh or back on to the thrusting digit. He set his mouth against Loki's pale neck, attempting to muffle his moans.

The leather pants that Loki wore were nearly painful and he blindly reached for Tony's free hand as he pressed another finger inside. Tony sobbed against his neck but composed himseld as Loki guided his hands to his fly. He fumbled with the button but soon it came free. Before he could draw down the zipper a sound made them freeze.

It was someone, most likely a group of someones, searching for Tony.

The young man swore and quickly moved away from Loki. He crouched down to retrieve his discarded clothes, purposefully ignoring Loki's eyes. "I'll be right back, okay?" 

Loki nodded and watched him slip away. He waited for several long minutes but couldn't hear a sound. Shaking his head he straightened his clothes and pulled his shirt and jacket back on. It served him right. What was he thinking? This was Tony Stark who slept with anything that moved. Plus, Tony didn't even know it was him! If he would have things would have gone in a much different direction.

For the rest of the evening he stuck to water and people watching, staying away from the crowd. He would not admit that he turned at every flash of red but it seemed like Tony was gone. 

Loki considered going home but he wanted to see who won for best costume.

He had voted for a girl dressed as a fireworks display but there were so many clever and unique costumes that he knew the voting was nearly impossible.

Finally midnight drew closer and the headmaster directed everyone's attention to the stage. He was a large dark skinned man dressed as a pirate, a feathered cap and fake parrot completing the ensemble.

"If I could please have everyone's attention! Thank you. This year's Halloween has been the most successful one yet!" He went on and only talking about how much money they had raised and so on while the students pretended to listen. 

Out of the corner of his eye Loki saw a splash of red and immediately knew it was Tony. He forced himself to look straight ahead but he could tell that the young man was slowly working his way closer.

"Now, the moment you've all been waiting for! I  must applaud the dedication and creativity that you've shown this year. The voting was close but this year's winner for best costume was the dark wizard!"

Loki's mouth fell open when his picture was suddenly projected on to the screen at the front of the room. It was of fairly good quality but it was obvious that it was taken by someone's phone. It must have been taken when he first arrived. He had been nervously scanning the crowd but in the picture he looked menacing, as though he was choosing his next victim.

Suddenly hands were on his shoulders and back, urging him forward. The roar of the crowd was deafening and the stage lights were bright as he climbed the stairs. He shook the headmaster's hand and accepted an envelope, a smile slowly growing on his face. 

Looking into the crowd he saw Thor as well as Tony who put his fingers to his lips and let out a sharp whistle. He gave a mocking bow and the crowd ate it up, clapping and cheering.

"It's nearly midnight and you know what that means. Please ready yourselves for the unmasking!"

A countdown began and Loki's stomach churned. Would they still cheer when they saw who was beneath the mask? What would Tony do? The last time they met he had run the moment that he recognized Loki. Would he run again? Would he be disgusted with Loki's earlier behavior? Would he, maybe, want to continue where they left off. Loki wasn't attracted to Tony but after tonight he wouldn't refuse a night in his bed if it was offered.

"10...9...8..." Loki met Tony's eyes across the room. "7...6...5...4..." He reached for his mask. "3...2...1..." Loki closed his eyes and removed the mask. He waited a beat before opening his eyes and his stomach plummeted. 

Tony was gone. 

The crowd still cheered and he could hear Thor's roar but Tony had disappeared. As he walked off of the stage he was surrounded with praise but he was numb to it. A cup of punch was handed to him and he tossed it back without a flinch. He threw back drink after drink while smiling for pictures and answeing questions about his costume but none of it mattered. As soon as his mask had been lifted Tony had disappeared and in his absence all of Loki's fears and concerns from the beginning of the semester came flooding back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm going to get comments about Loki's behavior in this chapter. You might be asking how such a shy, depressed, insecure person could have such a steamy encounter with someone who makes him miserable.
> 
> Validation.
> 
> Loki is based off of me and I use the more physical side to validate myself. Is it healthy? No. But it works.
> 
> As always, reviews make the world go 'round.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am floored by the response to this. I don't know what to say besides Thank You!!!
> 
> This chapter is from Tony's point of view. I won't be switching back and forth often but you guys needed to see some of the events from his perspective.
> 
> Don't forget that reviews make the world go 'round and help calm my crushing anxiety.

Tony groaned as he rolled over, swallowing hard in an attempt to keep the contents of his stomach in place. He’d never felt so sick in his life. It wasn’t just a hangover, no it was much more than that. He swore that his very bones ached and each movement was agony.

The source of his pain?

Loki fucking Odinson.

Tony had known the Odinson family since he was a child. His father praised the Asgard corporation, in his eyes they could do no wrong. Of course if Odin wasn’t such a sly bastard his father, and probably Tony as well, would have been thrown in to prison many years ago. Tony’s mother had never liked Odin or his practices but she kept her opinions to herself as long as they kept her family safe. After her death his father’s relationship with Odin had only grown stronger.

Growing up Tony had been forced to socialize with Odin’s two children and while it wasn’t terrible it wasn’t exactly his idea of a good time. Thor was loud and easy to get along with, always willing to go along with Tony’s schemes. Loki…well…to be honest Loki had always creeped Tony out. He was Thor’s complete opposite, sticking to the shadows and only speaking when spoken to. He rarely participated in their antics but more than once Tony was given a start when he noticed those piercing green eyes peering at him from the shadows.

As they grew older Thor and Loki were no longer required to come to the house for visits but Tony did stay in touch with Thor. They partied together throughout high school and Thor only brought Loki along once or twice before realizing that his younger brother did not fit in to their social scene. It was a relief to everyone when Loki stopped showing up to parties. It was painfully obvious that he did not enjoy being dragged to them either.

Pulling himself back to the present, Tony blindly reached out and snagged a water bottle off of the cluttered nightstand. He tentatively sipped, pleading with his stomach to accept the offering. He curled around the bottle, enjoying the cold temperature against his flushed skin, and closed his eyes once more.

Anxiety crawled down his spine as the memory of his first encounter with Loki here at school. It had taken exactly two weeks for word of his parties to spread and soon it was the place to be. He chose Sundays because he didn’t have classes on Monday morning and no one ever complained. Well, no one until Loki. It be fair Tony had tried to invite him; he had knocked on the door, waited 2.6 seconds for a reply, then bolted. It didn’t even occur to Tony that the parties were bothering Loki, the young man never complained. Unfortunately he quickly discovered that Loki didn’t complain, he took action.

Tony had been drunk, that wonderful blissful type of drunk where everything is beautiful and everyone is your friend so he thought nothing of it when someone came marching up to him. Usually it was one of his party guests lamenting the fact that the keg was empty or that a certain song wasn’t on the playlist. He did not expect six feet of tall, dark and angry to march him out into the hall. To this day the look in Loki’s eyes haunted him. He was angry, of course, but his eyes held more than just anger. His eyes were hard and cold, just looking in to them made Tony’s stomach plummet. When he threatened to destroy Tony, to bring him down by any means possible it broke something in him. Tony had nothing of his own, everything was from his father’s legacy. His time in college was his chance to prove himself, to forge his own path. The thought of losing that over something as trivial as a party was enough to send him spiraling down in to a pit of depression so deep that it took weeks to crawl out of.

He was so afraid of running in to Loki that he took to sleeping in his friends’ dorms. When Rhodey told him that Loki had come looking for him he panicked and refused to leave Pepper’s dorm for two days. Natasha assured him that Loki only wanted to apologize for his behavior but he still didn’t sleep in his own bed until Pepper kicked him out.

Of course then he had to, literally, run in to Loki. At the time he didn’t recognize Loki and he felt like shit for nearly knocking this other student unconscious. Instead of making things better he made them worse by running his mouth and causing Loki to almost literally shove him away. He felt terrible when he heard about Loki passing out at dinner and did his best to fix it by apologizing. He just couldn’t catch a break when he attempted to apologize the next day. Loki turned his apology on him and revealed that he was the one who had broken up Tony’s party. All of the emotions that Tony thought he had processed rushed back in full force and his father would have been ashamed at the way that he turned and ran.

Over the next few weeks he did everything possible to avoid Loki and it seemed like the other student was doing the same. The two managed to stay out of each other’s way for the most part. They didn’t have any classes in the same buildings and Loki never went to any of the school functions. Once Tony spotted him limping across the quad and nearly stopped to ask if he was alright but something held him back. Tony also saw him at the Halloween carnival, his cheeks flushed and a real smile on his lips as he stumbled off of some thrill ride. It was the first time that Tony really saw him as a person, not as the monster fueling his anxiety.

His stomach gave a violent lurch when the actions of last night came flooding back at once. He swallowed hard and felt a cold sweat break out across his body. He could not believe that he had not recognized Loki! Yes, it was Halloween and Loki’s costume was intricate but the voice, the eyes, the way he held himself should have been a dead giveaway. Tony had been drinking but he wasn’t that far gone.

He shoved the covers away and raked his hands through his hair as a thought came to him. Maybe he didn’t want to recognize Loki. Maybe part of him did know it was Loki but he didn’t care. There were too many variables for him to make a decision and it set him on edge.

Yes, Tony was known to sleep with anything that moved but last night felt different. He was actually attracted to the dark stranger and was more than ready to sleep with him. If Pepper and Rhodey hadn’t come looking for him then the night would have ended very differently. When midnight rolled around and Loki was unmasked Tony had nearly had a meltdown. He didn’t know how to process the flood of emotions in his body and had spent the night fighting back his nausea as his friends huddled around him. Eventually they had gone their ways, leaving him alone with his thoughts, and Tony was both grateful and resentful.

He pushed himself into a sitting position, thankful that the room was no longer spinning, and kicked items here and there until he had unearthed a matching pair of shoes and a hoodie. Deciding that a greasy breakfast was in order he shoved his keys and wallet in his pockets and headed downstairs. Before he made it outside he heard the unmistakable sounds of a fight coming from the lower floor. He cautiously opened the door, not wanting to get hit by accident, and his eyes widened at the sight.

Natasha’s partner in crime, Clint, had Loki by the throat, somehow holding the taller student off of the floor. Tony watched in horror as Natasha’s punch landed and split Loki’s lip open, a trail of crimson staining his fine skin. A few other students were trying to shake Clint off but the shorter man was ridiculously strong and Natasha’s glare gave them pause.

Loki’s eyes blinked open and met Tony’s and the engineering student felt his heart break. Loki wasn’t struggling, he didn’t claw at Clint’s arm even though his face was turning purple. He looked resigned. The bright eyes closed once more and that was enough to break Tony’s paralysis.

“Let him go!” Tony shoved at Clint’s shoulder but he would have had more luck shoving a boulder.

Natasha turned on him, fists still raised. “But he…”

“No, let him go. Now!”

Tony stood toe to toe with Natasha, neither one backing down until she finally gave an almost imperceptible nod of her head. Clint uncurled his fingers and Loki collapsed like a puppet with its strings cut, gasping and hacking as air reentered his lungs. Tony glared at the two then knelt down next to Loki as the hallway slowly emptied. The student was shaking with adrenaline, his face hidden to hide the tears that ran down his flushed cheeks. Tony knew better than to try to touch or even speak to him so he patiently waited until Loki calmed down before softly speaking.

“Do you want to go inside?” Loki nodded and practically crawled up the wall to get to his feet. Tony opened the door and waited at the threshold while Loki curled up on his bed. “May I come in?” It took a beat but Loki eventually nodded. Tony moved a stack of books off of a chair and sat down at his bedside.

Loki was still shaking, the tremors made worse by the fact that his throat was so swollen he could barely breathe. Thin fingers tightened in the sheets to the point of pain as he tried to calm down. He had put on a brave face in the hallway but now that he was in the privacy of his room it seemed like he was allowing the panic to set in.

Tony had experienced enough panic attacks in his life to know one when he saw one. "Loki, you need to calm down." The other student let out a broken sound and tried to turn away as tears slipped down his cheeks. "Don't twist like that, it'll put too much strain on your neck." Loki was beyond listening and Tony knew he had to do something. 

He carefully sat down on the bed behind Loki and placed a hand on his side, acclimating Loki to his touch. When he wasn't shoved away he slowly let that hand travel down to Loki's chest. The dark haired student's breath was coming in short gasps and it was obvious that he couldn't get enough air. "I'm right here. I might not be the person you wanted to see but I'm here and you're safe. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise."

Loki's mouth opened to let out a strangled cry as he fought against the panic. Tony was at a loss. When he had panic attacks he couldn't stand to be touched but it seemed like Loki was more tactile. Hoping that his instincts were correct, Tony stretched out to lay behind Loki, his chest pressed against the other's back. "Come on, Loki, breathe." Loki struggled and Tony tightened his grip. "Don't fight me. I will not hurt you. I'm just trying to help." Loki's movements were becoming sluggish and Tony prayed it wasn't due to lack of oxygen. "Stay with me. Please...please stay with me. You're safe, I'm here." Tony tucked his face against Loki's neck as continued to mumble nonsense for what felt like hours. Finally he felt the muscles against him start to relax he let out the breath he was holding.

Tony started to pull away but Loki let out a soft sound of protest and weakly grabbed his arm. "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."

It didn't take Loki long to fall asleep and Tony gently pulled himself free. He shook the feeling back in to his arm and moved to sit in his original seat. He scrubbed at his eyes until he saw spots and blinked to clear his vision. Exhaustion crept into his bones and all he wanted to do was go back to bed. Instead he was stuck babysitting the very person who had made his semester miserable. True, he could leave but even he wasn't that heartless.

Loki didn't sleep for long but it took quite some time for him to get his bearings once he woke. He started when he saw Tony and instinctively moved back.

Tony held his hands up. "Easy there. It's okay." He tucked his phone away and met Loki's eyes.  "I just stayed to make sure you were okay."

Loki dropped his eyes to the blankets and frowned when he saw the bright drops of red staining them. He reached up and winced when he felt his split lip. It was crusted in dried blood and throbbed with each beat of his heart.

Wordlessly Tony headed into the bathroom and emerged with a washcloth. Loki took it without meeting his eyes and carefully started to clean the wound, trying and failing to mask his pain. 

While he worked Tony gave himself the liberty to dig through Loki's tiny fridge and bathroom. He placed a bottle of water and a couple of white tabs on the bedside table and pretended not to watch as Loki attempted to clean the blood from his skin. 

The washcloth hit the ground and Loki took the pills with a grimace. He finally met Tony's eyes but quickly looked away. "I'm sorry." His voice sounded like sandpaper on gravel and he sipped at his water in an attempt to ease the strain.

"Why the hell are you sorry? It was my, albeit former, friends that did this to you. I should be on my knees begging your forgiveness." Loki made a passive gesture and Tony threw up his hands. "Why are you acting like this is okay? Like this is normal?"

The green eyes before him looked so sad that Tony wanted to crawl onto the bed and hold Loki close while promising him that no one would ever hurt him again. "It's not the first time. I'll be fine."

Tony wanted to explain that it was worse because it was because of him. He had gone to his friends in a panic after the unmasking, shaking so badly he could barely speak. He didn't get into the details but everyone knew it was because of Loki. Pepper and Rhodey had tried to give him advice but both Natasha and Clint had been suspiciously quiet. Tony knew they were protective of him but he had no idea they would take it so far.

He let out a frustrated sigh and sank back into the chair. "You have to be the most infuriating person I've ever met." Loki refused to look up so Tony pressed on. "You do know we have to talk about this." Loki's head bobbed in a nod. "Well? Don't you have anything to say?"

"Can it wait until my thoat heals? I feel as though I've swallowed broken glass."

Guilt swept hotly through Tony. He could see the purpling bruise ringing the pale neck. "Yeah, um yeah. Of course. Do you need anything?" Loki shook his head and Tony stood. "Just come and find me whenever, okay?" Loki nodded and Tony let himself out of the room, blinking in the bright artificial light. Forget breakfast, now he needed a drink.

All day Loki was on Tony's mind and he hated the feeling. Usually when he had a problem he could usually just throw money at it until it went away. Either that or he could bitch to his friends until they came to a solution. Loki was a problem that couldn't be fixed via the usual methods and it was driving Tony crazy.

It was guilt that drove him from his dorm room and before he knew it he was knocking on Loki's door. The young man cautiously opened it, his eyebrows raising in surprise when he saw Tony. It was obvious that he had just showered, his hair drying in soft curls. The livid bruise on his neck was a sharp contrast to his fine skin and it took everything that Tony had not to grimace.

Holding up a bag, Tony gave an awkward shrug. "I...uh...thought you might like some soup. I didn't know what you liked so I got a little of everything. There's also some tea and honey."

"Thank you." His voice still sounded painful and Tony hoped that there wasn't any permanent damage done. After Loki shut the door Tony slumped against the wall and let his head fall forward. For once in his life he didn't know what to do. He hoped that he would be able to fix this before anyone else got hurt.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good Lord, I never thought I'd get this written. This one fought with me. I'm not exactly pleased with it but it's the best I can do.

It took a week before Loki was willing to meet with Tony. Four days passed before his voice more or less returned, he blamed his silence on laryngitis and everyone gave him a wide berth. Only once did he see Natasha and Clint. The two spotted him across the quad and while Clint looked guilty it was impossible to read Natasha's expression. Loki quickly turned away and didn't stop shaking for a solid ten minutes after locking his door behind him. He nearly missed his next class because he was too terrified to leave. Eventually his fear of flunking overrode his fear of being beaten up and he made it to class with minutes to spare.

The fight caused new terrors to rip him from sleep, his hands clawing at his neck as he gasped for air that wouldn't come. By the end of the week the bruises under his eyes rivaled those around his neck. Luckily midterms were over and Loki was several weeks ahead in most of his classes. He still showed up but his attention span was shot. After a few minutes his mind would wander only to be jerked back to reality by a sharp noise or loud voice. 

No matter how hard he tried he couldn't banish the icy finger of anxiety that slid down his spine when the memories of his panic attack in front of Tony surfaced. He hated his weakness, that once again he had to be saved. Part of him warmed at the memory of Tony holding him close and easing the panic away but those warm feelings were quickly swallowed up by shame.

Surprisingly the few students that witnessed the altercation kept their silence. Several of them showed their solidarity by walking at his side across campus but no one ever spoke of the bruises hidden beneath his scarf or of the split lip he couldn't conceal. Once or twice Tony approached him but Loki sent him away with a shake of his head each time. He wasn't ready to face the other student yet. His blood still ran cold when the memory of the previous weekend resurfaced. He was ashamed of his actions and his thighs bore the evidence in neat lines that caught against his jeans with every step. He could only hope that Tony would simply resent him, he could live with the hatred as long as he was allowed to stay on campus.

Finally Loki could no longer put off the discussion. His homework was done and he had cleaned his room twice over until the windows sparkled and the space reeked of disinfectant. He knew Tony was home, he could hear the low him of music and the occasional thump when something was moved. Steeling himself, he headed upstairs. 

Tony's music was louder than expected and it took four tries before the other student heard the knocking on his door. Before Loki could turn away the music stopped and he could hear Tony scrambling towards the door. It swung open and the expression dropped from his face. "Loki."

"Is now a bad time? I can go."

Tony shook his head. "No, it's fine. Come in." Tony's dorm was the epitome of organized chaos. There were books and tools and inventions and scraps of metal and wire and clothing and a million other bits and pieces scattered around. The student shoved a pile of horribly wrinkled clothing off of the couch and motioned for Loki to sit. "Do you want something to drink?" Loki shook his head and angled himself to face Tony where he perched on an overstuffed armchair.

The other student was restless, unable to sit still for even a moment. His knee bounced, his toe tapped, he picked at a loose thread until it finally unraveled. He was driving Loki crazy. Swallowing the temptation to pounce on Tony just to still him, Loki took a deep breath and raised his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Before Tony could protest he held up a hand to stop him. "This whole thing is my fault. I should never have broken up your party like that. I should have just let it be. I let my anger get the best of me instead of speaking to you like a rational adult. I should have come to you and apologized instead of avoiding you and making you assume the worst."

Loki closed his eyes with a grimace as though he were in pain. "I should not have acted the way I did at the masquerade. It was obvious that you were drunk and didn't recognize me. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you. I should have torn off my mask the moment that you asked but I didn't. I used my anonymity to my advantage and you deserve so much more than that." The young man's voice was shaking and he swallowed several times in an attempt to calm himself. "I know my words are worthless but I am sorry. I don't expect or deserve your forgiveness. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry and whatever consequences I am given I will accept them."

Loki sank back, suddenly weary, and focused on the floor at Tony's feet. He meant what he said, he had made his choices now he had to live with the outcome. If it ended up in his expulsion then so be it. The time for running from his actions had ended.

If Loki would have bothered to look up he would have seen Tony's face flash through a dozen emotions before settling on confusion. For months he had painted Loki as some type of monster, his arch nemesis plotting against him. The man in front of him wasn't a monster, far from it. 

The circles under his eyes were a deep purple, making his skin look even more pale and drawn. It was clear that Loki ran his hands through his hair when he was nervous, strands were stuck and knotted his way and that. He was far too thin, his wrists looked as though they would snap with the slightest pressure, and he seemed to be swallowed up by his clothes. 

No, this was not the monster that haunted Tony's dreams, this was a scared kid who was trying, and failing, to cope with what life was throwing at him. 

"Loki," Tony started, a grimace twisting his face when Loki flinched. "Loki, please look at me." Hesitantly the dull eyes met his. Only a week ago those eyes were bright with mischief and arousal, now the color was muted like washed out glass. "You keep talking about consequences and punishments, what do you think I'm going to do to you?" 

A slim shoulder rolled. "I don't know."

"Yes you do. We're here because neither one of us was willing to talk to the other." Tony licked his lips and leaned forward, elbows on knees. "Do you think I'm going to hurt you?"

Loki couldn't hide his flinch. "Not physically," he mumbled. 

Tony frowned. "Then how would I hurt you?" The you man was a genius but it was impossible to puzzle out Loki. 

For a moment Loki was at war with himself, attempting to decide how much to reveal to Tony. Finally he gave up and decided to put himself out there. He was unsure of the other's reaction but at this point he was beyond caring.

"I thought you might have me expelled. My scholarships and grants revoked. Something along those lines."

It didn't seem possible but Tony's frown deepened. Deep furrows creased the young man's brow. "What? Why do you think I would do something like that?"

"It's what I would do."

There were times in Tony's life that his mouth moved faster than his brain. He'd been attempting to break that habit but unfortunately it was so ingrained that it slipped through every now and then. This was one of those times.

"You learned from the best, didn't you?"

Tony regretted the words the moment they formed in his mouth. Loki's eyes snapped up, the green orbs filled with a rage that made them seem to glow from within. "I am _not_ like Odin. Surely you know that I am not even his son."

Shortly before Loki's 18th birthday he had discovered that he was adopted as an infant. His parents hadn't bothered to tell him, claiming that they were waiting for the right time and that they had lied to protect him. No one knew exactly what had transpired but somehow the media got wind of the story. Odin's PR team did their best to give the story a positive spin but everyone who heard the tale walked away with a sour taste in their mouths. Loki had all but disappeared from the public's eyes, there were even rumors that he had killed himself, which obviously was false. But after seeing his worn condition Tony had to wonder how much truth those rumors held. 

Tony held up his hands in an attempt to placate Loki. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

"Bullshit," Loki spit while smoothly coming to his feet. "You're a Stark. I've never known Howard to mince words, I doubt you're any different."

It was Tony's turn to see red. "Take it back."

Loki's tone was mocking. "Or what? You'll run to daddy and have him fix your problems as usual? You're pathetic, Stark. You couldn't do anything on your own if you tried. You shouldn't even be here, you could have stayed home with the best tutors in the world. Instead you're here, trying to prove that you're just a regular guy. That you're one of us. What a joke. You'll never be anything more than Howard's mistake of a son. You-"

The next words were swallowed by Tony's fist. Loki's head flew back and the taste of copper flooded his mouth. He barely had time to react before Tony was on him. His back hit the floor and his breath left him as Tony landed hard on top of him. 

The other student was angry beyond words, he was shaking as he loomed over Loki. It was obvious that Tony wasn't a fighter, the punches  his threw didn't have his full weight behind him. They still stung and something like glee crossed Tony's face when the porcelain skin split and ruby blood rushed to the surface. He just wanted Loki to hurt, no matter the consequences.

After years of living with Thor Loki had learned a thing or two about fighting. He twisted and managed to roll from underneath Tony. Shoving the other student away Loki attempted to get to his feet when fire lanced  through his skull as Tony grabbed a handful of his hair, dragging him back down.

The two struggled for dominance, rolling this way and that. Items fell off of shelves and were crushed beneath their bodies as they fought. Clothes were torn and bruises bloomed  across their skin as the two worked out their anger.

Loki took a deep breath, getting ready to attempt to throw Tony off when his eyes widened. His arms came up to shelter his face as he squeezed his eyes shut, bracing for the pain. In Tony's hand was a half-full bottle and Loki only hoped that it would be over quickly.

Tony's frowned at Loki's reaction, he didn't understand how his expression to shift from anger to fear so quickly. Following his gaze his stomach twisted when he saw the bottle. He hadn't even realized that he had been holding it. The bottle crashed to the floor as Tony scrambled away, a look of horror on his face.

In his haste to get away a shard of glass embedded itself in his palm. Tony cried out and that was enough to break Loki's paralysis. The dark haired student slowly sat up and considered leaving. His entire body ached and he could only imagine the array of colors that decorated his face. This was his chance to escape, to run back to his room and add to Tony's marks with his own.

But Loki couldn't leave. Watching Tony cradle his bloody hand close, his other hand trembling in pain as he attempted to pull the slick shard free caused something to break inside of him.

"Do you have a first aid kit?" His words made Tony jump, the dark eyes bright in pain and fear. Eventually he glanced towards the bathroom and Loki pulled himself off of the floor with a slight groan. Buried under the sink was a large kit and Loki sat it down on the coffee table before holding a hand out to Tony.

The engineer stared at the hand for several moments before grasping it and allowing Loki to pull him to his feet. He was led to the couch and perched on the edge as Loki sat on the table in front of him. Thin hands methodically cleaned the blood away before grasping the glass firmly with a pair of tweezers. Loki gave Tony a moment to brace himself before pulling it free. "This needs stitches. I can do it or I can patch you up enough to go the emergency room."

"It's fine, you do it."

Loki's eyebrows rose. "Are you sure? Ten minutes ago I was trying to bash your skull in."

Tony rolled his shoulders uncomfortably. "I don't want the fuss of the ER."

With a nod Loki cleaned the wound once more and stitched the skin together with quick, neat sutures. He wrapped Tony's hand in gauze and  tossed the trash away. After replacing the first aid kit he began to systematically clean up the dorm. The broken bottle was tossed away and the sticky liquor was mopped up. Loki righted everything that had been toppled in their scuffle and tried to ignore Tony's eyes on him.

"What are you doing?"

"Cleaning."

"Why?" Loki shrugged but Tony wasn't having it. "Don't give me that. A few minutes ago I nearly smashed your face in and now you're cleaning my dorm. What's going on?"

A sigh seemed to deflate the thin young man. "Because you didn't deserve that. I only said those things to hurt you and in the process I made a mess. I have to fix it now."

Tony watched Loki right a stack of books that had toppled over before standing and coming to Loki's side. Silently he worked to clean up their mess until his dorm was the cleanest it had been in months. Once they finished it was Tony's turn to lead Loki to the couch. He pulled a gel pack from the freezer and wrapped it in a towel before taking his previous position in the chair.

"Can we try this again?" Loki nodded and Tony ran his good hand through his hair. "We're both really fucked up, aren't we?"

The question shocked a laugh out of Loki. "Yeah, we are." He shifted the ice pack and worried his swollen lip between his teeth. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. You're not like Howard. I don't know you at all but you're not like him."

"Yeah, I didn't mean that shit either. And I'm sorry about...you know." Tony gestured to Loki's bruised face. He probably had a few marks of his own but Loki hadn't fought back as much as attempted to throw him off. 

"I've had worse."

The silence fell thick between them until Tony couldn't stand it. "What do we do now?"

"Go our separate ways, I guess."

"What if I don't want that?

Tony's response made his head snap up. "What?"

"I think that I would like to get to know you."

"I'm not one of your experiments, Stark."

Tony shook his head. "It's not like that. I knew you as a kid, I thought I knew who you turned in to but I was wrong. I just want to get to know you. I don't know if we could be friends but I'd like to try."

The lines of Loki's frown were so deep Tony feared they'd be etched there forever. "I don't have any friends. Why would you waste your time on me?"

"Because you're fascinating. You're brilliant and shy and sharp and seem to be as fucked up as I am. I want to pick your brain apart and see what makes you tick." He glanced away and suddenly looked so young that Loki wanted to reach out for him. "I've done nothing but make mistakes with you this year and I'm just asking for a chance to make things right. I don't deserve that chance but...yeah..."

Loki searched Tony's face for any sign of deception. He had heard this all before. People wanted to be his friend, they promised to see him though then they all turned and left as soon as things got tough. Tony's words seemed sincere and Loki knew there would be nothing but disappointment in his future but he was so lonely, so starved for attention that the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

"Okay."

Tony's eyes lit up like a child receiving a new puppy. "Really?"

"Really.'

The other student did a little happy dance in his chair that made Loki snort. "I have to admit, I'm not very good at this. What do we do now?"

"Now I go home, wash off the blood, take a handful of painkillers and go to bed. Feel free to text me later, maybe you can help me study for my algebra exam."

Tony nodded and walked Loki to the door. "Thank you for this. Most people wouldn't have given me the light of day after everything."

Loki waved off the words. "Take care of that hand. The stitches should dissolve on their own but go to the nurse if they don't."

He handed Tony the ice pack and pulled the door behind him. He already regretted agreeing to Tony's proposal but it was too late now. He wondered how long it would take before Tony tired of him and walked away like so many others before him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

It didn’t take Tony long to discover that being friends with Loki was…different. Their relationship was so fucked up to begin with that it was nearly impossible to simply “start over”. They had know each other since childhood, become the others’ worst enemy, nearly slept together, then attempted to mangle each other before calling a truce. None of that could be forgotten, it couldn’t be erased and it caused many uncomfortable and awkward moments between them.

Tony knew that Loki was shy but he didn’t understand the level of social of social anxiety that caused this shyness until he asked if Loki wanted to study at the library. The other student’s face paled and he curled inward as if Tony was going to harm him if he said no. Tony immediately rescinded the offer but it took over an hour before Loki would even look at him again. He knew Loki kept sneaking glances and did his best to reassure him that he wasn’t going anywhere and that he wasn’t upset but Tony knew that it was going to take more than that to prove to Loki that he wasn’t going to just get up and leave.

It was no surprise that Tony was popular and often people would stop by. The first time it happened Loki had panicked and rushed into the bathroom, nearly making himself sick with nerves. Afterwards he was too embarrassed to come out and waited until Tony went to the dining hall before leaving. Now he made sure to sit in a position where no one could see him if Tony opened the door. Luckily Tony always stepped into the hallway if his guest wanted to stay and talk. If anyone thought it was strange they never said anything, they probably figured that Tony had “company” and wanted to keep their identity a secret. It was only partially true but it did help put Loki’s already frayed nerves at ease.

Of course being friends with Tony wasn’t any picnic either. He was loud and loved to have music playing as he studied. Loki preferred silence and would flinch and wince as the music poured out of Tony’s speakers. He never said anything but Tony knew Loki didn’t get any work done when they studied in his dorm. He offered to turn off the music but Loki always refused, stating that it was Tony’s room and it should be the way he wanted. 

Tony’s own eccentricities and quirks also came in to play more often than not and put their own strain on an already tentative relationship. Tony could not sit still for the life of him. He bounced his knee, fidgeted in his chair, clicked his pen and a million different things in an attempted to burn up all of the excess energy within his body. 

It drove Loki insane.

Each time Tony clicked his pen he grit his teeth, each time Tony got up to pace around the room he dug his pen a little harder into his notebook, each time Tony bounced his stress ball against the wall he dug his nails deeper into his palm. Eventually Tony would notice that something was wrong as ask about it and Loki would deny everything in the fear that Tony would ask him to leave.

In reality they weren’t friends. They were barely acquaintances. By the end of the month they barely knew any more about the other than when they began. They were both too stubborn to admit defeat and refused to acknowledge the fact that eventually this farce would have to come to an end. Unfortunately neither one was willing to admit it first.

Tony checked his watch with a grimace as he headed into the restaurant. He was late but he had gotten tied up at school. While studying Loki had fallen asleep stretched across the bed and Tony had been hesitant to wake him. He waited until the last possible moment and the dark haired teen had been so embarrassed that he’d nearly given himself a panic attack. Tony had tried to assure Loki that everything was alright but the other student was already gone, nearly tripping down the stairs in his haste to get away.

Shaking his head he plastered a smile on his face and went to meet his friends.

“There you are, we’re starving!” complained Rhodey while standing to give Tony a hug.

“You can’t rush perfection.” Tony grinned and kissed Pepper on the cheek. “I’m not that late, am I?”

The redhead gave him an exasperated look. “For once you’re not the last to arrive. We’re still waiting on Thor.”

Tony’s heart suddenly jumped into his throat. Thor was coming? Was he going to bring Loki? If he did how would Pepper and Rhodey act? All they knew was that Tony and Loki had talked and everything was okay between them. Tony didn’t tell them about the second fight or how Loki had stitched up his hand. They had no idea that the young man who had caused Tony so much stress had just been asleep on his bed. 

He schooled his face into an unreadable mask as he perused the menu. It wasn’t long before Thor arrived, sans Loki, and the group fell into an easy discussion. This was their version of Friendsgiving. None of them had enough room to host the meal at their place so they had decided on their favorite restaurant off of campus. It had been a tradition since they were young and they hoped to keep it going for years to come. Since each of their majors was different it was difficult to see each other during the week and often the weekends were filled with studying or activities on campus. One night a month was dedicated to a meal between them. Until recently it had included Natasha and Clint but after Halloween those two had been scarce. Once again Tony held out on his friends, merely explaining that there had been a falling out between the three of them. No one, especially Thor, needed to know that they had taken it upon themselves to avenge Tony. If Loki wanted to tell someone that was fine but it was his tale to tell, not Tony’s.

It felt just like old times as the group stuffed themselves on good food and good company. When the check came Rhodey refused to let Tony foot the bill and they split it evenly between the four of them. The restaurant was not far from campus and they’d all walked, using this opportunity to continue their conversation. They had nearly reached campus when a voice made them turn. 

“Tony? There you are. I wanted to catch you before you left.”

All of the blood ran from Tony’s face when he saw Clint walking towards them, Natasha in tow. The redhead looked like she wanted to be anywhere but there and Tony had a feeling that Clint hadn’t given her any choice in the matter. “I don’t have anything to say to you. We’ve already had this conversation. Now just leave me the hell alone.”

The other three looked shocked. Natasha and Clint had been their friends since grade school and   
while they’d had their fair share of fights they’d never heard Tony speak like that to them.

“Tony, come on. You can’t still be mad. I said I was sorry!” exclaimed Clint.

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”

“I tried to talk to him but every time I get close to him he runs off. He won’t answer his door if I knock, he’s blocked me online. What am I supposed to do? Write an apology letter and slide it under his door?”

“Who are talking about?” asked Pepper and Tony winced, he had forgotten that the others were there. 

He licked his lips and took a breath. “Loki.”

Thor stepped forward, his eyes narrowed. “Why would you need to apologize to my brother? What have you done?”

Neither Natasha nor Clint said anything and Tony shook his head. “Come on, don’t you want to share with the class?”

“Tony…” Natasha warned, her eyes narrowing but now Tony was pissed.

“Don’t you want to tell Thor how you lifted Loki off of the floor by his neck so Natasha could attempt to bash his skull in?”

“What?” roared the blonde. “How dare you lay hands on my brother!”

“We were doing it for you!” countered Natasha. “We were the ones who had to listen as you bitched and moaned about Loki. How you were afraid that he’d tell Howard and get you kicked out, how he was out to get you. Have you forgotten the massive panic attack you had on Halloween after you discovered that the ‘really sexy mage’ that you nearly slept with was him? I though we were going to have to take you to the hospital! Have you forgotten all about that or are you too busy fucking him to remember? Don’t try to deny it, every time we stop by we can hear his voice coming from your dorm.”

Tony leaned back as if he was struck then shook his head to clear it. “First of all, I am not sleeping with Loki. We study together, that’s it. I know that’s the oldest line in the book but it’s the truth. I’m too afraid of Thor knocking my teeth in to lie about something like that.” Tony caught Thor’s eye and even though the older student looked as though he was ready to hurl a car at someone he gave Tony a slight nod in solidarity. “As you know I have a fantastic memory and no where can I find the memory of me asking you to beat the shit out of Loki just because he upset me. Yes, things have been bad between me and Loki this year and I’m sorry that you’ve had to listen to be unload over the past few months but I would never, I repeat, never ask someone to hurt someone else just because they hurt me.”

“So if you and Loki are so chummy where did that shiner you were sporting a few weeks ago come from?”

Tony winced. Why were his friends so damn observant? “If you must know, not that it’s any of your fucking business, but when Loki and I sat down to talk it got a little physical. We both threw insults at each other until we snapped but then we got over it. We talked like adults and decided to start over. We’re not best friends by any stretch of the imagination but we’re trying.” He ran a hand through his hair and tried to slow his breathing. God, he needed a drink. “You two went too far and I cannot forgive that. I don’t blame Loki for running every time he sees you, I would too. You should have seen the bruises on his neck. If you want to apologize then talk to him but don’t be surprised if he slams the door in your face.”

“Tony come on, we’ve been friends forever. Don’t throw that away for something like this. It’s not worth it,” said Clint.

“Loki is worth it. He’s worth more than the two of you combined and then some. I’m just sorry it took so long before I could see that.” He took a step back and finally stopped to look at his three friends. Thor was literally trembling in rage and Tony only hoped he didn’t break too many bones. Rhodey’s face was stony and while Pepper looked calm it was easy to see the fire blazing in her eyes. “Try not to mangle them too much, guys, and call me if you need any help hiding the bodies. I’ll be at Loki’s.”

Tony turned to walk off without another glance but as he departed he heard Thor’s deep rumble mixed with Pepper’s cold voice and didn’t envy those two in the least. 

As much as he wanted a drink Tony knew that he owed it to go and see Loki. He had a feeling that Thor would be blowing up his brother’s phone as soon as he finished with Natasha and Clint. It took Loki a long time to answer the door and Tony figured that he was asleep but once the door finally opened the bed was still made. Loki’s face was flushed and he barred Tony from entry. “Yes?”

“Your brother knows.”

“Knows what?”

“He knows about us.”

Loki paled. “How much?”

“Everything.”

Loki’s body went slack and Tony used that as an opportunity to push into the painfully neat room. It looked like Loki had been on another one of his cleaning streaks again. “How? How does he know all of this?”

“Because I told him?” said Tony with a cringe. “It’s not like I just came out and told him everything. We were walking back from dinner when we ran in to Clint and Natasha and things were said and it just came out. I’m sorry.”

Loki very carefully sat on the edge of his bed and let his head drop forward. “How did he take it.?

“He was pissed but more at them than at me.”

“Now where is he?”

“Probably digging a shallow grave.” Loki’s head whipped up, eyes wide. “I left them in the care of Thor, Rhodey and Pepper. If they’re lucky they only got a lecture, if they’re not lucky…well…let’s just say I would avoid eating the meatloaf in the cafeteria.”

Loki let out a chuckle at that. “My brother is not that clever.”

“But Rhodey is and Pepper is that fierce.”

“To have such loyalty from your friends, it must be nice.” Loki’s voice was wistful and he allowed the fall of his hair to obscure his face.

Tony sat down next to him and gently laid a hand on his knee. “Yeah, it is.” He glanced around the room and tried to decipher what Loki was doing before he barged in. “Any big plans for the night?”

Loki shook his head. “I had just finished cleaning when you knocked. I was actually going to get ready for bed.”

That was a cue if Tony had ever heard one. “Oh, don’t let me keep you.” Before he could stand his eyes widened in alarm. “Umm Loki? You’re bleeding.”

Looking down a neat line of blood was seeping through the material of his grey sweats. Loki jumped to his feet and grabbed another pair of sweats before dashing into the bathroom. He emerged a few minutes later and tossed the bloody pair into the laundry basket. “I had a little accident earlier, the bandage must have come loose.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Tony nodded and slowly made his way to the door. “Well, have a good night.”

“Wait.” Loki nervously picked at his bedspread. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Here?” Tony couldn’t help but smile when Loki nodded.

“Sure.”

It took a little arranging to squeeze the two of them into a twin bed with as little skin touching as possible but eventually it was done. Loki handed over the remote claiming that as the guest Tony was allowed to choose and the shorter student fought to hide his smile as he flipped through the Netflix menu. Maybe, just maybe, they could learn to be friends after all.

His face fell as he flipped through Loki’s favorites. Then again maybe they were just too different to meld. “You’re really in to magic aren’t you?” There were half a dozen magic shows and documentaries with twice as many behind the scenes shows. 

Loki shifted uncomfortably in front of him. “I’ve always been interested in illusions and sleight of hand. I thought it was fascinating that something as simple as a coin or a glass of water could be used to bend the minds of hundreds of people who were watching. When I was younger I wished that magic was real and that I could use it to make people like me. Now I want to know how they did it, how they can make it seem real even if it’s not. I know it’s stupid. Just pick what you want.”

Even in the dim light Tony could see how Loki had buried his face in the pillow and he could feel how much the other student was fighting to control his shaking. Picking a documentary about the science of magic Tony sat back and waited for Loki to emerge. It didn’t take long. Upon hearing the familiar film Loki turned with a frown. 

“We don’t have to watch this. You can choose something different.”

Tony shot him an easy grin. “It’s about science and magic. Sounds like the perfect pairing for the two of us. Now hush, I want to see how he made that jet disappear.”

Loki laid back down while rolling his eyes. Tony Stark made his head hurt but, in turn, his heart ached a little less each time the other bothered spending time with him. Maybe it was all an act, maybe he was just one of Tony’s experiments but at least he wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is really fighting me. Again, I'm not thrilled with this chapter. I played around with ideas for while when finally churned this out in about an hour. I hope you like it.
> 
> As always, comments make the world go 'round and quiet the voice that is urging me to abandon this story.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? An update? It's a miracle!
> 
> I'm not exactly thrilled with this chapter and I'm sorry if it seemed rushed but it's the best that I could do. I've been fighting with this one but hopefully the next few will flow better. For those of you that have stuck around, thank you. I appreciate it more than you can imagine.
> 
> Oh, there is a reference to a suicide attempt so please proceed with caution.
> 
> You know the drill, comments and kudos keep Onyx stable.

When Loki woke up the next morning he was warm, almost too warm. He kept the temperature in his room a few degrees above arctic but the steady heat at his back was nice. In his drowsy state he leaned into the warmth and his eyes snapped open when he felt a heavy arm around his waist pull him closer. 

Quickly he tried to remember the events of the previous night. He didn’t have a headache so he hadn’t been drinking and as far as he could tell he was fully dressed with the exception of his shoes. It took a moment but once reality hit he prayed that the bed would open up and swallow him whole.

He knew that the arm belonged to Tony and that they had been watching a movie before bed. They both must have fallen asleep and neither one had woken during the night. Loki was attempting to figure out how to escape when he felt Tony shift behind him and go suddenly rigid.

“On a scale of one to your mother catching you masturbating, how embarrassing is this?”

Loki couldn’t help but laugh. “Come on, Stark. You’re telling me that this is the first time that you’ve woken up next to someone?”

Tony snorted. “No, but usually we aren’t clothed and I’m so hungover that I can’t remember their name.”

With a laugh Loki sat up and began attempting to smooth his hair down. “There’s a first time for everything.”

Tony shook his head and started to pull on his shoes. “Sorry for falling asleep on you like that. I didn’t even realize I was tired.”

“It’s okay, you needed the rest.”

The two stood with the bed between them and Tony fidgeted nervously. “Are you hungry?”

Loki shrugged. “I could eat.”

“Why don’t we go to breakfast? My treat. It’s the least I can do after barging in here and taking over your room last night.”

“Can we go to that place with the massive cinnamon rolls?”

Tony laughed. “How do you eat that crap and still stay so skinny?” Loki shrugged and looked away self consciously. “Don’t worry about it. If you want cinnamon rolls then you’ll get cinnamon rolls. Meet you down here in 30?”

“Sounds good, see you then.”

Once the door closed behind Tony Loki headed towards the bathroom. His head was spinning with the sudden changes between them. One moment they’re mortal enemies and the next they’re sharing a bed and going out for meals together. He ran a hand through his long hair, wincing when his fingers got caught in a tangle. Why couldn’t anything in his life be easy?

\------------------------------------------------

The next week was Thanksgiving break and Loki was crammed in the front seat of Thor’s car as they headed home for the long weekend. Loki had wanted to stay on campus but his mother threatened him upon pain of death that he better be home or else. 

Loki shifted, stretching his legs up across the dashboard and wishing that he was anywhere but here. Before he could get too lost in his thoughts Thor’s voice dragged him back to the present.

“What’s going on between you and Tony?”

Loki frowned and turned towards his brother. “What are you talking about?”

“The last time we spoke you were afraid that he was going to get you expelled then I hear that you two are nearly hooking up and he’s saving you from an ass kicking. He said that there was nothing between you two, that you only study together but that’s a lie. I saw you two in bed together. What’s going on, Loki? Tell me the truth.”

It took several moment for Thor’s words to compute. “I’m as confused as you are. We’re just friends.”

“Friends don’t hook up with each other at parties,” growled the blonde while punching the gas to pass a slow moving sedan.

Loki rolled his eyes. “We were drunk. I didn’t know who he was and he didn’t know who I was until the unmasking. Haven’t you ever drunkenly hooked up with someone? Don’t lie, if I had a dollar for every time some girl snuck out of your room or every time I had to help you sneak back in I could easily pay my own tuition. Plus, all we did was kiss.” He tucked an errant strand of hair back and crossed his arms. “I don’t see why it’s such a big deal. It was weeks ago. Why are you bringing this up now?”

Thor let out a slow breath in an attempt to calm himself. “Because you’re still lying to me!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I saw you two. Together. In bed.”

Loki’s brow furrowed. “When?”

“A few days ago. It was after we ran into Natasha and Clint after dinner. You weren’t answering your phone so I let myself into your room and saw you and Tony asleep together.”

The dark haired student rolled his eyes so hard he saw himself think. “You truly are an idiot. When you saw us were we both clothed and on top of the sheets?”

It took Thor a moment to answer. “Yes but…”

“I don’t know about you, _brother_ , but when I have sex with someone most of the time our clothes are off. Of course I shudder to think what your preferences are.” The blonde had fallen silent, his mouth a grim line. “After the altercation with Clint and Natasha Tony came to my room. He was clearly upset not only because of his friends’ actions but because you were now aware of our friendship. We talked for awhile and Tony stayed to watch a movie with me. At some point we both fell asleep and trust me it was more than awkward the next morning when we realized what happened. So there’s the answer to your huge mystery.”

Thor didn’t speak for the next several miles and Loki was more than happy to sit in silence. It wasn’t until they had stopped for gas that Thor spoke again. “I don’t trust him.”

The sudden words made Loki jump. “Trust who?”

“Tony. I don’t trust him with you.”

There was a beat then Loki threw his head back and laughed. “You can’t be serious. You’ve known Tony since we were children. What do you think it going to happen if he is my friend?”

“Tony’s selfish and manipulative and likes to have his own way and...”

“Let me stop you right there. You know you could be describing me, right? I’m pretty sure when we were in high school there were people who thought my name was ‘manipulative bastard’ or ‘devious little shit’ for how often I was called by those titles.” Loki adjusted his position in his seat so he could get a better look at Thor. “On top of all of that it’s not like we’re actually dating or anything. And if we were it wouldn’t be any of your business.”

“I’m always interested in who you date.”

Once again the green eyes rolled in their sockets. “Bullshit. The only time you took an interest in my life was when I was dating Fandral and that’s because you were afraid for him, not for me. Luckily it turned out that it really was just a phase for him and you could go back to your wild parties without worrying about one of your friends drunkenly hitting on you.”

“Loki, you’re my little brother. I worry about you.”

“Save it, Thor,” spat Loki, his eyes hard. “The only time you ever worried about me was if it concerned you in some way. It’s time for you to get over that. Tony is my friend. If I want to spend time with him I will, if I want to spend every night in falling asleep to movies with him then that’s what I’ll do, if I want to hold him down and fuck him into the mattress there’s not going to be anything you can do about it. It’s my life and it’s time that you learned how to stay out of it.”

Loki yanked his headphones out of his bag and shoved them in with a force that made him wince. He knew Thor was trying to talk to him but he curled as far away from the blonde as possible and cranked his music until his teeth rattled.

Several hours later Thor was pulling up in front of a sprawling house and Loki was out of the car before it stopped moving. He wanted to escape to his room but he was stopped by a lovely woman opening the door. “Hello mother.”

He was pulled into a warm hug and Loki could feel some of the tension leaving his limbs. Frigga pulled back and held him at arm’s length. “You’re so thin, have you been eating?”

“Yes mother. I’ve just been busy.”

“Of course. How is school?”

Loki was led into the living room and part of him wanted to gloat that mother was spending time with him instead of greeting Thor but the words sounded wrong and hollow. He spent nearly half an hour getting caught up with Frigga before retreating to his room. Odin was no where to be found but Loki was perfectly fine with that, the less he had to deal with his adoptive father the better.

The Odinson household was tense over the next few days even though Frigga did everything in her power to dispel the tension. Loki spent as much time with her as possible, he didn’t realize how much he had missed her gentle presence until now. Thor, on the other hand, avoided everyone like the plague. He only ventured from his room for meals and nearly threw a tantrum like a child when Frigga insisted that he eat at the table with the rest of the family.

Loki tried to mend the rift between them but Thor wasn’t having it. The blonde was known to be stubborn but he was taking things too far. Everything finally came to a head the day before Thanksgiving. Loki was helping Frigga make cookies because no matter how many they made there were never enough. Odin was notorious for having cookies in lieu of his meals and Thor was always stealing bites of the raw dough. In order to combat this Frigga and Loki joined forces, making enough to feed an army. In addition Frigga always set aside a bowl of dough especially for Thor. She had found an eggless recipe that was almost better than the original and somehow the blonde would devour the entire bowl and show up a few hours later ready for dinner.

When Frigga asked Loki to take the bowl to his brother the youngest son was wary but did as he was told. He knocked on Thor’s door and when he did not receive an answer he left the bowl and began to head downstairs. Suddenly there was an explosion next to his head and he was covered in sticky dough while being pelted with shards of shattered crockery. Loki turned slowly, his mouth agape to see Thor standing in the doorway of his room. His face was a mix of anger and shock at his actions but before he could utter a word Frigga appeared, flushed from her rush up the stairs at the sound. 

It only took her a moment to assess the situation and her face darkened as she turned to her oldest son. “My room. Now.” Thor knew better than to argue. Frigga turned to Loki and gently took his face in her hand. “Are you hurt?”

“No.”

“Can you finish up the cookies for me? I need to speak privately with your brother. Don’t worry about the mess, Thor will clean it up later.”

As a child Loki had loved nothing more than seeing Thor get into trouble but now he was actually worried for his brother. They had fought all of their lives but this was the first time he’d actually been afraid of Thor. Aside from some roughhousing the elder had never lifted a hand against him. Until today. “Sure. Call me if you need anything.”

The woman’s face softened slightly. “Thank you but I’ve been handling Thor much longer than you have.”

With a look of determination Frigga left Loki to pick the cookie dough out of his hair while she tried to figure out what had caused Thor to turn so sharply on his brother. Upon opening the door she saw Thor perched in one of the chairs by the large window. There had been many a discussion here in his childhood and for a moment she saw the gangly child once more, his feet too big for his frame, sitting in petulant silence after breaking another household rule. 

Blinking her eyes that image faded and in front of her was the man Thor had become. She knew that this behavior could not continue and it was up to her to insure that it stopped now. 

Frigga sank into the chair and sat back. Thor knew he was expected to speak first but it seemed like he was feeling brave and wanted to challenge Frigga’s authority. Thor thought he was being smart but he had no idea who he was dealing with.

“Any particular reason why you wanted to bash your brother’s skull in?”

Thor flinched but refused to look at his mother. “It wouldn’t have hurt him.”

“You’re a terrible liar. I don’t know how many times I’ve asked you to put that bowl away on a high shelf so you know how heavy it is. Plus it was full of that dense dough. To top it off you’re strong and you threw that bowl hard enough to put a deep gouge into the drywall, which you will be fixing with money from your own pocket by the way. So let’s start again, why did you want to hurt Loki?”

The young man stubbornly crossed his arms and stared down at the floor. He could feel Frigga’s gaze on him but it was easier if he couldn’t see it. Frigga leaned forward, the few streaks of silver in her golden hair catching in the afternoon light. “Thor, listen to me. Yes, I am angry but I am also afraid. I have never seen you like this. What happened between you and Loki that could have caused this? I don’t care if you two aren’t speaking, there’s rarely a holiday in this home when you two don’t fight, but I’ve never seen this side of you and to be honest I’m frightened. Please just let me know that you’re okay.”

Thor’s shoulders visibly slumped as the tension drained from them. “I…I don’t know where to start.” 

Frigga smiled slightly. “The beginning is usually the best place.”  
A deep breath raised the broad shoulders and with a sigh Thor began. He spoke of his jealousy of Loki being able to pay his own way though school via scholarships and a part-time job when Thor relied solely on his parents. He explained that he missed the days before the mess with the adoption came to light, we he and Loki were simply brothers. Thor spoke of worrying about Loki, seeing how pale and thin he became in such a short amount of time. He spoke of Loki’s evolving relationship with Tony and the fear that Thor felt when he saw them together. He explained how unstable Tony was and after Loki’s recent troubles he didn’t want Tony to make things worse. When prompted Thor confessed that he was terrified of losing Loki and that his friendship with Tony wasn’t steady enough for his brother. 

Eventually everything came out and if Frigga was surprised by anything she hid it well. Finally there was nothing more to say and Thor sank back into the chair, weary and feeling like the entire planet was resting on his shoulders.

Frigga was silent as she allowed everything to sink in and eventually she straightened in her chair and forced Thor to meet her eyes. “Your dedication to your brother is admirable, I will give you that. Since the day I brought him home you have been fiercely protective of him. However your protective streak has gotten the best of you. Loki is an adult and has to make his own decisions. You can’t always protect him and in trying to control him you’re pushing him further and further away.”

“But…”

“No, no buts. I know what happened last year frightened you. I know seeing my son in so much pain nearly killed me however I still managed to let him go away to go to school. Yes, I call him often and I would love nothing more to have him home with me all of the time but I can’t have that and neither can you. All that you are doing is fracturing something that’s already fragile between you two. If you push too hard you will lose him and trust me, once he’s gone he won’t come back.”

Thor toyed with a frayed hem on his sweatshirt as he absorbed his mother’s wise words. She was right, she was somehow always right, and he knew that he was afraid of losing Loki. Why shouldn’t he be? He was the one who found Loki; his skin pale and clammy, his pulse nearly nonexistent while his limp fingers still cradled the empty pill bottle. Thor had never been so afraid in his life and Odin had been forced to drag him away kicking and screaming as the paramedics tended to his brother. Since that day he had feared for his brother’s life and he was terrified that a relationship, even a platonic one, with someone as volatile as Tony Stark could lead Loki back down a dark path.

“What do I do?” Thor finally asked.

“Talk to him. Sit down and tell him what you just told me. He might act indifferent however his love for you runs deep.”

Thor nodded and finally looked up when Frigga stood. “Now come on. You have some work to do and let’s get going before the hardware store closes.”

The blonde groaned but dutifully followed his mother. He was not looking forward to digging cookie dough out of carpet and replacing and painting drywall.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not thrilled with how this came out. I wrote it at work and all mistakes are mine. I haven't decided where to take the next chapter aka I haven't decided how much I want to torture my readers yet.
> 
> I can't believe people are still reading this, you guys are amazing! Thanks again for all of the support and remember that comments and kudos make Onyx a little less crazy.

As soon as Frigga and Thor returned from their errands Frigga disappeared into Odin’s study while Thor began the task of digging semi-dried cookie dough out of the carpet. After finishing with the cookies, Loki had taken a shower and retreated into his bedroom. He attempted to read but was too agitated, his hands twitched for his razor blade but none of his “supplies” were at home. Instead he cleaned like a madman, determined to banish every speck of dust from the room. 

At one point he heard voices at the stairs and cracked his door open a fraction of an inch to peer down the hall. He saw Odin crouched down by Thor and even though their voices were low neither of them had perfected the art of speaking softly so Loki could more or less hear the entire discussion.

“Your mother is worried,” said Odin while grabbing a rag.

“I’m fine,” growled the blonde.

“Don’t lie to me. What’s going on?”

It took Thor awhile but eventually his story came out. Odin listened without speaking, a luxury that Loki was never given, and was quiet for a long time after Thor had finished. He did not speak until the carpet was clean and they were moving on to the cracks in the drywall. 

“I know that your relationship with Loki has always been difficult. Since the day we brought him home you’ve never been sure whether or not you loved him or hated him. And believe me, sometimes Loki makes it hard to love him but you cannot let your emotions rule you. You must remember your place, you are an Odinson. Someday soon you will be taking your place beside me and before long you will be the head of the company. You cannot allow anything to tarnish that image. I know you’re still young so have your fun but remember to keep yourself in check.” He paused to brush some drywall dust from his lapel. “As for Loki, legally he is your brother and you must treat him as such. Perhaps, someday, he will want to change his last name back to that of his birth family but until that day comes it is your job to ensure that his actions do not reflect poorly on this family.”

Thor frowned. “Loki is a grown man; he can do as he pleases.” 

Odin gave his son a look and shook his head. “Yes, he is an adult but there is a reason why he was pushed to go to the same university as you.”

“You want me to watch him.”

The older man grinned, a look that was strange on his face. “Precisely. Loki wanted his independence and it was granted but with the stipulation that he had to attend the same school as you. Your mother was pleased because it meant that Loki wouldn’t be left alone but the real reason was so you could keep him in line.”

The smell of fresh paint filled the air and Loki swallowed bile as he listened to the conversation.

“How am I supposed to keep him in line? I never see him and when I do he doesn’t talk to me.”

“Since when have you had any difficulty putting those muscles of yours to work? If Loki doesn’t want to behave then make him. You are his brother and you are my heir, it is your responsibility to make sure that nothing tarnishes the company or family name.”

Thor looked as though he had swallowed something sour but under Odin’s gaze he nodded slightly. “Yes, sir.” He paused and licked his lips. “But what if I can’t? Last year…”

“As far as anyone is concerned last year did not happen. Loki fell ill and was taken to the hospital. That’s all anyone needs to know. Yes, there was a press leak about his adoption but it’s been dealt with and if anyone asks Loki is happy with his place in the family. It was all a big misunderstanding and we’ve moved on.”

Even from his position down the hall Loki could tell that Thor was uncomfortable. He waited for the blonde to speak, to say something more but nothing came. Loki’s heart ached but he wasn’t surprised. Thor rarely stood up for him anymore. When they were children Thor was always first to step in and come to his aid. Many a playground bully ran off crying and bloodied once Thor was finished with him. Once they were older things were different. It wasn’t “cool” for Thor to always be defending his brother and Loki was left to fend for himself. At first it was hard but soon he discovered that his mind and tongue were sharper than any blade he possessed. He built a shell around himself and armed it with painful insults and stinging quips. Soon people knew better than to try and mess with him. Loki made sure than no one was ever able to get close to him, it was lonely but it was always easier to leave than to be left. 

He soundlessly closed the door and let his head fall back against the heavy wood. He shouldn’t be surprised. Odin never took his side. He was more concerned about the family’s image than the actual family. The only time he ever showed any emotion was when the press found out about Loki’s adoption. In all of his years Loki had never seen him so angry. He raged through the house and even Frigga could not placate him. Once the cause of the leak he was calm, almost too calm, and even took the family out to dinner to celebrate. He wanted to show the world that the family was fine and stronger than ever. Odin didn’t care if his youngest had recently tried to kill himself, that his eldest had nearly had a mental breakdown upon finding him, that his wife had not slept in weeks; all he cared about was the fact that they looked and therefore were perceived as perfect.  


Loki sat against the door until his bones ached and even then he refused to move. He relished the pain. He deserved this. It was his fault. He would never be good enough for his family, so why should he bother trying?

The Thanksgiving meal the following day was painfully awkward. Both Frigga and Loki were up with the sun preparing for the afternoon meal. Frigga said nothing when she saw the dark circles below Loki’s eyes but her mouth tightened in anger and her gaze lingered longer than usual as they moved around the kitchen. A few hours later Odin and Thor emerged, lured down the stairs by the smell of bacon and cinnamon rolls. They ate in front of the television while watching the parade, a tradition that had been upheld since Thor was a baby. This year the comments on the floats were few and usually came from Frigga. 

Once the parade ended Frigga and Loki headed back to the kitchen while Thor and Odin disappeared. Typically Loki loved his time with Frigga but his spirits were too low to be lifted even by her. He just wanted to leave. He wanted to go back to the dorm and watch the stress of the day pour out of a fresh wound. He wanted to sit and bitch to Tony while the engineer tinkered with another invention that may or may not work. 

The last thought made him stop short and he nearly dropped the pan he was carrying. He actually missed Tony. The engineering student was incessant; always talking, always moving, never able to stick to one task for too long. If anyone else possessed those traits it would drive Loki mad but those traits were a part of Tony. They were what made the young man so unique and engaging.

Loki knew that Tony had stayed on campus for the holiday. His father didn’t particularly want to see him and Tony wanted to avoid the drama. For a brief moment he wished that he would have invited Tony but he quickly quelled that train of thought. It would have been nice to have someone else to talk to besides his mother but Tony had enough family drama, he didn’t need Loki’s issues as well.

The actual meal was almost painfully awkward. No one spoke. The only sound was cutlery on plates or a word or two made by someone asking for a dish. Frigga attempted to engage Odin by telling him about Loki’s high grades or Thor’s accomplishments on the rugby field but the comments were either met with silence or a non-committal grunt which deepened Frigga’s scowl.

When the plates were cleared Loki watched as Odin disappeared into his study and Thor into the living room to watch football. The rule in the house was whoever cooked had to clean; it had been that way since the boys were tall enough to reach the sink. This was the first year that Thor had not cleared the table and it was also the first time that Frigga had allowed him to get away with it. 

Loki saw the look on his mother’s face and felt a wave of anger rush through him. It was one thing for Thor to treat him like shit, it was another thing to treat his mother as though she was below him. Gently Loki took the plate from her hands and gave her a soft smile. “I’ll take care of the dishes. You’ve been on your feet all day, go rest.”

For a moment it seemed like she was going to argue but after a beat she nodded and headed towards the stairs. Loki ran the dishwater as hot as he dared and scrubbed at the dishes until they shone like mirrors. Even though there was a state of the art dishwasher available he washed and dried everything by hand. He then cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom, even taking the time to wipe down the antique table with the citrus polish that made his hands soft and smell sweet for days. With a sigh he turned off the light and headed upstairs.

The next morning Thor headed downstairs late and after commandeering the remnants of the pumpkin pie and smothering it in whipped cream he sat down and started to tuck in. The house was oddly quiet and he said as much when Odin came in to refill his coffee cup. 

The older man snorted and shook his head. “Your mother is gone, she drove Loki back to school this morning.”

“What? Why?” Odin shrugged. “But it’s a four hour drive one way!”

“I suppose Loki whined loudly enough that he convinced her to do it. That’s how he always got his way as a child.”

Thor mumbled something under his breath and shoved a large piece of pie into his mouth. 

______________________________________________

Loki hugged his mother then shouldered his duffle bag. “Thanks again. Are you sure you don’t want to spend the night?”  
Frigga shook her head. “It’s not even noon. If the weather gets bad I promise I’ll stop somewhere.” She pushed a stray lock of hair behind his ear and smiled. “I’m proud of you, my Loki, remember that.”

The young man ducked his head. “I’m sorry for making such a mess of things at home. I didn’t mean to ruin Thanksgiving.”

“You didn’t ruin anything. This past year things have been difficult but we’ll move past it, we always do.” Loki just shrugged but smiled as Frigga hugged him once more. “Take care of yourself and I’ll call you when I get home.”

“Okay, drive safe.”

Loki waved until she was gone then let himself into the nearly empty building. It was eerie without the continuous bustle and Loki hastily locked his door behind him. All he had wanted to do was get back to campus but now that he was here he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. The anxiety still crawled beneath his skin, itching to get out but his legs were still raw. If he cut too much they would become obvious and that was the last thing he needed. 

He didn’t want to just sit around all day and was considering a run when a thump above him made him grin. Digging through his fridge he pulled out a couple of beers and grabbed a bag of chips before heading upstairs. 

Tony had grease smeared across his cheek and forehead and the room smelled like overheated electronics but it put Loki’s frayed nerves at ease.

Loki held up the beer and chips with a wry grin. “Happy Thanksgiving?”

“What are you doing back?” Tony asked while stepping to the side to allow Loki entrance. 

“I hate my family. Correction, I hate Odin and Thor. I couldn’t take it.”

“Want to talk about it?”

Loki raised an eyebrow. “You actually want to listen to that bullshit?”

“Hey, I’m offering. It doesn’t happen often. Take it or leave it.”

Loki made himself comfortable on a beanbag that was mostly covered in duct tape and cracked open his beer. Tony settled on the floor beside him, his shoulder pressed against Loki’s, a warm presence that gradually lowered his anxiety. With a deep breath and a reassuring pat from Tony Loki began to talk.


	12. Chapter 12

So Loki talked. 

And talked. 

And talked. 

Not once did he move to look at Tony to gauge his expression, he sat with his arms wrapped around his legs until he had a cramp in his back. Even then he did not move, too afraid to break the spell surrounding the two of them. Finally his rant was over and he let his head rest on his knees, suddenly terrified of Tony's reaction. 

Tony, for his part, did his best to sit still as Loki talked. He knew how hard it was to open up to someone and he didn't want to shatter the fragile trust between them. He remembered the first time he went to Rhodey for help, so scared that the other would just get up and walk away while deeming his worries unworthy of his time. The least he could do was sit still and silently show his support. His butt was numb and he had an itch on his back between his shoulderblades but he did his best to ignore it as the other student spoke. More than once he forced himself to bite his tongue in order to stop a sharp comment from slipping through. When Loki finally stopped speaking he glanced over and saw the other student curled up in a ball, attempting to make himself as small as possible.

Tony didn't speak for a long time, so long that Loki wondered if he was going to say something at all. He was wondering if he should just go when the engineer finally spoke up.

"I'd say that I'm sorry but I don't think that would cut it." Loki snorted in reply. "That sucks. Trust me, I know what it's like to go to a place where you are not wanted but I didn't realize how bad it was. No wonder our dads get along so well." At that Loki chuckled and shifted his head to glance at Tony who was methodically picking the label off of his beer bottle. "I just...I can't imagine that Thor would act like that."

Tony's words made Loki's stomach drop. How could he have been so stupid? Thor was Tony's friend and Loki just painted a vividly ugly picture of the blonde. He swallowed hard and pulled his knees closer to his chest. "I shouldn't have said anything." He unfolded himself and wobbled slightly when he discovered that his foot was asleep. "I should go, sorry to waste your time, Tony."

A hand shot out and grabbed his wrist before he made the first step. "Don't go." Green eyes met brown and Loki was surprised at the intensity he found there. "Please."

Warily Loki sat back down, flexing his foot to retrieve the circulation. "I meant it. I shouldn't have said anything to you."

"I'm glad you did."

"What? Why?"

Tony scratched at his back then let his weight fall back onto his palms. "Yes, Thor is my friend but so are you. I only know Thor in a certain context and sometimes it's good to get another perspective on someone."

"It's different between us, we're brothers...well...legally anyway. It's normal for us to fight."

The brunette forced Loki to meet his eyes. "Loki, you just told me that he threw a bowl at your head and nearly put a hole in the wall. That's not normal."

Green eyes fell away in embarrassment. "He was angry."

"So? He could have seriously hurt you, maybe even killed you. That's not normal."

Loki muttered something under his breath and Tony leaned closer in an attempt to hear him. "What?" 

"I said it's normal in my family."

At that moment Tony felt his heart, as shrunken and hardened as it was, break. He gently placed his hand on Loki's shoulder, feeling the tense muscles beneath the material. "Loki, that is not normal. Having a fight with your brother, yeah that's normal. But when your brother physically harms you just because he doesn't get his way? That's not normal. When your father, adopted or not, uses your brother to keep you in line by any means necessary? That is far from normal. And no one deserves that. Do you understand? No one."

Loki swallowed hard against the lump forming in his throat. He hated how emotional he was and was mortified that he was going to cry in front of Tony. Having already dumped all of his problems on the genius he decided to go for broke.

"What did I do wrong? Why do they hate me so much?" His voice cracked at the end and he turned away, squeezing his eyes tightly together in order to keep the tears that were threating to break through at bay.

Tony sighed and rubbed his hand across his lips. He'd asked himself that question hundreds of times growing up. He always tried to do and be his best but it was never enough, no matter what his father would always see him as a failure. "I don't know. I've been searching for an answer to that question my entire life." He stretched out on his back, his head resting on Loki's thigh. He felt the muscles tense below him but for Loki's credit he did not shove Tony away. "This is how I see it. Your dad, err...Odin has the picture in his mind of the perfect life. A beautiful wife, a successful company, and obedient children that he can mold into the perfect successors to his empire. But suddenly he realized that one of those children does not fit the mold. He is creative and artistic, preferring books and music to numbers and spreadsheets. His style is unique and his look is far from the corporate ideal Odin had imagined. Instead of allowing that child's creativity to thrive he tries to smother it, to gouge it out using any means necessary but his tactics backfire. The child pushes back with force, rebelling even further and isolating himself from the family. It's a constant tug of war that Odin is hell bent to win but what he doesn't understand, what people never understand it how much it harms the child to have their very identity attacked. How can they feel like they'll ever belong when nothing they ever do is right? Their grades are never high enough, their achievements are never special enough...no matter what they do or how hard they try it is never enough. But what you have to remember, Loki, is that all of this is on Odin. He can't force you to be something that you aren't. You can try but eventually the façade will crumble. It's better to be yourself and to walk alone than to force yourself into a life that you despise just to make someone else happy."

Tony leaned his head back in an attempt to see Loki's face but all he saw was the outline of a chin and a narrow throat that seemed to be attempting to swallow and failing. After what seemed like an eternity Loki found his voice. "How...how do you know those things? How do you know about me? Or about Odin? Did Thor tell you?"

The brunette shook his head, his hair sticking up from the static of Loki's jeans. "Because that's what my dad did and still does to me. It took me a long time to break free of his control and even now I'm not truly free. One word from the old man and I'll be right back at that house where I grew up, up to my elbows in grease from the workshop and waiting like a starved dog for the slightest bit of affection."

Loki let out a breathless chuckle and Tony felt it against his head. "You're right, now it makes sense that our father's get along so well." He took a minute to pick at a broken cuticle, watching as a tiny pinprick of blood came to the surface. "How did you get away from that?"

Tony rolled his shoulders. "I never did, not really. But I got lucky. I have some great friends like Pepper and Rhodey that showed me that I could be so much more than Howard's son."

"I envy you. I've never had many friends. The few that I managed to make never stayed."

With a groan Tony pushed himself up and turned to face Loki. "I'm your friend, right?"

Loki searched the dark eyes for any type of uncertainty, wondering if this was some type of trick or perhaps a test. "Yes."

The engineer beamed, his smile seeming to chase away the dark cloud that had been forming. "Excellent. You happen to be in luck because you'll never get rid of me. Once someone is Tony's Stark's friend it's impossible to get rid of me. I'm like glitter."

Something akin to a giggle slipped past Loki's lips. "Glitter?"

"Yep. Just when you think you've gotten rid of me bam, you turn around and I'm back!"

"Sounds like some kind of venereal disease."

"Hey!" Tony lightly smacked Loki with a throw pillow then stood, extending a hand to help the other student to his feet. "It's still early and I refuse to study. What do you usually do the day after Thanksgiving?"

"Eat leftovers and watch The Wizard of Oz and The Grinch, the old animated one." 

"I happen to own both of those movies but unless you want leftover pizza we're going to have to order out."

It was Loki's turn to grin. "Hold that thought." He disappeared and returned a few minutes later with several large Tupperware containers. "Mother sent home more than I could ever hoped to eat, I'm happy to share." Tony was quiet as he watched Loki arrange the containers. "Tony? What's wrong?"

The shorter student suddenly came to attention. "Sorry it's just...it's been a really long time since I've had a home-cooked Thanksgiving dinner."

Loki's expression softened as he leaned one hip against the table. "Was your mother a good cook?"

Tony turned, his eyes staring at the wall as he fought to conjure up the memory. "Not particularly but that was because she never had to cook. She and Howard had a personal chef for years before I came along. But Thanksgiving was special. No matter how much Howard ranted and raved she would always give the chef the day off a cook a huge spread. It wasn't the best; I learned at an early age that gravy, no matter how lumpy, was perfect to disguise the flavor of a helplessly under-seasoned turkey."

"Did you help in the kitchen?"

A slight smile crossed the engineer's lips. "No, I had too much energy for that. I was always banished to the kitchen table where I could see my mother but couldn't get in the way. I was just happy to have the attention and spent most of the day making 'decorations', these horrible turkey and pilgrim drawings that mom used to put up all over the kitchen. Howard said they were tacky but mother never allowed him to take them down until the day after Thanksgiving. When the food was ready we would all get dressed up and eat together. Howard wasn't allowed to drink or discuss business so often the meals were quiet but I didn't care, it meant the world to me to have that time together with them." Some of the light left Tony's eyes as his memories turned darker. "After she died it was never the same. Howard would lock himself in his workshop and I had to fend for myself. Pizza and Chinese food became the norm from then on."

Loki lightly bumped his shoulder against Tony's, brining him back to the present. "You know I almost called you and invited you to my house for Thanksgiving."

Tony's eyebrows shot up towards his hairline. "Really? Why?"

"It would have been nice to have someone to talk to besides mother." Loki shook his head dispelling the notion. "It probably would have made things even worse now that I think about it."

"Well now we have the chance for Thanksgiving 2.0. Do you want to heat up a couple of plates while I get the movie started?" Loki nodded and began dishing out leftovers. 

It was too awkward to sit on the bed and balance plates so they both sat on the floor, leaning against the bed as Judy Garland wished to see a land over the rainbow. "I don't care how awkward it is, I'm inviting myself to your family gatherings just to eat your mother's food." 

Loki laughed and set his empty plate to the side. "I'm sure she'd love to have you. Did I mention that there was dessert?" Tony's eyes widened and Loki couldn't help but grin.

By the time the four companions were off to see the wizard the two students were full and drowsy. "When Thor and I were little we would always build a fort in the living room and eat pie while watching these movies. Odin always thought it was a waste of time and never stuck around long enough for us to enjoy it but mother always helped and sometimes crawled in there with us. She would tell us stories of holidays at her childhood home, they seemed so picturesque that I wondered if they were even real or if she was just making it up to make her childhood seemed more charmed than ours. More often than not we'd fall asleep in there. Our backs always ached the next day but it was worth it."

Tony glanced around his room and clambered to his feet. "Let's do it."

"Do what?"

"Make a fort."

A dark eyebrow rose. "What? Here?"

"No, on the roof. Of course here."

"Why?"

"Why not?" Tony steadily met Loki's gaze and the green-eyed student could see the emotion there. Tony had never had a real childhood, never had siblings or cousins to play with. This was his chance to experience that and who was Loki to tell him no?

"Alright, let me go get some pillows from my room."

For a couple of students with the highest GPAs on campus it took a surprisingly long time for the fort to come to life. More than once they would both reach for the same spot and laugh as the suddenly unsupported area crumbled. Finally it was done and they both crawled inside, laughing like children.

"This is awesome," said Tony, an awed expression on his face. 

"Much better than the ones Thor and I used to make."

"Of course it is, I helped."

Loki scoffed. "I did the hard part."

"Hey, it's not my fault that you're part beanstalk!"

"Whatever, munchkin. Now where's your laptop? I want to watch The Grinch."

Tony scowled, planning his revenge for the munchkin quip. He queued up the movie and stretched out next to Loki as the opening music blared from the small speakers. It was a tight fit and they were practically sharing a pillow in order to see the screen but neither one seemed to mind. The movie turned into another which turned into a Jim Carey marathon. Somewhere after midnight the two finally fell asleep, stomachs full and minds focused on something other than painful family memories. And if sometime during the night Tony decided to use Loki as a pillow, shifting their legs together until they were a tangled mass of limbs...well...neither one seemed to mind that either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is NOT where the chapter was going to go at all but these two have a mind of their own. You guys know the drill, comments are cherished and kudos appreciated.
> 
> The next section should be up soonish, maybe I'll have some time during the holiday.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, seriously, these two need to be put on a leash. This is NOT at all what I had planned but these two just ran off and I couldn't catch them. 
> 
> I know it's a long chapter but it's an important one. If you have a moment PLEASE take time to comment, I thought I knew where this story was going but now I have no idea. 
> 
> As always thank you guys so much for the support on this story, I never thought it would see the light of day and here we are on chapter 13!

The next few weeks were hard on both Tony and Loki.

Tony hated the holidays. Even as a child he was never given the “classic” Christmas that most people his age grew up with. Christmas meant decorations chosen in order for their dining room to be featured in some magazine, not one of charm and comfort. Tony was never allowed anywhere near the tree and if he so much as touched one of the professionally-decorated packages beneath it then his share would disappear without a trace. Sometimes Jarvis, the family’s butler, would retrieve them and smuggle them to Tony but usually the gifts were gone.

Howard giveth, Howard taketh away.

There were a few fuzzy memories of attending mass on Christmas Eve with his mother but those memories were so faint and distance Tony often wondered if they were just dreams, imaginings of a child that wanted nothing more than to have a picturesque holiday with a family who loved him. 

Howard usually spent the holidays in his workshop, only appearing long enough to escort Maria to some social function or another. It was party season and it would be one hell of a scandal if the Starks did not show at the season’s most-talked about functions. Tony was never invited and spent his evenings hiding from the various babysitters in his room. If, in the off chance one of the parties was held at home, Tony was scrubbed within an inch of his life and paraded around the room like a prized pet before being banished to his room once more. Usually Jarvis would bring him a plate from the impressive spread and despite his anger Tony would greedily attack the treats, enjoying snacks that were usually never allowed in the household.

After Maria died Howard all but disappeared into his workshop, only coming out for one social event or another. Jarvis was Tony’s only companion but the man was getting on in age and, like his father, Tony discovered solace at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. Holidays were spent with takeaway and old movies, hiding from the world until it was safe to come out again. 

As Tony grew older he received offers from Rhodey and Pepper to spend the holidays with them but he always declined the invitations, he didn’t need to bring down the festive atmosphere of their homes. This year was turning out to be more of the same. After receiving his final scores, all A’s of course, he paid an upperclassman to purchase him what he hoped was enough alcohol to get him through Christmas. It might not last through the New Year but he would cross that bridge when he came to it.

~*~

Loki had mixed emotions when it came to the holiday season. Holidays at the Odinson household were small but he had many fond memories of them. From a very small age he had loved to cook and bake and was always underfoot in the kitchen until one year Frigga had enough and put him to work peeling potatoes. After that he was her official assistant, more than happy to help out with the big meal and festive treats that filled the cookie jars with recipes which were handed down from her mother. Loki wasn’t very artistic but he had a knack at decorating and Frigga always praised him at the beauty of his iced cookies and tiered cakes. Odin deemed the skill so far below him that he did not even bother to comment on it but he had no problem filling a plate with treats before disappearing into his study.

On Christmas Eve both Loki and Thor were allowed to open one gift. It was always pajamas, often matching, and even though both boys were old enough to be called men they still changed and sat through Frigga’s barrage of photos. Afterwards they would bundle up and pile into the car to go and see Christmas lights around the neighborhood. It was always an honor to drive, passing from Frigga to Thor to Loki until the brothers had to flip a coin to decide whose turn it was. They would stay out until the roads were mostly empty then headed home to have cookies along with Frigga’s hot chocolate. It was a tradition so sweet it was almost sickening but Loki couldn’t remember a Christmas without it. 

As they grew the cookies and letter left out for Santa disappeared but their time sitting in front of the tree while Frigga’s old vinyl records played in the background was a memory that Loki would cherish until he was old and grey. Odin would be pulled out of his study, sometimes by force, in order to join them and for a moment they were a family. They may have been broken and battered but for a few moments everything was as close to normal as they could get.

Unfortunately all good things must come to an end and this year seemed like the year of change. After the disaster that was Thanksgiving Loki begged and pleaded to stay at school for the holidays but once Frigga told him, through tears so big he could practically hear them slide down her cheeks, that it wouldn’t be Christmas without him Loki agreed to come home.

It was expensive but Loki rented a car in order to make the trip, refusing to ride with Thor. The blonde had been furious upon his return to school after Thanksgiving. Frigga had been appalled at his behavior and reminded him that she was not his maid. There must have been a short circuit under that mane of hair because Thor actually talked back. It was a rookie mistake that cost him dearly. Frigga cut him off, taking away his credit card and stopping the automatic deposits into his bank account. Odin had attempted to interject but one glare from his wife sent him scurrying back into his study. Thor had been floored and stunned, what was he going to do about money? Frigga told him to do as Loki did, get a job in order to support himself. That wasn’t the answer that Thor had wanted to hear and he had stormed off, spending his last day at home locked away in his room.

Once he arrived back on campus he blamed the whole thing on Loki, claiming that he had convinced Frigga to cut him off. Loki knew that no one could convince Frigga to do _anything_ that she didn’t want to do but Thor wouldn’t have it. He tried to ask Loki for money but the younger student just laughed. He had a full-ride scholarship but not everything was covered and he was forced to save every penny from his work-study positions just to get by. Thor threw a handful of insults in his face before storming off, slamming the door so hard that several students peered into the hall to see what all of the commotion was about.

That was the last time Loki had spoken to Thor and he didn’t want to make the tension between them worse by sharing a four hour car ride.

The roads were a little slick but clear and somehow Loki arrived before Thor. That should have been his first warning that this particular holiday was going to be rough. When the blonde arrived he was in a dark mood, refusing to speak to anyone and heading directly to his room.

Loki attempted to make the best of his time at home but it was hard. He didn’t want to be there. The past few weeks had been exhausting between his own studies and helping out the professors he worked for he barely had time to eat or sleep. His time spent with Tony was all but gone and he missed the obnoxious engineer. He knew Tony was hurting too, he could often smell the whiskey on his breath and the bags under his eyes rivaled his own. Loki wanted to go to him, to offer some small bit of comfort but there was never enough time in the day. He felt terrible and the stress caused him to attack the skin of his thighs with vigor. The skin was so raw that the cuts opened under the slightest touch. He had been forced to bandage his legs in order to keep the wounds from reopening beneath his jeans. All he needed was a lecture from his mother which would probably end with a trip to the mental health clinic. 

Neither Thor nor Odin appeared very often in the days leading up to Christmas. Loki and Frigga made tray after tray of treats which kept disappearing, usually at night or when the two had retired to another room. Loki could tell that Frigga was hurting and did his best to stay at her side, telling her stories from his year at school and encouraging her to share tales of holidays gone by. He wanted to grab both Odin and Thor by their shoulders and shake them, show them how much they were harming the woman that they claimed to love but he knew it wouldn’t do him any good. Odin never listened to him and Thor had shut him out as well, not even bothering to look at Loki when their paths crossed.

Christmas Eve came and went and again it was just Loki and Frigga. The raven haired student laughed at the pajamas he was gifted and went to change, knocking on Thor’s door and leaving his gift outside of the locked door. He posed for as many pictures as Frigga wanted and noticed that there were fewer this year. He escorted his mother to the car with the air of a prince, finally making her laugh with his courtly bow when he opened her door.

They drove around in comfortable silence, festive music playing faintly on the radio as they paused to take in the colorful decorations. Loki drove around for twice as long, not wanting to go back to the house that felt empty despite the residents. 

As usual the night was spent in front of the tree but again it was just Loki and Frigga. Thor could not be raised and neither bothered to knock on the study door. The young man was surprised when Frigga poured a healthy shot of Irish cream into their hot chocolate, she rarely drank, but he said nothing. Instead he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, noticing for the first time how small and frail she seemed.

Presents were opened the next morning in relative silence, only a few murmured words of gratitude were heard above the sound of crumpling paper. For the first time in Loki’s memory lunch was served buffet style and even though Frigga insisted that Loki could eat in front of the television he stubbornly sat at her side, his chest aching when he saw the slight tremble in her hands. He did the dishes while she rested and they spent the evening watching old black and white movies with a bottle of extremely expensive wine.

Two days later Loki came home. He had attempted to stay, not wanting to leave Frigga in a home where she was so unhappy but she insisted. She knew that he wasn’t happy there either and at least he would have people to talk to and spend time with at school. “You don’t deserve it here,” he had whispered as the hugged on the front porch, his warming car sending a plume of steam into the air. “You deserve to be happy.”

“I know. So do you, my Loki.”

She looked so tired, so worn that his very bones ached. “You could come with me. We could go into the city and see what after-Christmas sales they’re having.”

For a moment it seemed as though Frigga might say yes but at the last moment she shook her head. “I have plenty to do around here.” She grasped Loki’s hands so tightly that it almost hurt. “There are going to be some changes in the future, Loki. I need you to be strong and to remember that I love you.”

Loki frowned and opened his mouth to ask what was going on but a shake of Frigga’s head stopped him. “I know you have questions and the answers will come in time, I promise.” She hugged him tightly, acting as though she didn’t want to let him go. “Be safe, my Loki. I love you.”

“I love you too. Please take care of yourself. I know I’m just a child to you but please remember you’re not alone. I can be here in a heartbeat if you need me.”

Frigga didn’t reply, she simply nodded and squeezed Loki once more before ushering him towards his car. After loading in his bag and a mountain of leftovers, Loki glanced back once more before heading down the road.

It took hours to get home. Deep snow had fallen and had frozen hard, making the road like uneven glass. It amped Loki’s anxiety up to nearly crippling levels and he nearly stopped more than once but he was determined to get back to campus. The rental car was expensive enough and he knew a hotel was out of the question. He drove slowly, cringing whenever an impatient driver blasted past him. More than once he grinned in dark satisfaction when he saw that same car stuck in the ditch a few miles up the road. 

By the time he reached campus the sun was getting low and he swore when he realized that he would have to rush in order to get the car back to the rental agency in order to keep from paying an extra day. His bags felt like concrete as he trudged up the stairs, back and shoulders aching from fighting to keep the car on the road all day. He paused long enough to shove the leftovers in the fridge before hurrying out to the car. The temperature was dropping but he knew he could make it to the rental agency before dark.

He made it with minutes to spare and was forced to deal with the exasperated clerk as he performed the slowest inspection Loki had ever experienced. Finally the receipt was in his pocket and Loki stepped outside into the frigid air. His shoulders dropped when he realized that he was going to have to walk back to campus. Usually he would call Thor to pick him up but even if Thor was speaking to him he was hours away. A cab was another option but his money was getting low and would stay that way until the next semester began. Loki was almost positive that Frigga had slipped some cash into his backpack but that would do him no good right now.

Loki paused as he glanced down at his phone. He could call Tony. Tony’s car, albeit a little ice-crusted, had been in the parking lot but as soon as the idea came to him he threw it away. Tony had been having a rough few weeks and didn’t need to spend his evening coming to rescue Loki. 

Campus was only a few miles away and even though it was cold Loki knew he would warm up with the walk. He pulled up his hood and shoved his hands in his pockets as he headed home, keeping his head down to keep his eyes out of the wind and to watch for patches of ice on the sidewalk.

~*~

Tony swore as he fought to open the door to his car. The damn thing was frozen shut and he was craving sushi and no one delivered and there! Finally, the door opened so suddenly that he nearly fell beneath his own momentum. He shoved the key in the ignition and turned all of the heaters up as high as they would go, refusing to go back outside to scrape the ice off of the windows. Tony would happily pay for a tank of gas as long as it meant that he was warm.

Finally he was more or less able to see and slowly backed out of his space, wincing when the tires spun then caught as he navigated the parking lot. The town was more or less deserted due to the holidays and Tony took his time as he headed towards downtown. He was mentally compiling his order when he saw someone walking along the other side of the road. They were hunched against the wind and looked half-frozen. _”Poor sap,”_ he said to himself as he continued to drive. Something made him glance in his rearview mirror and with a curse he was carefully flipping a U-turn in the center of the icy street. He managed to keep the car under control and hissed at the blast of frigid air that hit him when he rolled the passenger window down. 

“Need a ride?”

The stranger paused then slowly shook their head.

“Come on, it’s ball-numbingly cold. I swear I’m not a serial killer. I have a full tank of gas and I can take you wherever you need to go.”

The stranger started to turn but it seemed as though their limbs refused to move. Tony put the car in park, hit the hazard lights and was out of the car before he knew what he was doing. He steadied the stranger and steered them towards his car. It was so cold that he could hear the other’s teeth chattering and he hoped that they had somewhere warm to go.

Tony opened the passenger door and was attempting to figure out how to fold the stranger’s long limbs into the seat when he happened to get a glimpse of their face. “Loki?!?”

Loki blinked at the mention of his name but was so cold that he was unable to process a response. 

“What are you doing out here? Why are you walking? Where’s Thor? Did he leave you here?”

Again Loki was unable to answer and Tony swore a blue streak as he managed to get Loki’s half-frozen legs bent and shoved into his car.

After checking to make sure he wouldn’t accidentally slam a hand or foot in the door, Tony closed Loki’s door and carefully rushed around to the driver’s side.

Tony had only been outside for a few minutes and already his face stung and his hands ached from the cold. From the looks of it Loki had been outside for much longer. Loki’s head lolled against the window and Tony did his best to get back to campus as quickly as possible.

It was a struggle to get Loki up the stairs, none of his limbs were cooperating and despite his slender build he was heavier than he looked. Tony did his best to not grope Loki as he dug in the other student’s jeans for his keys and finally the two where stumbling into Loki’s room.

Tony perched the other student on the toilet seat as he ran a lukewarm shower. “Do you need some help getting your coat off?” Again it took several moments before Tony’s voice penetrated the fog that was surrounding Loki. Thin hands, knuckles burned a bright red, reached for the zipper but were unable to grasp the small metal tab. “Here, let me.”

It was awkward getting the coat off in the small space and once Tony tossed it to the side Loki began to shiver even more violently. The severity of the situation finally hit Tony and he shoved his discomfort away; he had to get Loki warm. He knew that the other student would probably be embarrassed and push him away once he realized what had happened but for right now Tony had to help his friend.

Undressing Loki in this state was like trying to deal with a six foot tall toddler, no matter how hard he tried his limbs simply refused to obey him which frustrated him nearly to the point of tears. Tony suddenly had an immense amount of respect to anyone who had ever put him to bed while drunk. He gently batted Loki’s hands away as he tugged his shirt over his head. It didn’t seem possible but the already fair student was deathly pale and his lips still held a slight blue tinge that was fading far too slowly for Tony’s liking.

“Come on, let’s get you on your feet.” Tony paused when his hands went to Loki’s fly. More than once he had dreamed of undressing the other student, yes they were friends but Loki was also tall, dark and put the ‘hot’ in psychotic. Usually his dreams were a lot more heated and the object of his interest wasn’t shivering like a leaf. Shaking those thoughts away Tony popped the button and drew down the fly of Loki’s jeans. Before he could shove them down surprisingly strong hands were pushing him away.

“No.”

Tony looked up with a frown. “I know this is awkward but you have to get warmed up.”

“Don’t touch me.”

The words were harsh and immediately Tony stepped back with a frown. “Okay, I won’t touch you. I promise. Do you think that you can manage the shower on your own?”

Loki’s gaze was still far away but he nodded while holding his jeans up, a look akin to terror spreading across his face. “I’m fine.”

“I’ll be right outside. Call me if you need anything. I don’t want you to fall and get hurt.” Again Loki merely nodded and Tony headed into the bedroom, making sure that the door was cracked an inch so he could hear if Loki needed help.

Tony searched for an extra blanket, a frown creasing his brow. Loki wasn’t known to be the most affectionate person but he had never pushed Tony away like that. The few times that they had fallen asleep together they had always woken up in a tangle. Yeah, sometimes it was awkward but Loki never forbidden Tony to touch him. The engineer cocked his head when he heard a hiss of pain but Loki was quick to call out that he was fine.

Finally discovering an old quilt in the top of Loki’s closet, Tony spread it across the bed and kicked his shoes off before stretching across the narrow mattress. His mind with spinning with questions and he hoped that Loki would be willing to answer. The two of them didn’t have a lot in common but when one of them didn’t want to talk no amount of prodding could force them to open up.

It seemed like hours before Loki finally emerged from the bathroom in a cloud of steam. His skin had returned to its natural hue and was flushed slightly from the heat. Water dripped down his back from his hair which had only been hastily dried. He kept his eyes down as he bustled around the room, clutching the large towel around him like a lifeline, and soon disappeared back into the bathroom with a bundle of clothes. 

A few minutes later he returned and sat gently on the other side of the bed. Instead of crawling under the covers he drew the quilt around him and leaned back against the wall. His movements were slow as though he was in pain and it took him several moments to get comfortable. “I suppose you want to talk.”

Tony shrugged. “If you want to. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay.”

“I’m okay. Thanks for picking me up but I would have been fine.”

It took all of Tony’s willpower to swallow down a biting remark. “What were you doing out there?”

“I rented a car to drive home and was returning it. I didn’t want to waste money on a cab so I just walked back.” Loki picked at a frayed spot. “How did you know I was there?”

“I didn’t. I was on my way to get something for dinner when I saw someone. I was just going to do a good deed then I realized it was you.” Tony paused to pick at a broken cuticle. “Why didn’t Thor pick you up?”

“Thor and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms right now. Plus he’s not here. I came back early.”

"You could have called me."

"I didn't want to bother you. And I didn't know..." The words trailed off.

"You didn't know if I would be sober enough to drive." The words hurt but they were true. "Fair enough. I actually crawled out of the bottle yesterday but I was going to dive right back in after dinner. You caught me at a good time."

Loki curled up in an attempt to make himself smaller, hearing Tony talk so casually about his drinking made his chest ache. “I’m sorry I made you miss your dinner.”

Tony waved it off. “Don't worry about it. I can always order something.”

“My mom sent leftovers, they’re in the fridge. Help yourself.”

“Do you want anything?” Loki shook his head and Tony quickly assembled a plate. He ate in silence and for a moment he thought Loki had fallen asleep. His head was tipped back against the wall and his eyes were closed.

“Do…do you want me to go? I know you must be tired after everything.”

Loki shrugged. “I don’t care.” Tony started to stand but Loki swore and let his head fall back with a thump. “Wait. You don’t have to leave. I’m just exhausted and not in the best mood. I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

“It’s okay.” Tony tossed the empty paper plate into the trash before grabbing a sugar cookie out of the tin. “I’m going to assume that it was another rough holiday in the Odinson household.”

“You could say that.” Loki scrubbed his hands over his eyes and sighed, the air draining out of him like a balloon. “I think my parents are going to get divorced.”

“What?” Tony nearly choked on his cookie. “How do you know?”

“I can tell that my mom is tired of Odin’s bullshit. She’s so unhappy and it just breaks my heart. When I left she said that there were going to be a lot of changes in the future.” Loki let his head fall to rest on his bent knees. “I hate seeing her so miserable but I don’t want my family to fall apart.” He swallowed back burning tears. “This is all my fault.”

Tony came to sit at Loki’s side, his hand resting between sharp shoulder blades. “Loki, none of this is your fault.”

“Yes it is. Until last year we were a family. We weren’t normal but we could at least function around each other. Then I had to go and ruin it.”

“Listen to me, this isn’t your fault. Odin has always been a dick, I’ve known that my entire life and I never had to live with him. You always tried to see the best in him, that’s what you do, Loki. You try to see the best in people but last year your image of him shattered and you finally were able to see him for what he was. Odin is an abusive, manipulative bastard and I’m thrilled to hear that your mom wants to get away from him. Wanna know why?” Loki nodded. “Because it proves that not only does she love her family but she loves herself. I’ve always wondered what my mom saw in Howard. I’ve always believed that if she would have lived she would have divorced him.”

It took Loki a moment to realize that he was crying and he angrily scrubbed the tears away. “God, I’m such a mess. Why do you even bother with me?”

Tony’s answer was simple. “Because you’re my friend.”

Red rimmed eyes snapped up to meet the engineer’s. “What?”

“You’re my friend, Loki, and this is what friends do.”

“You’re always coming to my rescue and fixing my problems. Why would you want to be friends with someone as weak as me?”

Brown eyes hardened. “You are _not_ weak. You’re probably the strongest person I know. To go through everything that you’ve been forced to deal with, especially the shit that came up last year, and to still be here? That’s strength.”

“I…I’m not…”

“Yes you are. You’re strong and you make me strong too.”

Loki frowned. “What?”

“Trust me, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. I drink in order to deal. I’m not even 21 yet and I’m on my way to being a full blown alcoholic. But when I get to spend time with you I don’t want to drink, I want to enjoy your company.”

Loki’s mouth was hanging open in shock. “No one has ever said that to me before.”

“Huh?”

“That they wanted me around. I’ve always felt like such a burden…”

“And I always feel like I’m getting in the way. That or that people only want to be around me because I’m a Stark.”

A broken laugh left Loki’s lips as he wiped lingering tears away. “We’re both really fucked up, aren’t we?”

“Yep. Broken doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

Loki picked at the quilt before mustering the courage to look back up. “I like spending time with you too, Tony. I’m glad you’re my friend.”

Something akin to a blush spread across the other student’s cheeks. “God, we’re both broken _and_ sappy. Thank goodness we found each other.” For the first time in weeks Loki laughed. “There he is. My Loki. Welcome back.”

The nickname made something warm spread in his stomach. “Back for now. I make no promises for the future.”

Tony shrugged. “I’ll take what I can get.”

The two fell silent and with a jolt Loki realized that somewhere along the line their hands had become tangled together. He felt Tony’s thumb trace a random shape across the back of his hand and couldn’t hold back a shudder. “Tony, what are we doing?”

“What do you mean?” Loki glanced down at their joined hands and Tony abruptly froze. “Oh. I can stop.”

He moved to pull away and Loki tightened his grip. “No, I don’t mind. It’s just…what are we doing? Friends don’t hold hands and wake up tangled together and act like...well like this.”

“No they don’t.” Tony chewed his bottom lip for a moment. “I’m very tactile, I like to touch. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. But with you…I don’t know. I feel safe, I feel comfortable. I can’t explain it. If it bothers you I’ll stop, I promise.”

Loki’s face softened slightly. “It’s okay. I’m the opposite, I hate to be touched. Trust me, growing up with Thor who is like a six foot golden retriever puppy was hell. But…I don’t know. I don’t mind it when it’s you. It feels…right.”

"If this doesn't bother you then why did you push me away earlier?"

Loki's body went rigid. "I...I can't tell you that."

"Why not?"

"Because it's personal. I'm not as brave as you are, I like to keep my demons locked up."

"I figured that if I have them I might as well put the fuckers on full display." He squeezed Loki's hand. "Whenever you're ready I'm here. I'm the least judgmental person around. There's not much that you can do that I haven't done...twice."

Loki nodded and returned the squeeze. "Is that a challenge, Stark?"

Tony smiled and scooted closer, allowing his head to rest on Loki’s shoulder. “Don't tempt me." They fell silent for a few minutes while absorbing the changes between them. "Since we’ve already fucked this friendship thing up can I ask for one more thing?”

Loki’s chuckle rumbled across Tony’s skin. “Sure.”

“Can I stay with you tonight?”

It wasn’t the first time they had shared a bed but it was the first time Tony had actually asked. Usually they either fell asleep watching television or one of them, usually Tony, just slid into bed with the other. The request made something twist deep inside Loki’s gut. “Of course. I think I have some of Thor’s stuff here if you don’t want to go upstairs.”

The shirt was huge and the pants were far too long but Tony didn’t mind a bit. He crawled under the covers which were still warm and pressed himself against Loki the moment that he was situated. Their legs tangled together and Loki brushed off a grunt of pain when Tony accidentally bumped the hidden wounds on his thighs. 

Using his long arms to his advantage, Loki wrapped his limbs around Tony and pulled the shorter man close. In turn Tony slid an arm around Loki’s back, delving beneath his shirt to find warm skin. Loki let out a soft sound of contentment as rough fingers traced random shapes along his back. In retaliation he carded his fingers through Tony’s dark hair, smiling at the way Tony tipped his head back into the movement. 

The two were tangled together as tightly as possible and though the moment could easily have become heated it did not. Instead it was quiet and intimate, something that neither had been granted often in their lives. They did not speak, they simply closed their eyes and enjoyed the other’s proximity. It would have been easy to lean forward and steal a kiss; the two were so close that their breath mingled with every exhale. With a sigh Tony curled even closer, his head coming to tuck beneath Loki’s chin. The taller student smiled and pressed a soft kiss against Tony’s forehead before finally giving in to sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What? Can it be? Another update?!?
> 
> Remember the last chapter? Our boys were so happy together, they were sharing their feelings and their beds...it was so sweet.
> 
> *revs chainsaw* Let's fix that, shall we?
> 
> Things do get a bit heated at the beginning, if you want to skip it stop reading at the first set of *** and start reading after the second set of ***. 
> 
> As always your comments and kudos give me a reason not to abandon this fic.

When Loki woke up he was warm. 

Correction.

He was hot.

The attempt to shove the blanket off of him failed and he carefully cracked his eyes open. He was pleased to discover that he was in that happy place between hungover and still drunk. The blackout curtains of Tony’s room made it impossible to know what time it was and Loki blinked in an attempt to focus when he glanced down towards the source of his discomfort.

Tony was wrapped around him like an octopus, their arms and legs so intertwined that it was nearly impossible to tell what belonged to who. The shorter man’s head was tucked below Loki’s and each exhalation blew warm air across his neck. Unconsciously Loki turned his head to encourage the sensation and Tony curled closer, his lips nearly touching the sensitive skin.

Loki stayed still and enjoyed the feeling while shifting through the previous night’s activities. There had been a huge New Year’s party at some upperclassman’s house off campus. Loki had planned on spending the evening at home but Tony had encouraged him to attend the party, promising that they would leave if Loki wanted to. There weren’t going to be a lot of people who knew Loki in attendance and the idea of relative anonymity gave him courage. Well, that and the shots that Tony provided while they were getting ready.

Alcohol always loosened Loki’s inhibitions and this time was no different. He sprawled across the seat of the cab, one leg stretched out with the other on the floor and pulled Tony to sit between his legs. Tony happily leaned against the strong chest while interlacing his fingers with Loki’s where they lay splayed on his stomach. Tony told stories of parties past and tried to force the bubble of arousal down as Loki toyed with his fingers. 

Luckily the ride was short and Loki’s nerves returned the moment they entered the already packed house. True to his word Tony did his best to make sure Loki was comfortable the entire evening. He made sure that Loki’s drinks were strong but not so strong that they made him sick, whenever a room became too full he would find a new place for them to hang out, and he made sure to stay close to Loki’s side as often as possible.

On the other hand, Loki did his best to relax and to enjoy the party. He kept an eye on Tony but if he wanted to go off and talk or dance with someone Loki was sure to let him know that the action was fine with him. He drank more than usual but it was worth it to see the look in Tony’s eye when he tossed back another shot. More than once he caught Tony staring at him and finally Loki called him out. “Do you like that, Stark?”

Tony was caught off guard by the bold question. “What?”

“Every time I take a shot, no, every time I take a drink you watch me. Do you enjoy watching my throat move or perhaps the way I lick my lips?” Despite the clamor his voice dipped low. “Do you wish I had my lips wrapped around something else?”

The noise Tony made was not natural and Loki laughed as he headed back towards the makeshift bar. Grumbling about the fact that his “friend” had a fucking dirty mind, Tony discreetly adjusted himself and followed Loki.

The entire night was a tease. To Tony’s surprise Loki gave as good as he got and Tony wondered how to get to this side of the taller student without mass amounts of vodka. More than once Tony found himself pinned against the wall as Loki poured filth into his ears until he couldn’t help but arch and moan. The moment that he moved Loki would be gone, his playful smile disappearing around a corner. Tony in turn would slide onto Loki’s lap while handing him a drink, leaning close as to whisper a secret while pressing his lips against that soft spot under his ear that made Loki jolt as though he had been shocked.

Back and forth they went, never crossing the line but edging closer and closer to it. When midnight drew near Tony found a mostly deserted room and pulled Loki close by his hips. “Can I kiss you?”

Loki was drunk, very drunk, but he understood the words clearly. “What?”

Somehow after all of the flirting and teasing Tony managed to blush. “At midnight. Can I kiss you?”

Loki smiled and nodded, wrapping his arms around Tony and simply holding him. His head was spinning with alcohol and emotions, Tony’s presence was grounding and it kept him calm. Somewhere someone started a countdown and the two joined in, laughing when they missed a number or two. Neither one had any idea if it really was midnight but as soon as the partygoers yelled ‘Happy New Year’ they both were leaning in for a kiss. After such a heated night it was surprisingly gentle and neither one attempted to deepen it. Loki’s smile was shy after they pulled away and Tony touched his fingers to his lips for a moment before offering to take Loki home.

The buzz was wearing off and the two were exhausted by the time they staggered up the stairs. Somehow they managed to get changed and after taking Tony’s hangover remedy, two aspirin and a full glass of water, they both practically fell into bed. The arousal from earlier had faded but the two held each other like it was the most natural thing in the world.

***

Loki pulled himself back to the present and smiled slightly, it had been a good night. Apparently it had been a very frustrating night as well, his recollection of the party had ignited the arousal in his blood and he could feel himself hardening through the thin material of his sweats. He was wondering how to extract himself from Tony’s arms in order to go and take care of his problem when he heard Tony speak.

Perhaps speak was too strong of a word. The brunette let out a sound somewhere between a moan and a whimper which was followed by Loki’s name. Dark eyebrows shot up to his hairline when Loki realized what was going on. Part of him wanted to push Tony away and disappear into his own room. But part of him was still drunk and sleepy and very unsatisfied. 

It was that part of him that made him steer Tony’s lips closer to his neck. Even in sleep the brunette knew exactly what to do, trailing deep, wet kisses along the pale skin. Loki closed his eyes in bliss, tightening his fingers in the hair at the nape of Tony’s neck in order to guide him. At his side he could feel Tony moving, his hips rolling as he ground his hardening cock into Loki’s hip. With a little maneuvering Loki was able to twist enough to reach Tony’s hip, slowing and controlling his movements.

Loki was hard and his own length throbbed in need of attention but he was too caught up in the moment to care. Tony was still asleep but he was waking up, his movements becoming a little harder and more focused. “Loki?” Tony mumbled against the skin of his neck as he finally woke.

“Don’t stop.”

Tony paused for a beat before moving to properly lay on top of Loki, shoving one of his thighs between the other’s. Loki groaned now that he had something to grind against and Tony lowered his head to the pale neck in front of him once more. He found the soft spot beneath Loki’s ear with ease, feeling the other student jerk and arch against him. With a wicked grin Tony covered that spot with his lips, using his teeth and tongue to suck a deep purple mark into the fair skin.

The sensation was so intense that for a moment Loki thought that he might lose control and come on the spot. He arched his back and dug his nails into Tony’s back as lightning arced through his veins. His groan was obscene and when Tony finally let up Loki slumped back onto the bed, his mouth open and gasping for air.

“That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” growled Tony before bending to capture Loki’s swollen lips. 

Unlike the previous night there was nothing sweet about this kiss. The two fought for control as they tasted each other, hips rolling as they chased their pleasure. Loki nipped sharply at Tony’s bottom lip, his tongue greedily chasing the small point of blood that welled to the surface. Tony pulled away with a hiss, his eyes bright. He licked at his lip feeling the tiny wound and Loki watched as the eyes above him darkened even further with arousal. 

Tony lifted himself up and shifted slightly to properly straddle Loki as he leaned down to capture his lips once more. One hand slid into his hair while the other cupped his neck, moaning as Loki opened his mouth and welcomed Tony’s exploring tongue with his own. He felt Loki’s fingers tighten before he rolled his hips up to meet Tony’s. The action caused Loki to draw in a sharp breath through his nose and Tony broke the kiss, he had to see Loki like this.

Loki’s green eyes were dark; his lips were red, slick and kiss-swollen. Tony wanted to see more, it was like an addiction and he wanted to be the one that caused the normally quiet young man to break apart. He swore with reverence and dove back down for another kiss while he rolled his hips down again, sharper and stronger. Through the thin layer of their sweats the feeling of Loki’s hard length pressing against his own was incredible and the voice inside of him chanted _‘more, more, more.’_

Tony was actually surprised when Loki’s fingers dipped into his waistband and began to slowly tug the material down. Tony leaned up to give Loki more room and groaned when long fingers came to wrap around his shaft. Loki’s grip was a bit dry but it was perfect and Tony couldn’t help but thrust his hips, watching as the swollen head disappeared and reappeared through those perfect fingers.

After allowing himself to chase the sensation for a moment, Tony reluctantly batted Loki’s hand away and reached for the waist of his sweats. Vaguely remembering how harshly Loki had pushed him away a few days ago Tony paused and waited. After a beat Loki shoved his sweats down enough to free his cock but no further. Tony decided that an inquisition could wait and instead wrapped his hand around the straining length in front of him.

Loki’s mouth had been open in preparation to speak but instead a ragged moan escaped his lips. Tony moved his hand up and down, stroking slowly at first, getting used to the feeling. Loki was attempting to stay still but he couldn’t help it and thrust up into Tony’s fist. The way that the muscles in his chest and stomach clenched and how he arched his back made fire spark in Tony’s veins. He leaned forward to capture Loki’s lips once more and groaned at the feel of that talented tongue teasing his own.

Part of Tony wanted to go down on Loki, to wrap his lips around his shaft and see what kind of sounds he could wring from his classmate. All thoughts flew from his head when Loki lifted a hand to lick at his palm before reaching down and wrapping those long fingers around Tony’s cock. Tony sucked in a breath and had to force himself to exhale. Loki’s hand was perfect, just wet and tight enough to drive Tony insane.

Loki’s free hand gripped his nape and pulled him down for a deep kiss. The change in position made it difficult for Tony to keep his hand wrapped around Loki’s cock but it didn’t matter because after a moment Loki batted his hand away and wrapped his long fingers around both of them. 

Tony didn’t even bother to attempt to hold back his groan. “Fuck yes,” he breathed against Loki’s lips. He started to move his hips, thrusting forward into Loki’s hand and quickly losing himself in the rhythm. A whine fell from his mouth when Loki suddenly let go but a moment later his ass was grabbed tightly and he was pulled down while Loki rolled his hips up and Tony’s eyes all but rolled back into his head. Their cocks were slick from arousal and Loki’s saliva and it was just wet enough to allow them to slide perfectly together.

Loki controlled their movements at first but once Tony ducked his head and began pressing heated kisses to the flesh of Loki’s neck it was easy to feel how the pleasure was building up. Tony could feel it coiling within him and he moved harder and faster, moaning when Loki matched his pace.

Tony had always been vocal in bed but now Loki was making sounds as well. Small moans and large breaths spilled from his lips, his composure and control shattered. To see his reserved companion breaking so beautifully beneath him was almost too much. He wasn’t going to last much longer and told Loki as much.

“Yes…yes please…” Loki groaned. Neither one was sure what he was exactly asking for but neither one cared.

Tony felt his muscles tighten as pleasure cracked whip-sharp through his body. It washed through him in a wave and he buried his head in Loki’s neck, biting the skin there as he groaned in pleasure. The slide of their cocks became easier and though he could already feel the lethargy seeping into his veins he did not, could not stop.

He could feel Loki’s iron grip on his hips as he chased his own pleasure. Tony nipped sharply at his ear. “Come for me, Loki. Just let go. You’re so beautiful like this. Come for me…”

Loki’s groan was ragged and he moved to wrap his arms around Tony’s back. It didn’t take long, only a few more thrusts and Loki threw his head back, a strangled cry leaving his lips as he came. Tony held him through it, gently rolling his hips to prolong their pleasure then carefully laying to the side when it became too much.

***

Eventually Loki loosened his grip and the two moved apart, panting for breath as they came down from their respective highs. They didn’t move far, the bed was too small for that, their shoulders brushed as they attempted to catch their breath.

Tony knew Loki well enough to know that his mind would be racing at a million miles an hour. In an attempt to stop the imminent panic attack Tony rolled onto his side and waited until Loki turned his head to face him. “I can see your brain churning from here. Why don’t we get cleaned up and then we’ll talk if you want to.” Loki nodded and Tony smiled. “Meet you downstairs in 30?”

When Tony pushed the door to Loki’s room open his heart sank. Instead of sitting on the bed where they usually sat, Loki was curled up in the armchair near the closet. The chair was usually piled high with books because Loki had deemed it ‘the most uncomfortable piece of furniture in existence’. Now he was sitting in the chair, forehead on knees, while burrowing into a hoodie that had to have been Thor’s at some point as it was about three sizes too big. At that moment he looked so small, so terrified that Tony cursed at himself. He should never had let things go so far upstairs, he should have stopped the moment he woke.

Tony avoided the bed at well, settling into the desk chair with a creak. “Do you want to talk?” Loki made an undiscernible sound and Tony leaned closer to hear. “What was that?”

Loki finally raised his head, carefully keeping his eyes from meeting Tony’s. “I said that I was sorry.”

“Sorry? For what?”

Green eyes glanced towards the ceiling. “For what just happened, for last night, for everything.”

The engineer did his best to keep his voice gentle. “Loki, you have nothing to be sorry about. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I’m the one who should be apologizing.”

“I was drunk, it was a mistake.”

The words shouldn’t have hurt as much as they did. Tony loved sex, he always had and was thrilled at the idea of sharing that intimacy with Loki. They may just be ‘fucked up friends’ but Tony admitted that he enjoyed spending time with Loki and this morning was a bonus that he was thrilled to receive. Apparently he was the only one that felt that way. Tony could practically see the dark clouds forming over Loki’s head. 

“Lokes, it’s okay. We were both drunk and half asleep. It happened, it’s over…and…and it never has to happen again. Okay?”

No matter how soothing or reassuring Tony’s words were, nothing was getting through. “I shouldn’t have gone to that party with you. I should have slept in my own bed.” He ran his hands through his still wet hair. “I can’t control myself when I drink. I should have stayed home.”

“You can control yourself a hell of a lot better than I can. You just get a little more…um…relaxed when you drink.”

The bright eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

Tony shrugged. “You’re quicker to smile and to laugh. It seems like you don’t worry about the world around you as much.”

Apparently that was the wrong answer. Loki’s lip quivered and he swallowed hard to calm himself. “Is that why you wanted me to go to the party? So I would ‘relax’?”

“No! Absolutely not! I wanted you to go because I thought you might enjoy yourself. I know it’s been hard for you lately and I thought it would take your mind off of everything. That’s all, I swear.”

“If I’m so boring you don’t have to hang out with me, you could have gone to the party alone.”

The engineer counted to ten and refrained from pulling his hair out before opening his mouth to speak. “Will you please stop putting words in my mouth? I don’t find you boring, in fact, you fascinate me. You’re smart and resilient and have the sharpest wit of anyone I have met. The only reason that I went to the party was so I could go with you!”

Loki frowned. “I don’t understand.”

 _’I wanted to show you off, you idiot!’_ Tony snapped his mouth shut before the words could leave it. What the hell? He had Loki were friends, nothing more. Yes friends that held hands, slept in the same bed and now apparently made out and fucked like bunnies.

Dammit.

Tony scrubbed his hands over his face. “I don’t want this to turn into a fight. I wanted you to come to the party with me last night so you could relax and have fun before the new semester starts up. This morning we were both still drunk and things just happened. I didn’t plan it and neither did you. It’ll never happen again, okay? We don’t even have to sleep in the same bed anymore if it freaks you out that much. Let’s just move past this and go on with our lives. Okay?”

For a very, very long time Loki was silent. Tony thought he was being ignored but he could see the crease between Loki’s eyebrows that indicated that he was thinking. Finally he licked his lips and turned his head just enough so Tony could hear him speak. “It was a mistake…something that never should have happened.” He held his legs even tighter, feeling the muscles strain against the movement. “It was inevitable though. You know how I get when I drink and you’re touchy feely even without alcohol so…” The next words caught in his throat and he had to force them out. “I…I think we should take a break.”

Tony’s stomach dropped. “From?”

“From everything, from each other.” Loki held up a hand to stop Tony’s next words. “Tony, you’re my friend and I don’t want to give that up but I need some time. Everything between us has happened so fast that I don’t know what to think or do. Please just give me some time to figure things out.”

Against his will Tony felt himself nodding. “Alright, do what you need to do. You know where to find me.”  
Without another word he stood and left. Part of him wanted to stay, to beg Loki to give him a chance to make this right. The other half was pissed. One mistake, one drunken mistake and it was over. Loki said he needed time but Tony knew better. That was Loki’s way of saying that they were over. He was saying goodbye.

Tony was too anxious to sit so he paced back and forth in the small room, uncaring that his actions might bother Loki who was surely holed up in his room downstairs. It wasn’t that he _liked_ Loki in a romantic sense but they were friends. That friendship had been hard won and paid for with blood, literally. It had taken time but it finally looked as though they had hit their stride and one drunken romp had to go and destroy that relationship.

Bypassing a glass, Tony took a swig from the nearest bottle and frowned. Loki didn’t like it when he drank. The dark voice that he had managed to keep quiet these past few weeks decided that it was time to speak up and reminded Tony that Loki wasn’t here right now and it was unlikely that Loki even cared about what happened to him. Tony glanced towards the bed where the sheets were still rumpled from this morning and swore while taking another drink. 

There was nearly an entire week before classes started up again. Plenty of time to drink away the memories of first person to touch his cold, broken heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think I'd actually let them be happy for long, did you?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update? I can barely believe it!
> 
> Okay, folks, this one is pretty dark. There's a rather short but violent scene about halfway through so you've been warned. I was going to make this chapter a lot longer but it didn't flow. I will try to update again over the holidays but I make no promises.
> 
> As always, your comments and kudos mean more to me than you will ever know. :-D :-) :-D

Tony promised that he would give Loki space in order to sort out his emotions and he did his best to keep that promise but as the days rolled by his spirits sank further and further. He would take a few minutes longer than usual in the morning or linger on his way home hoping that he would catch Loki on the way to class but somehow the student always eluded him. Once or twice Tony spotted Loki across campus but he was always gone before Tony could approach him. Tony found himself checking his phone more and more often, hoping that he would get a call or a text from Loki. 

More than once Tony found himself excitedly typing a text or rushing down to Loki's room just to stop himself at the last minute. A strange ache had set up shop in his chest and he often caught himself attempting to rub the pain away. The sensation was frustrating and Tony didn't know what was wrong with him. Loki was his friend, nothing more. Tony had lost too many friends to count over the years, what made Loki so special?

No matter how strongly Tony attempted to deny it the fact of the matter was that he liked Loki. The quiet student had a sharp wit and an even sharper tongue. Yes, he was shy and insecure but once Tony was able to slip past the barriers he had built around himself he had discovered a brilliant young man. Loki's interests ran the gamut and he was one of the few that could actually keep up with Tony. Even though their majors were on the complete opposite sides of the spectrum, engineering and physics versus English literature and ancient history, Loki had a surprisingly strong grasp on the science behind Tony's work. When they did end up arguing over a topic the arguments were well thought out and challenging. No one had made Tony's brain work in the same way that Loki did and Tony found himself missing his friend more and more.

Soon Tony stopped waiting for Loki and checking his phone. He still hoped that he would hear from the young man but he knew those odds were stacked against him. As the days bled into each other Tony's hope began to fade and seventeen days after their last disastrous meeting something inside Tony broke. He realized that Loki wasn’t going to reach out to him, that the first person he had cared about in a long time was gone. All of the bad habits that Loki had been breaking him of returned in full force and brought reinforcements. He lost himself in a blur of schoolwork, alcohol, and inventions. Once and awhile he would disentangle himself long enough for a meal or shower before disappearing into the maelstrom once more. Both Pepper and Rhodey were taken aback by the sudden change but Tony resolutely refused to speak about the issue. He would throw them a suave grin, assure them that he was fine, and disappear back into his room once more.

Loki, on the other hand, was doing his best to disappear. He made sure that he was so busy that he only had to return to the dorm in order to sleep and shower. Once or twice he spotted Tony across campus but he couldn’t face the other student. He was too ashamed of his reaction the last time he saw Tony and was terrified by the thought of seeing or, heaven forbid, speaking to the engineer once more. 

After giving his advisor the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes that he could muster he was allowed to pick up another class which gave him eighteen credits as well as another work study position which insured that from dawn until late in the evening he was busy. The schedule was impossible but Loki was so caught up in the demands of his various positions that he didn’t have enough time to worry about anything else.

Even though he was running himself ragged that did not mean that his demons were silent. His thighs were so raw that they constantly ached and he was forced to keep them bandaged as they tended to bleed through his jeans. The pain was a pleasant distraction but he reached a point where he ran out of room. Loki quickly discovered that the skin on his hips was too thin and bled too easily as was the skin on his lower stomach and he fell asleep clutching his straight razor while attempting to find a suitable place on his body to make his next mark. 

He more or less survived on coffee, skipping meals until his hands no longer shook and his body finally grew accustomed to the brutal routine. Since childhood he had been thin and it didn’t take much for his weight to fluctuate. After a few weeks of non-stop classes and work he was downright skeletal. His cheekbones were sharp and his eyes sunken, his dark hair causing his pale skin to stand out even more sharply. Clothes hung on his slight frame but Loki was always quick to brush off the concern of his professors, blaming stress and terrible cafeteria food in on his condition. Once or twice he was forced to stop and get his bearings as the world spun around him but it wasn’t anything that a cup of coffee or an energy drink could not fix. 

Loki knew that he was hanging on by a thread but at this point he didn't care anymore. Each day blurred into the next and each move that he made was on autopilot. From time to time his professors would attempt to engage him, to draw out the bright personality that they knew was hiding beneath the too-big clothing but that part of Loki was closed off. Sometimes Loki wondered if he would ever get that part of his life back, often those ideas were too tiring and he quickly shoved them to the side before trudging towards campus once more.

~*~

Loki swore that if he did not have bad luck he would not have any type of luck at all. Ironically, his turn of bad luck came in the form of his only point of joy and solace in this world: Frigga. In late February Frigga filed for divorce from Odin. Loki knew it was coming, they spoke often and even though she had never explicitly stated anything Loki was easily able to sense her emotions over the phone. Frigga did not want to burden her youngest child with her personal issues but Loki encouraged her to open up and more than once they spent hours crying to each other over the phone. Loki knew that things were bad between Frigga and Odin but he had no idea how bad things truly were until he heard the words fall from his mother's mouth, her voice hitched and wavering. His heart broke at his mother’s pain and he wished that he could help carry the immense weight that bore down upon her. 

Even though Loki had been expecting it, it was still a shock to hear the announcement. Frigga called him a few hours before the news “officially” broke and for the first time in a long time he could hear the relief in her voice. Of course Odin had been floored but Frigga’s lawyers were better and much more tenacious. There was sure to be a long legal battle ahead of them but Frigga was confident in her legal team as well as the mountains of evidence she had accumulated over the years. Loki had inherited her skill for observation and stealth and was never more proud to be called Frigga’s son than he was in that moment.

It didn’t take long for the media to get ahold of the story and all hell broke loose. Campus was buzzing all day and Loki received everything from sympathetic looks to fierce insults as the news spread. He kept his head down and did his best to ignore everyone around him. People quickly realized that insults were not nearly as entertaining if Loki refused to acknowledge them. Loki knew it was only a matter of time before Thor either called him or visited him and he was attempting to brace himself for what was bound to be a painful encounter.

Loki hadn’t heard from Thor all day and was hoping that the blonde had better things to do than bother his step-brother. After finishing the last of his homework he was readying himself for bed when his door flew open. Thor didn’t speak; he simply grabbed Loki by the front of his shirt and yanked him to his feet. “Are you happy now?” Loki wanted to argue, to fight back but he knew it was useless. He had never seen Thor so angry; the blonde’s face was red and his normally clear eyes were unfocused. Thor shook him once before landing a punch so hard that entire galaxies exploded across his vision. Loki felt his lip split and warm blood begin to drip down his chin. The next blow snapped his head back and he felt his neck pop. Thor wasn’t holding anything back and though his thoughts were scattered Loki dimly wondered if Thor would kill him. The blonde was strong and angry enough, a few well-placed blows and it would be over. Surprisingly enough...he didn't care.

"Look at what you've done! You destroyed my family!" At some point Loki fell unconscious but the pain quickly brought him back to his senses. Thor was going on and on, blaming the divorce on Loki and claiming that he had filled Frigga’s head with his lies. Loki was not sure how long it went on but finally Thor let him drop onto the floor. Loki thought that it was over but Thor simply straddled his waist and used his new leverage to vent his anger. The sound of skin striking skin echoed throughout the room and Loki attempted to focus on the sound instead of the violence that was being inflicted upon him.

Finally it was over. Thor scrambled to his feet and all but ran out of the room once he realized what he had done. Unfortunately Loki was still conscious and every inch of his body was screaming in pain. He could barely breathe, his nose was broken and his mouth was full of blood. Each strained breath came out as a sickening gurgle and his chest ached as his lungs attempted to access what little air was available. Religion was never a part of his life but now Loki prayed. He prayed for an end to the pain, for the darkness to finally surround him and to never let him go. After what felt like an eternity it seemed as though his prayers had been answered, the pain began to fade and he slipped into oblivion.

~*~

When Loki woke he briefly thought that he was dead. Everything was white and blindingly bright. After a moment the dull ache in his body told him that he was, unfortunately, still alive and he closed his eyes once more hoping that this was just a bad dream. Apparently he was not alone and his action was noticed by the other person in the room. “Lokes?”

Loki didn’t think that his spirits could sink any further but apparently he was wrong. Carefully he turned his head to see Tony looking back at him. He tried to speak but he couldn’t make his mouth form the words.

“Don’t talk. You have a hairline fracture in your jaw…among other things.” Tony looked terrible, dark circles made his skin seem more pale than usual and his hair was mussed in a way that told Loki he had been running his hands through it. “Rhodey found you. Your door was open and he came to get me when he saw you. Jesus, Loki, I thought you were dead.”

Tony’s hand shook as he rubbed at his mouth. “Your mom is on her way. The staff didn’t want to let me stay but it helps when your mother’s name is on the hospital.” The engineer grimaced and looked away. “I know you hate me but I…I didn’t want you to wake up alone.” 

Loki felt a new wave of pain flood his body that had nothing to do with his injuries. He wanted to vomit and felt his stomach twist. Tony had been nothing but kind; giving him space and never pressuring him to talk. Instead of facing him Loki had turned his back and run off, shutting out the engineer without giving him a chance to explain.

There were a million things that Loki wanted to ask, a million things that he wanted to say but the first words that tumbled out were, “how bad?”

Tony frowned. “You shouldn’t talk.” Despite his injuries Loki attempted to glare and Tony sighed. “A broken nose, an orbital fracture that they did minor surgery on, a hairline fracture in your jaw, three bruised ribs, two broken ribs, and bruising on over 40% of your body including a lovely handprint that wraps around your neck. It was a miracle that there wasn’t any internal bleeding.” The engineer glanced at his watch and scrubbed at his eyes. “Thor did this, didn’t he?” Loki didn’t reply but his silence and refusal to look at Tony was all of the evidence needed. “Don’t worry, I didn’t say anything to the staff or to your mom. As far as they’re concerned it was an anonymous attack. They locked down campus and the police are investigating the matter.”

Instinctively Loki attempted to curl up, to make himself as small as possible but the act was impossible and a cry unwillingly left his lips. “Hey, hey…calm down, it’s okay.” Tony’s hand was gentle on his shoulder but he firmly held Loki in place. “It’s going to be okay.”

For the first time in weeks tears began to fall, the salt stinging his wounds. _'This is my fault. I deserve this. I should have done everyone a favor and just died.'_ The words echoed through his head reminding him time and time again of his failure. "I...I can't..." he started but the pain that lanced through his jaw made him snap his mouth shut. 

"Loki, you have to calm down. I know it hurts but try and breathe for me. Can you do that?"

Carefully Loki nodded and closed his eyes as Tony brushed his tears away. The touch was soothing and Loki wanted to twist away, he knew he didn't deserve Tony's kindness. "Do you want to sleep?”

Loki shook his head. “Thirsty.” The word cost him dearly but he felt like he might expire if he didn't get a sip of something.

Tony twisted and grabbed a cup on the side table. “The doctors don’t want you to drink anything yet but I have some ice chips. I…uh…do you mind if I give them to you? Your hands don’t seem too steady.” After a beat Loki nodded and slowly Tony pressed the ice chips between his split lips, giving him time to allow each one melt before adding another.

Eventually the painkillers started to kick in and Loki’s eyes fluttered closed. Tony gently carded his hand through the other’s hair, giving as much comfort as possible.

Frigga arrived a short time later and stopped abruptly at Loki’s door. Her son looked terrible, his face a multitude of colors and the majority of his body swathed in heavy bandages. At his side sat Anthony Stark. It had been years since she last saw him but she would recognize his features anywhere. The student’s head was resting on the pillow next to Loki’s, his hand gently covering the pale fingers of her son. Despite the situation she could not help but smile.

“Anthony?”

Tony jerked awake, blinking as he attempted to remember his location. He met Frigga’s eyes with a slight frown. “Mrs. Odinson?”

“It’s Borson now but never mind that. Can I have a word with you?” He nodded then headed out into the hall, his back protesting the position he had been napping in. Frigga glanced back towards Loki and twisted her hands together, a habit that she had passed down to her son. For several long moments Frigga was silent before suddenly pulling Tony into a fierce hug. “Thank you.”

Tony was confused at the action and eventually returned the embrace. “For what?”

“For saving him. I was talking to one of the nurses as I drove down and she said that if you wouldn’t have found him he could have died. One of his airways was blocked and…” Her voice trailed off as she fought to compose herself. She eventually released Tony but held onto his shoulders at arm’s length. “Loki always has such kind things to say about you. I’m glad that you’re his friend.”

Something sharp twisted in Tony’s gut and he looked down in an attempt to avoid her gaze. “One of my friends actually found him. He was coming to see me and saw Loki’s door open. He’s the real hero here.”

Tony could feel Frigga’s eyes on him and focused on a point over her shoulder. “What is your friend’s name?”

“Rhodey…er…Rhodes. James Rhodes.”

“I will have to thank him.” She finally turned back towards Loki’s room. “Has he woken up yet?” 

“For a few minutes. I gave him some ice chips and he fell asleep after that.”

“Did he say anything?” 

For a moment Tony debated on telling her about the sudden tears but decided against it. “Not really. They have him on some serious painkillers.”

Frigga nodded and turned back around to face Tony, her eyes suddenly hard. “Do you know who did this? Do you know anyone who would want to harm my son?”

Years of living with Howard and perfecting his poker face was Tony’s only saving grace. “No ma’am. They’re investigating it on campus but Loki tends to keep to himself. He’s not the most popular student but I can’t think of anyone who would do something like this.” _Unless we’re talking about the blonde berserker that you call a son...’_

Frigga’s lips pressed into a thin line as she nodded sharply. “If you hear anything let me know immediately. Whoever did this will be punished.”

Tony rocked back on his heels and was saved by the vibration of his phone, it was a text from Rhodey letting him know that the lockdown had been lifted and asking if he needed a ride back to campus. “I should probably get back to the dorm.”

The older woman’s face softened. “Of course. Thank you again, Anthony.”

“Yeah…of course. I’m just glad he’s going to be okay.” He rubbed nervously at the back of his neck. “Do you think…I mean…you can say no but…um…do you think it would be okay if I came to visit?”

When Frigga smiled the entire room seemed to brighten. “Of course. Now go and get some rest, I know it’s been a long day for you.”

“Thank you.” With that Tony shot off a quick text to Rhodey and headed towards the lobby to wait for his ride.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ugh...I don't like this chapter but it was necessary. The next one will move the story forward more and hopefully now that the holidays are over my life will settle down.
> 
> You know the drill...comment and kudos keep me sane and just let me say how amazing all of you are. I never thought this story would get this far and I could never have imagined that so many people would respond to it.

Tony watched as a thin hand emerged from a pile of blankets, grabbed a bottle of water and disappeared back within the mound. “How is he?”

Frigga sighed. “He sleeps a lot. At first I was worried but the doctors explained that the sleep is helping his body heal.”

“How’s that going? Is everything healing okay?”

“Thankfully yes. Many of the bruises are starting to fade and it seems as though he can move around with less pain. He still has difficulty breathing especially because he refuses to sleep on his back but overall he’s doing surprisingly well.”

Tony chewed at a hangnail. “Please feel free to tell me to mind my business but has he said anything about that night?”

For a moment Frigga closed her eyes then shook away the memory. “No. He says he doesn’t remember much. He wasn’t able to see the person’s face and it happened so fast…” She squared her shoulders. “My legal team is leading the investigation, it’s just a matter of time until they discover the culprit.”

Tony held back a wince, not wanting to be anywhere near that shit when it hit the fan. “Do you think I could talk to him for awhile?”

Frigga’s face softened. “Of course. I need to run back to the hotel for a bit. I won’t be long.” She gave him a smile before disappearing around the corner.

Before he entered he knocked on the door frame. “Lokes? It’s Tony. Can I come in?” There was an intelligible grunt from the pile of blankets that Tony took as an affirmative. He sat down in the hard plastic chair and sighed. “Are you going to come out or do I have to talk to a pillow?”

There was a pause then two green eyes emerged. The left was still horribly bruised but no longer swollen shut and the bruise around the right had faded to a sickly yellow. “Yes?”

“How are you?”

Even though his mouth wasn’t visible Tony knew Loki was scowling. “I’m fantastic. Thoroughly enjoying my holiday at this lovely medical facility.”

“Okay, ask a stupid question…what I meant was how are you doing? Do you need anything?”

“I need to go back to my dorm.”

“You and I both know that’s not going to happen.”

“Then I’m fine.” The eyes disappeared beneath the blankets once more.

Tony ran a hand through his hair. “You’ve been granted a leave of absence from the university. Due to the circumstances you can complete your missed schoolwork at your own pace and it won’t affect your grades or your scholarship.”

The eyes emerged once more. “How…how did mother manage that? She’s been here the whole time.”

“Your mom didn’t do it, I did.” The eyes widened in surprise and Tony shrugged uncomfortably. “It’s no big deal.”

“How…?”

“It helps when your name is on every piece of tech that the school uses.” He turned serious for a moment, brown eyes meeting green. “Loki, I know how important your schoolwork is to you. It wouldn’t be fair for you to lose your scholarship or to fall behind because of something that is out of your control. After everything that’s happened it was the least I could do.”

“Anthony, you didn’t have to do this.” Loki’s whole face had emerged. He still looked like he had gone face-first through a meat grinder but at least the swelling and bruising was fading slightly.

Again Tony shrugged. “I know.” He turned so he could actually face Loki. “I’m also the official homework collector so once you’re better I’ll bring it to you. The university said that they would assign you a tutor as well in case you need some help getting caught up.”

Loki’s eyes were burning and his throat was tight. “Why? Why are you doing this for me?”

“Because you’re my friend.”

“You shouldn’t do all of this, you shouldn’t waste your time on me.”

“Stop it.” Loki’s eyes snapped up towards Tony’s. “You should know by know that I don’t do anything that I don’t want to do. If I want to do nice things for you I will and you can’t stop me.” Tony childishly stuck out his tongue and typically the action would make Loki laugh instead the bright eyes averted their gaze.

“Don’t.”

The lighthearted moment quickly dissipated. “Don’t what? What’s wrong?”

“Don’t laugh at me.”

Tony frowned. He was somewhat used to Loki’s mood swings but this was new. “I’m not laughing at you, I was just trying to make you smile.”

“Stop it.”

“Loki, I don’t understand. What is going on?”

“Stop doing things for me, stop throwing your weight around at the school. I can take care of myself I don’t need some Stark to pave the way for me.”

The engineer felt something hard form in his chest. “I…I was just trying to help.”

“I don’t need your help. I don’t _want_ your help. Please, just go away.”

Tony opened and closed his mouth several times but for once nothing would come out. “I’m sorry.” Loki had disappeared beneath the blankets once more and Tony let out a slow breath while picking up his backpack. He scrubbed angrily at his eyes as he trudged towards his car. Throwing his backpack into the backseat he let his head fall forward onto his crossed arms.

This was his fault. He couldn’t have prevented Thor from attacking Loki but if Tony hadn’t have been such a fool, if he had listened to the head that was on his shoulders and not the one living between his legs then maybe Loki wouldn’t have pushed him away. Maybe Tony would have been there when Thor barged in, maybe he could have gotten between the blonde and Loki. Tony knew that he couldn’t fight Thor but maybe he could have stalled him long enough so Loki could get away. Or maybe Thor would have kicked both of their asses and they’d be sharing a hospital room.

Any of those outcomes would be better than this. Now Tony was forced to watch as someone that he cared for faded further and further away and there was nothing that he could do to stop it.

~*~

“Why are you doing this?” Pepper asked the question while helping Tony make Loki’s bed.

“He’s been through enough as it is. The last thing he needs is to come back to a horror show.” Tony had hired a professional cleaning service to deep clean the carpet in Loki’s room and had enlisted Pepper’s help to pick out new bedding as the old set had been splattered with blood. 

Pepper shook out the comforter. “I get that but I still don’t understand. One minute you’re terrified of him, the next minute you’re defending him, and now you’re pulling every string imaginable to make his life easier. It’s admirable but I don’t understand the intention.”

Tony tossed a pillow onto the bed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I can’t explain it, Pep. We…um…we had a fight not long before his attack and I guess I feel guilty. I know doing all of this won’t change how he feels about me but…”

Pepper squeezed his arm. “It’s okay, I get it. Just don’t get too carried away, okay?”

~*~

“Thor, I don’t understand. Loki is your brother! No matter what is going on between you two the least you could do is come and visit him!” Frigga’s voice faded as she walked down the hall, doing her best to control her emotions as she spoke to her eldest.

Loki was thinking about taking another nap when a knock on the door made him look up. A woman with a soft smile and a clipboard entered the room and sat down on the chair next to him. “Hello, Loki. My name is Doctor Helen Cho, I’m one of the hospital’s psychologists.”

Against his will Loki made a face. “Oh. Umm…hello.”

“I thought you might be more comfortable talking if your mother was not here.” Loki nodded and averted his eyes. “I’m not going to treat you like a child and we’ll only talk about what you’re comfortable with. I know that you’re tired and I doubt that you want to deal with this right now but it has to be addressed before you can be discharged. You have my promise that what we discuss will only be between the two of us.”

“You saw my legs.” Loki’s voice was flat.

“I didn’t but my team in the ER did.” She flipped open the file folder. “I know you were seeing Dr. Otero last year and she had you on several medications. Are you still taking them?”

Loki shook his head. “I ran out and the counselor at school wouldn’t refill them. Every time I went home Dr. Otero wasn’t available. I tried to manage without them…”

Dr. Cho’s face was hard. “I see. When you were on the medication did it help?”

“Not really. It just made me kind of numb. That’s actually why I…um…started with my legs. It was better to feel pain than to feel nothing.”

After writing a few notes Dr. Cho met Loki’s eyes. “You said you tried going to the counselor at the university and they wouldn’t refill your prescriptions, were you able to make an appointment just to talk?”

Loki shook his head. “Nothing was truly confidential. She told me that whatever was said between us may have to be relayed to my parents if she deemed me to be a danger to myself. I wasn’t suicidal I just wanted someone to talk to.” Even though it hurt, he quickly turned his head away, hiding the tears that suddenly fell from his eyes.

Dr. Cho gave him a few moments to compose himself before speaking. “Loki, you have my sincere apologies. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I will personally be visiting campus to speak to the dean about this.”

“No…don’t. You don’t have to do that. I’ll be alright.”

“Yes, you might be okay but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t another student who is suffering and not getting the help that they need.”

The two fell silent, the only sound coming from Dr. Cho’s pen on the page. “So what happens now?” Loki finally asked.

“You said that the medications just numbed you out, correct? How would you feel about a more homeopathic approach?”

Loki frowned. “What do you mean?”

“With some of my clients I have discovered that a vitamin regimen works well in lieu of prescription medication. We can try it out for a few weeks and proceed from there. How does that sound?”

“Fine, I guess. Are you going to make me go to therapy?”

Dr. Cho smiled. “I don’t want to make you do anything. I would like to continue to see you and I will do my best to accommodate your schedule.”

“I don’t have a car.”

“Not a problem. I’ll give you my phone number and we’ll set up a time that works.”

Loki started to chew on his bottom lip but quickly stopped when the taste of fresh blood flooded his mouth. Dr. Cho handed him a tissue and he dabbed at the wound absently. “Will you tell my mother?”

“Not unless I absolutely have to and you and I will have that conversation before it happens.” She turned to Loki and placed her clipboard on the small side table. “Loki, we all have our scars. They are nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to agonize over.” She rolled up the sleeve of her lab coat and Loki’s eyes widened when he saw the thin scars crisscrossing her arm.

“You…? How…how did you get better?”

“I was younger than you are now when I started and I’m not going to lie, every now and then I still have the urge to cut. I was lucky. I got help, I started taking medication and going to therapy after school. It took years to get over the worst of it but if I can do it anyone can.”

Loki picked at a hole in the worn blanket. “Is there a way to stop?”

Dr. Cho frowned. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“When I want to cut it’s all I can think about. I don’t know how to get rid of the urge.”

The woman’s face softened. “Oh, you mean a coping mechanism. Well everyone is different. Some of my patients write, some draw on their skin, some exercise, some find a secluded space and scream. It’ll take some time but I’m more than happy to work with you until we find something that fits.”

The two were suddenly startled by a knock on the door. Frigga waved tentatively but did not enter. Loki guiltily looked away from Dr. Cho as she began to gather her belongings. “Here’s my cell phone number. You can call me day or night, I mean that. If I don’t answer just keep calling.” She patted Loki’s hand and nodded politely at Frigga as she slipped out of the room.

“Who was that, honey?”

“Just another doctor, she wants me to set up some appointments after I get discharged.”

“Does she know when you’ll be able to go back?”

Loki shook his head. “Not yet but hopefully soon.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after a hellish holiday which included the stomach flu and an incredibly emotional new year I finally found time to work on this. I know it's a long chapter but it's a big one. It took a turn that even I didn't expect but there's a method to my madness...I think...maybe...
> 
> As always, comments and kudos keep the insecurity at bay!

Loki was released after 10 long days in the hospital. Frigga wanted him to stay longer but Loki insisted and the doctors could not find any reason to keep him. He had strict instructions about his activities and how to care for his wounds which he listened to with half an ear. He was sick of the sterile environment and just wanted to sleep in his own bed.

His cheeks flushed with embarrassment when Frigga refused to let him carry his bag, insisting that he wasn’t an invalid but she would not budge. It seemed strange to enter the nearly empty dorm and unlock his room, it was as though the attack had happened years ago. When he flipped his lights on a frown crossed his face, his room was clean. He had expected a half-assed cleaning job but the room was pristine with a new set of sheets spread across the bed. 

“Mother, did you do this?”

Frigga shook her head. “No, I never had the time.”

“Then who…?”

“I did.”

The voice made them turn and Loki winced at the action. “Tony.”

Frigga immediately swept the young man into a hug. “Anthony, you did all of this? That was so kind of you.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Loki sat down on the edge of the bed and couldn’t deny the fine quality of the linens. The bedspread was black with gold, green and silver accents. It was soft and over-stuffed, something that Loki would have picked out for himself but he knew he could never have afforded it. His stomach twisted with guilt; how was he supposed to pay Tony back for this?

“Loki?”

The word made him snap his head up. “Sorry, what?”

“I was asking if you were all settled. Do you need me to pick up anything?”

The student shook his head. “I don’t need anything tonight. Could we go grocery shopping tomorrow once I’ve had a chance to figure out what I need?”

“Of course, dear.” Frigga pressed a kiss on the top of his head and squeezed Tony’s arm as she left.

The two could feel the silence stretching between them and surprisingly Loki broke it first. “Thank you for taking care of my room. It will take some time but I will pay you back.”

“You don’t have to do that, just consider it a get well soon gift.” Tony lingered awkwardly in the doorway. When he realized that Loki wasn’t going to speak he sighed. “How are you doing?”

Loki sighed, he wished Tony would just leave. He thought he had made his feelings clear in the hospital but Tony didn’t know when to quit. “I’m fine.”

“You may be able to lie to your mother but you can’t fool me. Why won’t you let me help you?

“I told you, I don’t want your help.”

“Why? I know I fucked up but before that we were good, we were friends.” Tony knew he should stop, even from this distance he could see that Loki was trembling. He needed to take a breath, to walk away before he pushed the other student too far but he could not stop. “What did I do to make you hate me so much?”

Loki twisted his hands in his lap and swallowed back tears. “I don’t hate you.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I…” Loki licked his lips as he attempted to organize his thoughts. “It’s not you. It’s just…I don’t know what else to say.” He cursed as he felt the tears finally break free. “Please, Tony, just leave me alone.”

“No.”

Loki’s head snapped to the side so quickly that his neck popped. “What?”

“No matter what you say I know that the last thing you need is to be alone right now.”

“How do you know that?”

Tony took a few tentative steps forward. “Because I’m as fucked up as you are. I always wanted to be left alone when I was feeling down, there’s nothing better than wallowing in your own self-pity in solitude.”

“You still do that,” Loki replied while scrubbing at his face.

“True, but not as much as I did. After my mom died I was a mess, I couldn’t function and refused to speak to anyone about it. Pepper and Rhodey finally got tired of it and forced me to deal with my shit and literally dragged me out of my room. I hated them for awhile but eventually I realized that they did what they did because they were my friends, that they cared about me.” He sat down on the bed far enough away to keep Loki from feeling crowded. “I’m sorry about what I did, if I could take it back I would but I can’t. What I can do is help you. You don’t need a babysitter and you have a mother but if you need anything please know that you can come to me.”

Loki was silent, watching as tears dripped onto his sweats. “I’m tired, Tony. I’m so tired.”

Tony nodded. “I know.” He stood and glanced around before handing Loki a tissue. “Your homework can wait, why don’t you rest?”

“I’m sick of sleeping.”

“How about a movie?” Loki nodded his agreement and continued to look at the floor while gently getting to his feet. He attempted to unzip his hoodie but with the rush of emotions his hands were anything but steady. After few moments of struggling he felt another pair of hands cover his own.

“Let me.” Tony drew down the zipper and tossed the garment on the back of a chair. Before Loki could turn away Tony was carefully grasping his shoulders. He looked the other student up and down and shook his head slightly. “You didn’t even try to fight back, did you?”

Loki chose not to reply. He kicked off his shoes and carefully crawled into bed. It took some maneuvering so he didn’t put too much pressure on his still healing ribs but eventually he was as comfortable as he was going to get. He was surprised to hear the opening of one of his favorite magic documentaries and felt something sharp twist in his abdomen. Tony placed his backpack next to the bed and left the remote and a bottle of water on the bedside table.

To Loki's surprise Tony didn't leave, he made himself comfortable in the desk chair before pulling out his phone. "You're staying?"

"I thought I'd stay for a little while and make sure you're okay. I can leave if you want me to."

Loki gave a one shouldered shrug. He attempted to focus on the television but his concentration was shot. He wanted to rage at Tony, to yell and scream at him to just leave him in peace but he didn't have the energy. He knew that Tony was stubborn but Loki was broken and eventually Tony would get tired or bored and leave, it was inevitable. Everyone always left and Loki was patient, he could wait and was only a matter of time until it was alone once more.

~*~

It was no surprise that it took no time for Loki to get caught up with his missed schoolwork. He worked like a man possessed, only eating or sleeping when Tony insisted. Sometimes Loki listened to him and sometimes he snarled at the other student until the engineer stalked off while throwing his hands up in exasperation. For some reason Tony kept coming back but Loki knew better, it was only a matter of time before he pushed too far and was left alone once more.

The nightmares began a week before he was scheduled to start attending classes once more. Most of the bruises were gone and his ribs were still sore but were healing well. He’d met with Dr. Cho twice and when she gently mentioned that he looked tired he confessed to the nightmares. He didn’t go into too much detail but he did confide that they were about the attack. To this day he could still feel each blow and remember how he prayed for it to be over and afterwards he prayed for death just to make the pain stop. When Dr. Cho asked if the assailant had been captured Loki flinched then shook his head. She suggested meditation and possibly hypnosis which Loki adamantly refused. He was too afraid that he would say Thor’s name and his family was dealing with enough grief at the moment.

“Aside from the nightmares how is the new regimen? You are taking your vitamins, correct?”

Loki nodded. It had been expensive but Loki had refused to allow his mother to buy the multitude of vitamins that Dr. Cho had suggested. So far they seemed to be helping, his mood swings were less severe, but he was so depressed and despondent that he wasn’t sure how much help the vitamins would be in the long run. “Is there something I can take to help me sleep?”

Dr. Cho frowned. “I’m hesitant to prescribe something to you but an over the counter sleeping pill or something homeopathic shouldn’t hurt.” She jotted a few things down on a slip of paper. “Try these. Only take them when you can’t sleep and don’t take them every night.”

The rest of the session was rather tame and Loki pretended that he didn’t feel Dr. Cho’s eyes on him as he left the building. When he returned home he sank onto the end of the bed and ran a hand through his hair. This had to stop. He’d lost track of how many times he had woken up screaming, arching in pain as his still-healing body protested the movement. He knew that another confrontation could likely result in his death but he had to risk it. This had gone on for too long and Loki was tired of being afraid.

~*~

Loki was so nervous that he was nearly sick as he climbed the familiar stairs. He took several deep breaths to steady himself before knocking on the door. His breath caught when the door swung open and very familiar eyes met his own.

“Loki.”

“Hello, Thor. May I come in?”

The blonde nearly tripped over his own feet in his haste. “Of course, of course.”

Loki noticed Thor glancing outside and shook his head. “It’s just me.”

“How-“

“No.” Loki hated how his voice caught and he swallowed hard. “No, you don’t get to ask how I am doing.”

Thor nodded. “Can I get you anything? Something to drink or eat?”

Loki shook his head and sat down in a battered armchair, placing the coffee table between the two of them. “I never told the police or mother or anyone what happened and I will continue to keep my silence if you can answer me one question: Why? What did I do to make you hate me so much?”

For a long time the blonde was silent. He folded his hands in his lap and started hard at them. Finally he wet his lips and began to speak, his voice surprisingly soft. “Honestly? I don’t know. I don’t hate you, Loki. You’re my brother and I love you.”

“You have a strange way of showing your affection.”

Thor winced and nodded. “I know.” He leaned back and scrubbed his hands over his face. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lately I’ve just been so angry. It’s like I have no control.”

Loki frowned, this wasn’t what he was expecting when he came to confront Thor. He expected the blonde to cry and to beg him for forgiveness. For Thor to admit that his anger was getting the best of him was a surprise. “What do you mean?”

It took the blonde a few minutes to collect his thoughts. “Sometimes when I get angry, I mean so angry that I literally see red, it’s like my brain switches off. I can see myself doing something but I have no control over it.”

“When did this start?”

Thor shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s been going on for a few months. The first time I really noticed it was over Thanksgiving. One moment I’m sitting in my room and the next I’m staring at a hole in the wall. Loki, I’m not making excuses but I don’t even remember picking up that bowl or throwing it at you. That’s why when mother asked what was going on I told her that I didn’t know. I eventually made up some bullshit excuse to make her happy because I wasn’t sure she would understand.”

Loki’s mind was reeling. “Why didn’t you say anything? You could have talked to me and you could have talked to mother, she’s more understanding than you think she is.”

“Don’t you get it? If I said anything to mother then she would have talked to father. I’m positioned to take over the company, do you really think he would hand over the reins to someone who has anger issues?”

A laugh bubbled out of Loki’s lips. “You think Odin doesn’t have issues? Why do you think that mother divorced him? You might believe that I’m the reason for the divorce, that I’ve been whispering lies in her ears but if you believe that then you do not know mother very well. Once she has made up her mind it’s damn near impossible to change it.” Loki leaned forward slightly, wincing at the pull in his ribs. “Listen to me. Odin is a manipulative, abusive, horrid excuse of a human being who uses threats and intimidation to get his way. Why do you think he hates me so much?”

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“Bullshit. I decided early on that I would not allow him to control me and that’s why we’ve always been at odds with each other. But you’re the golden child, the one that he can groom and manipulate into the face of his company. I know I’m right but I’m not going to argue with you on the matter, that’s between you and your conscience.” He brushed his hair behind his ears and forced Thor to meet his eyes. “What I do want to know is this: did you have a blackout when you came after me? Tell me the truth, Thor, I can always tell when you’re lying.”

The blonde squirmed under the intense gaze. “When father told me that mother was divorcing him I was floored, I had no idea that there were any problems between them. Then I remembered the time that you spent with her over the holidays and that was the first place that my mind went. I was sure that you had convinced her to divorce father and something inside of me just snapped. I don’t remember leaving or even arriving at your dorm. When I saw you I couldn’t think and it was like I was watching myself in a movie or something. I…I just wanted you to hurt. I was in so much pain, my family was falling apart and I wanted you to feel that too. It wasn’t until…until it was over that I realized what I had done. I started running and didn’t stop until I was back here. Somewhere along the way I was sick and I sat in the shower until there was no water left. I kept waiting for that knock on the door from the police but nothing ever came.”

Loki was shocked to see that Thor was crying. In all of their years together he couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Thor cry.

“I’m so sorry, Loki. I know those words are useless but I am. I’ll do whatever you want. If you want to call the police go ahead, if you want to tell mother I won’t stop you. Whatever punishment you deem appropriate I’ll accept.”

Part of Loki wanted revenge, he wanted to watch Thor suffer but the other part of him hurt to see the man he had called brother in pain. It might blow up in his face but Loki was willing to give Thor the benefit of the doubt. “Thor, look at me. Before I make a decision I want you to know exactly what you did.” He held up his phone and watched the blood drain from the blonde’s face. It was a half-assed selfie showing the extent of the damage of his upper body. “An orbital fracture, a fractured jaw, a broken nose, three bruised ribs, two broken ribs and heavy bruising on nearly half of my body.” Loki could feel his lower lip tremble. “You nearly killed me. You say that you love me you nearly killed me. If you’re telling the truth look me in the eye and tell me what you said wasn’t a lie.”

Thor’s breath hitched. “I swear it. I couldn’t stop myself. I would never do anything to hurt you, Loki. I nearly lost you when…when you…” He paused to messily wipe his nose on his sleeve. “I can still feel how cold and how small you felt in my arms, I would never do that to you…I swear it.” It was odd to see the blonde’s shoulders hitch with sobs. Warily Loki walked over to the couch and placed a hand on Thor’s back. “What’s happening to me, Loki?”

“I don’t know but I do believe you.” Thor’s head whipped to the side, his eyes bright. “You haven’t been yourself lately and even though we’ve never really gotten along I…I know you would never do anything to intentionally harm me.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet. You need to get help before you hurt someone else or yourself. I’ve been going to this therapist and I want you to give her a call. She’s probably going to recommend anger management or something like that. You have to do as she says. If you follow her directions and get help I’ll keep this between us. If you decide to tell mother or Odin it’s up to you.”

Thor nodded and turned towards Loki. “I’ll do whatever it takes. For what it’s worth I do love you and I hope someday I will be able to earn your forgiveness.” Loki nodded and squeezed Thor’s shoulder gently. “Would you like a ride back to campus?”

“No, I need to think. A walk will help clear my head.”

~*~

When Loki arrived back at the dorm he was shaking so hard that he could barely get the key into the lock. His legs itched and he needed to let these emotions out before the overwhelmed him. He paused and remembered Dr. Cho’s kind words. He also remembered his deal with Thor; how could he make Thor go to therapy while ignoring the instructions of his own therapist? Instead of grabbing a blade he carefully made his way upstairs. When Tony answered the door he immediately pulled the shorter student into a tight hug. Tony was shocked but returned the gesture gently. He carefully maneuvered the two of them to sit on his bed.

“Loki? What’s wrong? You’re shaking.”

“I…I went to see Thor.”

Immediately Tony pulled back and looked him over. “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”

A hiccup slipped past Loki’s lips as he shook his head. “No but…there’s something wrong with him.”

Tony frowned. “What do you mean?”

“He told me that when he gets angry he can’t stop himself, that he feels like he’s not in control. When he came after me wasn’t the first time either.”

“Are you sure he wasn’t just using that as an excuse?”

Loki nodded. “I’m pretty sure he was telling the truth. Tony, he started crying. I don’t remember the last time I saw Thor cry. He’s scared and so am I. I’ve never seen him like this.”

“So what happens now?”

“I told him that he had to get help and gave him my therapist’s number. As long as he gets the help he needs I won’t say anything but if he doesn’t go I’m going to mother then to the police.”

“Fair enough.” Tony paused and watched as Loki’s hand clenched the blanket until his knuckles were white. “What about you? How are you holding up?”

“It hurts.”

Tony’s brow furrowed. “What hurts?”

“Everything.”

“What can I do?”

“I don’t know, just make it stop.”

“May I touch you?” After a beat Loki nodded. Carefully Tony prized his fingers from the blankets and gently massaged his hands until the knuckles weren’t so red and angry. “Have I told you the story about our old butler, Jarvis?"

“No.”

“How familiar are you with the story of Capitan America and Agent Peggy Carter?” Tony wasn’t the best storyteller but he knew these tales like the back of his hand. As he spoke he never stopped touching Loki. He massaged the tight shoulders, squeezed his knee, toyed with his fingers and gently scratched his scalp until he felt the tension drain out of the taller student. They ended up laying side by side, their hands barely brushing as Tony regaled them with the surprising heroics of his childhood butler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, okay...let me explain. Part of this is to be blamed on reading way too many Berserker!Thor fics. Also, I need Thor to be around for reasons. I know it's not what you expected but I couldn't make him the complete villain.
> 
> I swear that I feel like Oprah. 'You get therapy! You get therapy! Everyone gets therapy!'


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? Another update? Can it be?
> 
> Who wants some fluff?!? This chapter was never supposed to see the light of day but I've given up trying to reign these two in. I figured after everything that they've been through they needed some love. *insert wicked grin here* Enjoy it while you can.
> 
> To everyone who has left comments or kudos...I love you all so much. This past weekend was brutal but I went through and read all of the comments on this fic and it made me smile. Okay, it made me cry but in a good way!

The next few weeks were difficult for everyone. Thor dutifully went to therapy as well as anger management weekly. He was embarrassed but was determined to make things right with Loki. He even went so far as to text pictures of the receipts from his appointments to Loki until the younger student said that the proof was no longer necessary. Neither brother had spoken to Frigga but they had agreed that the truth had to come out sooner rather than later.

Loki’s injuries healed and he buried himself in schoolwork once more. His professors told him that he didn’t need to push himself so hard but Loki refused to listen. He strove to stay at least one or two weeks ahead in his schoolwork in order to give himself enough time to complete the tasks demanded by his work study positions. Each night he fell into bed completely exhausted and slept hard until he was forced to get up and start the process all over again.

Tony attempted to spend as much time as possible with Loki but their schedules clashed and the lanky student was rarely home until the evening. Every now and then he would be able to catch Loki while he was studying and buy him a cup of coffee or try to convince him to eat but their time together was often limited to the weekends. Even then Loki was often tired and would fall asleep during a movie or Tony was on an inventing binge and could not be bothered. The two knew that there was a lot left unsaid between them but neither one wanted to be the first to breech the topic.

Loki was attempting to stay awake in his advanced calculus class when a knock at the door made everyone, including the professor, snap to attention. A dark haired young woman stuck her head into the room. “Sorry to interrupt, professor. I need to borrow Mr. Odinson.” With a frown and a promise from another student to send him the notes, he gathered his books and slipped into the hall.

“What’s going on? Am I in some sort of trouble?”

The woman shook her head. “No. My name is Misty Knight, I’m one of the dean’s P.As. There was an accident in one of the engineering labs and Mr. Stark has you listed as his emergency contact.”

Loki’s blood ran cold and he stopped short. “What happened? Is Tony okay?”

The woman patted his arm. “There was some type of explosion and Mr. Stark was thrown away from the blast. Most of his injuries seemed relatively minor and he was transported to the hospital for treatment of a burn.” She paused and frowned. “I don’t mean to pry but why would he list you as your emergency contact and not his parents?”

“His mother died and his father…he…he travels a lot. I had no idea that Tony had me listed as his contact. Our families are friends so maybe that was why.”

Misty narrowed her eyes but after a moment she nodded. “Do you have a car?” Loki shook his head. “Okay, I’ll give you a ride.”

Loki was sick to death of the hospital and it didn’t take long for him to find Tony’s room. The student’s face was scuffed and bruised and thick gauze was wrapped around his chest. His arms and hands bore small bruises and cuts but overall he didn’t seem too worse for the wear. Loki hadn’t been sitting for too long before Tony started to stir. “We have to stop meeting like this.”

Tony snorted and winced at the pull in his chest. “What are you doing here?”

“Apparently I’m your emergency contact.”

The engineer’s face cycled through several emotions. “Oh…I forgot about that. I can change it if you want.”

“It’s fine.” Loki looked Tony up and down. “What happened?”

“Stupid Hammer.”

“Pardon? Are you blaming inanimate objects now?”

“No, there’s this student, Justin Hammer. He thinks he’s hot shit but I’m pretty sure he can’t even tie his own shoes. We’ve been working on this prototype and all of my calculations show a failure in the system. He comes in this morning declaring that he has the solution. Instead of running the simulation he makes his own adjustments to the prototype before anyone can stop him. The next thing I know I’m flying through the air and there’s a lot of fire. I must have banged my head pretty hard because I woke up here. The doctor said that a piece of the prototype landed on my chest while it was on fire and gave me a pretty nasty burn. They’re running a few more tests and I should be able to go home soon.”

“Well…I…uh…I’m glad you’re okay.”

Tony easily picked up on Loki’s discomfort. “You didn’t have to come.”

Loki shrugged. “It’s the least I could do. Plus, it got me out of calculus.”

The engineer laughed then winced before turning serious. He reached out and gently grasped Loki’s wrist. “Thanks for coming.”

After a beat Loki adjusted his grip and gently laced his fingers with Tony's. “Any time.”

~*~

Loki was granted the rest of the afternoon off and helped Tony get settled back at the dorm. He was given a salve for the burn on his chest and some painkillers to help him get past the worst of the pain. After helping Tony get settled onto the bed Loki turned to leave but Tony stopped him.

“Can you stay? Just for a little while?”

Loki nodded and moved a mound of clothes off of a chair. “Do you want to watch a movie or something?”

Tony shook his head and chewed his bottom lip for a moment. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“What are we doing?”

“What do you mean?”

Tony toyed with the edge of the gauze covering his wound. “You and me. We hate each other then we’re close then we’re not. What is this? Whatever it is, it’s exhausting.”

Loki hung his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing, this isn’t your fault.”

“Yes it is. I told you before, I’m difficult. You’ve been nothing but kind to me. You’ve given me space when I needed it, taken care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself, stayed by my side through everything that has happened and I’ve fought you every step of the way.”

It was quiet for a moment then Tony swallowed hard. “If you don’t want me here then just say the word and I’ll leave you alone.”

The silence this time was even longer. “I…I don’t want that.”

“Then what can I do? Please tell me how to fix this.”

Loki twisted his hands together in his lap. “You can’t fix me. I…I’m too broken to be fixed.”

“I’m an engineer, I fix things that are broken.”

“Not this.”

“Come here…please.” It wasn’t until Tony made a move to get up that Loki obeyed. He sat next to Tony but turned away, his eyes on the floor. Tony gently squeezed his knee but Loki refused to look at him. “Talk to me, Lokes. What’s wrong? You’re shaking and you’re starting to freak me out.”

For years Loki had pushed people away to keep himself from getting hurt but never had anyone fought the way that Tony had. Most people deemed him a waste of time but Tony was different. He was terrified to lose this, he wasn’t sure how he would survive if Tony suddenly decided to walk away. Part of him told him to leave right now but another part, the part that made his stomach ache and twist, told him to stay and to fight for what he wanted.

He licked his lips and let out a slow breath. “I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“That you’ll leave. Everyone always gets tired of me and eventually leaves. I…I don’t know what I’ll do when you get sick of me.”

The sheets rustled as Tony carefully pulled himself into a seated positon. He grasped Loki’s shoulders and bodily turned the student to face him. Loki refused to raise his eyes and Tony ended up talking to the crown of his head. “Loki, listen to me. I’m not going anywhere. Do you know why I keep coming back to you? Because you’re challenging. If you just went along with everything I would have gotten bored months ago. Yes, you’re an asshole but so am I. But you’re brilliant and have the quickest wit and sharpest tongue of anyone that I have ever met. Loki, you’re my friend and I care about you and I’m not going anywhere.”

Loki finally raised his eyes to meet Tony’s. What he saw there made his stomach to a little flip. “I’m sorry, Tony, for everything.”

“Stop apologizing, you have nothing to be sorry for. Hell, if you're apologizing then I might as well add mine to the mix.” He took a deep breath and allowed his hands to find Loki's. "I'm sorry about what happened between us on New Years. We were drunk and half asleep and I should have just stopped for a moment before assuming that you would be okay with it.

"Tony, if memory serves me well I don't remember telling you to stop."

"I know but I also know _you_. I should have known it was too much too soon and I'm sorry."

Loki nodded and squeezed Tony's hands. "You scared me today. When I heard that there had been an accident in the lab I think I stopped breathing. I...I'm not very good at this but I didn't realize how much you meant to me until I heard that you were hurt."

"How do you think I felt?" Tony reached up to gently touch Loki's cheek. "You should have seen Rhodey's face when he found you. I thought he had seen a ghost. When I saw you there...god...I thought you were dead. I was afraid to touch you, it was Rhodey who made sure you were breathing. For days every time I closed my eyes I saw you lying there. I promised that I wouldn't push you, that I would let you deal with it on your own but when you told me to leave that fucking _hurt_."

Loki's face fell and his heart sank. "I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back. I...I was convinced that you wouldn't want anything to do with me. You wouldn't want be associate with anyone so weak and so broken. I didn't want you to have to deal with all of my issues and baggage and I couldn't run so I pushed. Most people don't bother coming back."

"I'm not most people."

"Why do you keep coming back?"

 _'Because I love you, you idiot.'_ "Because I couldn't imagine anyone letting someone as amazing as you go."

Loki's cheeks flushed. “Can we…do you think we can we start over? Maybe try this again?”

A soft smile spread across Tony’s lips. “Of course only if you promise me that you won't go running off again. I meant what I said, I'm here for you.”

"I promise but only if you do the same for me. I know things haven't been easy but if you need me, I don't care how busy I am, please come to me. I worry when you're locked away in your lab for so long."

"Deal."

Carefully Loki wrapped his arms around Tony in a gentle hug. The engineer returned the embrace, the tension slowly easing from his shoulders. The movement was so natural, so right that they both wondered why they hadn't done this sooner. The answer was easy, they were both stubborn bastards who were raised to suppress any emotions. With a single action the two decided to throw those teachings to the side and follow their feelings instead.

Eventually the two ended up laying together, Tony’s head pillowed on Loki’s chest. Tony's thumb found a small patch of bare skin on Loki's hip while Loki toyed with the engineer's hair. “Tony, can I ask you something?”

“Hmm…?”

"Why did you use me as your emergency contact?"

Tony's frame stiffened for a moment. "Because I don't have anyone else. I know I could call Pepper and Rhodey but...I don't know. If I was hurt I...I'd rather open my eyes and see you sitting there.

Something warm bloomed in the pit of Loki's stomach. He pressed a kiss to the top of Tony's head and pulled the engineer closer, careful of his healing wound. "Thank you for not giving up on me, Tony. I'm glad that you decided to stick around. I'm not used to having friends, to have people care about me but I'm trying. I promise that I'm trying." Tony didn't reply but Loki felt the smile through the thin material of his shirt.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again another chapter that wasn't meant to happen. It's sweet and fluffy and smutty and I wrote it in a rush so as usual all mistakes are mine.
> 
> I'm really struggling with the next part of this story so please be patient. Feel free to subscribe or read my other works but please be patient with me, I'm too invested to give up on this story.
> 
> As usual comments and kudos warm my cold, black heart and in all seriousness thank you to everyone who has read this. I never thought it would get this far.

“I like it, I think it gives you character.”

Tony snorted and Loki felt it reverberate against his skin. The two had a rare Saturday off and had spent the majority of it together. Loki was more than content to spend the day at the dorm reading or catching up on movies but Tony was going stir crazy and wanted to get away from campus. Eventually Loki had given in but didn't want anything too stressful. They had driven into the city to catch a movie then lunch and topped off the day wandering aimlessly through the mall. More than once they had caught themselves walking hand in hand but after awhile they stopped pulling away from each other. Loki even allowed Tony to slip his arm around his waist and even though his anxiety was creeping up on him it was worth it to see the secret grin on the engineer’s face. 

Loki had decided to spend the night in Tony’s room, _’My room is too far and my feet are sore from walking around all day_ , and the two were sprawled on Tony’s bed when Loki had asked to see Tony’s scar. At first the other student was hesitant. The wound had healed well but it had left a sunburst of scar tissue on his chest. The doctors had offered a skin graft and even though he knew Howard would pay for it he still refused. Eventually Tony had tugged his shirt off and Loki twisted, propping himself on his elbows to get a closer look.

“Does it hurt?”

Tony shook his head. “No. Actually there’s not much feeling in it at all.”

A dark eyebrow was raised. “Really?” Loki gently touched the center of the scar and glanced up at Tony’s face. The engineer shook his head and Loki made it his mission to find an area that elicited some type of reaction. Tony chuckled as Loki gently poked and prodded at the scar, a slight frown scrunching his face as he concentrated. It wasn’t until he touched the edge where new skin met old did he get a response. The moment his finger touched the skin Tony sucked in a breath and Loki immediately withdrew his hand. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

“No it’s just…that’s really sensitive. I guess I never noticed it.”

“Oh yeah?” Loki’s grin went from innocent to wicked in about three seconds flat. He carefully traced the edge of the scar with one finger, taking notice of which areas induced the strongest reaction. The skin near Tony’s stomach made him laugh while the skin near his collarbone made him hiss. The area near his nipples made his back arch and his fingers tighten in the sheets. Tony could feel his body responding to Loki’s touch and with the way the other student was draped over him he knew soon it would be obvious how much this was affecting him.

“Lokes…” he started, his voice slightly rough with arousal.

“Yes, Tony?” Loki’s eyes were dark and Tony could see the slight tremble in the elegant hands.

“If you want to stop just say the word.”

Loki was silent for a moment before meeting Tony’s eyes. “And what if I don’t want to stop?”

Tony reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind Loki’s ear. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” The answer was slightly breathless and shaking but Loki’s eyes shone with arousal, not fear.

“We’ll go at your pace, okay? You say stop and this ends. I mean it. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Alright then. Now get up here, I’ve been wanting to kiss you all day.”

Loki chuckled and slid up the bed until his face was hovering over Tony’s. "What was stopping you? 

Tony's eyes darkened. "You mean you wouldn't have minded if I would have ignored the movie and spent the entire time kissing you?" He watched as Loki's pupils dilated. "Pushed the armrest out the way and put my hands on you? How long do you think you could stay quiet? How long do you think I could wait before it became too much and I dragged you home?"

"How are you even real?" breathed Loki as his eyes fluttered shut. "And why do you even bother with me? You're sexy and confident and I'm too scared to leave my own room."

Tony brushed Loki's hair away from his face. "Because you're wonderful. I love watching your cheeks flush when I tease you and believe me, you're just and sexy and confident...I wish you could see yourself through my eyes." 

Loki blushed and ducked his head. "I don't believe you but I still want to kiss you."

"Then I need to work harder, now come here." The other student grinned before pulling Loki down into a kiss. The kiss was gentle at first, their lips barely moving as they both grew accustomed to the feeling. Loki pulled back first, his tongue flicking over his lower lip before bending his head and catching Tony’s mouth once more. The kiss was slower and deeper as Tony adjusted his grip, one hand in his hair and the other wrapping itself around his waist. He pulled the taller student closer and groaned when Loki shifted to properly straddle his hips. It took every ounce of self control that Tony possessed not to arch his hips up. He was forcing himself to go slowly and to let Loki control the pace but he thought he might explode if he didn’t get some friction soon.

Loki pulled back from the kiss and braced himself with his hands on either side of Tony’s head. He glanced down at the engineer in something like awe. The other student’s eyes were dark with arousal, his lips were swollen and a slight flush was creeping up his chest. Loki had done that to him. This was not by any stretch of the imagination his first sexual encounter but this was the first time he had wanted someone this much. He wanted to see Tony fall apart, to see his face contort in pleasure because of him. 

With a soft growl Loki bent his head once more and when his tongue pressed against the seam of Tony’s lips there was only a minuscule pause before Tony was eagerly letting him in. Loki teased Tony with his tongue before retreating and encouraging the other to reciprocate. Tony tightened his fingers in Loki’s hair and swallowed the groan that spilled from his lips. Loki was still holding himself above Tony but it was possible to feel his arousal through the thin material of his pajama pants. In a bold move Tony arched his back and grinned against Loki’s lips as he felt the answering hardness brush against his own. Like a puppet with its strings cut, Loki’s body sank down to cover Tony’s and they both broke the kiss to moan.

Loki shoved his thigh between Tony’s and nipped sharply at the other’s bottom lip. He kissed his way across Tony’s jaw to the junction between neck and shoulder where he set about sucking a mark as their hips rolled together.

Tony slid his hand from Loki’s waist to boldly grab at his ass forcing Loki to move in a harder rhythm. He arched his back as Loki’s teeth sank into the skin of his neck then soothed the bite with a hot and slick tongue. He wanted to whine as Loki moved away but the feeling of kisses being pressed to his collarbone and even lower kept him silent. So lost in the sensation Tony missed the wicked look Loki gave him before bending his head and pressing a kiss to the seam where fresh skin met scar tissue.

The sound that left Tony would have been embarrassing if he wasn’t so focused on Loki’s tongue gently tracing each and every line of his scar. The sensation was so intense that Tony was afraid that he would lose it from this simple touch alone. Loki was working his tongue against a whorl of scar tissue and Tony had to fight to keep himself under control. “Stop…Loki stop…”

Immediately Loki pulled his mouth away and moved until he was eye to eye with Tony once more. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”

Tony chuckled and used his thumbs to smooth the crease on Loki’s brow. “No it’s just…you’re a little too good at that, you know what I mean?”

A blush spread adorably across Loki’s cheeks. “Do you…is it okay if I kiss you again?” Tony nodded and the two traded slow kisses until Tony’s libido was under control. Once he started to roll his hips against Loki’s once more the taller student took that as permission to move forward. Loki kissed his way down Tony’s neck and chest once more, only pausing to tease the tender skin around the scar for a moment and chuckling at the shudder that ran through Tony’s body at the action.

Loki paused when he reached the waistband of Tony’s pajama pants. His hands were shaking and he ran his fingers along the hard length to mask his nervousness. He felt a gentle touch on his shoulder and turned to look at Tony. “Whatever happens tonight is up to you. If you want to stop just say the word, I won’t be angry. I may need a few moment alone in the bathroom but I won’t be angry.”

An unexpected laugh fell from Loki’s lips and he leaned up to kiss Tony gently. “Thank you. I want this…it’s just…I’m nervous.”

“Don’t be. It’s just me.”

Loki smiled and pulled Tony into another kiss. He rolled until they were both on their sides, limbs tangled together as they slowly rocked against each other. The position was familiar, they often slept like this and the comfortable position eased his nerves. Eventually Loki was brave enough to dip his hand beneath Tony’s waistband his fingers ghosting along the curve of his ass. Tony made a sound that was suspiciously like a whimper and pressed back into Loki’s hand. With a hiss Loki tightened his grip and used his position to drag them even closer together. The kiss was broken and Tony tucked his face into Loki’s neck in an attempt to muffle his sounds as Loki’s long fingers explored. His hands were so big that they nearly covered an entire cheek and when his middle finger dipped down to press against his entrance he all but begged.

Abruptly Loki pulled back to look down at Tony. “You…you’d let me…you want me to take you?”

Tony shook his head to clear it and frowned. “If you want to. Have you never…?”

The fair cheeks flushed red. “I’ve always bottomed. The guys I was with…it um…it was never an option. I don’t mind, I enjoy it but…”

He averted his eyes and Tony gently gripped his chin, forcing their eyes to meet. “Loki, I meant what I said. This is your show. I don’t care if you top or bottom or none of the above. I just want to be with you, okay?”

Loki nodded then took a shaky breath. “Can we just kiss some more?” He hated how nervous and shy he was. At least he knew that he could kiss well but by now he knew Tony must be tiring of the action.

“Of course.”

Loki allowed Tony to lay him down and cover his body with his more compact one. Their kisses started out slow but it didn’t take long for the heat to return. After tugging his shirt off Loki cried out as Tony sucked a bruise into the soft spot under his ear, fire flowing through his veins as the engineer laved the tender skin with his tongue. He was so lost in his pleasure that he didn’t notice the engineer’s hands tugging down his pajama pants until it was too late. Even though his eyes were closed he could feel Tony go still and he turned his head away, unwilling to meet the other’s eyes.

Tony felt his tongue turn to lead as he took in the dozens of thin scars adorning Loki’s legs. Many of them were old and fading but many, too many of them were new and freshly healed. Some were perfectly straight while others were jagged and looked extremely painful. His hand hovered over the pale skin when a broken sound made him glance up. Loki was twisted away, his upper body at an impossible angle while his hands covered his face. Tony quickly scrambled up the bed and pulled Loki into his arms. “Hey…hey now…don’t cry. It’s okay. Don’t cry.”

“I should go,” Loki attempted to get up but Tony tightened his grip.

“Please don’t leave.” Tony knew Loki was about to bolt, he could feel the tense muscles beneath his hands.

“I can’t stay.”

“Why?” Tony smoothed his hand down Loki’s back in an attempt to make him relax. “I’ll let you go if you give me a good reason.”

“Because now you can see how fucked up and broken I am.”

“And I’m not?” Tony paused to wipe a tear from Loki’s cheek. “Loki, what did you think my reaction was going to be?”

A pale shoulder rose and fell. “Angry or disappointed, I guess. Maybe disgusted.” He turned his head away in shame. “Now you can see how weak I am.”

Tony shook his head. “Loki, the moment I saw your scars my heart broke. I knew you were struggling, that you were in pain but I had no idea it was this bad. But never believe that your scars are a sign of weakness. They’re proof that even though life tried to shove you down you fought back and survived. I mean it, okay?” He paused to swallow back his own emotions. “Are…are any of those because of me?”

“What?”

“Some of those cuts are fairly new. Did you ever hurt yourself because of me?”

Loki snapped his head up. “No, Tony, never. I cut because I couldn’t handle stress or I was so numb that I needed to feel something rather than nothing. I never cut because of something you said or did. In fact…the last few times I’ve wanted to hurt myself I came to you instead.”

Tony’s eyes widened. “What?”

“It’s true. I’ve been coming to you because I wanted to get better and you make me feel better.”

A deep kiss was Tony’s response and Loki felt himself melting into the touch. “Please don’t stop. I mean it. I don’t care if I’m in class or if I’m on a science binge. You come to me the moment you need me, okay?”

Loki nodded and allowed Tony to pull him close once more. For a long time they simply laid together with Tony’s hand protectively covering one of Loki’s thighs. Loki shivered and Tony broke the embrace to pull a blanket over the two of them. Slowly Loki began to relax and eventually he reached for Tony. It was like second nature to pull the engineer close and the fact that Tony hadn't run off or reprimanded him eased the pressure surrounding his heart.

Eventually their mouths found each other and they traded soft kisses. Tony wanted to ease Loki’s mind and Loki needed the assurance that Tony wasn’t going to kick him out just because of his scars. "Please don't leave, please don't ask me to go."

"I'm not going anywhere," breathed Tony and Loki made a soft sound in his throat.

Eventually the heat began to pool between them once more and their gentle kisses began to become more heated. Tony shoved the blanket to the floor and kissed Loki with reverence, touching each part of his body as though it was an act of worship. From the tips of his fingers to the hollow of his hip, each touch and kiss was so purposeful and full of so much emotion that it forced Loki to blink tears away.

When Tony reached his thighs his muscles tensed and a gasp left his lips when he felt Tony lower his head. The engineer was kissing his scars. Careful not to miss a single one, Tony took his time with one leg then the other, kissing and occasionally nipping at the skin of Loki’s thighs. He wanted to show Loki that his scars were nothing to be ashamed of, that he should be proud of them because they showed that he had struggled but still survived.

By the time that Tony reached the top of Loki’s thighs the dark haired student had all but melted into the bed and his arousal was hard and straining once more. A gasp left Loki’s lips as Tony wrapped a hand around his length and began to stroke. The engineer’s hands were rough but his grip was perfect and Loki arched into the sensation.

Tony watched Loki’s reactions carefully and couldn’t help but smirk at the groan that left his lips when he leaned forward and allowed the head to sink into his mouth. He could feel the tension in Loki’s body as he tried not to thrust as Tony slowly took more of the length into his mouth. Slowly he slid down the shaft until his lips met his fist and while flicking his eyes up towards Loki he began to bob his head. Loki gasped and tightened his hands in the sheets until his knuckles were white.

Tony kept the rhythm slow as he ran his hands along Loki’s thighs, his thumbs gently teasing the raised scars. He felt the fingers of one of Loki’s hands thread through his hair, not guiding but seemingly using him as an anchor as he picked up speed. Carefully Tony slid further down, relishing Loki’s moan as his length pressed into Tony’s throat. The two found a steady rhythm, Tony’s hands encouraging Loki to roll his hips harder and faster as the dark haired student began to fall apart. Tony could tell that Loki was getting close, his hips were losing their smooth rhythm and his cries began to become breathless. Before he hit his peak he was dragging Tony off of his cock and into a kiss.

By now Tony was painfully hard, a dark wet spot forming on the front of his pajama pants from his ignored arousal. “Please…” he breathed against Loki’s lips and the other student gently rolled him onto his back. “Side drawer.”

"Are you sure?" Loki couldn't believe that this was happening, that Tony was actually willing to submit to him like this.

"I'm sure. Are you okay with this?" Loki absently nodded and Tony gently grasped his wrist. "I need a yes or a no, Loki. We can stop right now if you want to."

Loki squeezed his eyes shut. "I do want this but...I don't want to disappoint you."

Tony sat up and urged Loki to meet his eyes. "You could never disappoint me. I want this, I want _you_ but I never want you to feel pressured to do anything that you're not comfortable with."

Loki pressed a soft kiss to Tony's lips and smiled. "Thank you, Tony."

Gently he pressed on Tony's shoulders and nipped at the brunette's swollen bottom lip before stretching across the bed, his stomach brushing Tony’s arousal and making him hiss. After rolling on a condom he eased Tony’s pants down and slowly ran his hands up Tony’s thighs. His hands were shaking but one of Tony's warm hands gently clasping his arm calmed his nerves. Loki took his time preparing Tony, teasing him open with one, two and finally three fingers. When he found Tony's prostate the sounds that fell from the engineer's lips seemed to be a mash up of curse words in several languages and Loki watched in awe, he couldn't believe that he was the one making Tony lose control like this. Once Tony was rolling his hips down onto Loki’s fingers Loki deemed him ready and gently removed his fingers.

“Are you sure you want this? We can stop…” Loki’s voice shook and Tony took one of his hands in his own.

“Of course I want this. I want you.”

Loki hesitated and Tony pulled him down into a kiss. "Do you want me to be on top?" Again Loki wondered how he had gotten so lucky to find someone like Tony who knew exactly what to say or do to calm his nerves. He nodded and laughed when Tony quickly changed their positions.

The smile disappeared as Tony straddled his waist and gently grasped his cock before guiding it into his body. He gasped at the sensation and bit his bottom lip so hard it nearly bled. Even though he had been thorough with his preparation Tony was still extremely tight and he prayed that he would be able to last long enough to get Tony off first. Once he felt Tony's hips come to rest against his he rocked his hips a couple of times as if to make sure that he was inside of Tony as far as he could go, each movement of his hips shooting sparks through Tony’s entire body who was very vocal in his pleasure.

Loki reached up to grip Tony's hips and felt the engineer's hands rest on his chest as the shorter student began to move. He started off slowly at first but once he was accustomed to the situation he fell into a rhythm which steady and just this side of hard. Eventually Loki remembered that he could participate and began to roll his hips, grinning at Tony's cry. He gripped Tony's hips hard in order to keep his angle and watch as the dark head lolled back in pleasure.

Loki was thankful that Tony’s bed wasn’t flush with the wall because the headboard would be thumping a constant rhythm. Of course anyone walking by would know exactly what they were up to from the moans and cries they could not keep quiet. Loki could feel Tony's rigid length against his stomach and pried one of his hands free in order to circle his cock. Tony cried out and for a moment he couldn't decide whether to thrust into Loki's grip or onto the thick cock splitting him open.

"You're gorgeous..." murmured Loki, not realizing that the words had left his lips until Tony's eyes fluttered open.

The brown eyes were nearly black with desire and he slowed his rhythm in order to bend down and kiss Loki. As they kissed Loki rolled his hips up with more force and swallowed the groan that fell from Tony's lips. "Don't stop...please don't stop."

Loki could feel Tony tightening around him and fought to keep his rhythm steady. He began to stroke Tony's cock in counterpoint adding a twist at the top which caused the engineer to cry out. "Come for me, Tony." The words came out in a growl and Loki was shocked at the sound of his own voice.

“Harder…faster…Loki, please...” Loki instantly obeyed, his hand gripping Tony's hip hard, and it didn’t take long before Tony was shuddering against him, attempting to muffle his shout against Loki's neck.

Loki was trying to hold on but he couldn’t, his skin felt too tight and his blood ran like fire through his veins. He felt Tony’s teeth at his neck and groaned, his rhythm growing erratic. “Let go, Loki. Let me see you.” With a harsh cry Loki did just that, his fingers digging into the skin of Tony’s hips and shoulders so hard that there was no doubt that there would be bruises later.

Uncaring of the mess Tony collapsed onto Loki’s chest. Loki was shaking and he felt Tony’s fingers slowly card through his hair as they both came down. Eventually he slipped free of Tony’s body and rolled them to their side with a groan. Tony reached over to get them some tissues and they quickly cleaned themselves, too exhausted for a shower.

Tony moved first, curling around Loki and tucking his head beneath Loki’s chin. Their legs tangled together easily and almost as one they both let out a sigh. They had a lot to talk about, a lot of healing to do but right now the two were content to lay in each others arms and deal with the world later.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eghhh...I don't like this chapter but these two have a mind of their own. I was going to write in the confrontation scene but it deserves its own chapter so instead we have our boys fighting because I can't allow happiness for more than one chapter.
> 
> You guys know the drill, comments and kudos keep me sane.

Like anything with Loki and Tony the new turn of events in their relationship was anything but easy. The following morning was almost blissful; Tony woke Loki up with lazy kisses and the two crammed themselves into Tony’s tiny shower where innocent touches quickly turned heated and even though they eventually ran out of hot water neither seemed to mind. Tony pouted until Loki brought his homework up and compromised by blasting classical music instead of his usual hard rock. It was all rather domestic but of course reality had to come crashing down.

Sunday night Loki refused to stay with Tony. He always had trouble sleeping on Sundays, for some reason the anticipation of the upcoming week always bothered him and he tended to toss and turn for hours before settling down enough to sleep. He kissed Tony’s pout and promised to text in the morning. To Loki’s surprise Tony was waiting for him the next morning. It was obvious that the hour was far too early but Tony claimed that he wanted to see Loki before the day began. Part of Loki was annoyed; he loved the solitude of the mornings, it gave him time to gather his thoughts and prepare for the day. He did have to admit that Tony had made an effort to get up and he wouldn’t take that for granted.

The next roadblock came when Loki refused to hold Tony’s hand as they walked across campus. When Tony protested Loki explained that he didn’t mind showing affection when they were at the mall, they were rather anonymous there, but he wasn’t comfortable making their relationship public just yet. Tony had agreed but had been unable to hide his displeasure during their time at the coffee shop. He pointedly sat as far away from Loki and spent the majority of the time playing on his phone. Loki had swallowed his frustration and squeezed Tony’s shoulder before hurrying off to class.

Once again their schedules clashed and while both young men were frustrated it seemed like Tony was taking it the hardest. During the week it didn’t make sense to stay in each other’s rooms, Loki had to get up early and he felt bad whenever his alarm would wake Tony. The engineer suffered from insomnia as well and Loki knew how difficult it was to get back to sleep once woken up. The first week between them was tense and Loki was already questioning himself and his decision to enter an intimate relationship with Tony. He cared for the engineer, that much was simple to see, but all week Tony had been moody and distant.

It seemed like forever before they reached the weekend and Loki frowned when he blinked his eyes open in the darkness. It was a little after two in the morning on Saturday and he couldn’t figure out what had woken him. After a moment he reached for Tony and was surprised when that side of the bed was cold. Tony hadn’t gone far, the engineer sat on the edge of the bed with his head bowed. “Tony?”

The response took so long that Loki considered repeating himself. Eventually a soft voice that sounded nothing like Tony broke the silence. “Do you want this?”

Loki scrubbed a hand over his face, it was far too early for conversations. “Want what?”

“This. Do…do you want me?”

A frown crossed Loki’s face. “Of course I want you, what gave you the idea that I didn’t?”

Tony shrugged. “You’re always busy, you don’t act like we’re together…you won’t even hold my hand.”

With a sigh Loki pushed himself up to sit against the headboard. “Tony, I’m _always_ busy. I would love to spend every day with you but that’s not possible. And by now you should know that I am not very affectionate, it still takes everything that I have not to jump when you touch me. Also, I’m not used to open relationships. Whenever I dated someone in the past I had to hide it, it wouldn’t do for Odin to have a gay son, would it? It’s going to take time for me to be comfortable with this. I’m trying, Tony, I promise that I am but…" Loki felt something inside of him break with his next words. "...but I also understand if you don’t want to wait.”

Finally Tony turned to where Loki was curled up, attempting to make himself as small as possible. He sat next to him, close but not close enough for their skin to touch. “I’m an idiot.”

“Yes you are.”

A small smile touched Tony’s lips. “I’m shit at relationships. Ask anyone, I can never seem to make them last. In fact…I…I guess I sabotage them so they won’t last.”

Loki’s voice was less than steady when he spoke. “Do you want to sabotage this one?”

Tony quickly shook his head. “No. I just…I forgot myself. I know how shy you are and how difficult certain interactions are for you and I guess I imagined that all of that would just disappear once we were together. It’s been such a long road for us to get here that I want to shout it from the rooftops, I want everyone to see you by my side. I’m sorry I pushed you so hard.”

After a moment long fingers wrapped around Tony’s and the engineer turned. He could barely make out the gleam of Loki’s eyes in the darkness but he scooted closer and let his head rest on a boney shoulder. “I’m sorry that I shut down, I should have come to you before it got this bad. I have a feeling that this isn’t going to be easy for either of us but I’m willing to try if you are.”

“Of course.” A few seconds later he snorted in laughter.

“What?”

“Look at us. Together not even a week and we’re already fighting.”

“That wasn’t a fight.”

“It wasn’t?”

Loki shook his head and moved to lay down, urging Tony to do the same. He felt strong arms circle him and he made himself comfortable with his head on Tony’s chest. “Tony, we’ve fought. I remember a certain knock-down-drag-out which involved stitches.”

“That feels like a lifetime ago.”

“Tony, I want to be here. I want to be with you. If that changes I will let you know. Have you ever know me to be subtle or passive aggressive?

Tony chuckled. “Not since you threw me out of my own party.”

Loki twisted and propped his chin against Tony’s chest. “So are we okay now?” Tony nodded and Loki stretched up to kiss him before making himself comfortable once more. “Relax…go to sleep…I’ll be here in the morning.”

~*~

“Loki? Lokes, are you with me?”

The student shook his head to clear it as he snapped to attention. He met Tony’s worried gaze and averted his eyes. “Sorry.”

“You were a million miles away, is everything alright?”

“I’m fine.” He picked halfheartedly at his meal and pretended that he couldn’t feel Tony’s eyes on him. It had taken him weeks to gather the courage to allow Tony to take him out and now he was ruining it. His fingers twitched and his legs itched for a release. The chopsticks fell to the table with a clatter and Loki sank back into the booth, his cheeks flushing in embarrassment.

Dimly he saw Tony moving and soon a strong hand was tugging him up and leading him from the restaurant. The weather was warm so the two had walked but now Loki was longing for the privacy of Tony’s car. The engineer led him down a side street and found a clean bench for them to sit on. Loki’s hands were shaking and he fisted them in his lap.

“Loki? I don’t know where you are right now but you’re with me and you’re safe. Just breathe.”

Eventually the knot in his chest eased and he wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Chinese is better leftover the next day anyway.” Tony scooted closer and covered Loki’s hand with his own. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m worried.”

“About?”

“Going home.”

“Ah.”

Loki and Thor had decided to tell Frigga about Loki’s attack over their summer break. Thor thought that the end result would find him behind bars or at least being forced to change schools in order to put as much distance between himself and Loki as possible. Loki didn’t want Thor to go to jail and was worried about Frigga’s reaction to the news. She had been through so much lately and the last thing Loki wanted was to bring her more pain. “What am I going to do, Tony? This is going to destroy mother and as angry as I am with Thor I don’t want to see him go to jail.”

“Do you think Frigga will call the police?”

A sigh left the exhausted young man. “I don’t know. She’ll probably kick him out and cut him off. If he does he won’t have anywhere to go.” He chewed on his bottom lip. “I guess he could go to Odin but…this is such a mess and…”

“Don’t you dare say that this is your fault.” Green eyes met brown and Loki was surprised at the intensity he saw there. “Loki, _none_ of this is your fault. You will drive yourself crazy with hypothetical scenarios so don’t even start. All you can do is tell your mother the truth and be there for her during the aftermath.” He wrapped an arm around the slim shoulders. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

Loki shook his head. “No. As much as I want to properly introduce mother now is not the time. If I want you to come up after the shit hits the fan I’ll let you know.”

Tony pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Let’s go home.”

Loki was quiet the entire walk back and didn’t speak until Tony tried to urge him upstairs. “Tony, I just want to sleep.”

“You can sleep in my bed.”

“It’s too hot.”

“Thanks for the compliment but the answer still is no. I’ll crank the air conditioner until I’m blue but you’re staying with me.”

The taller student yanked his hand away. “Why are you doing this? Why won’t you just leave me alone?”

“I’m worried about you.” Tony tried to keep the guilt from his voice.

“Why?”

Tony rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re upset and I don’t want…”

Anger replaced anxiety. “You don’t want what?” Loki knew what the answer would be but he wanted to hear it from Tony.”

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself!” The words were hissed through clenched teeth in an attempt to keep the entire floor from hearing their conversation.

“Do you think that I’m that weak? That every time I get upset I’m going to harm myself? It’s been weeks, Tony, weeks since I’ve done anything. I’ve wanted to but I stopped myself. And if I wanted to do you honestly think locking me away in your room would stop me? You sleep like the dead. I could get up, slice my legs to ribbons and be back in bed before you noticed anything.” Tony opened his mouth to reply and Loki held up a hand to stop him. “I don’t want to hear it. I want to be left alone. I’ll text you later.”

Loki turned and closed his door with more force than necessary, the click of the lock echoing down the empty hallway. Tony swore and trudged upstairs. It wasn’t his fault that he was worried, every time that he saw Loki’s legs something in his chest tightened and ached painfully. He probably shouldn’t have pushed Loki, the student had been drifting further and further away the closer they came to summer break but Loki was dear to Tony and he would never forgive himself if something happened to him. 

Tony was shit at emotions and was afraid that he would fuck this up before he had the chance to tell Loki how he felt. He shoved their leftovers into the fridge and sat down at his desk, attempting to find a project to lose himself in. He was craving a drink but how could he tell Loki not to harm himself and turn around only to do the same? Digging his headphones out of his desk he cranked up his music and attempted to ease his nerves in the familiar motions.

~*~

“So…you and Tony.”

Loki was crammed in the front seat of Thor’s car as they headed home for the summer. “How do you know about me and Tony?”

“It’s not that large of a campus and people talk.”

“People need to mind their own business,” Loki grumbled while attempting to sink into the seat.

“Are…are you happy?”

“What does it matter to you?”

“Tony is my friend and you are my brother, I care about both of you. I know you don’t believe me but that is what I have been trying to prove to you the last few months.”

Loki sighed. “I know I’m just stressed and worried about talking to mother.”

“Me too.”

The rest of the drive was spent in silence, each brother lost in their own thoughts. Frigga was waiting for them on the porch when they arrived. She looked as stately and as composed as ever, the only evidence of her recent stress was highlighted by streaks of grey at her temples.

Loki hugged her tightly and she seemed not to want to let go. She hadn’t seen him since the attack and tears came to her eyes seeing her son whole and well. Eventually Loki managed to break free of her embrace and stepped to the side where Thor was waiting.

“Hello, mother.”

Frigga seemed almost surprised to see Thor but held out her arms and pulled her eldest close. Thor was gentle but clung tightly, wondering if this was the last time he would be able to hold his mother. He doubted that she would even be willing to speak to him, let alone touch him once his terrible secret was revealed. Thor held on for several beats too long and eventually Frigga was easing out of his embrace. 

“It’s good to see you, Thor. It’s wonderful to have both of my boys back home. Now bring your things in, dinner is almost ready.”

They kept the conversation light, avoiding painful topics such as the divorce and Loki’s attack. In a way it was strange to look around and see missing items that belonged to Odin but at the same time the atmosphere was lighter without the man’s oppressive presence. Loki flushed to his toes when Thor let it slip that he was dating Tony and Frigga immediately jumped on that topic.

“Anthony Stark? That’s wonderful, Loki! He was always such a nice, young man. You will have to invite him to come and visit this summer!” Loki mumbled something incoherent in reply while glaring daggers at Thor.

Once the dishes were cleared away the trio sat down at the table once more, Loki on Frigga’s right and Thor on her left. “You two look so serious, what’s going on?” asked Frigga.

Loki met Thor’s eyes and nodded. “Mother…we have something to tell you…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I know...I never write cliffhangers but the next scene needs its own chapter. So what do you guys think? Will Frigga kick Thor out? Will she call the cops? Thoughts?


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *drumroll* Here it is, folks...the chapter you have been waiting for. It didn't turn out exactly the way that I planned but it's the best I can do. Also, it's getting dark so if you have any triggers you've been warned. Honestly, I kind of feel like I'm letting everyone down with the chapter but nothing else fit. If you like it, yay, if you don't the unsubscribe button is at the top.
> 
> I'm really struggling and comments and kudos ease my mind.

Thor felt as though his mouth was full of cotton and he took a sip of his drink in an attempt to ease his throat. “Well…mother…for the past few months I have been going to therapy.”

Frigga frowned. “What kind of therapy?”

The bright blue eyes shifted to stare at the table. “Anger management.”

A thin hand came to cover his. “Thor, that is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m proud of you.” She squeezed his hand and Thor savored the touch knowing that this may be the last time his mother would willingly comfort him. “You haven’t been yourself for quite some time and I’m glad to hear that you’re getting help. May I ask what prompted it?”

The blonde grimaced. “I was having blackouts.”

“What?”

“When I would get angry everything would fade away and I would act without thinking. Sometimes I would come to without knowing what happened.”

Frigga sucked in a breath. “Goodness. Did anything happen during these episodes? Did…did you ever hurt anyone?”

Thor nodded and took a deep breath to steady himself. “Yes.”

The dark blue eyes of his mother widened. “Who?” Slowly Thor turned his head to meet Loki’s gaze. It took Frigga a moment to make the connection and when she did all of the blood ran from her face. “No…”

“Mother, I…”

“How could you?” The petite woman was on her feet. “You’re his brother! No matter what has happened between the two of you I never imagined that you would take it this far! Thor, you nearly killed him!”

“I didn’t even realize what happened until it was over. Once I realized what I had done I was sick. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the police to come banging on my door but it never happened.”

“Why would you…” A look of horror crossed Frigga’s face at the realization and she spun to face Loki, her eyes blazing. “You knew? This whole time you knew it was Thor and you didn’t say anything?”

Loki attempted to make himself as small as possible. “Yes I knew it was Thor but I wanted an explanation first and honestly… I didn’t want him to go to jail. Once he told me what happened I made him start going to therapy, I wanted him to get better.” He swallowed hard against the sudden rush of emotion. “My family was falling apart and I didn’t want to lose him too.”

Frigga raked a hand through her hair. “Do you know how many nights I stayed awake terrified that you were going to be attacked again? That some stranger was lurking in the shadows just waiting for another opportunity.” She paced back and forth twisting her hands nervously. “Why didn’t you just tell me? I’ve raised you both to know that the truth is always the best answer but you kept this from me. How could you?” The silence between them was thick, only broken by the sound of Frigga’s footsteps. “Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?”

Neither brother had anything to say in reply. They knew that this conversation was going to be difficult but at the moment they both were longing for the almost peaceful atmosphere that had surrounded them during dinner.

“What would you like us to say?” asked Loki after an eternity of strained silence.

“Something, anything! How about an explanation as to why my youngest son thought it was perfectly acceptable to keep the fact that his older brother nearly killed him from me? Loki, how could you?”

“I didn’t want Thor to go to jail.”

“Did you honestly think I would call the police?”

The brunette nodded. “I could hear you talking when I was in the hospital and you were out for blood. I…I just wanted to keep Thor safe.”

The older woman pursed her lips until they were in a thin line and counted back from ten, then twenty to keep her temper under control. “I know Thor is your brother and you have always been protective of him but this was not your decision to make. You should have told me what happened but instead you looked me straight in the eye and lied to me. It’s one thing to lie about Thor sneaking out to parties or failing an exam but this…this is too much.” She rubbed at her temples were a headache was beginning to throb. “How can I trust you after this, Loki? How can I trust either of you?”

Once more a heavy silence fell over the trio. Thor was staring resolutely at the table, attempting to find answers in the grain while Loki clenched his fists so hard that the nails broke the skin. He had seen his mother angry before but never like this. Her blue eyes were filled with not just anger but disappointment as well and her gaze made his stomach ache. 

When the silence continued to stretch between them Frigga threw her hands up and stalked out of the room. “I need some time to think.” Before either could move she was closing the door behind her. Loki was the first to break from his stupor and rushed to the door, squinting in an attempt to see through the darkness.

“We should go after her!”

Thor wearily shook his head. “And say what exactly?”

“I don’t know but the weather is getting bad and she’s upset, what if something happens to her?”

“She’ll be fine. Mother is smart, she’ll turn around and come back if it gets too bad.”

Loki wanted to argue, wanted to grab Thor’s keys and rush after his mother but the blonde was right. At this point he didn’t even know where to start looking. He sank back into his chair with a sigh. “What do we do now?”

Thor shook his head. “I don’t know.”

A low roll of thunder made Loki glance towards the window and he pushed himself away from the table. For a moment it seemed as though Thor was going to say something but at the last minute the blonde changed his mind and shook his head. His feet felt like lead as he trudged up the stairs and his skin felt too tight as though there was some type of energy buzzing beneath the surface.

His bedroom door locked with a familiar ‘click’ and he glanced around to make sure he was truly alone before digging through his duffle bag. The worn cigar box was a familiar weight in his hand and he closed his eyes as he placed it on the bed. “I’m sorry, Anthony.”

Loki sat at his window, a towel beneath him and watched as the lightning glinted off the wickedly sharp blade. It was a position he had assumed countless times but now his attention was divided. He kept one eye on the driveway hoping to catch a glimpse of Frigga’s car while the other focused on his pale skin. Against his will a tear fell from his eye, splashing against his leg and with an unsteady hand Loki followed the tear’s path with his blade.

~*~

It was hours before Frigga returned. Loki’s legs held a familiar ache and he idly traced the bandaged lines through the material of his sweats as he watched the headlights bounce up the driveway. He let out a slow breath when he saw the familiar blonde head, soaked dark with rain, hurry towards the door. Loki waited a few minutes before slowly descending the stairs.

Frigga was sitting at the dining table with her head in her hands. She had avoided the worst of the rain but stray drops still dripped onto the wooden surface. Her head snapped up at Loki’s voice. “Would you like some tea?” It took her a moment to register the question before nodding. While the kettle boiled Loki grabbed a towel and Frigga’s smile was strained when she grasped the material.

Loki’s hands shook as he carried the mug and he hissed as the water scalded his skin. Immediately Frigga took his hand in hers, checking to make sure the injury wasn’t serious and urging Loki to run his hand beneath the tap. Eventually they both sat down at the table in silence.

“I don’t know what to do, Loki.” Her youngest son kept silent as she attempted to work her feelings out. “How to I respond to this? Thor is my son, my firstborn, and though he may have his weaknesses he is the light of my life. And you, my Loki, the son I could not biologically have but was gifted with and despite what a piece of paper states you are my son as much as Thor is. Over the years you two have done plenty to put grey hairs on this head but this…I don’t know how to respond to this.”

Loki clenched his already sore fists beneath the table. “Whatever punishment you deem necessary both Loki and I will accept it.”

Both heads turned where Thor was standing in the doorway. Slowly he came and sat down across from Loki, frowning when he saw the pale hue of his brother’s skin.

“That’s the problem…I don’t know what punishment is appropriate. You’re both adults, it’s not like I can just send you to your room or take away your toys. Part of me wants to call the police and report Thor but what good will it do? Loki, I doubt you will press charges seeing as you are so adamant to keep Thor safe. I could kick you both out but you’re both pretty self-sufficient and you’re old enough to access your trusts. I just…I don’t know what to do.”

“May I offer a solution?” Both Frigga and Loki looked towards Thor.

The blonde licked his lips nervously. “Would you feel better if I was no longer around Loki?”

“What do you mean?”

“My therapy has helped so much, I’ve been working on channeling my anger and my blackouts are few and far between but I know I have a long road ahead of me. This is not something that can be fixed overnight. I’ve been saving up and was considering getting an apartment on the other side of the city. I spoke to the dean and I can have up to a year of academic leave without losing my credits.”

“What will you do if you’re not going to school?” asked Frigga.

“I could get a job, something part time just to cover the bills. It would give me time to focus on therapy and getting better without having to worry about hurting Loki or anyone again.”

“Thor, you don’t have to do that…” started Loki, he felt like the floor was giving out below him and he gripped the edge of the table for support.

“Yes I do. When I realized what I had done I wanted to die. Until my last day on this earth I will never forget seeing you on the ground and knowing that I had done that. If I could turn back the clock I would but you and I both know that’s impossible. I think some time apart would do us well and if you decide that this is not punishment enough, that you do want to press charges, I will not stop you.”

It took everything that Loki had not to cry. He understood Thor’s reasoning but he couldn’t imagine a life without his brother at his beck and call. Yes, they hadn’t seen each other much over the past few months however Loki knew that all he had to do was say the word and Thor would be there. With this new arrangement he knew that Thor would not be as available and he felt something inside of him break. This was his fault. His family was falling apart and it was all his fault.

“Loki?” His mother’s voice snapped him out of his dark thoughts.

“What?”

“Do you agree with this arrangement or do you want to pursue something further?”

A slim shoulder lifted in a shrug. “It’s fine.”

Frigga’s gaze narrowed at Loki for a moment before she turned back to Thor. “Since this arrangement is between the two of you and apparently has _nothing_ to do with me, I’ll accept your terms but if you stop going to therapy or if there is another incident, no matter how minor, I will make sure that you are locked in a hole so deep that no one will ever find you. I don’t care if you are my son, I will not stand for this behavior. Understood?”

Thor nodded. “I understand and thank you for giving me a second chance.”

To his surprise Frigga graced him with a slight smile before turning towards Loki, her expression turning serious once more. “Loki, for once in my life I don’t know what to say. You betrayed my trust, you lied to me and it’s going to take some time before I can trust you again.”

“What can I do to fix this?”

Frigga sighed and it seemed as though she deflated. “I don’t know. Trust has to earned, not given. You’re my son and I love you, remember that, but right now I don’t trust you. You kept something huge from me and it will take time before I can forgive that. Can you accept that?”

Loki’s body felt cold and it took all of his control to stay in his chair. He wanted to run, he wanted to cut, he wanted to scream but he couldn’t do any of that. Instead he was forced to sit and be scolded by his mother like a child. She didn’t even trust him so why should he even bother? Thor was leaving, Tony was mad at him and he had lost the trust of the most important person in his life. _Thor was right, I should have died._

“Loki?” He jumped at the word and sank back at Frigga’s stern gaze. “I asked if you agreed with me?” The young man didn’t answer, he wasn’t sure what would happen if he opened his mouth. Instead he nodded and turned away to stare at the table.

“So it’s settled.” Both students could tell that Frigga wasn’t happy and there was probably a much longer conversation coming in the future but for now the worst was, hopefully, over. “It’s late. We should all get some sleep and we’ll talk more in the morning, okay?”

Loki was up the stairs before Thor could even pull his chair back. He locked his door and curled up on the bed. His head was pounding and he closed his eyes in an attempt to make the world stop spinning. For a moment he thought his heart was going to pound its way out of his chest and he fought against the approaching panic. It was getting harder and harder to breathe and for a moment he thought he might pass out.

“Make it stop, please make it stop…” he whimpered but there was no one there to hear his plea. Despite the roaring in his head Loki knew what he had to do.

He had to make it stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know...Thor got off easy. Hell yes he did. I had so much more planned but it kept turning out way too overdramatic and unbelievable. Also, I was this <> close to killing off Frigga, the only reason I didn't was because I hate Odin and I didn't want the boys to end up with him. The next chapter is dark, very dark so if you can't handle it you've been warned.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *deep breath* Alright, folks, here it is. This is one of the most difficult things I've ever written. I've stayed up for hours tweaking it and cried over it more times than I can count. 
> 
> Please, please, please be aware of the tags before reading. This chapter is full of triggers so you have been warned! 
> 
> I'm still begging for comments and kudos as usual...

Loki didn’t bother trying to sleep. He was exhausted but his mind was racing. Instead he listened to the storm rage outside but its violence was nothing compared to the violence within his own head. Eventually he got up to stand at the window, frowning at the darkened skies.

_Of course I would not be allowed to see the sunrise for the last time, how appropriate_.

He took his time in the shower, trying to memorize the feel of the warm water against his skin and the steam filling his lungs. Carefully he got himself ready; pulling on his favorite shirt and jeans. Instead of his faded sneakers he opted for his battered combat boots which he polished to a sheen before lacing them up for the last time. He carefully combed his hair and brushed his teeth, making sure to clean up any mess he left behind. 

Slowly he made his bed then perched on the edge with his phone in his hand. Part of him wanted to call Tony to say goodbye but it was early and Tony was already upset with him, no need to make things worse. His eyes lingered on the lock screen of his phone and he absently rubbed at his chest in an attempt to ease the ache that was blooming there. The picture was of him and Tony just a few days after they “officially” started dating. There had been an event off of campus that Tony had reluctantly dragged Loki to. They ducked in and out of booths but nothing had really caught their interest. Before they could leave Tony spotted a photo booth and applied the most pathetic puppy dog eyes that caused Loki to give in.

It took some arranging to squeeze both of them into the small space but eventually they managed. Some of the pictures were blurred but several actually turned out well. The last one was Loki’s favorite; they had removed all of the props and simply smiled at the camera. They both looked so happy and content; the usual worry lines were gone from Tony’s face and Loki’s smile was so wide that his dimples showed.

With a final glance Loki powered down his phone and placed it at his bedside. He knew he would never smile like that again. He was such a disappointment and everything that he touched turned to ruin. Soon all of that would be over. His family would be able to move on and Tony would find someone who wasn’t so broken. True, they may be sad for a short time but eventually they would forget about him, everyone always forgot about him.

Quietly Loki moved through the house, his years of sneaking out finally proving useful. The rain was falling in sheets and the moment that he stepped off of the back porch he was immediately soaked. Ignoring the water dripping into his face he made a brief detour towards the garden shed before walking into the woods. There was a ridge at the edge of their property with a large tree jutting over the expanse. Once or twice in his youth Loki had climbed the tree and shimmied out onto the branch but the dizzying height was always too much for him and he was always happy to have his feet back on the ground. Hopefully time had not compromised the tree’s integrity.

Beneath the trees the rainfall was lighter and sounded almost musical as the water dripped through the leaves. Perhaps the storm would pass and he would be granted the privilege to see the sunset one last time.

~*~

When Thor stumbled into the kitchen the next morning he was surprised to only see Frigga at the table. “Is Loki still sleeping?” 

“I knocked on his door earlier but didn’t get a reply. Can you let him know breakfast is ready?”

Thor jogged back up the stairs and knocked on Loki’s door. “Loki, breakfast!” Silence was the only reply and Thor frowned. Even on the days when Loki refused to get out of bed he always managed some type of reply. Thor tried the door and was surprised when the knob turned easily. “Loki?” The room was empty and the bed was carefully made. His duffle bag was still half-shoved into the closet and his phone was on the nightstand.

“Is he coming?” asked Frigga.

“He’s not in his room.”

“What? Where could he have gone?”

Thor glanced out the front window and shook his head. “I have no idea. My car is still here. Maybe he went for a walk, is there a note?”

The two checked the entire house but there was no type of note, not even a text. Frigga served their breakfast but picked at her food. “I don’t like this. Loki was really upset last night, you don’t think…”

Thor shook his head. “I’m sure he just needed to clear his head. I’ll head out after breakfast and look for him. It’s going to be fine.”

The weather the previous night had been foul and the torrents of rain caused huge puddles to form. The ground was nothing but thick mud that attempted to suck Thor down and more than once he lost a shoe during his search. He thought it would be simple to find Loki, his footprints would show clearly in the mud but either he left while it was still raining or was more stealthy than Thor believed because there wasn’t a trace of the young man to be found. 

Thor toed off his shoes and dumped his clothes into the washer before grabbing a pair of sweats from the laundry basket and heading into the living room where Frigga was pacing. She was on the phone with one of their neighbors and from the look on her face the news wasn’t good. “…just give me a call if you see him, okay? Thanks…bye.” She hung up the phone with a sigh. “I’ve called everyone within five miles, granted that’s only two other families, but no one has seen him. Did you have any luck?”

The blonde shook his head. “No and it’s impossible to get around out there. I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”

“What if he isn’t?”

Thor paused then headed towards his room. “Excuse me, I need to make a phone call.”

~*~

For once Tony’s phone was not on vibrate. He was anxiously anticipating a call from Loki but when his phone rang it was the wrong brother on the other end. “Hey, Thor, what’s up?”

“Tony, you need to get here as soon as you can.”

The engineer’s blood turned to ice in his veins. “What happened? Is Loki alright?” As he spoke he grabbed his backpack and shoved random items of clothes inside.

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean?”

“We spoke with mother last night and…it did not go well. She was extremely upset which was to be expected but Loki took it the hardest. When we got up this morning he was gone and I’ve spent the past few hours trying to find him.” Thor sighed and Tony’s hands shook as he attempted to lock his door behind him.

“Did you try calling him?”

“He left his cell phone in his room.”

Tony threw his bag into the backseat and left black streaks on the pavement as he peeled out of the parking lot. “Shit. Do you know where he would go?”

“No. When we were younger he would disappear into the woods behind the house for hours. It drove mother crazy with worry but he never said where he went and I never bothered going with him.”

“Keep looking and keep your phone on you.”

“I will, drive safe, Tony.”

With a glance in his review mirror Tony floored the gas and sent a thought towards Loki. _Wait for me. Please, please wait for me._

~*~

Tony made it to Loki’s home in record time even though it felt as though it had taken days. Miraculously he had not been pulled over and the moment he pulled up Frigga rushed out to meet him. “Anthony, I’m so glad that you came. Thor’s still out there but there hasn’t been any sign of Loki. I’m so worried, he has always had a tendency to wander off when he was upset but after everything that has happened…”

“It’ll be alright. I’m sure he just needed to walk it off and he’ll be back before you know it.” It was a lie and both Tony and Frigga knew it.

“Come on in and let me get you a pair of boots, the mud out there is terrible.” Tony quickly got changed and followed Frigga onto the back porch. “Thor has searched the East section and is starting on the North.”

“I guess I’ll take West.”

Frigga paused and placed a hand on his arm. “Bring my son home, Anthony.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Tony had never been a fan of nature but now he downright despised it. Despite the warm temperature it was chilly beneath the trees and the combination of fallen pine needles and mud caused Tony to nearly lose his balance more than once. Water constantly dripped down the back of his shirt and the sparse sunlight caused strange shadows to play across his vision. With a sigh Tony glanced around at the massive landscape and swallowed down his panic. How was he supposed to find Loki in all of this?

The engineer searched for hours. It was easy to lose track of time and before he knew it the woods were swallowed up by darkness as the sun began to sink. He had nearly reached the tree line at the edge of the ridge which separated this property from a national forest and was about to turn back when a slight movement caught his eye.

His breath caught and his stomach turned to lead when he spotted Loki. The young man had obviously been outside for hours, despite the warm weather his clothing was soaked. Tony could care less about Loki’s clothes; he was more concerned with the rope looped around the young man’s neck. The other end was tied securely around a thick branch of a tree which leaned out over the gorge. 

Tony watched, his mouth unable to form words, as Loki’s eyes closed as he soaked up the sun’s last rays. Once the sun dipped low Loki opened his eyes and squared his shoulders.

“Loki!” The young man suddenly turned, his eyes wide. “Please, don’t do this.”

“Tony?” Loki’s voice caught. “You’re here…you actually came for me.”

“Of course I did."

"Why?"

Tony paused as he chewed over his words. He nearly changed his mind but decided the hell with caution, this may be the only time he would have the opportunity to tell Loki how he felt. "Because I love you."

Loki looked as though he had been slapped. "You...love me?"

Tony carefully eased closer. "Yes. You're the most important person in my life. I don't know what I would do if I lost you."

Loki squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "You can't love me, I'm too broken for anyone to love."

"Remember what I told you? I'm an engineer and I fix things that are broken. Believe me, your mom and your brother love you too and would be heartbroken if you left them. Now how about you walk away from that ledge so we can go back to the house?"

The dark head shook. “No, I can’t go back there.”

Tony held up his hands. “Okay, we won’t go back. We’ll go somewhere else, anywhere else…my treat. Just walk towards me. Please.” 

The next few seconds seemed to pass in slow motion. Loki took a step away from the ledge but the ground was slick and before he knew what was happening he was falling backwards. He struggled against the rope, his face turning purple in a matter of seconds. Blood welled from his fingertips as he clawed at his neck but the rope was too tight and his thoughts were becoming foggy.

“No!” Tony had never moved so quickly in his life but he felt like each step took ages. Loki’s struggles were growing weaker and Tony made sure that his footing was steady as he reached for Loki. “Hang on, baby, hang on.” Tony was almost too short and he swore as his fingers barely brushed Loki’s side. Eventually he was able to snag one of Loki’s belt loops and hauled the student towards him. Tony’s arms burned as he held the limp body tightly while digging through his pocket for the multi-tool he always carried. Flicking the knife open he cut through the rope and collapsed backwards under the added weight once the rope gave way.

As carefully as possible he laid Loki down and tore the rope from his neck. It was obvious that he wasn’t breathing and Tony wracked his brain for the mandatory CPR class that he had more or less slept through in high school. Lacing his fingers together he sent a prayer to whoever was listening that this would work.

He counted as he pressed against the thin chest before covering Loki’s mouth with his own and sharing his breath. Again and again he repeated the process until his shoulders ached and his vision swam with tears. “Don’t you dare die. Don’t you dare.”

It seemed as though hours had passed and Tony was exhausted. He touched Loki’s cold cheek and watched as one of his own tears slid down the pale cheek. “Please don’t leave me. I love you. Please come back.” Tony rolled his shoulders and started another round of compressions. He placed his lips over Loki’s once more and sat back on his haunches, his head hanging. It had been minutes and Tony knew that the longer Loki's brain was without oxygen the more detrimental the damage would be. Perhaps Loki's neck was broken and all of his efforts were in vain. Carefully he took one of Loki’s limp hands in his own and pressed a kiss to the cool skin. “I’m so fucking sorry that I wasn’t here. I’m so sorry…

After a beat he jerked, he could have sworn that he felt Loki’s hand move. Leaning close he placed his ear to the blue lips. “C’mon, Loki…come on...”

Tony covered Loki’s mouth with his own once more, feeling his back and chest ache with the strain. In the darkness a soft sound seemed to echo within the space: Loki coughed. The bright eyes blinked open as he sucked in air and Tony let out a sob while wrapping his arms around the thin young man. Carefully he helped Loki sit up slightly so his airway was clear and brushed his hair away from his face.

“Tony?” The word was forced, it was obvious that Loki’s throat had sustained some damage and he winced against the pain.

“Shhh…don’t try to talk. I’m here and you’re safe. Just rest. I’m here, I’m here. 

~*~

Thor trudged back to the house with his head hanging low. He had searched all day without any luck. Frigga informed him that Tony had arrived and set off after Loki but neither had been seen for hours. His mother’s face was grim as he joined her on the back porch. “It’s too dark to search and the flashlight on my phone is too weak. Let me grab a stronger light and I’ll head back out.”

“I’ll come with you, let me get changed. It’s been driving me crazy just staying here at the house.”

Thor squeezed her shoulder. “I know but someone had to stay here in case he came back.”

Before the two could go inside a sound made them turn. “Thor!” It was faint but Thor could easily make out Tony’s voice.

Thor took off running with Frigga at his heels. It was dark and miraculously the two stayed upright as they navigated the muddy terrain. “Tony?!” Thor called, attempting to find his location.

“Here! We’re here!”

Frigga let out a cry and followed Thor towards the tree line. Despite the darkness the two had never seen a more beautiful sight. Tony, his clothes streaked with mud, was carrying Loki who was curled up in his arms. The sight would have seemed comical due to Loki’s height but at the moment no one was laughing.

Thor reached him first and carefully relieved Tony of his burden. “Is he…?”

“He’s alive but you need to get him to a hospital.”

Frigga immediately had her phone in her hand and was talking a mile a minute as the trio rushed towards the house. Tony paused at the backdoor and Frigga waved him in. “The floors will wash, you should be with Loki.”

Thor sat at the kitchen table with Loki in his arms, his blonde head bowed as sobs shook his shoulders. “I’m so sorry, Loki. I’m so sorry.” Frigga sat in the chair next to him and gently smoothed his hair back. Tony lingered in the background, not wanting to intrude in the intimate moment between the family.

Long minutes passed and eventually the familiar flash of lights coming up the driveway caught everyone’s attention. Tony gestured for Frigga to stay seated as he moved to let in the paramedics. The house was suddenly a flurry of activity and Thor reluctantly relinquished Loki over to the medics. 

“Tony, you should go with him,” said Frigga as Loki was loaded onto the stretcher.

“No, you’re his mother. Thor and I will be right behind you.”

Tony’s resolve lasted long enough for the door to close behind Frigga before he dissolved into sobs on the kitchen floor. Thor immediately knelt in front of him, a strong hand on his shoulder. “What happened?”

“This is my fault…”

“No it’s not. I shouldn’t have let Loki out of my sight after what happened yesterday.”

“No, it’s not that.” Tony wiped his nose with his sleeve, leaving a long streak of dirt behind. “He…he was going to hang himself…” The words tasted foul in his mouth. “I got to him in time but when I asked him to walk towards me he slipped. I should have told him to stay put, I should have gone to him…”

“Tony, listen to me. You saved his life. If you wouldn’t have come it would have been far too late before we got to him. He’s going to be okay.”

The shorter man let his head rest on the blonde’s shoulder. “He nearly died, Thor. He was so cold and I got so tired giving him CPR…I was ready to give up.”

“But you didn’t. You didn’t give up and he’s alive because of you.”

It was a strange scene with the two young men who usually kept their emotions locked away clinging to each other beneath the bright lights reflecting off Frigga’s stained kitchen floor.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks through fingers* I know it's almost been a month but time just got away from me. I'm struggling with the direction I want this to go but please be patient with me, I won't abandon this.
> 
> As always comments and kudos keep me sane.

Tony thought that seeing Loki hanging from that tree, his face twisting in agony, was the worst thing he had ever witnessed. Now, three days later, watching Loki lying unresponsive in his hospital bed he wasn’t sure which one was worse.

Physically Loki was okay. Miraculously there wasn’t any permanent damage done from the lack of oxygen and the trauma to his throat was mostly superficial. His neck would be sore and he’d have trouble swallowing for a few days but physically the extent of the damage was minimal. From a psychological standpoint things were extremely different. The doctors said Loki had started crying the moment he opened his eyes but aside from that outburst he had been silent. He had responded to the doctors questions with movements of his head and gestures and refused to look anyone in the eye. Due to his injuries his meals consisted of soft foods and he picked at them. The IV in his arm kept him hydrated and Tony heard whispers of a feeding tube.

Whenever someone entered the room Loki wouldn’t even react no matter who it was. If one of the doctors or nurses needed something Loki could eventually be poked and prodded enough to react but aside from that he was still. With his eyes closed it was easy enough to imagine that he was sleeping but often his eyes were open, his gaze blank. Frigga was beside herself, insisting that there was something wrong, but it wasn’t until Dr. Cho arrived and explained that it was a different type of damage did she understand. One of the doctors on call knew Dr. Cho and the physiologist immediately drove up the next morning. Frigga protested but Dr. Cho wouldn’t hear of it. Loki had informed her that he was going to be out of town but promised to keep their weekly appointment via phone. Her heart ached when she heard about Loki and wanted to help in any way that she could.

Frigga had been on the board of this particular hospital since Thor was born and used her considerable influence to secure a private room. The next day her lawyer had arrived with a stack of non-disclosure agreements in order to assure that Loki's privacy was truly private. She also convinced the staff to allow Tony to visit even though he wasn't family. Apparently Frigga's glare was enough to quiet even the strictest administrator.

“I’ve seen this before.” The two women were in a side room where they could speak privately.

“You have? How do we help him?”

The doctor shook her head. “You can’t. This is all in Loki’s mind and he’s the only one who can break free of it.” Frigga’s face fell and Dr. Cho quickly continued. “The best thing you can do is be there for him. Talk to him even if he doesn’t talk back, tell him funny stories, say things that would normally make him laugh. Let him know that you’re there.”

“What’s happening to him? The doctors said that there wasn’t any damage done but he won’t speak or eat or even look at me!” Frigga’s voice caught. “What’s wrong with my son?”

“From what I’ve seen in the past sometimes people are embarrassed or ashamed of their actions, others are even more depressed than prior to their attempt, while others don’t want to accept what happened. I can’t speak for Loki, perhaps he’ll confide that information someday, but in the meantime be there for him. Let him know that he is loved and that he is not alone. The worst thing you can do is make him think that you are upset or disappointed in him.

Frigga dabbed at her eyes. “Thank you, Dr. Cho. I appreciate all that you’ve done for Loki.”

“You’re welcome but my heart aches at this. We were making such progress...” The younger woman shook her head. “But enough dwelling on the past. I have some clients to call and I’m sure that Loki would love to see you.”

~*~

Tony was absolutely sick of sitting at Loki’s bedside. He swore he was going to put the other student into a large hamster ball so he could never get hurt again. He said as much hoping to elicit some type of reaction but Loki didn’t even twitch. Letting out a sigh, Tony carded his fingers through the long, black hair.

“I miss you, you know. I never thought I would miss the feel of cold toes digging into my legs or waking up to a face full of hair but I do.” He picked at a frayed patch on his jeans. “I miss your awful sense of humor and those nasty sandwiches that you insist on eating. I've never missed anyone like this before, you know? I mean, I missed my mom when she died and I’ve missed old friends but now…I don’t know…it feels like a piece of me is missing.” 

Tony rubbed at his eyes. "I've never been in love before, it always seemed like a waste of my time. Then you came along and literally threw me for a loop." He felt Loki shift but when he glanced at the other student the bright eyes were still closed. "I wanted to hate you for the longest time. You pretty much destroyed my social life and amped my anxiety up to eleven. I'm pretty sure you were on everyone's shit list for awhile. The only reason no one ever kicked your ass was because of Thor." He made a face. "Well...except for Natasha and Clint but let's not talk about them right now."

Loki made soft sound, almost a whimper, and Tony gently caressed his cheek. "It's okay, you're safe. I won't talk about that anymore." It was the first time Loki had reacted to his voice and even though it was small, Tony was treating it as progress. "Let's talk about something happier, okay? Do you remember Thanksgiving? Not the crappy one you had at home but the one you spent with me. We ate your mom's food and watched cheesy movies and laughed so much I doubt we heard even half of the movie. I don't remember the last time I had even seen 'The Wizard of Oz' or 'The Grinch' but it was like watching them for the first time with you. You had the stupidest running commentary and your impression of the witch melting almost made me snort cranberry sauce through my nose." He started at a point on the wall as the image grew in his mind's eye. "That's the first time we slept next to each other and even though we were on the floor and full it was one of the best night's sleep I've ever had."

Tony's hand hovered over the bruises marring the fair skin of Loki's neck then moved to cover Loki's hand with his own. The thin fingers were cold and the engineer watched, his heart in his throat, as the slim chest rose and fell. Loki was so cold and so still that his mind flashed back to that night in the woods. Tony shook his head to banish the image and squeezed Loki's fingers. "I don't know if there was an exact day when I realized that I loved you but when you pushed me away after New Year's I felt like my heart had been ripped in half. I didn't realize how important you had become to me. I wanted to be mad but instead I just felt...lost."

Brushing a few stray strands of hair away from Loki's face, Tony gently pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I know what it's like to be lost but remember that I'm here. No matter what I will be right here. I don't care how long it takes, how many demons we have to exorcise...it doesn't matter. I just want you to know that you're not alone and no matter what I will be here." He blinked back tears and pressed another kiss to the cool skin.

A soft knock on the door caught his attention and he nodded at Thor. “It looks like my turn is up but I’ll be back in a little while.” He grasped Loki’s hands and pressed a kiss to the ice cold knuckles. “I love you, Loki. I don't know where you are or if you can hear me but know that I love you."

Tony closed the door behind him and leaned against the wall. “Any change?”

“No. I hate seeing him like this. Isn’t there anything we can do?”

The blonde shook his head. “Dr. Cho said the best thing we can do is to be with him but in the end Loki has to be the one to pull himself out of this.”

“That’s bullshit. So we’re just supposed to talk to him until he decides to ‘snap out of it’? I don’t buy it.”

“Where are you going?”

“The Wi-Fi in here sucks, I’ll be across the street at the library if you need me. I need to do some research.”

~*~ 

Tony spent several hours at the library and made it back to the hospital just as the nurse was carting Loki’s half-eaten dinner away. Frigga had pulled some strings to get their visiting hours extended and Tony quietly knocked on the door. Both Frigga and Thor were at Loki’s bedside and the young man had his back turned to them, his lanky frame curled into a ball. 

“What was for dinner?”

Frigga wrinkled her nose. “I don’t know if you would call that food. Jell-O, applesauce, and a few other things that I couldn’t recognize. Something full of protein I suppose.” She shook her head to clear it. “How was your afternoon? Thor said you were at the library.”

“Yeah I was doing some research and wanted to try something.”

“Such as…?”

“An experiment." He raked his hand through his hair. "Most of the articles that I found say that rather radical therapies are the only way to get through to someone in this state. I don't buy it. I'm not sure if this is exactly scientific but I know Loki. He's tactile. Whenever he was upset he got clingy."

Frigga nodded. "I remember many nights having to pry him loose after he'd had a nightmare. If he was really shaken I'd crawl into bed with him, it always seemed to ease his mind." Thor frowned but kept his thoughts to himself, apparently Loki never showed the same type of affection with him.

"This might not work but it's worth a shot. Can you give us a moment?” After a beat Frigga nodded at Thor and the two quietly left the room and closed the door behind them. Tony kicked of his shoes and took a deep breath. “I hope you don’t hate me for this.” Slowly he lowered the rail at Loki’s side and sat on the edge of the bed. There was no reaction and Tony slowly stretched out next to Loki. It wasn’t the first time that they had shared a bed this size but this time the space between them seemed to stretch on for miles. “I’m going to touch your hip now.” Gently Tony placed his hand on the bony hip and slowly inched closer. Holding his breath he wrapped his arm around Loki’s waist and forced himself to relax. Tony closed his eyes and curled a little closer, breathing in Loki’s familiar scent and relishing of the feeling of the slim frame pressed against him once more.

His eyes flew open when he felt cold fingers curl around his own. Tony didn’t dare breathe for a moment. Aside from interacting with the staff and feeding himself Loki had barely moved. This was the first time he had actually engaged with someone and Tony’s heart thumped so loud he swore it could be heard in the hall. He felt as though his chest was going to crack open when Loki suddenly turned and buried his face in Tony’s neck. Thin fingers fisted themselves in his shirt and after a moment something wet slid uncomfortably down his neck. Tony realized that they were tears and he pulled Loki closer taking care not to aggravate his injuries or jostle the IV.

“Don’t…don’t…”

The soft words sounded like the sweetest music Tony had ever heard. “Don’t what, babe?”

“Leave. Don’t leave me.”

Loki’s words were so broken that they brought tears to Tony’s eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

The two continued to hold each other while Frigga and Thor kept vigil in the hall. It wasn’t much, just a few whispered words but it was a start.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be longer but I decided to cut it short to help the flow. 
> 
> I'm on the razor's edge of losing both my job and my apartment so be patient with me. I'll try to update as often as I can.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos rock my world. You guys are awesome.

The hospital staff was less than pleased when Tony stated he planned on staying the night with Loki. “Mr. Stark, I know that this is a difficult time for everyone involved but we’ve already extended the visiting hours for you. I’m sorry but there is no way we can allow you to spend the night with Mr. Odinson.”

Tony nodded and pressed a kiss to Loki’s forehead. “I have to go but I’ll be here first thing in the morning, okay?” Loki frowned and tightened his grip on Tony’s shirt. Gently Tony pried the slim fingers free and started to sit up. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

“No…” Loki whimpered and when he reached across the bed and realized Tony was gone he began to panic. Every machine in the room began to scream as Loki curled in on himself. “Please don’t leave me, please…” His words trailed off as his breathing sped up.

Soon the room was flooded with people nurses holding Loki down as he began to thrash and giving them access to his IV. “It’s okay, Loki, just calm down.” A sedative was injected into the line and after a moment the drugs pulled him under. His panicked words fading into slurred murmurs. 

“What the hell happened?” asked Dr. Cho.

“I started to leave and he panicked.” 

The woman turned on Tony. “Why were you leaving? You’re the only reason that he’s coherent!” Tony glanced towards the administrator who was hovering by the door. “Let me guess, it’s against hospital policy for Tony to stay the night?”

The older woman nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

“I don’t care what I have to sign or write or get approved by the board I want Tony to stay with Loki. You saw what happened when he attempted to leave. Unless you want to constantly keep Loki sedated this is going to be the only option right now.”

“Dr. Cho…”

“Come on, we will discuss this in private.” She glanced towards Tony. “Go to him. He’s going to wake up hung over and confused and he shouldn’t be alone.”

Tony kicked his shoes off once more and straightened Loki’s sheets before crawling in with him. Loki’s breaths were steady and deep as Tony curled an arm around his waist. The room was too bright and the sounds were unfamiliar. He curled closer to Loki, taking comfort in the familiar form at his side, and eventually found sleep.

~*~

The next morning it took nearly fifteen minutes for Loki to shake off the haze that the drugs caused. He curled closer to Tony then pulled back with a start. “You’re here.”

Tony smiled and brushed Loki’s hair back. “Of course I’m here.”

“But…they were going to make you leave.”

A chuckle left the engineer’s lips. “Dr. Cho is pretty fierce when she needs to be.”

Loki scrubbed at his eyes. “I feel funny.”

“Lokes, you started to panic when I left. The doctors gave you a pretty strong sedative to calm you down.” A frown creased Loki’s brow. “How about a shower? It would help clear your head and I’ll be right outside the whole time.”

“You won’t leave?”

“I promise.”

Tony rang for the nurse and explained their intent, watching carefully as she unhooked the IV and the various monitors. Once she was gone Tony herded Loki into the tiny bathroom and stripped him down. Carefully he peeled the bandages from the pale thighs and pressed a kiss to Loki’s hip when he saw the slight tremble in the thin hands. “I’m not angry, I promise. I just want to help you get better.” Loki refused to meet his eyes and carefully stepped into the shower. “I’ll be right outside. Call me if you need anything.”

While Loki was in the shower Tony changed the sheets on the bed and quickly changed his clothes. He adjusted the bed so he would be sitting up and the moment that he heard the water shut off he was knocking softly on the door. “I have some fresh bandages for your legs. May I come in?”

After a moment the door opened and Tony was met with a wall of steam. Loki looked lost and Tony led him to sit on the closed toilet seat. He slowly rubbed the fair skin dry and draped a towel over the slim shoulders to catch the water dripping from the inky strands. Kneeling at Loki’s feet Tony carefully cleaned and bandaged the fresh wounds the pulled Loki to his feet. He tossed the towels on the floor to be dealt with later and helped Loki tug on the comfortable clothes that Frigga had delivered. 

“Looks like breakfast is here.” Loki made a face and Tony urged him to sit on the bed. “I’ll make you a deal. Eat what you can and I’ll brush your hair, okay?” One of Loki’s weaknesses was having his hair brushed but Tony rarely had the patience to sit still long enough to complete the task. Tony sat down behind Loki, his legs bracketing slim hips, and carefully drew the brush through Loki’s damp hair. Loki made a soft sound of contentment and closed his eyes. “Remember our deal, you have to eat or I’ll stop.” Tony couldn’t see it but he was sure Loki was scowling.

Loki managed about half of the food before pushing the tray away. Tony placed the brush on the bedside table and pulled Loki close. Never had Tony thought of Loki as small or weak but the young man in his arms now seemed fragile. He was so pale that the bright blue veins were easy to see through skin that seemed too thin and the bruises around his neck were vividly bright.

“You look tired.” Loki’s soft words snapped Tony to attention.

“I don’t sleep well in a strange bed.”

Loki averted his gaze. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t start with that.”

“What?”

“I won’t listen to you apologize for something you can’t control. It’s not the first time I’ve had a rough night.”

Loki was silent and Tony felt the slim hands clench and unclench as he fought against the negative emotions. “Do you want to take a nap?”

“Will you stay here with me? I don’t sleep well without you.” Loki made a face and eventually nodded. Tony adjusted the bed and pulled the scratchy blanket over the two of them. Loki was stiff in his arms and Tony gently squeezed his hip. “Love you, my Loki.”

~*~

Tony woke to the sounds of an argument. Loki was burrowed into his side, his hands over his ears and his eyes squeezed shut. Tony pulled him closer and glanced towards the hall where Frigga and Thor were in a heated discussion. “Shhh…it’s okay.” Their voices rose and Loki whimpered. “Would it be okay if I talked to them?” After a beat Loki nodded and uncurled his fingers from Tony’s shirt. After slipping on his shoes and closing the door behind him, Tony stepped between Thor and Frigga. “Any particular reason you’re trying to give Loki a panic attack?”

Thor glanced towards the door and immediately looked guilty. “I was attempting to tell mother to let Loki be, that he probably doesn’t want to see us right now.”

Frigga shook her head. “That’s ridiculous, I’m his mother. For more years than you can imagine I was his sole companion. Why wouldn’t he want to see me?”

_‘Because, from the sound of it, he thinks you abandoned him and don’t love him anymore.’_ Tony bit his tongue and attempted to keep himself from rolling his eyes. He knew the only reason he was even allowed to be here was because of Frigga’s considerable influence and he didn’t want to risk losing it.

“Mother, wait…”

Thor’s words fell on deaf ears as Frigga pushed Loki’s door open. “Loki? How are you doing today, sweetie?”

The young man turned so quickly that his legs tangled in the sheets. “No…”

Frigga frowned. “What do you need, love?”

“Go away. You can’t be here, go away! Go away!” Loki's still tender throat constricted and he gasped for air as he forced the panicked words out.

Loki started screaming and a moment later his monitors joined him. He curled into a ball and begged Frigga to leave. He was screaming that she couldn’t be there, that he didn’t want her and Frigga looked as though she had been slapped. “Loki! Stop this! I’m your mother, I just want to help you!” Thor practically dragged Frigga into the hall as nurses rushed into the room.

In a flash Tony was at Loki’s side and held up his hand before the nurse could inject anything into his IV. “Loki, it’s me. It’s Tony. She’s gone and you’re okay. It’s just you and me. Breathe for me. That’s it…perfect…just breathe.” Tony caught the nurse’s eye and the woman nodded before slipping the syringe into the pocket of her scrubs.

Thor had his arms around Frigga’s trim frame as she sobbed into his shoulder. “He hates me, Thor. I’m his mother and I made him hate me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s scared and he’s in pain. He loves you more than he loves anyone in the world.”

“He loves Tony more.”

The blonde shook his head. “That’s not true.”

Frigga wiped her eyes. “If that wasn’t true then why is Tony with him right now and not me?”

“Because Tony is neutral. He wasn’t here for all of this. At the moment Loki believes that Tony won’t judge him for his actions.”

The older woman looked into her eldest’s eyes. “How do you know all of this?”

Thor shrugged. “I don’t, I’m just guessing but I’ve had a lot of time to watch Tony and Loki lately and it seems like Loki has a level of trust with Tony that you and I will never have.” He gently grasped his mother’s hands. “Give him time. Think about what he just went through. It’s going to take a lot of healing before he can move on from this and he’ll probably be haunted by it for the rest of his life. We just need to be patient and be there for him when he’s ready to let us in again.” Frigga and Thor stood in the hall and watched as Loki cried himself to sleep in Tony’s arms.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter seems like a filler and it kind of is but I need it to set up the next one. I'm running on minimal sleep and have only read through it once so I hope it makes sense.
> 
> As usual comments and kudos keep me going.

Dr. Cho had been patient with Loki during his hospital stay. He had just been through arguably the most traumatic experience of his life and she was willing to give him time to cope and to heal. After his sudden outburst with Frigga she knew that she could not wait any longer and had to intervene. 

Upon glancing in the room she was not surprised to see Loki and Tony curled up on the bed together while watching a movie on Tony’s tablet. She knocked lightly on the door before opening it. “Good morning, gentlemen.”

“Good morning, Dr. Cho,” answered Tony. Loki stared warily at the doctor. He knew that she had pulled strings to allow Tony his freedom within the ward and had a feeling that her payment for those favors was due.

“Loki, we need to talk.” Before the young man could protest she held up a hand. “I know that you don’t want to but I’ve put this off as long as possible. The sooner we get this over with the sooner you can leave.” Loki turned to look at Tony with wide eyes. “No, Tony can’t stay for this. I have an obligation as your doctor to keep what is said between us confidential. If you want to tell Tony about our session later that’s up to you. I know you don’t want to but we have to talk about what happened.”

Loki was gripping Tony’s hand so hard that it hurt. “Don’t leave me.”

Tony gently kissed the top of Loki’s head. “I won’t be gone long, I promise but you heard Dr. Cho. You two need to talk so you can go home, okay?”

“I don’t want to go home.”

“Then we won’t go home. We’ll go somewhere else. Even my cooking is better than the food in this place.” Tony squeezed Loki’s fingers before prying his hand free. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours. I know this is hard but you have to do this, Loki. Please. Do it for me, okay? I just want you to get better…we both do.”

Eventually the thin young man nodded and watched as Tony slipped out the door. An uncomfortable silence fell between the remaining pair. “What do you want me to say?”

Dr. Cho shrugged. “It’s up to you.”

Loki picked at the blanket, his eyes refusing to meet the doctor’s. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because of what I did. I…I just wanted to go away.”

“Why did you want to go away?”

The young man shrugged. “Because they don’t need me.”

“Who?”

“Thor, mother…even Tony.”

Dr. Cho made a few notes before glancing back up, her head tilted in curiosity. “I find that hard to believe. I haven’t been here long but it seems like all of them need you and love you very much.”

“Mother doesn’t.”

As a mother herself it took a fair amount of control for Dr. Cho to keep her opinions to herself. After a beat she finally replied. “Why do you say that?”

“She doesn’t trust me and if she doesn’t trust me that means she doesn’t love me.”

The older woman frowned. “Can you explain that further? I don’t understand.”

“One of the first things I was taught was about trust. Mother always told us that without trust there could never be love…real love at least. That’s why she finally divorced Odin, she realized that she no longer trusted him or loved him.”

“What happened to make you lose her trust? Last time we spoke you had nothing but good things to say about her.” Loki fidgeted uncomfortably. “Loki?”

“Do you remember what I told you about the attack?” Dr. Cho nodded and waited patiently as Loki slowly drank from a water bottle. He was still hoarse and she did not want him to damage his throat further. “Well…I didn’t tell you the full story.”

“Do you want to tell me now?”

Loki sighed. “Not really but if I don’t tell you I’ll just be making things worse for myself.” He licked his lips and launched into the story. A time or two his voice caught and by the time he was finished he was fisting the blankets so tightly that they threatened to tear. “Mother doesn’t trust me and Thor doesn’t want to be near me. I thought Tony hated me too but then he came for me and has stayed with me but…I don’t know. I’m so tired…I just want to rest.”

If Dr. Cho was surprised by any of these revelations she didn’t allow it to show. She sat up a little straighter and leaned towards Loki. “I know you’re tired. I can’t imagine how emotionally exhausted you must be right now but I need you to listen to me. I think you’re wrong.”

Finally the bright green eyes snapped up to meet hers. “What?”

“Allow me to explain. I believe that your perceptions of your brother and mother are skewed.”

“What do you mean? Thor nearly killed me yet he says he loves me and now he doesn’t even want to come near me. Does that sound like love to you?”

“Yes, yes it does.”

“We have very different definitions of love,” grumbled Loki.

A slight smile quirked the corner of Dr. Cho’s lips. “You told me that Thor was sick. That he was having blackouts due to his anger, is that correct?” Loki nodded. “I may be wrong but according to what you have told me Thor didn’t even realize what had happened when he attacked you and when he did he fully expected to be punished for his actions. On your orders he started going to therapy and from the sounds of it Thor isn’t the type to bend easily under pressure. He started getting help because of you.”

“But he’s leaving me.”

“Think of it another way. He’s not leaving you, he’s distancing himself from you in order to get better. He’s probably terrified of hurting you again and doesn’t want to be near you until he knows he won’t hurt you again. Now, I could be wrong seeing as I’ve only spoken to Thor a handful of times but from what I can tell he believes that the sun and the moon set in your eyes. He loves you fiercely and would do anything to protect you even if that means leaving you for awhile.”

Loki sniffed and scrubbed at his eyes. “He shouldn’t have to leave. This is my fault.”

“How is this your fault? Thor is sick. Would you think it was your fault if he had cancer or had an addiction?” Loki shook his head. “This is no different. Thor is simply going away to treat a disease and when he is better he will come back. It might take time but Thor adores you, I believe this separation will be harder on him than you think but in the end it is for the best.”

After blowing his nose Loki pulled his knees to his chest. “But what about mother? Thor may be sick but she isn’t, she just hates me.”

“Loki, I can assure you that she doesn’t hate you.”

“She doesn’t love me.”

“I doubt that.”

“I broke her trust and after yesterday I probably broke her heart…how can she still love me?”

This time Dr. Cho did smile. “Because she is your mother. I know it is hard to understand but a mother’s love is nearly limitless. Yes, you lied to her and pushed her away but that won’t make her stop loving you. She just wants you to get better. It might take time for her to learn how to do that but I have faith that whenever you need her she will be there.”

“You said Thor and Tony came looking for me in the woods, why didn’t she come if she was so worried?”

“She didn’t want you to come home to an empty house. She told me that it tore her to pieces that she didn’t go with Thor or Tony but part of her was hoping that you would come home and she wanted to be there when you did.”

Loki’s fingers twitched in agitation. His head was beginning to ache and he rubbed at his temples. “I still don’t believe you.”

“You don’t have to believe me. It’s not my job to convince you. I’m merely here to listen and possibly present another point of view on the situation. You’re the one who has to sift through the information and form a conclusion.”

“What if you don’t like my conclusion?” Dr. Cho could tell that Loki was getting tired. He would always become short and irritable when he wanted their conversations to end.

“That depends.”

“On?”

“Whether or not I believe that you are still at risk.” She steepled her fingers. “Loki, you attempted to kill yourself and nearly succeeded. Until I am convinced that you are no longer a risk to yourself I cannot allow you to leave, surely you have realized this. That’s why you are still here.”

The words seemed to echo within the sterile room. Loki hadn’t even thought of or said the words himself. Right now they seemed to be burned into his brain, a red hot brand that would never go away. He would always carry that stigma with him and people would always look at him with pity maybe even disgust when they discovered what he had done or rather attempted to so. Instead of shame regret began to flood his body. He shouldn’t have stopped when Tony arrived. He had spent the entire day planning for that moment and it only took one second of weakness on his part to ruin his escape. Now he had not only ruined his life but he had ruined the lives of those around him. No matter the level of security Frigga had put into place this was sure to leak to the press and she would forever be known as the mother of the boy who nearly killed himself on her own property. Thor would be mocked for having a crazy brother and Tony…poor Tony. The Stark’s had a reputation to uphold and the last thing they needed was for the heir to the empire to be linked to a suicidal freak.

Didn’t Dr. Cho understand? He wasn’t crazy, he was tired. Who cared if he lived or died? It was his life and he was allowed to make decisions for himself. Suddenly he knew what he had to do, it was the same thing that he had done his entire life. All he had to do was play the part. He just had to pretend to be repentant, to want to get better then he could get out of here. Tony promised that they would go away, somewhere where they could be alone. Loki just needed to get Tony alone then he could make the engineer understand that this was for the better. That Tony made a mistake by allowing Loki to live. He knew Tony would be sad but Loki was clever and could talk Tony into pretty much anything. They just had to get away from this place first.

“Loki?” Dr. Cho’s words startled the student so badly that he jumped. “You drifted off for a second, are you okay?”

Loki nodded. “I was just thinking about what you said and you’re right.”

“About?”

“Needing to talk about it. You know I don’t like talking but I don’t think that I have much of a choice right now.”

The older woman frowned slightly. “You know this is not a punishment, right? I’m here to help you. I care about you, Loki, and I want to see you around for a long time. I’m a resource to be used however you deem necessary. I can be a friend, I can be a medical professional, I can be a confidant. Whatever you need I will to my best to provide, okay?”

“Okay.” Loki glanced at the clock. “Can we be done for today? My throat hurts.”

After taking a quick look at her watch the doctor nodded. “Yes. Get some rest and we’ll speak again soon.”

Loki curled up beneath the blankets and closed his eyes. He could do this. He could make her believe.

~*~

Tony returned about an hour later, freshly showered yet no matter how hard he scrubbed he could not chase the feeling of guilt away. Frigga had offered up one of the many guest rooms which had more or less sat empty during Loki’s hospital stay. After his outburst the energy of the home had shifted and Tony no longer felt welcome. He had gone back to shower and to gather more clean clothes along with a few books before heading back to the hospital. The sight of Frigga at the kitchen table, her head in her hands and Thor attempting to comfort her gave Tony pause. The blonde glanced up but for once the bright blue eyes were unreadable. Tony made himself scarce and rushed up the stairs.

He knew that Loki’s outburst wasn’t his fault but he couldn’t help but feel guilty. Loki adored Frigga, rarely did a day pass when he did not speak of her but Tony knew a lot had changed between the two in a very short amount of time. He had faith that with time Loki and Frigga could reconcile but for right now everything was simply too fragile. Part of him wanted to whisk Loki away from all of this, to take him somewhere safe where he would never be hurt again but Tony knew that was impossible. Loki needed help and as much as Tony loved him he was out of his league. He was thankful that Dr. Cho had driven up so she could speak with Loki in person and hopefully she would help Loki reach a place where he was stable enough to be discharged.

Tony avoided the kitchen and took the front set of stairs before heading back to the hospital. He would text Thor later and offer to get a hotel. The last thing he wanted was to cause Loki’s family any more pain than they were currently in.

When Tony arrived at the hospital Dr. Cho was gone and Loki was curled beneath the blankets. From the line of his back Tony could tell that he wasn’t sleeping and he knocked on the door lightly. “Can I come in?” Loki stiffened for a moment before rolling over. Something wasn’t quite right but Tony couldn’t put his finger on it. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. Just tired.”

Tony frowned and let his bag slip from his shoulder to land on the floor. He kicked off his shoes and perched on the edge of the bed. “I brought you some books and that tea that you like.” Loki made a noise of acceptance and curled around Tony once the engineer made himself comfortable. Tony could feel the tension in the slim frame and slid a warm hand down Loki’s spine. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” Loki took a slow breath and forced himself to relax. “Can we listen to that audiobook from yesterday? I fell asleep before the good part.” Tony nodded and flipped through his phone, finding the last chapter Loki remembered. He curled his arm tighter around Loki’s waist and attempted to relax, telling himself that everything was going to be okay and that Loki was safe. Loki was simply worn out from his conversation with Dr. Cho and Tony was overloaded with emotions. It had been a hard week but things were getting better and the only place they could go from here was up.

Right?


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! What better way to celebrate Avengers day than with an update! I'm not going to lie, I made myself cry while writing this. I was also at work which made it even more awkward.
> 
> For everyone who has stuck by me throughout this journey I give you all of the hugs and love. I can't believe you're still here and you make my day every time I see a comment or kudos. You have no idea how much each and every one of you mean to me.

Ten days.

It took ten days before Loki was able to convince Dr. Cho that he was stable enough to be discharged. Ironically it was Dr. Cho who helped put Loki’s plan into motion.

“I think you should try and spend the night alone.”

This was spoken during one of their daily therapy sessions and Loki’s eyes widened in brief horror. “What? Why can’t Tony stay? Did I do something wrong? I’ll fix it, I promise.”

The doctor shook her head. “It’s nothing like that, Loki. You haven’t done anything wrong. There are going to be times when Tony is not available to you. He might have a class or a personal responsibility and will not be able to be at your side at every moment. Also, when the two of you return to school your classes and hours will be different. I want to make sure that you are able to cope with those moments by yourself.”

“I’ll be fine. I’m used to being alone.”

“True but think about what has happened these past few weeks. For days you would not speak until Tony was at your side. When you were first admitted you had horrible fits and attacks and Tony was the only one who could calm you. Before I can allow you to be discharged I want to make sure that you can function on your own.”

Loki had felt the shame swell within him and pulled his knees to his chest. Even Dr. Cho didn’t trust him. He knew that she had a medical obligation to insure his safety but he wondered why she even bothered. It was obvious that he was a lost cause. Taking a deep breath he reminded himself that he had to get out of here. Once he was out he could be free and this time nothing would stop him.

The first night without Tony was rough. Loki tossed and turned, the tiny bed feeling too spacious without the other student’s presence. When Tony arrived the next morning it was obvious from the dark circles under his eyes that his night had been anything but peaceful. The two spent most of the day napping which, in turn, caused another sleepless night.

Slowly Loki was limiting his time with Tony, each day he would send the engineer home one hour earlier until he made it an entire twenty four hours without his lover’s presence. He fought against panic attacks and calmed himself with the reminder that he would be leaving soon. Just a few more days and he’d be able to leave. 

Tony had offered up his family’s lake house which had been sitting empty for years as a place for them to escape for a few weeks until Loki was ready to either return home or return to campus. While Loki attempted to acclimate himself to hours away from Tony the engineer was busy making plans for their arrival. He made sure that nothing was in need of repair and that the space had been cleaned from top to bottom, the last thing he wanted to do was spend his days clearing out the old space instead of caring for Loki. His phone was filled with lists of supplies that they might need and he hoped that seeing the ridiculous inflatable floats he purchased would bring a smile to Loki’s face.

Tony glanced at his watch and flopped back onto the bed. Thor had insisted that he continue to stay at the house and the engineer attempted to make himself scarce. It was increasingly difficult now that Loki was attempting to get by without him. Tony knew it was necessary and that Loki was safe at the hospital but every moment away from the pale student made anxiety race through his veins. What if Loki had an episode and wasn’t able to pull himself from it? The staff at the hospital was kind but the only way they could calm Loki was to inject those horrible drugs which left him feeling hungover and sick. 

For a moment Tony considered going against Dr. Cho’s advice but quickly abandoned the thought. It was painful watching Loki suffer but in the long run this was for the best. There were going to be times when Tony couldn’t be there and Loki would have to cope on his own. Rolling over Tony snorted. Perhaps this separation was helping Loki but it was killing Tony. He couldn’t remember the last time that he had gotten a decent amount of sleep. Every time he drifted off he would wake in a panic, instinctively reaching across the bed for Loki. His dreams were filled of nightmarish images of times he was too late and he found Loki’s body hanging over the gorge. The worst one was the dream where Loki was still alive when he arrived. Tony had pleaded until his throat was raw but no matter how hard he tried Loki refused to listen. Tony’s feet had been frozen in place and no matter how violently he struggled he could not run to his love. He was forced to watch as Loki turned his back and took a step out into the abyss. The first time Tony woke from the dream he barely made it to the bathroom before he was ill and now every time that the dream occurred he was unable to go back to sleep.

Tony was used to running on little to no sleep but the lack of rest and the constant onslaught of stress was getting to him. His face actually ached from the bags below his eyes and his concentration was shot. There were a dozen unfinished projects on his tablet and no matter what he could not concentrate on the screen. His appetite was nonexistent and more than once he found himself unable to remember the last time he had eaten. With a sigh he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. There was no reason to stay in bed if he wasn’t going to sleep. He grabbed his hoodie and softly padded down the stairs, maybe a walk would clear his head.

~*~

“And you _will_ call me once a week, right?” Dr. Cho stood in front of Loki with Tony hovering awkwardly in the background. 

“Yes, ma’am. I promise.”

There was a beat and Dr. Cho smiled. “I’m proud of you, Loki. You take care and feel free to reach out to me whenever you need me, okay?” The young man nodded and shook her hand.

“Thank you for your help.” 

The woman dipped her head and took a deep breath. “Let me get these forms to the desk so we can get you discharged.” She waved at Tony before heading down the hall.

“Do you want me to stay or do you mind if I pull the car around?”

“I’ll be okay for a few minutes.”

Tony nodded and hefted Loki’s bag onto his shoulder. “See you soon.”

Loki sat on the edge of the bed and picked at the blanket. Everything felt so surreal. He felt as though he had been in the hospital for months even though in reality it was just shy of three weeks. His stomach ached when he imagined the bill his mother was going to receive. His family was well off but between the divorce and Loki’s medical expenses he was sure that their reserves were going to be tapped. 

He cocked his head when a thought came to him. He had a rather substantial trust fund that would cover his medical expenses and then some. Loki had never touched the money, saving it for life after college but now he wouldn’t need the funds. Making a mental note to make sure Frigga knew what to do with the money after he was gone he stood when a nurse appeared in the door pushing a wheelchair. “Is that really necessary?”

“Hospital policy.”

Tony met them at the curb and made sure Loki was buckled in before navigating the busy parking lot. “I just talked to Thor. He and Frigga are out for lunch so we can swing by the house and pick up your things before heading to the lake.” Loki didn’t reply, he simply watched as the scenery rolled past the slightly smudged windows. 

The house felt strange when Loki walked into the front door. He had never imagined seeing it again when he walked away weeks ago but here he was. Tony followed him up the stairs and disappeared into the guest room to gather his things. Loki’s room was still spotless but there was an indentation on the bed that told him that someone had fallen asleep on top of the covers at some point. Tossing a few items from the bathroom and his phone into his bag he met Tony at the top of the stairs. “Ready?” Loki nodded and the two headed outside. The bolt clicked with a sound of finality and Loki did his best not to look behind him as he walked away.

The drive to the lake was mostly silent. Loki slept on and off while Tony kept the radio low enough not to disturb him. When Tony turned off the main road the jostling of the car on gravel startled Loki awake and he rolled his neck to ease the knot forming. “Is that it?” In front of them a gingerbread style house began to appear, the paint slightly faded but the delicate accents were still in good condition.

“Yeah. My mom always loved those kitschy gingerbread houses so Howard had this built for her. We only came here a few times when I was little and after she died he couldn’t stand to see it destroyed. He more or less kept it maintained but I called ahead to have it cleaned and to make sure the kitchen was stocked.” He parked and turned off the car but didn’t make any move to leave. “You ready to go in?”

“In a minute.”

Loki was still getting used to the fact that he was no longer in the hospital and was free to come and go as he pleased. Part of him wanted to get this over with but the other part of him wanted to spend a few more days with Tony. He felt as though he owed the other student an explanation and after everything that Tony had done for him it was the least he could do.

Without the air conditioning running the car was quickly becoming stifling and with a deep breath Loki pushed his door open. The first thing he noticed was the silence. Aside from the sounds of Tony pulling their bags from the car it was mostly silent. The only thing he could hear was the movement of the wind within the trees and the chirping of birds. If he concentrated he could faintly hear the waves break on the shore of the lake as well as the slight creak of the house as it braced against the breeze. 

“Loki?”

Tony’s voice snapped him back to the present and he hurried up the three steps to the porch to join the engineer. “We may need to air it out a bit but the air conditioning works and there’s central heat and well as a fireplace in the living room in case it gets cold at night.” Loki glanced around the spacious rooms and followed Tony up the stairs. The engineer paused in front of a door at the end of the hall. “I’m not sure if you wanted to stay with me and this room has the best view of the lake so…” 

The words hung in the air between them and Loki pushed the door open. The room was airy and light and through the window the crystal waters of the lake glittered in the afternoon sun. “This is fine. Thank you, Tony.”

“My room is the one closest to the stairs. You know how I tend to get up at night and I don’t want to disturb you.” Loki nodded and shoved his bag into the corner, he hadn’t decided if he would or would not unpack.

There was a strange energy forming between Loki and Tony. Previously they were always around each other and it was nothing to stretch out on the couch together to watch a movie or read. Even in the hospital Tony was always by Loki’s side in order to comfort and calm him but now things were different. Loki was skittish and Tony was reluctant to touch him, afraid that he would startle the other student.

“Are you hungry?”

Loki shook his head. “No. I’m tired. I think I’ll lay down for awhile.” Tony watched as Loki disappeared into his room, the soft click of the door echoing in the airy space.

For days all Loki did was sleep. Every now and then he would emerge from his room to get something to eat and would immediately go back to bed. Once or twice Tony convinced Loki to join him for a movie but Loki would always end up falling asleep and eventually Tony stopped asking.

~*~

It was so early that the sun was barely creeping over the horizon when Loki padded down the stairs. His stomach had been empty for so long that it was cramping and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep until the ache had eased. Turning the corner Loki jumped when he saw Tony at the kitchen table, his head in his hands.

“Tony?” Loki hoped that nothing was wrong. The engineer looked as though he had been told that a beloved pet had died.

“Do you want me to leave?”

The question threw Loki for a loop. “What?”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“Why would you ask me that? Do _you_ want to leave?”

Tony sighed and raked his hands through his hair making it stick out comically. “No, I don’t want to leave but I don’t seem to be helping.” He frowned and traced a knot in the wooden table. “I brought you here to help you, to give you a chance to catch your breath and relax after being in the hospital so long. I…I was hoping that being away from campus and your family would be good for you. But I guess I was wrong.”

“Tony…” Loki started but was cut off with a wave.

“Don’t make excuses, just tell me the truth. If you want me to go I will. I can take you back to campus or you can stay here for as long as you want. There’s a delivery service that can bring anything that you might need. It’s linked to one of Howard’s credit cards so feel free to blow it up.” He sighed and scrubbed at his face. Loki suddenly realized how tired Tony looked and his stomach clenched in shame instead of hunger. “Just tell me what you want, Loki. I don’t know how to help you and I’m running out of ideas.”

Loki wrapped his arms around his torso as a chill suddenly rushed down his spine. He had been hoping to have this conversation later when Tony was more amiable but it was now or never. He licked his cracked lips and swallowed hard. “Nothing.”

Tony seemed surprised to hear Loki speak and turned his head in that direction. “What?”

“I don’t want any of this. You don’t have to do any of this for me. You should just take me back to campus and forget about me.”

Loki didn’t think it was possible but the frown on Tony’s face deepened. “What are you talking about? I’m not just going to forget about you, I love you!”

“No you don’t, you love the idea of me. I’m just a project that you’re determined to fix but I hate to tell you…you can’t fix me. I’m far too broken for that.”

The reply shocked Tony into silence. It took a moment for him to find his voice and when he spoke the words shook. “Do you really believe that? Have I done such a terrible job that you only think that I care about fixing you?” He took a moment to compose himself before continuing. “I love you because you’re you. And no matter what you say you are not broken. Maybe a little damaged but definitely not broken.” Loki shook his head and leaned back against the wall. “You don’t believe me, do you?” Silence was the only reply and Tony shook his head. “Dammit, Loki. Can’t you see that I’m trying? Please tell me if there is something else that I can say or do to make you believe me.”

For a moment Loki considered not replying, simply turning and going back to bed but Tony deserved this much. “You can’t and don’t bother…I’m not worth the effort.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Say what?”

“That you’re not worth it. Loki, I broke every traffic law in existence when Thor told me you were missing. I hunted through those woods for hours looking for you. I literally breathed life into you! Does that sound like I don’t care about you?”

“You did that for Thor…” Loki mumbled while wishing that he could just sink into the floor. His head was pounding and his hands were starting to shake.

“That’s a lie and you know it. Thor and I have never been that close and after what he did to you he’s not too high on my list.” Unable to sit any longer Tony pushed back from the table. “Where is this coming from? A couple of weeks ago you were having panic attacks when I was gone for more than a few moments and now you won’t even look me in the eye.”

“I shouldn’t have done that…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Tony took a step closer and froze when Loki leaned back harder against the wall. “I just want to know what’s going on. I won’t be angry I just want to know what changed to suddenly cause you to avoid me.”

Loki closed his eyes and took a slow breath. He could do this. He could convince Tony that this was for the best. “I realized that you made a mistake.” When Tony didn’t reply he continued. “I’m sorry, Tony, I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better. In the hospital I was weak and pathetic and I never should have let it go so far but I was afraid.”

Tony had a million questions but he swallowed them down in favor of one. He had a feeling he knew where this conversation was going and didn’t like this sudden turn of events. “And now you’re not afraid?”

Loki was looking at the floor but Tony saw his head bob in a nod. “I know what I have to do now.”

“Which is…?” Something cold settled in the pit of Tony’s stomach.

“I have to leave.”

Against his will a choked gasp made its way past Tony’s lips. “Why?”

“I told you. I’m broken and I hurt everyone around me. Once I’m gone things will be better, I promise.”

The engineer clenched his hands in an attempt to stop their shaking. “I don’t believe you. You stopped when we were in the woods. If you wouldn’t have slipped you would have walked right to me. Are you saying that your actions were wrong?”

Loki nodded once more. “Yes. I was weak and now, once again, you’re suffering because of my weakness.” He wiped at his eyes almost absently. “I’m so sorry, Tony. I never should have crashed your party that night, I never should have let things get this far. I can’t give you back the time I’ve taken but I can stop things from going in further. You deserve so much better.”

Tony wanted to throw up and it took all of his willpower to keep the contents of his stomach down. “Do you really think that things will be better if you’re gone? Loki, you keep me sane and stable. I’ve barely had a drink since we started dating and I don’t want one because I want to get better…for you.” It was his turn to wipe at his eyes. “The day that you broke up my party ended up being the best day of my life. I know we’ve been through a lot of shit but I’m not going anywhere and I refuse to let you leave. If you want to break up with me, fine, but I will not let you hurt yourself.” Carefully he stepped forward and cupped Loki’s cheek, feeling the warm tears slide against his skin. “I love you. I know you don’t love yourself but I love you enough for the both of us.”

Loki was shaking and he suddenly realized that his legs would no longer support him. He slid to the floor but Tony was right there at his side. Strong arms surrounded him and instinctively he curled into the embrace. “I’m so tired, Tony.”

“I know. I can’t imagine the amount of pain you must be in but I’m here. You are _not_ a burden and you are certainly not weak. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone that was as strong as you are.”

Loki wanted to argue, he wanted to rage against Tony but his energy was gone. He had nothing left and his heart raced in his chest. He was terrified to trust Tony with this. Starting to speak the words died on his lips. He was too tired to talk.

Tony stroked his hand up and down Loki’s back in an attempt to soothe the trembling figure in his arms. He wasn’t sure how long they sat there and he blinked in surprise when the sun finally rose over the horizon and spilled into the kitchen. “Do you think you can stand?” His legs were going numb and he knew Loki had to be uncomfortable on the hard floor. With a weak nod Loki got his feet underneath himself and used the wall in order to push himself upright. He swayed slightly but Tony was right there wrapping a strong arm around his waist.

Slowly the two made their way out of the kitchen and Loki made a soft sound of distress when they neared the stairs. Without missing a beat Tony led them into the living room and gently eased Loki onto the overstuffed sofa. “I’ll be right back.” He disappeared and a few minutes later he returned with a mound of pillows and blankets in his arms. It didn’t take long for him to make a suitable bed out of the couch and he urged Loki to stretch out. “Do you want me to stay?” There was a beat then Loki nodded.

Tony lay down and turned towards the back of the couch, caging Loki in with his arms. The thin young man was still shaking and Tony murmured nonsense words until he finally fell still. Tony tightened his grip and pressed a kiss to the top of Loki’s head, determined to keep the young man safe no matter what.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that I've been working on this story for nearly a year. Wow. I guess I should start wrapping things up, huh? Don't worry, there's plenty more to come but I think I've been dragging things out long enough.
> 
> This chapter is nothing but fluff because I need it. I made myself cry a time or two while writing it but I've been rather emotional these days.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos keep me sane and I cannot express my gratitude enough. You guys have no idea how much each and every one of you mean to me.

Loki woke up sweating and disoriented. He was pinned between the back of the couch by Tony and for a brief moment he panicked until he remembered where they were. He sheepishly apologized to the groggy engineer and allowed himself to be led to the kitchen. It had been so long since he had last eaten he wasn’t even hungry but he managed to keep down some toast and yogurt. After getting cleaned up Tony herded him towards the stairs. “You, my love, need a shower.”

“Are you saying that I stink?”

Tony grinned. “I’m not saying anything; you can draw your own implications from that statement.” Loki made a face and felt some of the tension in his shoulders release at the easy banter between them. It had been so long since they had laughed or even smiled at each other and he didn’t realize how much he missed it until now.

The short trip up the stairs was surprisingly tiring and Loki hesitated at the door of his room. “Tony?”

“Yeah?”

Heat burned his cheeks and he stared firmly at the floor. “Can you help me? I’m so tired I don't think I can wash my hair.”

Even though he couldn’t see it Tony’s smile was fond. “Of course.”

Loki liked his showers this side of scalding but if Tony was uncomfortable he didn’t mention it. He took his time slowly moving the cloth against Loki’s skin, never lingering too long but making sure that every inch was clean. When Loki began to fatigue Tony helped him sit on the floor of the tub as he gently washed the raven colored locks. Some of his hair was matted and tangled and Tony took care to ease the knots free without causing Loki any pain.

Loki was so relaxed that he nearly fell asleep at Tony’s feet. The last time someone had washed his hair he had been a child and a slight smile spread across his lips at the memory. He could still see the tub full of bubbles and toys and his mother kneeling at the side. Her hands were firm and gentle as they tilted his head back, careful not to let any soap drip into his eyes. He was never afraid when Frigga was with him and with a jolt he realized that he wasn’t afraid now either. He _trusted_ that Tony was there to take care of him. Loki didn’t trust easily, too often that trust was broken but deep down he knew that Tony would never do anything to hurt him.

Against his will tears began to fall and mixed with the warm water raining down around him. He attempted to calm himself but Tony heard the shuttering breath and immediately knelt down behind him. “What’s wrong, did I hurt you?”

Loki shook his head and twisted around to slide into Tony’s embrace. Tony muttered nonsense works and rubbed his back while adjusting them to a slightly more comfortable position. Loki mumbled something into Tony’s neck and the engineer pulled back in order to hear him more clearly. “What was that?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For taking care of me.”

It was Tony’s turn to swallow hard in an attempt to control his emotions. “Always, my love, always.” The two sat there, attempting to hide their tears from the other, until the porcelain of the tub became uncomfortable. “Are you ready to get out?” Loki nodded and Tony reached around to turn off the water. He climbed to his feet and hastily dried himself before holding out his hands to Loki. “Take it slow, I don’t want you to fall.”

Carefully Loki stood and climbed out of the tub. He twisted his hair up into a towel while Tony dried him off. He knew he could do this himself but he was still so tired and Tony’s touch was familiar and soothing. Once he was dry Tony wrapped him in a fluffy robe which he hadn’t noticed hanging on the back of the door and deposited him into the overstuffed chair in the corner of his room. “I’m going to shave and get dressed. You stay right here and relax until I get back, okay?” Loki nodded and brought his knees up, curling into the chair. 

He didn’t realize that he had dozed off until he blinked his eyes open and saw Tony moving around the room. The genius was stripping the bed and opening the windows wide, allowing the fresh air to flow into the space. With a grin he crouched in front of Loki. “Wakeup, sleepyhead. If you want to nap you’ll have to do it either in my room or downstairs. The breeze might give you a chill in here.” Part of Loki wanted to be upset that Tony was treating him like a child but the other part preened at the attention.

Loki pushed himself upright and carefully stretched his legs out. “No, I’m up. Let me get dressed." Tony took Loki’s place in the chair as the slender young man slowly got ready for the day. Once he was dressed he walked towards Tony with a shy smile. “Would you brush my hair?”

Tony chuckled and held his hand out for the brush. “Of course.” Loki was a sucker when it came to having his hair played with. It didn’t take Tony long to discover that if he wanted something all he had to do was sink his fingers into Loki’s dark mane and watch as the taller student practically melted. 

Loki eased himself onto the floor and closed his eyes as the brush moved through his hair. Tony was patient and took his time, making sure to ease any knots loose and watching as the dark locks spilled down Loki’s back. His hair was getting long, it fell past his shoulders now, and Tony loved running both the brush and his fingers through the thick tresses. Without saying a work Loki handed him a black band and Tony carefully pulled his hair back into a ponytail. It had taken him some time, and a few swats from Loki when he pulled too hard, but he had finally mastered the art of the ponytail. The idea of braids still intimidated him but he was a genius, if he could program an artificial intelligence program surely he could master the art of the French braid.

Once he was finished he placed the hairbrush to the side and sucked in a breath when Loki suddenly crawled into his lap. It was slightly awkward due to his height but they managed to make it work. Loki sighed and Tony could feel the tension slip from the muscles beneath his hands. There was nothing sexual about the embrace and Tony realized that the warmth rushing through him was not arousal, it was contentment.

He thought Loki had drifted off again, his breaths were slow and even, when his voice startled him. “Can we go outside today?”

Loki could hear the smile in Tony’s voice. “Of course. Anything particular you want to do?”

“Are there ducks on the lake?”

The question was surprising and Tony couldn’t help but laugh. “I think so, yeah.”

“Let’s go feed the ducks.”

The statement was so simple yet so familiar that Tony’s heart nearly burst. Loki was always wanting to do random things like that. Even when he didn’t feel like leaving campus he would drag Tony around to find bird’s nests or count green doors or make fun of the grammar on the flyers on the quad. Loki once explained it was a game he made up when he was young to combat loneliness and Tony was touched that he felt comfortable enough to share this game with him.

Loki sat up but instead of getting up he pressed a gentle kiss against Tony’s lips. Tony’s eyes widened and Loki nervously chewed on his bottom lip. It had been weeks since they had last kissed and the gentle touch brought a flush to both of their cheeks. Tony gently tilted Loki’s chin up and ran his thumb across a sharp cheekbone. “I’ve missed you.”

Covering Tony’s hand with his own Loki sighed. “I miss me too.”

“You’re still there, Lokes, I promise. It’s just going to take some time to find your balance again.”

“And what if I fall?”

“I’ll be right there to pick you back up again and if I'm not strong enough then we'll fall together.” Loki glanced down and Tony kissed his forehead. “Now come on, I think there’s some birdseed in the shed. Let’s go and feed the ducks.”

~*~

The walk down to the lake was almost too much for Loki. He hated how weak he felt and how often he had to keep stopping for breaks. Tony was patient and reassured him that the fresh air would help him get his strength back. He explained that they had nowhere to be for the next month and could stay at the lake as long as Loki wanted. Loki hadn’t replied, he merely set his shoulders and forced himself to keep walking. By the time they reached the end of the dock he was sweating and his hands were shaking from exertion. Tony eased him into one of the collapsible camping chairs that he had brought before setting up his own and placing the bag of birdseed onto Loki’s lap. A bottle of water appeared in Tony’s hand and Loki eagerly drank it down. He glanced over at the small cooler that Tony had brought and winced. “I could have helped carry something.” Tony had brought two chairs, a cooler and the bag of birdseed all while attempting to hold Loki steady. 

“Don’t worry about it.” He glanced to Loki’s left. “Looks like we have some company.” 

The afternoon sun was warm and brought some much needed color to Loki’s cheeks as he tossed the seed across the water. A slight smile touched his lips as he watched the antics of the ducks as they fought over the treat. “Did I ever tell you about the time Thor tried to feed the geese while we were on vacation?”

The tale made Tony howl with laughter especially when Loki expressed how impressed he was at the speed that Thor could climb a tree with an angry goose on his heels. Loki didn’t join in but the lines on his face eased as he watched Tony laugh. It seemed like ages since he last heard the sound and he didn’t realize how much he missed it until now. 

The sun was starting to sink downwards and Tony nodded towards the house. “Are you ready to head back? I’m starting to get hungry.”

Again Tony wouldn’t allow Loki to help carry anything and it was a good thing because the trip back seemed to wear him out even more. He sank onto the couch with a sigh and blinked open bleary eyes when he felt the cushion dip next to him. “I’m sorry, Tony. I’m just so tired.”

“Don’t be sorry. This is the most activity you’ve had in awhile. Why don’t you rest and I’ll wake you up for dinner.”

Loki cocked an eyebrow. “You’re cooking?”

“Hey, even I can’t mess up a frozen pizza.” 

The dark-haired young man shook his head fondly and mumbled something that sounded like "don't burn it" and closed his eyes, falling asleep before Tony even left the room.

When Loki woke he was ravenous. He leaned against the doorway as he watched Tony put the final touches on their dinner. The lemonade needed more sugar and the edge of the crust was slightly burnt but it was one of the best meals Loki had eaten in a long time. Even though Tony protested Loki did the dishes and fixed them each bowls of ice cream to eat in front of the television. The actions were so normal that for a moment they were able to forget what had happened. 

Loki placed his empty bowl on the coffee table and turned to face Tony. He opened his mouth to speak but changed his mind, ducking his head and biting his bottom lip. Tony noticed the movement and shifted so he was facing Loki. “What is it?” The dark head shook and Tony placed a finger under his chin, gently tilting his head upwards. “Talk to me, Lokes.”

“This is going to sound stupid.”

“Have you met me? I say stupid shit all of the time.”

Green eyes flicked up to meet brown. “I was going to ask if I could kiss you.”

The question physically startled Tony but after a moment to process the request he smiled. “Of course you can. Why did you feel like you had to ask me?”

Color spread across Loki’s cheeks. “After everything that has happened I…I wasn’t sure if you would still want me.”

“Oh Loki…” Tony wrapped an arm around Loki’s waist to pull him closer. “No matter what happens the only place I will ever want to be is right next to you.”

Loki shook his head. “When did you get to be so sentimental?”

“When I met you.”

A grin spread across Loki’s face. “Charmer.” He didn’t give Tony a chance to reply, instead he leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss against the full lips. Despite the stress and the pain he was in he needed this, he needed to feel loved and wanted. Pulling back he sucked in a breath before catching Tony’s mouth once more, one hand wrapping around the back of his neck to control the kiss.

Eventually they shifted and Loki pressed Tony’s shoulders back until they were sprawled across the couch. Despite the position they were careful not to allow things to go too far. They both knew that it was far too soon to dive back into the physical side of their relationship. Resisting the urge to rock his hips into the body above him, Tony sank both hands into Loki’s hair and tugged him down for another kiss. He was hard but he knew that Loki wasn’t ready to go further and, honestly, neither was he. He could tell that Loki was starved for this type of affection and he was more than happy to assist.

The kisses began to slow and Loki pulled back with a shuddering breath. The emotions coursing through his veins were almost too much and he rested his head on Tony’s chest enjoying the heavy thump of his heartbeat. Tony played with Loki’s hair, letting the silky strands slip through his fingers as he willed his arousal away. There would be plenty of time to reacquaint himself with Loki’s body later, right now his job was to be there and to offer whatever type of love and support Loki needed. If he needed kisses, a nap, or just a friend Tony was determined to be there.

~*~

Despite sleeping in all morning both Tony and Loki were ready for bed relatively early. As they climbed the stairs Tony softly swore. “I forgot to make up your bed. Give me a few minutes and I’ll see if I can find some extra sheets.”

Loki stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Why don’t I just stay with you?”

“But Dr. Cho…”

“Dr. Cho wanted to make sure that I could function without you. Considering that I’ve done nothing but sleep the past few days I think it’s pretty evident that I can sleep just fine without you at my side. Now come on, I’m tired.”

A few minutes later Loki was sliding into bed with Tony. He breathed in the familiar scent and scooted closer until Tony could pull him into his arms. Their legs tangled together and he tucked his head under Tony’s chin. He wrapped his arm around Tony’s back and slid his hand beneath his shirt to find warm skin, smiling slightly at the pleased sound that left the engineer’s lips. Tony’s fingers dipped below the edge of his sleep pants to find the skin of his hip which was stretched thin across too-sharp hips. Absently he traced the ridge of the bone and it wasn’t long before the two were asleep.

Loki woke up to the feel of the bed shaking and scrubbed at his eyes. At some point Tony had rolled away and he seemed to be caught in a nightmare. It wasn’t unusual for either of them to have nightmares but it had been awhile before either one had been caught up in their terrors. Moving closer Loki gently shook Tony’s shoulder while making sure that he was out of range. Tony tended to flail when woken up suddenly.

“Wake up, Tony, you’re dreaming.” Nonsense words fell from the brunette’s lips and Loki shook harder. “Tony, wake up!”

Brown eyes snapped open and Loki eased back as Tony sat up. He stared at Loki for a long moment, looking as though he had seen a ghost. “You’re here.”

Loki frowned. “Of course I’m here. We never made up my bed, remember?”

He grunted in surprise when Tony practically flew at him, wrapping his arms around the slim frame protectively. “I thought I lost you.”

Loki returned the embrace and rubbed Tony’s back gently. “What do you mean?”

Tony was quiet for several minutes before loosening his grip. “Ever since…you know…I’ve had nightmares. It’s usually the same one but tonight it was different.”

“Tell me?” The question was soft and gave Tony plenty of room to refuse.

Slowly the engineer pulled back and sat against the headboard. Loki mirrored his position, sitting so close that their shoulders touched. “The first one is in the woods. I manage to find you at the ridge but no matter what I say you refuse to listen. I want to run to you, to stop you but I’m frozen in place. I’m begging and screaming but no matter what I say it doesn’t seem to matter. You turn your back on me and take one big step and…yeah. I have to watch you die.” Loki swallowed hard and found Tony’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

“You said this dream was different?”

Tony nodded. “It was so real. I’d been asleep and then something woke me up, I’m not sure what it is. You were on the other side of the bed and I thought you were hot and moved away. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I came back you hadn’t moved. I don’t know if you realize this but whenever I get up in the night you always steal my spot in the bed.”

Loki nodded. “It’s warm.”

“This time you hadn’t moved but I shrugged it off. I reached over to pull you close because at this point I’m cold and your skin is like ice. At first I thought it was because we left the windows open but when I tried to move you your head lolled to the side like a rag doll. I started to panic and when I crawled over to you your eyes were open and glazed and I realized that…that…”

“I was dead.”

Tony sucked in a shuddering breath. “Yes.” He released Loki’s hand to run both of them through his hair. “I was begging for this to be a trick, for you to come back. God, it was so real. I could feel the sheets, I could smell your shampoo. I…I kept wondering what I had done wrong. Why you wanted to leave me after…after everything I’ve done…” 

The last words were whispered and Loki felt something inside of him break. Despite everything he had never realized how much this was hurting Tony. He had been so caught up in his own pain and despair that he failed to notice that Tony, the one person in the world who had never hurt or abandoned him, was suffering because of him.

He pulled Tony into his arms and the shorter man returned the sudden embrace. “I’m so sorry, Tony. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Loki, don’t-“

“Hush. I have been so selfish. I never realized how much this was hurting you. I’m so sorry.”

“Loki, you’re sick. That’s not your fault.”

“Yes but I…”

“No…no buts. I told you that I was going to help you get through this and I intend to keep that promise. Just…can you promise me something in return?”

“Yes…yes of course.”

“Don’t leave me.” Tony’s voice cracked on the words. “Please, please don’t kill yourself. I don’t know what I would do in a world without you in it. Scream at me, break up with me, hate me but please don’t die. Please.”

Tony was nearly sobbing, sucking in shuddering breaths as his tears soaked Loki’s shirt. Loki’s own tears were hot against his skin as he attempted to pull Tony closer. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” _I love you too much to leave you._

The two held each other tightly, allowing their pain and sorrow to flow away. Eventually there were no more tears and they moved away only long enough to lay back down before clinging to each other once more. They were both raw and broken and they knew that there were many hard days ahead of them but for the first time in a very long time the cracks between them began to mend.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks from behind fingers* I'm so sorry! I know I should have been updating but I posted a bunch of new fics instead and *sighs* I have no excuse. This fic has been fighting me and I haven't been well but to make it up this chapter is pretty long. 
> 
> Next week is the one-year anniversary of this fic and for those who have been along for the entire ride I bow down to you. I was terrified no one would read this yet here we are 28 chapters later.
> 
> As always comments and kudos=more content for you.

Of all of the summers that Tony had spent at the lake house this one was, by far, the most interesting. It was almost like starting over with Loki and Tony. They had gone through something so traumatic that it nearly tore them apart but the two were too stubborn and were willing to fight. Their time together was anything but easy. There were many nights when Tony would wake up shaking and covered in sweat, his heart sinking when he realized that Loki had slipped away in guilt. More than once he sat on the opposite side of the locked bathroom door pleading for Loki to stop and insisting that he wasn’t angry. Sometimes the door would unlock and Tony would gently pry the blade from trembling fingers but sometimes Loki would refuse to answer and attempt to keep himself silent as new lines adorned his legs.

Tony had tried to cut back on his drinking, he wanted to be coherent if Loki needed him, but his demons refused to be silent. More than once Loki pulled an empty bottle from Tony’s lax fingers and made him as comfortable as possible, leaving a bottle of water as well as a trash can within easy reach. He rubbed Tony’s back as he retched and held him tightly when the pain of withdrawal made pain lance through his veins. Tony always felt guilty after his binges but Loki did his best to assure him with soft touches and softer words that he wasn’t angry and he absolutely understood the insatiable craving.

Their time wasn’t just spent on binges and nightmares, there were lazy days spent by the lake where they fed the ducks and found shapes in the clouds. Tony was delighted to find out that Loki had inherited Frigga's skills in the kitchen and proceeded to press the taller student against the counter and kiss him senseless in thanks. They had stopped before anything became too heated but Tony enjoyed the slight flush that graced Loki’s pale cheeks.

The fresh air was doing wonders for Loki who was gradually getting his strength back. He started by taking short walks around the house, gradually widening his loop and soon he was able to walk around the lake without stopping. Slowly the walks became jogs and as the summer drew to a close he was able to run the entire loop without losing his breath. Loki encouraged Tony to join him but he was awake far too early for the engineer and Tony only ran when being chased, or so he told Loki.

Loki’s anxiety was still at a nearly crippling level and once a week Tony forced him to go into town on a grocery run. The town had grown since Tony was a child but was still rather small with a main street full of stores perfect for window shopping. The first time Tony suggested the trip Loki had panicked and it had taken nearly an hour for Tony to calm him down. He had been trembling the entire trip and the pressure of Tony’s hand on the small of his back was the only thing that had kept him calm. Eventually he became accustomed to the idea and soon he looked forward to their weekly trip. Most of the locals had come to know them and if they recognized Tony it was never brought up. Despite the small size of the town it was rather progressive and no one batted an eye at the two young men walking down the street, sometimes hand in hand. 

Loki wasn’t well enough to attend the local Pride parade but Tony managed to convince him to attend the Fourth of July parade and the shorter man beamed at the sight of his boyfriend wearing a cheesy red, white and blue baseball cap and waving a tiny American flag. That night they sat on the docks and burned sparklers as fireworks exploded overhead. Loki had curled close to Tony and hadn’t moved until long after the fireworks had ended.

Before they knew it there were only two weeks left before they had to leave for campus and Loki didn’t want to leave. He watched as the rain caused chaotic ripples on the lake and turned when he heard Tony come down the stairs. The genius was scowling and holding a bottle of aloe. Loki gestured towards the couch and did his best to smother a chuckle. Tony had gotten a nasty sunburn and had been cranky and miserable for the past couple of days.

Carefully the engineer eased onto his stomach and hissed as the cool gel touched his skin. “I still don’t understand how I’m the one that got burned. You’re paler than a ghost…do you even tan?”

“I told you that the water would wash away the sunscreen.”

“But the bottle said it was waterproof!”

Loki rolled his eyes and smiled fondly. “Tony, since when do you trust the packaging?” Tony grumbled a reply and Loki stood. “Are you hungry? It looks like there’s no stopping this storm so we’re stuck inside today.”

“Waffles?”

“Only if you come for a run with me once the rain stops.” Tony didn’t reply but Loki knew he was making a face.

The two spent a lazy day in front of the tv. Loki stretched out and Tony decided that he would make an excellent pillow. The two were careful not to aggravate the healing cuts on Loki’s legs or Tony’s sunburn and the shorter student sighed as his head came to rest on Loki’s chest. Long fingers began to card through his hair and he closed his eyes in bliss, ignoring the movie that was playing in the background.

“I don’t want to go back.”

The words roused Tony from his slight doze. “Hmm?”

“I know we have to but I don’t want to go back.”

Tony carefully maneuvered himself so he could see Loki’s face and was shocked at the fear he saw there. “Talk to me, Lokes, what’s going on?”

Loki swallowed hard. “What if someone finds out? I know everyone in the hospital signed a non-disclosure agreement and I doubt Thor would say anything but…” He sighed. “Everyone already thinks I’m a freak, that I’m broken. What are they going to say when they find out I couldn’t even die right?”

Against his will a shudder ripped through Tony’s body. “Don’t talk like that.” He sat up so he could face Loki properly. “First of all, who cares what other people think about you? Your life is none of their business. Also, if someone stoops low enough to tease someone about suicide they are the one with the issue.” He gently touched Loki’s cheek, running his thumb across the smooth skin. “We don’t have to go back if you’re not ready. You’re allowed to take a leave of absence if you feel like it is necessary. Hell, you’re brilliant. You could transfer schools and I’m sure any other university would be more than happy to have you.”

Loki’s breath caught. “But…you would’t be there. Do you…are you tired of me already?”

Tony grasped Loki’s hands firmly in his own. “No, no…I didn’t mean it like that. If you transferred I would go with you. Loki, I love you and I want to stand at your side however long you want me.”

Loki focused on their intertwined hands. “I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid of someone finding out but if I leave and Thor leaves people will talk and…” His breathing was beginning to speed up and cold sweat pricked his skin.

“Hey, hey…it’s okay. Take a deep breath. You’re okay. You don’t have to decide right now. No matter what you choose just know that I will be right there with you every step of the way.”

“Why? Why do you want to stay with me?” 

“Because a life without you in it isn’t one that I want to live.” He paused and snorted. “Damn that was cheesy.” He glanced up to see a tiny smile tugging at Loki’s lips. “But I meant it. I love you and I want to help you however I can.” He tightened his grip on the slim hands. “You are not alone, Loki. Never for one minute think that you have to do this alone.”

Loki brought up their tangled hands and kissed Tony’s knuckles. “Thank you.”

~*~

A week later Tony wandered in from the lake to smell something amazing cooking in the kitchen. Before he could enter he was intercepted by Loki who was wearing dress slacks and a dark green shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Everything was protected by an apron that proclaimed ‘Kiss the Cook’. After doing exactly that he crossed his arms. “What are you up to?”

Loki gave him a secretive grin. “Go upstairs and get changed, put on something that isn’t stained with grease.”

“Hey!”

Loki’s laugh disappeared into the kitchen as Tony stomped up the stairs. After showering and shaving Tony chose a dark red shirt and black slacks but decided to skip a tie. They were a pain in the ass and reminded him of too many functions where he had been forced into a suit and paraded around by Howard. His stomach growled and he hoped that dinner was ready.

Loki was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs and shyly took his hand to lead him into the dining room. They rarely used the dining room, preferring to eat in the kitchen or in front of the television but somehow Loki had transformed the space. The lights were dimmed and the room was filled with more candles than Tony realized that they owned. The table was set with the fine china that his mother had used so many years ago and somewhere there was music playing. Several covered dishes were spread across the table and Tony’s stomach made itself known once more.

“Loki, what’s this for?”

The taller student didn’t reply at first, he simply led Tony to his seat. Tony laughed as his chair was pulled out for him and squeezed Loki’s hand when he sat down in the adjoining seat. “This is my way of thanking you.” He held up a hand to stop Tony’s reply. “Anyone else would have run off screaming when they discovered how broken I was. I can’t think of anyone, even Thor, who would have stood by my side during this crazy year. Sometimes I wonder if I’m dreaming, how can this wonderful man be real?” He touched Tony’s cheek as if to verify that he was really there. “Even when I pushed you away you were still there. You’ve saved my life twice but it’s more than that.” Carefully he took Tony’s hand in his own. “You saved me from myself. You make me want to live, you make me want to get better. For the first time I’m looking forward to the future because it has you in it.” His throat was burning and he swallowed down the pain. “God, how did you do this? This is impossible.”

Tony suddenly frowned. “What’s wrong?” Surely Loki wasn't giving him this beautiful speech just to break up with him, was he?

Loki shook his head and steeled himself. He met Tony’s wide eyes and let out a slow breath. “This, all of this, is me saying that I love you.”

For a second Tony was frozen then he was dragging Loki towards him, ignoring the rattle of dishes on the table as he caught Loki’s mouth in a kiss. The angle was awkward and it took them a moment of twisting to get comfortable. Tony’s chair creaked ominously but they ignored it as they clung to each other. Soon air became a priority and they pulled apart with a gasp. “Say it again.” Tony’s voice was rough and his fingers flexed against Loki’s skin.

“I love you.” Loki kissed Tony’s smile and pulled back with a laugh.

“Again.”

“I love you.”

“Again.”

“I love you, you irritating madman.” Loki kissed Tony once more then carefully stood and straightened his clothes. “I didn’t spend the entire afternoon in the kitchen for it to go to waste.” Tony scowled playfully but straightened his clothes and his place setting.

Loki had gone above and beyond with this meal. A salad with a dressing so good Tony was tempted to drink it straight from the jar, a pasta dish covered in gooey cheese with just enough heat to spark their taste buds and a fruit salad to cleanse their palate.

They kept their conversation light, avoiding the topic of going back to campus, and talked about whatever came to mind. Tony’s hand found Loki’s during the meal which brought a slight smile to the student’s lips. Eventually that hand dropped to his thigh and even though Loki raised an eyebrow he made no move to remove it. Once the food was gone Loki stood to clear the table but Tony wouldn’t hear of it. “You know those dishes can’t go in the dishwasher.”

Tony’s laugh echoed from the kitchen. “Trust me, I know. You have no idea how many hours I spent scrubbing these as a kid.”

Loki carried the last few dishes into the kitchen and eased them into the soapy water before coming to stand behind Tony, wrapping his arms around the shorter man’s waist. Normally Loki was never this affectionate and it was obvious that Tony was soaking up the unexpected attention. It was quiet between them, the muffled clink of cutlery and the slosh of water the only thing breaking the silence.

After a few minutes Loki pressed a gentle kiss to Tony’s neck and grinned at the sharp intake of breath. He waited until Tony went back to his chore before repeating the action but this time he did not stop. Slowly he pressed soft kisses against the tanned skin and attempted to hold back his laughter as Tony tried to ignore him.

Tony made a valiant effort but when Loki used his teeth and began to suck a dark mark into the tender skin his hands shook and he hastily placed the glass in his hand to the side, only the memory of his mother yelling at him kept him from dropping it. Tony’s hands covered Loki’s where they crossed across his abdomen as his head lolled to the side.

“You’re supposed to be washing those,” murmured Loki.

Tony turned in the embrace and sank one hand into the dark locks of his love. “Priorities.”

Loki’s grin melted into their kiss. There was nothing rushed or urgent between them, they stood in the center of the kitchen trading slow kisses until they needed to break for air. Even then their mouths wandered to necks and jaws before bringing their lips together once more. Hands wandered but for the most part the touches were chaste, never straying below the belt.

Finally Loki pulled back and let his forehead rest against Tony’s. “There’s dessert, you know.”

“Are you dessert?”

Loki snorted and stepped away. “Typical man.”

“Can you blame me?”

The taller student shook his head as he pulled two tall glasses and a tub of ice cream from the freezer. From the fridge he grabbed a dark bottle and after placing the items on the counter he glanced away in embarrassment. “One of my favorite treats is a root beer float. I don’t even know if you like root beer. I should have thought to ask, I’m sorry…”

Tony stopped him with a hand on his wrist. “Loki, this is perfect. When I was little our butler, Jarvis, would take me into town and buy me a root beer float the last day we were here. I was never allowed to have them at home and I’m always too embarrassed to order them.”

Loki turned with a slight smile. “Thor and I were allowed to have them on special occasions. We always made a mess and ended up sticky so they were saved for special occasions.”

Tony watched as Loki scooped the vanilla ice cream into the frosted glasses. “Where did you get the ice cream? I thought we were out.”

“I made it.”

“Is there anything that you can’t do?”

Loki didn’t reply instead he finished their sweet treats, careful not to overfill the glasses. Taking Tony’s hand he led them outside where they sat side by side on the porch swing. They had spent many long hours on this swing but tonight things were different, there was an ease between them that never existed before. Tony made Loki laugh by blowing bubbles in his drink but stopped abruptly, swallowing hard when Loki slowly licked the ice cream from his spoon.

Once their drinks were finished they lazed on the swing for a few more minutes before heading back inside. They placed their glasses in the sink which was full of soaking dishes and before Loki could begin to clean them Tony was pulling him away. “Leave them, they’ll still be there in the morning.”

Loki glanced between the sink and Tony for a moment before following the engineer upstairs. When they reached the top of the stairs Tony paused, giving Loki the option to choose to go to his room or to join Tony in his. With a slightly shaking breath Loki walked towards Tony’s room. 

Loki stood in front of the bed, staring at it as though it was an abyss he was going to fall in to. He was so lost in thought that he actually jumped when Tony touched his shoulder. Turning he met Tony’s warm smile.

“Nothing has to happen until you’re ready for it to happen. Just because you said that you loved me,” he paused and seemed to savor those words, “that doesn’t mean that I expect you to sleep with me. If all you want to do is sleep that’s fine with me.”

Loki pulled Tony into his arms and rested his head on top of the messy brown locks. “How did I get so lucky? How is it, out of everyone that I’ve met, you just _get_ me?”

Tony wrapped his arms around Loki’s waist and leaned into the embrace. “You’re not as mysterious as people think. You’re different and you make people work for it if they want to get close to you. I’m just stubborn and refuse to put a puzzle down until I’ve solved it.”

A soft laugh left Loki’s lips. “And have you solved my puzzle yet?” 

Pulling back, Tony shifted until he could meet Loki’s eyes. “Not even close but I’m looking forward to finding out more.”

Loki smiled and tilted his head to catch Tony’s lips. The kiss was meant to be chaste but as soon as their lips met a spark ignited between them. Tony squeezed Loki’s waist and when the taller student gasped he took advantage and slipped his tongue past his teeth. In retaliation Loki slid his hands down Tony’s back and untucked the wine-colored shirt from the dark slacks. He slid his hands beneath the material, mapping the warm skin of Tony’s back. The engineer pulled back with moan and wormed his hands between them to unbutton Loki’s shirt. He was careful not to brush the pale neck, Loki still jerked away whenever his hands strayed too close, and watched as the pale skin was revealed inch by inch.

Pulling his hands away Loki shrugged the shirt to the floor and proceeded to unbutton Tony’s shirt. He was constantly distracted by the feeling of Tony’s hands on his body and more than once he had to stop and breathe through the sensations running through his veins. His fingers brushed the skin near the scar on Tony’s chest and it was the engineer’s turn to gasp. Finally the material was falling to the floor and Tony was dragging him down into a kiss. The feeling of skin against skin was electric, it had been months since they had done anything aside from kissing, and both young men wondered how long this evening would last.

Tired of craning his neck to get to Loki’s mouth, Tony gently pushed Loki in the direction of the bed. The lanky student sprawled out, leaning back on his elbows, and gave Tony a slight grin. “You know,” started Tony while shoving his pants down, leaving him in his boxers. “The problem is that you are too hot for your own good.” He crawled up the bed and held himself above Loki.

“Who? Me?” Loki eased himself down onto the pillows but did not make a move to touch Tony.

“Yes you.” A hot kiss was pressed to the edge of his jaw. “You have no idea how many nights I would wake to see you sprawled across the bed and it took everything I had to keep my hands to myself. Or when we went swimming and you’d come out of the water, I wanted nothing to chase those drops of water with my tongue.” He nipped sharply at Loki’s collarbone and watched as the trim body arched into the sensation. “Why do you think I spent so much time in the water? I was trying to hide how turned on I was. In fact, I blame you for my sunburn.” Tony leaned down to kiss Loki once more and moaned when long arms wrapped around him, pulling him down into Loki’s embrace. Their arousals brushed against each other and Tony adjusted his position to properly grind against Loki.

Loki arched and sighed in relief as Tony quickly unfastened his pants and yanked them down. Tony stretched out across Loki’s body once more and Loki’s hands went to his hips, controlling their speed as he attempted to find his voice. “Your restraint is admirable but you’re not exactly subtle.” Tony looked up from where he was sucking a mark on Loki’s collarbone. “I could hear you.” He licked his lips and met the dark brown eyes in front of him, not giving him a chance to look away. “When you would wake in the night, hard and sweating, I would hear you. Sometimes you would disappear into the bathroom but I remember a time or two when you couldn’t stop yourself.” He rolled his hips up hard and Tony groaned. “You thought I was asleep, maybe you were still asleep as well but I didn’t dare move. I could hear how your breath hitched as you got closer, how you tried to stay quiet when you came. After you were asleep I would lay here, hard as steel, and slip my hand beneath my pajama pants. It never took very long, I felt like I was fourteen again.”

He gave a self-depreciating laugh that was lost in Tony’s mouth. “Why didn’t you wake me?” 

Suddenly nervous, Loki found a point on the wall to stare at. “After everything I…I wasn’t sure if you would still want me like that.”

Tony pointedly ground his hips down. “Do I look like someone who doesn’t want you? Does it feel like I don’t want you?” Loki arched but refused to meet Tony’s eyes. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No…it’s okay…I’m okay.” He kissed Tony gently. “Talk to me.”

The genius raised an eyebrow. “About?”

Loki licked his swollen lips. “When you woke up at night what were you thinking about?”

“You.”

Tony didn’t think it was possible for Loki’s eyes to darken further but he was wrong. There was only a thin ring of green remaining around his blown pupils. “Tell me?”

The engineer knew this was a distraction and they _would_ be discussing Loki’s insecurity but right now his lover was in his arms and he wasn’t going to waste this opportunity. “I think we should be more comfortable for story time, what do you think?” Before Loki could reply Tony was dragging his boxers down before kicking his own away. For a moment they luxuriated in the feeling of skin on skin and lost themselves in the slow grind of their arousals.

“Talk to me,” hissed Loki while arching his back.

“I imagine taking you. Waking up in the night and shoving your pajama pants down, spreading your cheeks and seeing you slick and open for me.”

Loki gripped Tony’s hip to guide his movements. “You’d take me while I was asleep?”

“Oh no, you’re awake. When I slide my hand down you’re hard and wet for me.” Tony slid his hand down Loki’s stomach to grasp his straining length. A choked sound fell from Loki’s lips as Tony began to stroke. “I slip my fingers inside and you are so ready for me. You’re so beautiful, spread out and waiting for me to take you…”

“Take me, please, Tony…”

The engineer swore and rolled his hips for more friction. “I won’t last, baby. I want to make it good for you.”

Loki licked his palm and wrapped a hand around Tony’s cock. “Keep talking.”

It took a few beats for Tony’s brain to come back online. “I can’t help myself, I slide right in. You’re so hot and tight, like you were made just for me. I can’t help but slam into you over and over. You keep making these sounds and I…” He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt the heat build in his stomach. “Fuck, Lokes, I’m close already…”

A whimper left Loki’s lips. “Me too, don’t stop…”

Tony couldn’t concentrate on his story any longer. He paused to lick his palm before wrapping his hand around Loki once more. He could feel the tension in the taller student’s body and batted the slim fingers away to take them both in hand. Loki clung to his hip and shoulders, fingers digging deep enough to bruise. It had been too long and with a broken cry Loki was coming, his back arching high from the bed. Watching Loki fall apart was more than enough and Tony sank his teeth into Loki’s shoulder as he came.

For a long time neither one moved and eventually Tony rolled off of Loki with a groan. He grabbed a handful of tissues to clean them up and curled up next to Loki. After a moment he frowned and carefully pushed a lock of hair back from Loki’s face. “You’re shaking.”

Loki nodded and allowed Tony to pull him into his arms. “Just overwhelmed. I’m okay.”

“Can I do anything to help?”

“Just hold me, it'll pass.”

The two fell into a comfortable silence as Tony carded his fingers through Loki’s hair. Eventual Loki calmed down and Tony was nearly asleep when Loki’s voice startled him awake. “Tony?”

“Hmm…?”

“I love you.”

Tony tightened his arms around Loki. “I love you too.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again please accept my apologies regarding this story. It's been fighting and I haven't been well enough to work on it. I know this is a short chapter but I do have plans for the next one and it would have been too long if I put both chapters together. To make up for it I offer you sexy times between our two boys!
> 
> And as always comments and kudos keep me sane...ish.

Loki had planned on spending a quiet Friday evening at home attempting to get caught up on his schoolwork. Typically during the break he would use that time to get ahead in his classes but due to the events of this past summer the very thought of school made him ill. He was about two weeks ahead as it was but that wasn’t enough for him. At one point Tony had pleaded with him to come and study in his room and Loki eventually gave in. 

The adjustment to life back on campus was difficult and as usual Tony and Loki’s schedules clashed. At first it was almost physically painful to be away from Tony for an extended period of time but after a few restless weeks Loki acclimated. They tried to make time for each other but since school had begun there had been a steady stream of visitors at Tony’s door. The engineer had signed off social media for the summer and he only checked his phone for emergency calls, everything else was sent to voicemail. Everyone wanted to know what had happened to cause him to disappear and while Tony gave the excuse of a family emergency not everyone believed him. Despite his response, or lack there of, he was still in high demand and even though he tried to keep his focus on Loki it was proving to be impossible.

Considering that it was a Friday night Loki was surprised that nearly an hour had passed and no one had interrupted them. He was sprawled on Tony’s bed with a history book balanced on his chest while attempting to memorize the dates of long-forgotten wars. For once Tony was actually studying, a frown of concentration on his face, while classical music was playing in the background. It was the perfect evening, in Loki’s opinion, and he hoped that he would be able to spend more time with Tony like this. 

His thoughts were wandering when the book was suddenly plucked from his fingers and placed to the side. Before he could protest Tony was covering his lean body with his own and catching his lips in a slow kiss. Loki’s eyes fluttered closed and his hands came up to rest against Tony’s waist as they traded soft kisses. There was nothing hurried or rushed about the moment and it was nice to share this time with Tony. 

Tony threaded the fingers of one hand into Loki’s hair and smiled when he felt Loki practically sink into the bed. He rewarded the behavior with a brush of his tongue and Loki eagerly parted his lips. As their tongues teased each other Loki’s hands began to roam, tracing mindless shapes across Tony’s back and sides. He was happy to keep things chaste, for now, and let the heat and arousal between them gradually grow. They hadn’t had time for more than a few kisses, and one hasty blowjob courtesy of Tony, over the past few weeks and it was obvious that they both wanted to make this last.

Breaking the kiss Tony used his grip to gently turn Loki’s head to the side. Loki was still wary of anyone, even Tony, going near his neck but he did finally feel comfortable enough to allow Tony access to the soft spot behind his ear. The taller student could feel the rasp of Tony’s stubble before his lips pressed to the tender skin. It was like lightening arced through his veins and a gasp fell from Loki’s mouth. His hands tightened on Tony’s shoulders and he could feel Tony smiling against his skin. Tony pressed slow, wet kisses against the spot until Loki was trembling and arching against him. 

Pulling back he watched as Loki’s eyes slowly blinked open, the green nearly swallowed by the black pupil. Without breaking eye contact Tony untangled his hand from Loki’s hair and allowed his fingers to slide down Loki’s body, going lower and lower until they reached his jeans where he was already hard and straining. Loki hissed and unconsciously rolled his hips up in an attempt to get more pressure. “Did you like that, baby?”

Loki was surprised at the roughness of his voice when he spoke. “Yes.”

“Do you want more?”

The dark head nodded. “Please.”

Tony ducked his head and covered the tender skin with his mouth once more while slowly stroking the hard ridge beneath his fingers. Loki let out a cracked cry and arched sharply against Tony. The engineer used his position to hold Loki still as he worked a mark to the surface with his teeth then soothed the irritated skin with his tongue. He could feel Loki’s hips rolling beneath his hand and noticed that the cries falling from his lips were turning breathless.

The sounds the Loki was making were almost too much and Tony pulled away momentarily to shift until he was kneeling between Loki’s spread legs. After a beat the long legs wrapped around his waist and they both groaned when Tony rocked his hips forward. He caught Loki’s mouth once more and hissed at the sharp nip to his bottom lip. 

After running his tongue over the mark he lowered his head to Loki’s neck once more. The skin was already tender and the gentle brush of his lips was almost too much. Loki wrapped one hand around the back of Tony’s neck to keep him in place while the other dug into the skin of his back.

As Tony kissed Loki’s neck he began to roll his hips forward in a steady and firm rhythm. He had yet to take Loki and he moaned when he imagined sliding into the tight body. With his free hand he gripped Loki’s hip and urged the other student to rock his hips in the same rhythm. Loki quickly complied and tightened his legs around Tony’s waist.

The two moved together in a parody of the act they were both craving as Tony covered both sides of Loki’s neck with heated kisses. In the intensity of the moment Loki didn’t even notice the touches to his neck and Tony counted it as a victory. Loki pleaded for a harder and faster rhythm and Tony was more than happy to comply. He was so hard that it hurt but he didn’t want to stop. Finding the bruised skin beneath Loki’s ear Tony suddenly sank his teeth in and for a moment the world exploded behind Loki’s closed eyelids and his back arched sharply off of the bed. Tony wondered briefly if he came but then Loki was pushing him away.

“Stop…Tony, stop…” Loki pleaded.

Immediate Tony stopped and leaned up to meet Loki’s eyes. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

Loki shook his head and took a slow breath. “No but if you so much as look at me right now I’m going to come.”

Tony chuckled and moved to gently lay down next to Loki. He watched as the young man sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. “Maybe that’s what I want.” Loki’s entire body jerked and his hands tightened in the sheets. 

“W-what?”

Gently Tony placed his hand on Loki’s stomach, feeling the muscles quiver beneath his hand. “Maybe I want to watch as you lose control. You’re so beautiful when you come.” He shifted his hand slightly and heard Loki hiss. “Then I would peel you out of those clothes and kiss every inch of skin that I could see.” Loki’s hips rolled slightly and Tony could feel the movement below his hand. “Once I got rid of your jeans I would use my tongue to clean you up…and maybe share the taste in a kiss.”

“Tony…” The word sounded anguished as it fell from Loki’s lips.

“When you were nice and clean I’d roll you over onto your stomach to get you ready for me. I’d use my tongue then my fingers to stretch you.” He gently dug his fingers into Loki’s stomach. “You like mouth on your neck so much…imagine it somewhere else…”

“Tony, please!”

The genius quickly shifted and tore the button of Loki’s jeans open. He dragged down the zipper and carefully watched Loki’s face as-

“Tony!”

The yell was accompanied by a pounding on the engineer’s door which caused the two to freeze. They both stared at the door, hoping that whoever was behind it would go away if the call went unanswered. 

“Tony, I know you’re home! Come on, it’s Friday. We’re going out!” Tony placed a finger to his lips and prayed that the extremely unwelcome guest would leave.

“Tony, open the damn door!”

Loki let his head fall back onto the pillow, his arousal quickly fading. “I give up.” He moved to climb off of the bed but Tony grasped his wrist.

“Don’t go. Just let me get rid of him and…”

Shaking his head Loki pulled his arm free from Tony’s grasp. “It’s fine. Go out and have a good time. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Quickly he gathered his books and made sure that his hair covered the marks that Tony had left behind.

Tony straightened his clothing and jerked the door open. “Damn, Rumlow. Impatient much? I was in the bathroom.” 

A huge, broad-shouldered man shoved his way into the room and Loki slipped past him, hopefully, unnoticed. He hurried down towards his room and tossed his backpack into the corner. Above him he could hear the two conversing and after a handful of minutes Tony’s door closed as the two left for the evening.

Part of Loki wanted to be angry but he knew he couldn’t keep Tony to himself. Tony was popular and had tons of friends, it wouldn’t be right for Loki to take up all of his time. He was spoiled over the summer and now he was going to have to deal with the fact that he had to share Tony.

His brain was too scrambled to study and even though it was early Loki went ahead and got ready for bed. In the mirror he caught a glimpse of his reflection and gently touched the swollen skin behind his ear. The mark was already purple, a bright contrast against his fair skin, and he smiled slightly at the memory. It had been less than an hour but he already missed Tony.

“Pathetic.” He grumbled to himself while climbing into bed. Closing his eyes he was determined to keep his mind off of the engineer and with surprising swiftness he was asleep.

Hours later Loki jerked awake when he heard his door being opened. For a moment he was frozen in terror before be remembered that Thor had given Tony his spare key. He listened as the engineer stumbled into the room and Loki hoped that he didn’t knock anything important over. The bed suddenly dipped with Tony’s weight and Loki rolled to face him.

“Did you have fun?”

Tony pouted and reached for Loki. “No…th’re boring…” He ran his hands over Loki’s shoulder and down his waist. “Missed you…”

Loki jerked back, the smell of stale alcohol and smoke was making his eyes water. “You reek, if you’re going to stay go brush your teeth.”

Ignoring Loki’s words Tony began to tug on the waistband of his pajama pants. “Sh’d ‘ve stayed…wanna make you feel good…”

Loki shoved Tony away and practically leapt from the bed. “Tony, stop it.” His voice was firm as he put more and more space between himself and the engineer. “Go to bed and sleep this off. Come and find me tomorrow when you’re ready to act like an adult.”

It took a few moments for the words to sink in then Tony carefully got to his feet. His focus was on the floor and Loki was pretty sure he heard a soft sniff as Tony closed the door behind him. 

“Dammit!” Loki swore and wanted to throw something or scream but had the decency to refrain lest he wake up the entire dorm. There was no way that he would be able to get back to sleep so he flipped the lights on and grabbed his books, deciding to take his rage out on equations instead.

~*~

The following morning, it was before noon so technically it was still morning, there was a tentative knock on Loki’s door. “Can I come in?” Tony’s voice was rough and for a moment Loki considered turning him away. He knew that they were going to have to discuss what happened and eventually Loki opened the door.

Tony looked awful with dark rings below his eyes and his skin a pasty white. “Jesus, are you okay?”

The inventor shrugged and sank into Loki’s desk chair. “Lokes, I’m so fucking sorry about last night. You know I would never…”

The taller student interrupted. “Tony, it’s okay. You were drunk.”

“No, you don’t get it. I’m stronger and heavier than you. I could have seriously hurt you.” He ran a hand through his messy hair. “What if I wouldn’t have listened to you? What if…”

“Don’t finish that sentence. You did listen to me and that’s what matters.” Loki handed Tony a bottle of water before settling back on the bed. “Maybe next time you go out you should leave your extra key. Then you won’t have to worry about coming into my room.”

“Do you know how fucked up that sounds? That I can’t control myself enough to not molest my boyfriend when I’m drunk.” He scrubbed at his face with his hands. “God, Loki, why do you even put up with me?”

“Because I love you, you idiot. If you can deal with all of my issues then I can deal with a little drunken groping.”

Loki didn’t think it was possible but Tony’s shoulders sank even further. “You shouldn’t have to. I’m different when I drink and you shouldn’t be forced to deal with that.”

A long silence fell between them before Loki spoke once more. “What if you didn’t drink?” Tony’s eyes snapped to his and Loki held up a hand to halt the response. “I know it’s an addiction, an illness the same as my depression, but this summer you barely drank at all. There were a few times when things got too intense but for the most part you were sober. It’s only since we got back that your drinking has started up again.” Loki reached for Tony and led him to sit next to him on the bed. “Let me ask you a question. The guys that you went out with last night, are they your friends?”

Tony frowned. “Sure they are.”

“Really? What did you talk about?”

Suddenly Tony couldn’t meet Loki’s eyes. “Nothing really. They just bragged about who they hooked up with and which parties they’d gone to.”

“Did they ask about your ‘family emergency’ over the summer? Did they really care if you were okay or did they just want to go out and get drunk?”

“Um…”

Gently Loki used two fingers to tip Tony’s chin up. “If you want to go out and party, that’s fine with me. It’s your life and they’re your companions and I’m not going to stand in the way of that. But if you aren’t happy with the way that things are going then you’re going to have to make that decision and make those changes. No matter what you choose I’ll be right here. I love you and I’m not going anywhere.”

Tony sighed and moved to let his head rest on Loki’s shoulder, smiling slightly when he felt an arm wrap around his waist. “It’s not that easy. I’m the guy that you go to for a party, the one who can out drink everyone at the table and the one who sleeps with anything that moves. I…I don’t know how to be anyone else.”

Loki squeezed Tony and kissed the top of his head. “I hope you’re still not sleeping with anything that moves or we’re going to have a problem.”

The engineer huffed and pinched Loki’s side. “You know what I mean.”

The dark head nodded. “I do. Just remember that the only person that can change your life is you. I’ll be here to support you no matter what but you have to be the one to make the change. If you don’t want to go out then just say no. Yes, people may talk shit about you if you suddenly refuse but if they’re truly your friends then they won’t care.”

“And what if everyone suddenly hates me because I stopped going out?”

“Then it’s their loss. I know you have other friends besides those you party with. You have Rhodey and Pepper and…and…” Loki swallowed down the lump that was threatening to form in his throat. “And you have Thor. Those are just the ones I know off of the top of my head and I’m sure there’s more.”

Tony shook his head. “Not really.” He let out a harsh breath. “I never realized how few people I had in my life.”

Loki turned to face Tony. “Listen to me. I have you. That’s it. I don’t have anyone who just wants to hang out with me after class or grab a coffee to catch up. You have no idea how amazing it is that you have people in your life who have cared about you since childhood.” He used his thumb to smooth the wrinkles across Tony’s forehead. “I know this is difficult but remember that you have them and you have me. It might not be enough but-”

His words were cut off by Tony pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. “It’s enough. You’re more than enough.”

Tony let his head rest against Loki’s collarbone as long arms wrapped around him. “I know that this is a difficult decision and you don’t have to decide what to do this very minute but whatever you do decide I will be here.”

“I love you, Loki.”

“Love you too. Now why don’t you try and rest and when you get up we’ll go and get something to eat.”

Tony nodded and kissed Loki once more before making himself comfortable in Loki’s bed. The smells were familiar and in a matter of minutes he was asleep. Loki carded his fingers through Tony’s hair before settling down at his desk to study.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In all seriousness if you're still reading this let me know. I'm tempted to throw together a crappy ending just to finish it. If you're enjoying let me know and please let me know if there's something you'd like to see with the boys. My muse has jumped ship.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are amazing, I hope you know that. I was blown away with all of the responses to the last update. It might take awhile but I will make sure that this fic gets the attention it deserves just be patient and I promise I'll do my best to make you all proud.
> 
> With that being said, long chapter is long. I thought it was time to focus on Tony for a change.
> 
> As always comments and kudos make the world go 'round and keep Onyx sane...ish.

Tony was torn over his decision to stop drinking. Part of him knew that it was bad for him and that he should be sharp and aware in case Loki would need him but nearly his entire group of friends was composed of people he met at parties. There were a few he met around campus but the majority were those who wanted to go out and have a good time.

Loki bit his tongue each time Tony went out but it would have been impossible to see the worry and hurt reflected in the glass green eyes. Tony’s addiction was an illness as much as Loki’s depression and he hated that Tony wouldn’t allow him to help. He saw the irony in the situation, he went months before allowing Tony to help him, and he hated the helplessness that he felt. His chest ached with guilt and his legs itched with the need to hurt.

Instead of cutting he slept. If he wasn’t in class or with Tony he was huddled under the covers attempting to sleep away his pain. It wasn’t the healthiest coping mechanism, he slept so much that he never actually got any real rest, but it was either sleep or cutting his legs to ribbons. It was also putting more and more distance between himself and Tony but Loki couldn’t bear to watch Tony stagger home night after night.

It was one such night when Loki was abruptly woken by a loud crash above him. Tonight was the first ‘Wasted Wednesday’ of the semester and some upperclassmen were having a huge party off campus. Tony had asked Loki if he wanted to attend, the location was the same as the New Year’s Eve party from the previous year, but the taller student had shaken his head and mumbled something about needing to study.

Loki frowned at the ceiling. Typically when Tony came home he would stumble around a bit and sometimes Loki would hear the thump of his shoes on the floor but he was never this loud. With a sigh he climbed out of bed and pulled on a hoodie before heading upstairs. Tony’s room was quiet and Loki was going to kill him if he was woken up for nothing. 

Tony had given Loki his spare key and Loki squinted into the darkness of the room. His breath caught as he flipped on the lights and saw Tony splayed across the floor, a rolling desk chair toppled over at his side. Immediately Loki fell to his knees, his fingers frantically searching for a pulse. He found one, it was much too fast but it was steady, and he let out a breath of relief. Shoving the chair out of the way he carefully positioned Tony on his side and searched his phone for instructions on how to care for someone with possible alcohol poisoning.

After a few minutes Tony began to stir and let out a groan. He weakly pushed himself up and immediately slumped back to the floor. “Don’t try and move, just lay still and let this pass.”

Loki’s soft words seemed to be too loud and Tony screwed up his face in pain. “Bright…”

Quickly Loki turned off the overhead light and only left one on the side table on. Sitting back down next to Tony he gently combed his fingers through the messy brown locks and his heart ached at the soft whimper that left Tony’s lips. 

He was composing an e-mail to his professors, it was nearly three in the morning and there was no way that he was going to make it to class, when Tony stirred once more. The engineer blinked open unfocused eyes and seemed to be searching for something. Luckily Loki had been prepared and shoved the trashcan in front of him moments before he was violently ill. Loki rubbed Tony’s back as he retched and eased him back onto the floor once the wave had passed.

Dutifully Loki emptied and washed out the trashcan before sitting at Tony’s side once more. “Tony? Can you hear me?” After a beat the dark head nodded slightly. “I know you’re sick but I need to get you off of the floor. You’re going to be hurting enough as it is.” Tony whimpered but gingerly nodded his head.

Taking care not to jostle Tony more than necessary Loki began to undress him. Once his shoes and socks were tossed to the side he attempted to tug the heavy jeans down and Tony was less than cooperative. The engineer’s legs were like lead and Loki was sweating by the time he finished with the task. Carefully he eased Tony into a seated position and allowed the engineer to rest against his chest until the dizziness passed. Once Tony had settled Loki carefully eased the worn t-shirt over his head. It was a battle as none of Tony’s limbs wanted to cooperate but eventually the garment was tossed away.

“Lokes…” Tony’s voice was rough and weak.

“Don’t try to talk. I’m here and I won’t go anywhere, I promise.”

“…sick.” Obediently Loki grabbed the trashcan and held Tony as he heaved.

Loki eased Tony back down and headed into the bathroom once more. Once the trashcan was clean he looked from Tony to the bathroom and back again. While keeping one eye on Tony he grabbed a beanbag, pillows and the thick comforter from the bed. After making his nest on the bathroom floor he pulled a couple of bottles of water and sports drinks from the fridge and attached his phone charger to an extension cord. 

He knelt next to the miserable genius and nudged his shoulder. “Tony? Can you hear me?” Eventually one dark eye opened. “You can’t stay on the floor. We’ll take our time but I need you to stand up.”

Tony’s response was less than articulate and it took nearly fifteen minutes before Loki got him to his feet. Loki was more or less supporting his entire weight and suddenly the bathroom seemed very, very far away. After what seemed like an eternity Loki was able to settle onto the beanbag with Tony resting against his chest. The engineer shivered and Loki wrapped the comforter around the both of them, sharing his body heat.

For hours Loki held Tony in his arms, soothing him when he was ill and attempting to keep as many fluids in his body as possible. Even though Loki was exhausted he was determined to make sure that Tony was safe and didn’t do something stupid like accidentally crack his head open or choke on his own bile. Soon the sun was creeping around the edge of Tony’s curtains and Loki felt his eyelids droop. Tony had been dozing peacefully for about an hour and he finally allowed himself to rest.

~*~

It seemed to take ages for Tony’s consciousness to swim to the surface and his first thought was one of confusion. He was curled against a warm body, he was praying that it was Loki, but he wasn’t laying down. Instead he was propped up slightly and seemed to be using the body beneath him as a pillow. Shifting slightly he frowned when his feet encountered something hard and cold. Okay, not in bed then.

It was a monumental feat but he finally managed to pry his eyes open and blinked several times to clear his vision. He was in the bathroom. Why the hell was he asleep in the bathroom? This wasn’t the first time he’d fallen asleep on the bathroom floor but he had no idea why someone was here with him. It was then that he noticed the partially drained bottles of water and sports drinks and wondered how long his human pillow had been there.

Even though his head was throbbing he managed to turn his head and was both relieved and puzzled to see that his pillow was indeed Loki. The raven haired young man had his head bent back at a painful angle and even in sleep a frown marred his forehead. Tony knew that if he tried to get up he would wake Loki and decided to risk the other student’s wrath, he had to know what happened last night.

“Loki?” Tony’s voice was hoarse and his throat ached. “Lokes?”

The green eyes snapped open and immediately flew to Tony’s face. “What is it? Are you okay?”

Tony nodded then glanced around. “What happened?”

Loki frowned. “What do you remember?”

It took Tony a few minutes to sift through the hazy memories. “Not much. I remember falling and getting sick…you rubbed my back. The room kept spinning and then it was cold…and…not a whole lot after that.”

Even though Loki was grateful that Tony was okay he wasn’t able to to keep the frustration out of his voice. “What happened was you went to that stupid party and got blackout drunk before somehow making it back here. You woke me up by falling over and dragging your desk chair with you. It’s probably a good thing that you did or else you probably would have choked on your own vomit.” He let out a slow breath in an attempt to calm himself. “I thought you had alcohol poisoning. You have no idea how many times I nearly called the paramedics last night. You were shaking and couldn’t even keep water down.” It took Tony a moment to realize that now _Loki_ was shaking. “I didn’t know what to do, I thought I might lose you.”

Tony couldn’t stand to look at Loki anymore, his heart had joined the other aches within his body. “I’m sorry, Loki. I should never have gone to that party.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. I told you that it was a bad idea but you’re so concerned with your reputation that you’d rather die than take care of yourself.” It was obvious that Loki was exhausted and that plus his worry loosened his tongue. “Can you stand? I’d rather not have this conversation on the bathroom floor.”

Shakily Tony climbed to his feet and clung to the door frame as Loki unfolded himself from the floor. Knees and vertebrae cracked in protest as he bent to gather the strewn bedding. With quick and efficient movements he remade the bed and gestured for Tony to sit. Once the engineer was seated with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders Loki shoved a bottle of water into his hands but was too agitated to sit still.

He paced the room, his hands running through his hair, his eyes unable to meet those of his love. “This has to stop. I know that you are sick, that you are a slave to this addiction but the first step is admitting that you have a problem. I know this is rich coming from me, you literally had to cut me away from my demons, but at least I’m trying to get better! I take my medication, I go to therapy, and I haven’t cut myself in weeks. Trust me, the urge is there and I know I’ve been using other methods to cope but I’m trying!” He finally turned to look at Tony who was silently shredding the label of the water bottle. “I know you feel as though you have to go out, that you have to drink but you’re wrong. You’re so much more than that.”

Loki sat down across from Tony and took the coarse hands in his own. “Tony, I love you but last night I thought I was going to lose you. Maybe you were trying to punish me for everything that I put you through and, congratulations, it worked. I guess we’re even now. But you can’t keep doing this. Eventually there’s going to come a time when the next morning never comes.” He tightened his grip and urged Tony to look at him. “You once told me that you didn’t want to live in a world that I wasn’t in and I don’t want that either. Tony, you saved my life. I love you will all of my heart and I don’t know what I would do without you. Please stop this, Tony. I will do what ever you ask of me but this has to stop. Please.”

The look in Tony’s eyes was unreadable but Loki refused to look away. Finally instead of speaking Tony threw his arms around Loki and buried his face against the pale neck. Loki held him just as fiercely and was shocked to realize that Tony was crying. He had only seen the genius cry a time or two but he held on as sobs wracked the compact body. “I don’t know what to do. Loki, I don’t know what to do!”

“Shh…it’s okay. Take a deep breath or you’ll be sick again. That’s it.” Eventually Tony’s sobs faded and Loki eased him back onto the bed. Loki slipped beneath the covers and pulled the inventor close. “Why don’t you see if you can rest and we’ll sort this out later.”

“Aren’t you going to class?”

“I e-mailed my professors hours ago. Now go to sleep and I’ll be here when you wake up.

~*~

When Tony woke hours later his entire body ached as though he had the flu. Carefully he sat up, thankful that his head was no longer throbbing. Loki was still sleeping and even in rest the lanky student seemed exhausted. He knew that Loki had been hiding, quite literally, from his demons and chastised himself for caring more about partying and maintaining his image than the love of his life.

Almost on cue Loki began to stir and blinked open heavy eyes. “How are you feeling?” Tony shrugged and shifted to give Loki enough room to sit next to him. Loki nudged Tony’s shoulder while gently running his hand along his back. “Feel like talking?” The engineer shook his head and resisted the urge to lean into the soothing touch. Waves of guilt were practically pouring off of him and for a moment Loki was at a loss. He was so used to being the weak one that he wasn’t sure how to take care of someone else.

“Come on, let’s get you in the shower.”

Loki knew that Tony was feeling low because not a single quip left his lips as he trudged into the bathroom. The shower was too small for two full grown men but somehow they made it work. Tony’s arms came around Loki’s waist and held on loosely while the taller student carefully washed his hair, taking care to keep any soap from his eyes. Once they were both clean Loki returned Tony’s embrace and the two stood under the spray until the water turned cool.

Sitting Tony on the closed toilet seat Loki hastily dried himself off before turning to do the same to the engineer. Memories of all of the times Tony had performed the same action flashed through his mind and he set his jaw; Tony needed him and he would be damned if he allowed his issues to overshadow Tony’s needs.

Once Tony was dry they both pulled on comfortable clothes, Loki kept a few outfits upstairs for this very reason, and sat back down on the bed. Loki knew that they needed to talk but he also knew that he wouldn’t get anything from Tony until he was ready. He placed a steady hand on the engineer’s knee, providing silent support as the inventor sorted his thoughts.

“I don’t know how to do this.”

The words were so sudden that Loki jumped. “Do what?”

Tony huffed in agitation. “I’m a genius. I built my first engine when I was six, my senior project was building a functioning robot and I’ve almost finished working on an AI…so why can’t I do this?!”

Loki gently grasped Tony’s flailing hands. “Tony, calm down. What is it that you can’t do?”

Wide brown eyes filled with unshed tears met his own. “Ask for help.”

Tony’s words were so soft and his tone was so broken that Loki was forced to swallow down his emotions. "I have good news for you. You don’t need to ask.”

“I don’t?”

Loki brushed a tear away with his thumb. “Nope. I’m offering. Whatever you need, no matter how stupid or insignificant it may seem, it's yours. All you have to do is let me know.”

Tony nodded and turned his head, pressing a kiss against Loki’s palm. “This is terrifying.”

“Trust me, I know.”

Once more silence stretched between them before Tony spoke up. “I…can you…um…can you throw them away?”

“Throw what away?”

“All of the…erm….bottles.”

“Of course. Just show me where.”

Tony sat propped against the headboard, hugging a pillow tight to his chest, as Loki dutifully poured the contents of each bottle down the sink. Despite the distance the smell was still getting to him and he buried his face in the pillow, inhaling the subtle scent of Loki’s shampoo.

“Is that all of them?”

“In my backpack there’s a flask.”

Loki quickly located it and disposed of it quickly. He rinsed the vessel out and left it to dry on the counter. “Any more?” Tony wouldn’t quite meet his eyes and Loki sat down next to him. “Tony, I will do whatever you need me to do but in order for this to work you have to trust me. I know how hard it is to trust someone, especially with something like this, but all I want is to help you." Letting out a shaky breath Tony pointed towards the nightstand. Loki retrieved the half-empty bottle and quickly discarded it. “Any more?

“No. I promise. There’s nothing stronger than mouthwash in here.”

“Okay. I’m going to throw these out.”

Carefully Loki heaved the bag over his shoulder, the bottles rattling with each step. He returned after a few minutes and sat back down next to Tony. “Thank you.”

Loki smiled and kissed the stubbled cheek. “You’re welcome. There is one more thing I’d like you to do.” A dark eyebrow rose. “Let me see your phone.” Quickly Loki added a number. “I added Dr. Cho as a contact. I’m not sure if she’s someone who can treat you but she can at least point you in the right direction.”

At the mention of the doctor Tony visibly paled. “Do you think that’s really necessary? I’m sure I’ll be okay just getting through it. Once the withdrawal pain is over I should be fine.”

“Weren’t you the one who told me there was no shame in going to therapy?” Loki wrapped an arm around Tony’s shoulders. “Tony, you’re sick. You have an addiction but that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“What if people find out?”

“I believe you told me, and I quote, ‘fuck’em’”

Tony managed a laugh and burrowed deeper into Loki’s arms. “I’m serious. I’m a Stark. What will people say if they find out that I’m in recovery?”

“No one has to know anything. I’m sure Dr. Cho will be able to find an outpatient solution and if she can’t then we’ll say you’re taking a leave of absence. Remember, it’s just like what you told me while we were at the lake. If anyone makes fun of you for trying to take care of your issues then they’re the ones with the problem. Addiction is a real illness and anyone who is truly your friend won’t care if you’re not drinking anymore.”

“But…but that’s who I am, I’m the guy who parties and comes up with the best drinking games.”

Loki brushed a kiss against his temple. “You’re so much more than that. I only went to one party with you and if I remember correctly it didn’t end that well.”

Tony took one of Loki’s hands in his own. “Oh, I don’t know. I think it ended pretty well…until you allowed yourself to think about it.”

It was Loki’s turn to laugh. “True but what I’m trying to say is that you’ve allowed me to see a different side of you. You listened to me bitch about my crappy situation with my family, you took care of me when I ended up in the hospital, hell…you cut me down and breathed life back into me. Tony, you are brilliant and funny and kind and generous and would you like me to continue listing adjectives?” The engineer shook his head and Loki glimpsed his smile. “What I’m trying to say is that you are so much more than the guy trying to drink his father’s fortune away. And that man is the one I fell in love with.”

Tony twisted and kissed Loki gently. “Thank you.”

“Any time. How does pizza and a movie marathon sound?”

“You’re not going to use your day off to study?”

“Nope. I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be.”


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! Kind of...
> 
> Anyway here's a short little update for you. I was going to make it longer but it ended up being wayyy too long. Hopefully I'll have time to work on the next update soon.
> 
> Also, for those of you who asked I did write a very NSFW continuation of chapter 29 called 'No More Interruptions' so feel free to give it a read. 
> 
> As always comments and kudos give me life!

Loki knew that getting Tony to go to therapy was going to be difficult but he didn’t realize _how_ difficult it truly would be. Tony kept putting off Dr. Cho, giving every manner of excuse possible until Loki gave up and bodily marched Tony to his car. His glare and promise of severe consequences was the only thing that kept Tony from turning the car around when they pulled up in front of Dr. Cho’s office. Loki gave up his own appointment in order for Tony to see the therapist and paced the waiting room nervously, his hands twitching nervously at his side.

When the door finally opened Tony stormed out and Loki barely had time to glance at Dr. Cho’s sympathetic face before rushing after him. The engineer’s hands were shaking so badly that he dropped his keys twice and after the second time Loki scooped them up. The drive back was silent and Loki forced himself to focus on the road instead of Tony’s red-rimmed eyes. Once they reached the dorm Tony’s door was slamming in his face before he had the opportunity to ask if Tony wanted him to stay the night. The rejection made his chest ache and he stared at the closed door for a long time before retreating to his room.

Loki didn’t see or hear from Tony from days and even though he knew he was working through his issues it still stung. He couldn’t blame Tony, over the summer he had locked himself away for days on end and didn’t care if he was hurting Tony or not. His legs itched for his blade but instead Loki forced himself to go outside and run off his frustration. He always had his phone with him and more than once nearly tripped while attempting to check it while running.

After nearly a week Tony appeared at his door looking pale and exhausted. He didn’t speak he simply wrapped his arms around Loki and held him tightly. Loki returned the gesture and they spent the night like that, not speaking but simply holding each other tightly. The next morning Tony attempted to beg for forgiveness and when Loki wouldn’t hear it he took a more physical approach by laying the lanky student down and using his mouth and hands to drive him mad until he was a sweaty, shaking mess.

The biggest challenge came over the weekend when Rumlow and company showed up at Tony’s door. Loki had made himself scarce that evening and looked towards his ceiling when he heard the heavy footsteps. After a few minutes the footsteps faded and soon Tony was knocking on Loki’s door. He looked lost and Loki guided him to sit down.

“What happened?”

It seemed to take a few moments for the normally lightning-fast brain to process the information. “They laughed at me.”

Loki frowned and sat down next to Tony. “What?”

“Rumlow…he…they didn’t believe me. I told them that I had other plans and when I wouldn’t give them details they called me names and laughed at me.” For a moment Loki was taken aback, the words sounded so juvenile and childish but then he remembered that Tony had always been popular. He’d been a prodigy and people were always scrambling to be his friend. This was probably the first time that he’d ever been ridiculed by anyone, aside from Howard, in his life.

Loki wrapped an arm around the slumping shoulders. “I’m sorry, that sucks. But it’s their loss, they have no idea how amazing you are even when you aren’t drinking.”

“Is it always going to be like this?”

“Like what?”

“Are people going to laugh at me for not drinking?”

Loki was silent for a long time. “Let me let you in on a little secret. People suck. People are cruel and selfish and will attack anything that goes against what they think is right in their minds. So to answer your question, yes; there is a high possibility that people will give you a hard time for refusing to go out anymore. The thing to remember is that they’re only like this because they did not get their way. No matter how old they get people still act like spoiled children when something goes wrong.” He tightened his grip slightly. “There is a silver lining though. Now you’ll be able to see who truly is your friend or who is just hanging around because of your name or because of your reputation.”

Tony nodded and picked at a frayed hem on his jeans. “I feel so stupid. Why did I never notice this?”

“Because you’ve always been the center of attention for some reason or another but recently you’ve become the center of attention for the wrong reasons. Give it time, it won’t happen overnight, but eventually you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who care about _you_.”

“I know that you don’t like going out but do you think we could do something? I need to get away from the dorm.”

“Of course, what did you have in mind?”

“What about dinner and a movie?”

Loki pulled back and placed a dramatic hand on his chest. “Why Mr. Stark, are you asking me on a date?”

A grin began to pull at Tony’s lips. “Maybe I am.” He leaned close and watched Loki’s eyes darken. “So what do you say? Will you go out with me tonight?” 

Loki knew that he was smiling like an idiot but he didn’t care. “Of course.”

~*~

The following week Tony started going to therapy and was more than a little intimidated when he was first introduced to his therapist. The counselor was a huge dark-skinned man with a shaved head and looked as though he bench pressed small cars on his days off. After getting over his shock Tony sat down and discovered that he did really enjoy the other man’s company. His name was Luke and he’d been sober for nearly fifteen years. He was originally from Harlem and his stories of the city’s past fascinated Tony. He also took no shit and was intimidating enough that a single look could shut Tony down mid-rant. Luke could care less that Tony was the heir to the Stark empire and it was refreshing to talk to someone who knew what he was going through and how to deal with the struggles he was facing.

It didn’t take long for people to realize that Tony had stopped partying but no one suspected that he was getting sober, everyone assumed that he had some girl that he was spending all of his time with. Loki and Tony still kept their relationship rather low-key and neither one was willing to bring unnecessary attention to it. When they went out they held hands and were affectionate but on campus they didn’t do more than sit near each other or occasionally brush against each other when they walked. None of their classes were in the same building so their interactions on campus were minimal and they were more than happy to keep it that way.

Everything seemed to change in October and for a week Tony was twitchy and kept giving Loki strange glances. Loki’s first thought was that it was just symptoms of his withdrawal but he soon discovered that the erratic behavior had nothing to do with Tony’s sobriety.

After returning from a run Loki was surprised to see Tony perched on his bed. “Did we have plans?”

The engineer shook his head. “No, I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Of course. Can it wait until after I’ve had a shower or is it urgent?”

“It can wait.”

Loki toed off his sneakers and tugged his shirt over his head. “Care to join me?” He arched an eyebrow when Tony shook his head. It was rare for Tony to turn down an opportunity for sex. “Alright, just give me a few minutes.”

Tony was playing a game on his tablet when Loki emerged with a towel slung around his shoulders. He sat down across from the inventor and ran a wide-toothed comb through his hair. “I’m all yours, what’s up?”

The brunette’s bottom lip was swollen from chewing on it. “What are you going to be for the masquerade this year?”

Loki was surprised by the question and cocked his head to the side. “I was thinking about going as the phantom from ‘The Phantom of the Opera’. Either all black with the hat like in the Broadway play or as the Red Death from the movie, I haven’t had a chance to go shopping yet. What about you?”

“I think a jester, I’ve always wanted one of those hats with the little bells.”

“Let me know if you need any help with it.”

Tony nodded and took a deep breath to steady himself. “Loki, would…would you go to the masquerade with me?”

The taller student frowned in confusion. “I was already planning on going with you.”

“No. Will you go _with_ me…as my date?”

The room fell deathly silent for a beat. “Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure. I love you and there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to be with you in public.” Tony’s eyes slipped downwards as his voice softened. “Unless you don’t want to be seen with me…”

Immediately Loki moved closer to grasp Tony’s hand. “No! That’s not what I meant.” Gently he tipped Tony’s chin up in order to meet his eyes. “I would love to go with you. I just want to make sure that you’ve thought this through. Remember when I said that people were cruel? They’re even more so when it comes to sexuality. I’ve been out since middle school and I still flinch when I see a large group coming near me.” He paused to take both of Tony’s hands in his own. “People are going to talk and it won’t take any time for this to get out. There’s a good time that Howard and most likely the media will hear about this. Are you ready for that kind of exposure? For those types of difficult conversations?”

Tony squeezed Loki’s hands. “Yes. I’ve been talking to Luke about it and he says that I should go with my heart. I know that I love you and that I want to show the world that you are mine. I could care less about other people’s opinions. I’ve been in front of a camera since I was born.” He pressed a kiss to the pale knuckles in his grasp. “I have to ask are _you_ ready to date a Stark? I’ve heard it’s pretty intense.”

Loki laughed and leaned forward to kiss Tony gently. “I think I can handle it.”


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *grovels* I'm so, so sorry I'm so late with this. I've been really ill lately, my depression and anxiety reached a point where I'm actually on disability from work because things got so bad. I've had this chapter in my head for awhile I just haven't been able to to write it. Hopefully with the new meds and some time off of work I can be a little more efficient with this fic.
> 
> This was another chapter that wasn't supposed to happen. It was supposed to be the masquerade but these two went and demanded fluff. 
> 
> Also, I got fan art! *runs around screaming* I've never had fan art before! Click the link and give the amazing @LaxusMaster some love.
> 
> https://www.deviantart.com/laxus-master/art/Its-Not-That-Kind-of-Fairytale-1-763281024
> 
> As always, comments and kudos keep me sane..ish...

Loki blinked open heavy eyes and was surprised to see Tony sitting next to him working on his tablet. The engineer still had on his pajamas but any creases left behind by sleep had faded so he must have been awake for awhile. His movement jostled Tony and warm brown eyes met his own.

“You’re up early.”

Tony placed his tablet on the nightstand and toyed with the messy black locks. “It’s after ten, babe.”

“What?” Loki sat up so quickly that he nearly smacked Tony in the nose. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep so late!”

Wrapping an arm around the lean waist Tony pulled Loki close. “Relax. It’s the weekend and it seemed as though you needed it.”

“But I wasted the morning.”

“So? Did you have plans for today?”

“No buts…”

Tony pressed a kiss against Loki’s cheek. “No buts. Let’s have a throwaway day today. No classes, no studying, no campus. We’ll do anything you want.”

“Well…”

“We can go into the city and check out that new costume shop that just opened.”

Even in the dim light Loki’s eyes gleamed with interest. “Our costumes are finished, it’s not like we need anything else.” He was trying to downplay his excitement but Tony knew him far too well.

“That doesn’t mean that we can’t go and just look around. Plus there’s a new ice cream parlor on the West side that uses liquid nitrogen.”

Loki snorted. “Nerd.”

“Yep but I’m your nerd.”

Shaking his head Loki stood and stretched his arms over his head, sighing in relief when his back popped. After lowering his arms he couldn’t help but smirk; his shirt had ridden up during his stretch and even now Tony was unashamedly staring. “Care to join me in the shower?”

Tony almost fell off of the bed in his haste. “What happened to wasting the morning?”

“If you think sex with me is a waste of time then I’m doing something wrong…”

~*~ 

Later when the two were flushed from both the hot water and other activities they climbed into Tony’s car and drove into the city. It was officially Fall and the trees were painted in beautiful shades of gold, orange and crimson. Parking was a nightmare but the two managed to squeeze Tony’s car into a tiny spot between a SUV and a brick wall. Loki was grateful that he was thin or it would have been impossible for him to get out.

To Tony’s delight Loki immediately took his hand and laced their fingers together as they wandered down the sidewalk. It was a beautiful day and the city was buzzing which allowed them to blend in to the crowds. Loki’s social anxiety was getting better but there were still days when he could barely leave his room. Luckily today seemed to be one of his good days and he chatted excitedly about this and that as the wandered through town.

It didn’t take long for them to find the new costume shop and Tony quickly let go of Loki’s hand as his boyfriend ran off. He knew that it was only a matter of time before Loki ran up to him with some treasure that he discovered and strolled lazily through the racks of clothes. The store was busy due to the fact that it was nearly Halloween but it was large enough that they didn’t feel suffocated and due to Loki’s height he was fairly easy to spot.

Sure enough within five minutes Loki was rushing towards him with something cradled in his hands. “Tony, look at this!” It was a beautiful ear cuff in the shape of a dragon. The body was silver and the eyes and accents were faux onyx which glinted under the artificial lights. “I have absolutely no reason to wear it and it doesn’t doesn’t go with my costume at all but…”

Tony silenced him with a kiss. Loki blinked in surprise then frowned when Tony took the cuff from him. The engineer tucked his hair behind his ear then carefully attached the cuff being careful not to scratch him with the ornamental claws. “Beautiful…” He hadn’t meant to speak but the way Loki’s face lit up told him that his slip was worth it.

“Really?”

“Really.”

Loki glanced around for a mirror and twisted in order to see the piece. He touched it gently then smiled when he caught Tony’s eyes in the mirror. After a moment he sighed then moved to remove the piece. Tony’s hand came up to stop him and he frowned. “What?”

“It suits you, you should get it.”

“I have no reason to wear it plus it’s out of my budget for the month.”

Tony immediately wanted to say that he would buy it but Loki could be iffy when it came to gifts. “Just wear it around for awhile and we can put it back before we leave.” He stepped closer, getting into Loki’s personal space, and let his hands grip the trim hips. “And I like how it looks on you.”

“Oh yeah?” Loki was forced to lick his lips as his mouth had suddenly become very dry.

“Yeah. It makes me want to leave a mark on your neck right here,” Tony pressed a quick kiss against the skin,” so when you show the cuff off everyone will know that you’re mine.”

Loki sucked in a deep breath and reminded himself that they were in public and dragging Tony into one of the dressing rooms in order to blow him would more than likely be frowned upon. “You’re a dead man when we get back.”

Tony laughed then pecked his lips. “Promises promises…now let’s see what they have upstairs.”

The two spent nearly two hours in the store trying on various costumes and trying to outdo each other with their ridiculous outfits. Finally Loki’s stomach began to make its presence known and they hung the costumes back on their respective racks. 

They were almost to the door when Loki’s hand flew to his ear. “Oh, I almost forgot. Let me put this back.”

Once again he was stopped by Tony. “You don’t have to.”

A dark eyebrow rose. “Why?”

“Because I kind of bought it?” Loki opened his mouth to protest but Tony stopped him. “I know what you’re going to say but I wanted to buy it for you plus I like seeing you wearing something that I bought you.”

“Is that so?”

This time it was Tony’s voice to go rough at the look in Loki’s eyes. “Yeah.”

“It’s a good thing you’re the heir to an empire, Tony, because I love emeralds and onyx.” He laughed then hugged Tony and kept his arms around him after he pulled back. “Seriously, thank you. I love it.”

“You’re welcome and if I had it my way I’d have you covered in gems from head to toe.”

“Only in gems?”

Tony groaned. “Now who is being the tease? Come on, I’m starving.”

~*~

Hours later full of pizza and ice cream the two were making their way back to the car. Tony was talking a mile a minute about the use of liquid nitrogen in ice cream and Loki was wondering how he was going to squeeze back into the car after eating so much. 

The two were lost in their own world when a voice made both of them freeze. “Loki?”

Loki gripped Tony’s hand tightly as they both slowly turned. “Thor?”

The blonde was wiping his hand on a rag, dark smears of grease staining the material. He was wearing black jeans and a t-shirt with the logo of the body shop they had just passed emblazoned across the chest. The most shocking detail was his hair. The long blonde locks were gone and his hair was shorn close to his skull. He looked so different that Loki would have passed him on the street.

Loki’s voice was gone and his skin was pale as he faced his adopted brother for the first time in months. Tony could feel the tremble in his limbs and moved to step between Thor and Loki. “Are you okay? We can leave right now if you need to.”

After a moment Loki seemed to come back to himself. “I’m okay.” He motioned for Tony to move and took a slow breath. “What happened to your hair?”

If Thor was surprised at Loki’s choice of topic he didn’t let it show. He started to reach for his hair before remembering the state of his hands and letting his arm fall away. “It was getting in the way and I got sick of it always getting tangled or matted with grease so I chopped it all off. Yours is getting long though.”

Loki’s hair fell past his shoulders now and even though he was tempted to cut it he loved the way that it felt when Tony ran his fingers through it. He also loved the way that Tony would fist it when in bed but definitely wasn’t going to bring that up in front of Thor. Loki nodded and glanced at the shop behind Thor. “How long have you been here?”

“A few months. My boss is pretty cool with my hours so I can go to therapy and it pays well. I’ve always been good with cars so...” Thor twisted the rag in his hands nervously then glanced at his watch. “I have to get back but do you think it would be okay if I text you sometime? It’s completely up to you and I know that this must be hard for you and…”

“Hush you oaf.” Despite the words Thor smiled at the insult. “Yeah, I guess that would be okay. But don’t blow up my phone if I don’t answer right away, okay?”

“Okay.” Thor started to turn away but paused. “You two look good together, you both look happy. Take it easy, okay?” With that he waved and disappeared back into the shop.

Loki made it around the corner before leaning heavily against the wall of a closed store. His head fell forward and he let out a deep breath.

“Are you okay?”

He held up a hand, wanting to make sure that the contents of his stomach stayed in place before opening his mouth. After a few moments he straightened back up. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just shocked to see him. I certainly wasn’t expecting that.”

“Me either.” Tony didn’t touch Loki but stood close enough to offer his comfort. “Are you sure you’re okay with him texting you? You could have said no.”

The dark head nodded. “I am. We’ve been through so much this year and I think it’s time for me to start confronting some of my demons. And honestly? I miss him. Despite everything he’s my brother. I don’t know how things are going to be between us but the least I can do is send him a text.”

Tony stepped close and kissed his forehead. “I’m so proud of you.” Loki flushed and took the proffered hand. “Do you want to head back?”

“Do you think we could drive around for awhile? It’s a beautiful day and I just need to think.”

“Of course.”

The two spent the rest of the afternoon aimlessly driving around, stopping at random points to enjoy the scenery and laughing when they got lost on the back roads. That night Tony did exactly as he promised, laying Loki down and using his mouth on Loki’s neck below his ear so when he wore the cuff everyone would be able to see Tony’s mark. He wasn’t sure if Loki would actually pull his hair back so the mark was visible but the thought made Tony’s blood race and he proceeded to show Loki exactly how much the concept excited him.

Despite sleeping in Loki fell asleep first, his head pillowed on Tony’s chest. The drama of seeing Thor had drained him and Tony’s chest swelled with pride when he remembered the encounter. Loki had come so far from that broken boy in the forest and Tony couldn’t wait to see the strides he would make in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked it leave a comment, it only takes a second! Feel free to come and bother me on Tumblr if you want @onyxfyrefly


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! 
> 
> I was trying my best to get this finished today and despite my fuzzy companion insisting on sitting on my lap I managed to finish it in time! So first of all, long chapter is long. I have stories shorter than this chapter. Also, it gets a little smutty at the end so if it's not your cup of tea just skip the last section.
> 
> I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday and please fill my trick-or-treat bucket with kudos and comments!

“Dammit, Tony! Will you please just sit still?”

“I don’t understand why makeup has to be involved.”

Loki rolled his eyes and counted back from ten…then twenty…then fifty. “It’s Halloween. People wear makeup all of the time for Halloween!”

“Yeah but that’s when they’re dressed as zombies or dripping with gore. Not when they’re dressed as a literary character!”

This outburst was extremely out of character for the engineer and Loki placed the eyeliner pencil to the side before placing his hands on Tony’s shoulders. “This isn’t about makeup, is it?” Tony refused to meet his eyes and shrugged. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

Pulling away Tony began to pace the room, toying with knickknacks on Loki’s shelves and looking everywhere but at his lanky boyfriend. “I…I’m just nervous about tonight. I know when we go to the movies or around town we hold hands and it’s obvious that we’re a couple but showing up together at this dance...” Tony sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I know we’re going to be in costume but what will happen if someone recognizes us? And after midnight and the unmasking everyone is going to know and…and…I’m afraid.” The words were spoken softly and Loki felt something sharp inside of him twist.

He crossed the room and pulled Tony into his arms. “We don’t have to go. We can stay in and watch stupid horror movies and eat candy until we’re sick. Or we can go into the city where no one knows us and find a party. It’s up to you but we absolutely do not have to go to the masquerade.”

Tony shifted and tightened his grip on Loki’s waist. “This is so stupid. Why am I afraid? I love you and I want everyone to know that you’re mine. I want to hold your hand when we walk to class and get caught making out behind the library and dance with you at all of the dances. It’s just…shit…why is this so hard?”

Loki pulled back until he could meet Tony’s eyes. “It’s hard because for your entire life you have modeled yourself on your reputation and what others thought of you. Now, for the first time, you get to be your own person and trust me, that it terrifying.” He leaned down to gently kiss Tony. “But even though the process is scary the end result is worth it. From now on you don’t have to just be the partier or the playboy or the heir. You just get to be Tony.” Leaning close as though there was a secret his green eyes glinted. “And let me tell you, the Tony that I know is pretty fucking awesome.”

Tony ducked his head and felt his cheeks burn. “Lokes…”

“I mean it. He’s smart and funny and not too hard on the eyes either.”

This time Tony laughed and wrapped his arms around Loki’s shoulders. “Oh yeah? I heard he has a great ass too.”

Loki reached down to grab Tony’s ass and dragged them closer together. “Mmm…I have to agree that it is pretty great.” 

Tony tugged Loki down and their mouths met in a slow but heated kiss. When they pulled away both of them were smiling that the worry that had clouded Tony’s eyes had faded. “Love you.”

“Love you too. Now my offer still stands. Whatever we decide to do tonight is completely up to you.”

“I want to go to the dance.”

A dark eyebrow rose. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“Even if it involves eyeliner?”

“Yes, even if it involves eyeliner.”

Loki grinned then after another kiss unwound his arms from around Tony. “Have a seat and let’s finish getting ready.”

Tony sat in Loki’s desk chair and watched as the student sharpened the eyeliner pencil. “You never explained the purpose of the eyeliner by the way.”

“To emphasize your eyes. Your mask will do most of the work but the black around your eyes will really make them pop.”

“You do realize that almost everyone will be drunk and I doubt that anyone will care if my ‘eyes pop’.”

“I will and that’s what matters.” Without warning Loki swung his leg over Tony’s and straddled the engineer.

“You seriously expect me to sit still with you sitting like that?”

Loki grinned and teasingly rocked his hips forward causing Tony to suck in a sharp breath. “Think of it as a test. If you’re good then you’ll get a reward.”

“What kind of reward?” Tony licked his lips nervously.

“It’s a surprise now hold still.”

It only took a few minutes for Loki to ring Tony’s eyes with the dark makeup, using his fingers to smudge the lines slightly. Tony was true to his word, sitting ramrod straight and barely breathing as Loki worked.

Once Loki was finished he stretched to place the pencil on the desk behind Tony then took his time looking the inventor over, grasping his chin and turning his head this way and that as he admired his handiwork. 

His appraisal lasted so long that Tony began to squirm beneath the intense gaze. “Well? What do you think?”

“I can’t decide…”

Tony frowned. “Decide on what?”

A wicked smirk began to tug at Loki’s lips. “I can’t decide on how late we’re going to be to the masquerade.”

It took a second for Tony to process the words before a lazy grin spread across his face. His hands went to Loki’s hips as he pulled him closer, the leather pants doing nothing to hide his interest. “Do you like what you see?”

Loki wound his arms around Tony’s neck, his fingers toying with the short hair at the base of his skull. “Remember the first time you saw me in eyeliner?”

Tony’s eyes darkened at the memory. Before the events of the summer had occurred Tony had agreed to go to an open mic at a cafe in the city. When he’d opened the door to Loki’s dorm he had stopped short at the sight. Loki had been in his usual uniform of a t-shirt, skinny jeans and combat boots but his eyes were lined darkly and his hair was pulled back at the nape of his neck which made the green orbs stand out even more sharply.

Needless to say they didn’t make it to the open mic night.

Tony had locked the door behind him before dropping to his knees in front of Loki. He had brought the other student off twice with his mouth, his eyes locked on Loki’s face as he lost himself in pleasure. It had only taken a touch to bring himself off and after that night Loki made it a point to wear eyeliner much more often.

Shaking himself free of the memory Tony licked suddenly dry lips and nodded. “Yeah, I remember. But there’s no way I look as good as you did.”

“No…you look better.” Without giving Tony a chance to reply Loki was surging forward to catch his mouth in a kiss. A swipe of his tongue and he was delving into the warm depths of Tony’s mouth, their tongues working against each other as their bodies picked up the rhythm. Tony’s hands slid around Loki’s body to grab his ass, his fingers digging into the denim that was stretched tautly over the firm backside. Loki broke the kiss to groan before mouthing at Tony’s neck.

“I have a feeling…fuck…that we’re going to be late.”

Loki nipped sharply at the skin before kissing Tony once more. ‘Who said you would be getting your reward now?”

Tony’s eyebrows flew upwards. “You can’t be serious. You’re not going to leave me like this!”

A hot wet tongue teased at Tony’s ear before sharp teeth nipped at the lobe. “Think of the anticipation, Anthony. Trying to keep yourself under control all night when all you want to do is drag me into some dark corner and fuck me until I can’t stand. That almost happened last year, do you remember? You pulled me into that tiny alcove and I slid my fingers into your tight body. Imagine what would have happened if your friends hadn’t come looking for you?”

Tony’s head fell back with a groan. “Who are you and what have you done with Loki?”

The taller student laughed and carefully stood. He unashamedly adjusted himself as he reached for the shirt that accompanied his costume. “That’s the magic of Halloween, for one night you get to be someone else.” Tony grumbled something under his breath then began to get ready.

Originally Tony was going to be a jester but while costume shopping he had discovered a skull mask and had changed his costume on the spot. It was a somewhat traditional white mask but had the detail and ridges of a real skull. On the same trip he found a large, somewhat flamboyant, red hat adorned with a large black feather and the moment he placed it on his head he knew he had to have it. He had suffered through English Lit in the spring and vaguely remembered reading ‘The Masque of the Red Death’. With Loki’s help he managed to put together a rather convincing costume.

Aside from the hat and mask he wore a long red coat with black and gold detail that fell to his knees, a black dress shirt, a red waistcoat, black leather pants and blood red combat boots. It was a more modern twist on the look and it was doubtful that anyone would recognize him but from the looks that Loki kept shooting him he could care less.

Loki had planned on a simple costume of the Phantom from ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ but had discovered a cloak for rent that seemed to be made of feathers which had loops for his wrists so that when he spread his arms it looked as though he was spreading his wings. The rest of the costume was fairly simple, a black suit that he already owned and that Tony enjoyed peeling him out of and a black mask with feathers and a slight beak. In his hair he had braided black feathers and silver beads which caught the light.  
As the two stood in front of the mirror they couldn’t help but admit that they made a striking pair. Suddenly Loki glanced between them and began to laugh. “What is so funny?”

“I can’t believe it took me this long to realize this!”

“Realize what?”

Loki gestured to the two of them. “We’ve both been so caught up about going to this dance together that we didn’t realize that we have a couple’s costume!”

Tony frowned and wondered if some of Loki’s braids were too tight. “What are you talking about?”

“We’re both Poe characters. The Red Death and the Raven!”

For a beat Tony paused then joined in on the laughter. “You’re right. You’d think we were a couple of sappy English majors.”

Loki smoothed down Tony’s coat and straightened his mask. “Well, shall we?”

Taking a deep breath to steady himself Tony nodded. “Let’s go.”

~*~

The dance was in full swing when they arrived and even though they were holding hands no one really gave them much of a second glance. This year instead of relying on students to capture pictures of the costumes there was a photographer on site to take pictures as soon as people arrived. The pictures were then uploaded and the students could vote via an app on their phones. It helped make sure that no one was voting multiple times for the same person and saved some poor faculty member from attempting to decipher the nearly illegible handwritten votes.

Loki looked dark and menacing with his arms crossed in the first picture and a few onlookers actually gasped when he spread his arms and showed off his shimmering wings in the second photo. Tony was nearly unrecognizable in his pictures and a wicked grin made him look like death himself. To Loki’s surprise Tony dragged him into one of the pictures and the attempted to stare each other down, the tension so thick between them that it was nearly palpable. After the flash of the camera the moment passed and the two disappeared into the crowd.

Loki could tell that Tony was nervous and did his best to keep his attention on him. First he tried dancing but Tony’s heart wasn’t in it and he kept glancing around to see who was watching them. Finally he began to run a commentary on their fellow party-goers with a thorough breakdown of costumes and the thought process behind them. The humor and familiar snark eased his nerves and it wasn’t long before he was laughing and adding his own comments. He leaned back against Loki’s chest and smiled when he felt a strong arm wrap around his waist.

“Tony?”

The sudden exclamation made him start and unintentionally dislodge Loki. He turned and couldn’t help but smile when he saw Rhodey weaving through the crowd towards him. “Mr. T? Really?”

The young man laughed as he looked down at his costume. “The rest of the A-Team is around here somewhere, you should meet them. They’re great guys.”

“Maybe some other time.” He took a slow breath then turned to Loki who had moved back a few paces. “Rhodey, I don’t think you two ever properly met. This is Loki.”

Rhodey’s eyes widened but he shook the outstretched hand. “We’ve only met in passing. Good to see you.”

“Likewise.”

“Do you mind if I steal Tony for a little while?”

“Be my guest.” To Loki’s surprise Tony pecked his cheek before disappearing into the crowd with Rhodey.

The dark-skinned young man led them through the crowded ballroom and out a side door. There was no use trying to talk with the music drowning out their words. “So, you and Loki?”

Tony did his best not to fidget. “Yeah.”

“How long has that been going on?”

“Unofficially? Since the new year. Officially? In the spring when I got hurt.”

“Is that where you were all summer?”

“Yeah, we were at the lake house.”

“All summer? You must have it bad for him to spend all of that time with him.”

Despite his best efforts Tony couldn’t keep the discomfort from his voice and posture. “Well…it’s not really my story to tell but he got really sick and the beginning of the summer and I took him to the lake house to get away from everything and give him time to get better.”

Rhodey knew that there was more to the story but he had also known Tony long enough not to push him. “I’m glad he’s better. You two look good together.”

“Really?”

“That’s the reason why I asked how long you had been together. You two seem so comfortable and at ease with each other it’s like you’ve been together for ages.”

Tony couldn’t help but smile. “Sometimes it seems that way. We’ve been through a lot over the past year and he makes me better. That’s…um…hence the water tonight.”

Rhodey physically rocked back at the admission. “You stopped drinking?”

“23 days sober.”

To Tony’s surprise he was pulled into a hug. “I’m so proud of you! That’s fantastic, Tony!”

“Well I’m keeping it on the lowdown but thank you. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but Loki being there helps.”

“Don’t forget that you have me as well. If you ever need anything I’m just a call away, alright?”

“Thanks.”

“Now let’s get back in there before someone tries to steal your boyfriend.”

Tony laughed and felt the tension from his body ease. He had been so worried about the reaction he was going to receive but to see Rhodey take everything in stride bolstered his confidence. He knew that at some point they would have to sit down and have a more in depth conversation but for now he still had his best friend in his corner and that’s more than he could have hoped for.

~*~

After talking with Rhodey Tony was much more at ease and laughed and danced with Loki for hours. At one point Tony was introduced to Rhodey’s friends aka the rest of the A-Team. Steve and Bucky, who made the most unlikely couple Tony had ever seen, were dressed as Face and Murdock while a dark-skinned young man named Sam was dressed as the role of Hannibal. They all were more than happy to meet both Tony and Loki and simply shrugged when both refused the spiked punch. All three were military brats and used to people from all walks of life so it didn’t seem as though much would phase them.

As the night wore on both Tony and Loki danced with a few others but they kept gravitating back to each other. Loki was fulfilling his promise of driving Tony mad with teasing touches and suggestive comments whispered in his ear and it took all of Tony’s self control not to drag Loki into a dark corner.

At one point they stood to the side of the room, Loki’s arms wrapped around Tony’s waist and the fall of his cloak hiding the thin fingers that danced across Tony’s body. Tony held his hat at his side while his other arm covered Loki’s where it was crossing his body. “Thank you.”

Loki, who had been people watching, leaned down to press a kiss against Tony’s temple. “What?”

“Thank you for convincing me to come to the dance.”

“You’re welcome, my love.”

Tony twisted to catch Loki’s lips and they shared a kiss until the music began to fade. They turned towards the stage where the dean, who was dressed as a 70’s style pimp which was both amusing and terrifying, began to address the crowd.

“Welcome to the witching hour! Every year I love seeing your creativity and you all certainly did not disappoint!” He went on to talk about the fundraisers and other topics that the students pretended to listen to. “Now for the moment you all have been waiting for!” He waited for the cheers and applause to die down before producing an envelope. “This year there were so many creative costumes that we weren’t sure how we were going to choose just one and apparently neither could you. This year we have a tie for first place! Please help me congratulate the Raven and the Red Death!”

Tony turned to Loki with a laugh before grabbing the taller student’s hand and dragging him through the crowd. The sound was nearly deafening as the posed for a picture with the dean then collected the envelope that held their prize. Moving to the side Tony took Loki’s hand as the countdown began. Loki searched Tony’s eyes and he could tell that the inventor was nervous but it was outmatched by the excitement.

“Let’s hear it, everyone! 10…9…8…”

Tony placed his hat to the side the gripped Loki’s hands tightly.

“7…6…5…”

“Ready?” Loki’s voice was barely audible over the crowd but Tony knew what he was asking and nodded.

“4…3…2…1!!!”

Loki reached forward and untied the ribbon holding Tony’s mask on while Tony did the same, careful not to displace any of the feathers in Loki’s hair. For a beat they stood staring at each other before coming together to share a kiss. It might have been their imagination but the roar of the crowd seemed to swell and when they pulled apart they were grinning. Hand in hand they descended the stage to rejoin the party.

~*~

Tony and Loki stayed for another hour or so, dancing and accepting congratulations from their classmates. More than once they were stopped to ask about their costumes and both were relieved when no one said anything about their kiss in front of the majority of the student body. Finally they were able to make their escape and headed towards the dorms.

They didn’t make it very far before Tony was turned and his back was slammed against the wall of an empty building. Before he could get his bearing Loki’s mouth was covering his and he eagerly returned the gesture. With the wall at his back Loki was able to hike him up high enough until his legs could wrap around the trim waist. It was slightly awkward and his legs tangled in Loki’s cape but neither one seemed to mind.

Tony’s fingers dug into Loki’s shoulders and he broke the kiss to moan as Loki began to roll his hips against him. He could feel the thick ridge of Loki’s cock against his ass and he shuddered at the friction gained by grinding against Loki’s abs. They moved together for several long minutes until they were both uncomfortably hard. “Home…let’s go home…” The words were breathed against his neck and Tony nodded. 

“Come on.”

The two rushed across campus hand In hand, stopping now and then to steal kisses in the shadows, but both were determined to get back to the dorms as soon as possible. Loki’s room was the closest and the moment that the door closed it was Loki’s turn to be pressed against it as Tony worked a mark onto his neck. He whined when Tony nipped at the soft spot under his ear and that sound seemed to break something within the engineer.

Within a heartbeat Tony was pulling Loki away from the door and shoving him towards the bed. The two scrambled to remove his cape and it fell to the floor in a pool of feathers. Loki landed on the bed with a bounce but before he could gather his bearings Tony was flipping him onto his stomach. As he scrambled to his knees Tony was delving into the side drawer.

Loki had managed to get his pants unfastened and Tony dragged them down until his ass was exposed. He squeezed the firm globes and relished in Loki’s hiss when he dug his fingers in. “Tony, please…”

“Hush.” A loud smack echoed through the room and Tony watched as the pale skin reddened. “You teased me all night, it’s only fair that I get a turn.” He was painfully hard and straining against the leather of his pants but he couldn’t resist the sight in front of him. Loki, clad completely in black with only his ass exposed, his shoulders trembling in an effort to hold himself still…it was a picture that burned itself into Tony’s memory.

Without warning Tony swooped in and spread Loki’s cheeks before tracing his tongue around the tight pucker. “Oh!” Loki’s arms refused to hold him up during the onslaught and he sank to his elbows. Tony worked his tongue against Loki’s rim until the tight muscles began to soften. Working his tongue into a point he delved between pale cheeks and drank in the increasingly desperate cries that were falling from Loki’s lips.

With one hand he fumbled between his own legs and groaned in relief when his cock was freed. His groan was echoed by Loki and he could tell that his boyfriend was nearing the edge of his control. Blindly he groped around for the lube and soon he was sliding a finger into Loki’s body. Due to his previous ministrations it didn’t take long before for he could ease in a second then a third. He worked his fingers against Loki’s prostate and adjusted his position so he could look down at Loki. To his surprise Loki didn’t have his face buried in the sheets, his head was turned and he seemed to be staring intently at something.  
Following his gaze Tony’s eyebrows rose in surprise. Loki had left his closet door open and was staring at the full-length mirror. They were angled just so that Tony couldn’t see his fingers but he could see the movement of his arm as he thrust into Loki’s body. “You’re just full of surprises tonight, aren’t you?” Loki whimpered as Tony curled his fingers just right. He had to admit that it was a tempting sight. They both looked so different in their costumes. Loki’s skin seemed to glow in contrast with the black clothing and his eyes gleamed like cut glass. Tony barely recognized himself with his lined eyes and unusual attire, it was almost as though a stranger was ravaging his boyfriend and the thought set his blood on fire.

Tony knew he was tempting fate and didn’t want to get Loki off on just his fingers. Loki’s cries were rising in pitch and Tony knew he could get off on this alone. Quickly he slicked his cock and met Loki’s eyes in the mirror. Normally he would draw things out and go slow but they had been teasing each other for hours and his patience was up. He fucked in with one hard thrust and watched as Loki struggled to keep his eyes open. Pale fingers dug into the sheets and a choked cry fell from the graceful throat.

Even though his body was screaming at him Tony started with an easy pace in order to give Loki a chance to catch his breath but the moment that he sensed that Loki had relaxed against the sharp intrusion he grinned and began to thrust hard into the the tight body below him. Loki cried out and braced himself against the onslaught. Not wanting things to end too soon Tony buried himself deep and began to roll his hips in slow circles, the curve of his cock steadily grinding against Loki’s prostate.

“Fuck, Tony…I …please…” Loki wasn’t sure what he was begging for but he knew he needed more of it.

Without warning Tony picked up his brutal pace once more, watching in the mirror as Loki’s face twisted with pleasure. He carried on like that, changing his pace on a whim and switching from slow and shallow to deep and slow to fast and deep to fast and hard, making notes of Loki’s reactions to his movements.

Loki’s face was flushed were it was pressed against the blankets and his eyes were glazed as he watched through the mirror. Random words and phrases fell from his lips as Tony worked his body into a frenzy. He rocked his hips back, desperate for more, and his back arched under the pleasurable treatment.

Tony pried one of his hands off of Loki’s hip and reached beneath him to find his cock dripping and straining. He slowed his thrusts as he worked the thick length in his hand. “Are you close, love?”

“Yes…please don’t stop…”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” Tony began to thrust harder and faster, angling his hips in order to hit Loki’s prostate as often as possible. “Look me me, Loki. Keep your eyes on me.”

Tony worked Loki’s cock in counterpoint to his thrusts and adjusted his stance when Loki suddenly pushed up onto his arms. Loki brushed his hair out of his face and bit his bottom lip so hard that it nearly bled. He began to work his hips back against Tony’s before thrusting into the slick channel his hand formed and nearly saw stars.

They both wanted it to last but the buildup all night had been too much for them. With a curse Tony trust forward, his cock flexing hard as he came. The sensation of being filled along with the sight of Tony’s face was too much for Loki and with a groan he let go, his cock jerking in Tony’s grip.

Loki suddenly realized that his arms would no longer support him and he sank onto the bed, uncaring of the mess cooling on his belly. After several moments Tony slipped free of Loki’s body and enjoyed the sight of his release streaking the fair skin, they had both taken blood tests and stopped using condoms weeks ago, before forcing himself to his feet and staggering into the bedroom.

It took them longer than expected to get cleaned up and out of their costumes but soon they were sliding beneath the sheets. Tony rolled to his side and smiled lazy when Loki’s arm wrapped around his waist. A kiss was pressed to the top of his head and he pressed back into the embrace. “Love you.” For a moment he thought Loki might already be asleep but soon he received a murmured response. With a smile Tony allowed himself to fall asleep in the arms of his love.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget that comments are life. It just takes a second and I promise that I don't bite...hard. ;-)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Halloween Masquerade](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11729517) by [onyxfyrefly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onyxfyrefly/pseuds/onyxfyrefly)
  * [No More Interruptions](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15581238) by [onyxfyrefly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onyxfyrefly/pseuds/onyxfyrefly)




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